My marriage maybe over?

[Intricatelysimple]

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

Thanks mysinkingheart and I intricately - I do feel anxious all the time that he's around me. I feel like I should always be busy and i'm always mindful of his moods. I'm fighting my head and heart over staying until DS is older so he won't be scared if he is away from me (he's just turned two and still BF) but also thinking that he'd be happier having a more relaxed happy mum if we were separated. I quite often get teary if someone is kind to me, one day, after an awful morning of being put down and shouted at by DH, I made a fool of myself at playgroup as a lady who runs it squeezed me on the shoulder and asked how I was - I burst into tears and thanked her for being so kind 😳......she was a bit shocked but lovely, I haven't been back to that one since as they must think I'm demented! It was just the fact she touched ME and looked me in the eye, like she really cared! DH doesn't touch me apart from sex so think it caught me off guard.

DD dislikes DH, she stands up to him and tells me she hates the way he shouts and doesn't do anything to help us! Feel terrible that she's witnessed his behaviour (hope she doesn't end up thinking its normal!)
I will write a list so I'm not feeling so overwhelmed and try to work through each if my issues.
I'll get there, cross with myself for being so frozen. I've placed a no sex rule as told him I want to separate and here I am weeks later having made no progress. I've planned leaving him in my head for nice years 😂

Pudding - I can feel your excitement as scary as it is (and sad) you are free!!!!!!!

Right ladies who are waivering (me included).

Last night I hardly got any sleep, I laid there thinking what I want and will be able to do once I am alone.

1. Have friends over whenever they want.
2. Have family over to stay.
3. If I want to do pancakes on a Saturday AND a Sunday for the kids I will.
4. I want to be able to leave my things around without him whinging at me (I am by no means messy or untidy btw).
5. I want to eat when and what I want.
6. I want to watch what I want on TV and not feel guilty, or have him come in an turn the channel over.
7. I want a full nights sleep without listening to his snoring.
8. I want to be able to spend time with family and friends without feeling like Im neglecting him.
9. I want to leave the house with a smile on my face.

10. i want to feel comfortable and relaxed in my own home. 11. I want to not have comments on what I decide to wear. 12. I want to have male friends without having to feel like its sordid (very insecure). 13. I want to live. 14. I want to not feel guilty when I have to go away for work, or come back after 24 hours traveling with jet lag and have to do what he wants because he's been on his own with the kids and its oh so fucking hard. 15. Finally I want to be a better friend, daughter, sister, colleague, and most of all MOTHER. Because all those relationships have suffered by putting his needs first.

Go.....write a list :)

Oh an buy things and not have to hide them or pretend they were cheaper than they were!!

Sadly you have the same list as me

I'll add the following:

1. I won't have to see your sulkyface when you've decided i've done something you don't like
2. I won't have to feel my heckles get raised when I see your body language change for the same reason as point 1.
3. I won't have to feel embarrassed when we're with company and you get a mood on.
4. I can play whatever music I like whenever I like. I won't get a snarky look and "where did you hear that" comment.
5. I won't be made feel like i'm neglecting you just because I do something for myself.
6. I can get a haircut without 46 phone calls
7. I won't have to listen to huffing and sighing every fucking time you decide i'm out of order.
8. I can speak to men without being accused of giving them all the eye
9. I can arrange to go to trade shows without having to fucking ok it with you and arrange for you to come EVEN THOUGH IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!!

10. The kids can spend more time with me chatting about any random crap they want to (e.g. how we'd survive a zombie apocalypse!) without you tutting and sighing and telling us we're distracting you from your tv show. 11. I can use big words as you call them. I'm fucking sick of dumbing down the conversation so you won't "feel stupid" 12. Maybe in the future i'll meet someone who makes me feel amazing and they might even do little things for me just to make me happy. 13. I won't have to arrange all the shitty admin in your life without any appreciation.

I'll add more don't worry!

Don't waver Pudding. You know life will only get better after you break through. Imagine if someone made you feel !

Oooh love a bit of Buble ;)

To be honest its the last thing on my mind, i don't think I ever want a relationship again. Too goddamn painful!

I know. But you're still so young. Who knows how you'd feel in say 5 or 10 years time. You'd still be young enough to enjoy life. And also you'd have the added bonus of spotting arseholes from a mile away

Amen to that pudding and you have every right to all those things, hardly a list of luxury goods is it.
All of it is yours for the taking

beachbaby sweetheart, don't be so hard on yourself. Your post made me so angry with him on your behalf. And I remember crying at a stranger's kindness too, a sure sign of his emotional abuse.
Please, please don't feel upset with yourself about how long it takes. We all take ages because the bond to someone like that is so tight due to the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) it's very toxic...the first step is to stop. Stop trying to work him out, telling yourself you're at fault, fearing his reponse. Turn your back on him emotionally, it'll save energy that you need to walk away. I wish I could find the right words. Focus on concrete things and try to switch off emotionally for a while.
The way I see it, if he's been abusing you emotionally for so long then you need to keep those emotions safe, where they can recover. That means not analysing anymore, not giving him any more headspace. Shift that frozen feeling on to how you react to him, i.e. not at all. And push on with breaking free, baby steps, it's ok to take the time you need.

intricately I think you demonstrate perfectly that there's a right time for everyone. You did what was best at the time and that's all anyone of us can do. I sometimes wish I'd not ever met my XH but then I wouldn't have had DS, unthinkable as I love him so much. Whatever, the important thing is to get out when you can and really find a way to stop the guilt. What a useless feeling in these situations, don't you all think? All it does is darken things and stop you from escaping, like a mental prison.
One great lesson from MN is to use anger to move on. Well, as soon as I feel the old guilt (manufactured by XH's attempts at manipulation) I make sure the feeling turns into cold anger so I can gracefully refuse to engage without telling him why or letting him know it affects me. Not always easy when you feel something is unfair but staying disengaged is so much better in the long run.

X post intricately your list made my blood boil. Fuck that So happy for you that you're leaving..

Great lists! I hope I don't come across as smug but having come out the other side of an abusive marriage to a man who, with hindsight, was a almost a carbon copy of my abusive father, I am so pleased for you all that you are taking steps to have the life you and your DC deserve.

On the one hand I knew logically that I was unhappy and my exH was unreasonable and controlling, but on the other hand because I'd grown up with it as my "normal" I internalised the issues to be my fault for not trying hard enough (I was) or being difficult to live with (I wasn't), he only wanted what was best for us (on his terms primarily with him in mind).

Living life without walking on eggshells to appease someone else's ego is amazing.

Snap @Tempus: I love my dad cos he's my dad, but he is abusive to my mother (different circumstances, not excusable). I grew up learning from my mum that she sucked it up to not upset the apple cart. And Ive done the same. So sad. She is still with him, trying to leave but she is now 67 and starting to see her physical being slow down.

My Dad is a good father to me having said that.......although he might not have been when he was younger I know he loves us unconditionally and without his help I woulnd't have been able to do what I have so far.

Nope Tempus. You're not in the least bit smug. You are just in a place I hope to be very soon and your posts give me hope that I can get there

mysinkingheart I know what you mean when you say you wish you had never met. I remember vividly breaking up with my husband when he was still just my boyfriend. It was before we even lived together and had any children. I remember clearly telling him it was over and walking away from him and can still remember how free I felt. I got about 10 minutes away before he caught up with me and the rest as they say is history. I wouldn't be without my children now of course but I can almost taste how that freedom felt and I can't wait to feel it again. I've replayed that memory over and over in my head a million times and i'm so cross with myself for getting back with him. It's a bit like i'm witnessing a car crash but, hey ho, we are where we are. It felt a bit like my sliding doors moment - if you ever saw the movie?

Onwards ladies! No more looking back or berating. Here's to the future

Sliding doors, love that film :)

I was the same Intracetlysimple, before we had kids but we did live together. I caught him drunk and snogging our friends wife. Turned out it had happened a few times, and the husband knew and liked to watch. Disgusting. I left, I knew it wasn't right, but he dragged me back in. Cant quite believe I just admitted that.

I dont believe he ever did anything like that again, but who knows eh?

pudding

15. Finally I want to be a better friend, daughter, sister, colleague, and most of all MOTHER. Because all those relationships have suffered by putting his needs first.

This one was never on my list...it never occured to me that I could be a better mother. He always made me feel a bit shit as a mum and I thought that was just down to me. 2 years later and I feel like supermum . It's the one single thing that made me know I'd done the right thing by leaving him (although all the others on my actual list have happened as well). And, yes, all my relationships are a million times better now I have the freedom to enjoy them without fear of time restraints, interogations and general sulking in retaliation.

Never wobble or waiver

Pringlesandwine : thanks hun, I only admitted that to myself recently. Because I walk on eggshells, I tend to deal with the kids how I feel he WANTS me too. He doesn't like them making too much noise, so I keep them quiet so they don't annoy him. That is just one reason. He is also very much a disciplinarian and is overly strict in my opinion. I also don;t get too much time to spend with them alone, and he feels his needs trump theirs a lot of the time.

Sliding doors yep loved it
I often wonder why our instincts seem to be shouting at us but we just don't listen.
tempus snap too re the father thing. Mine isn't the same type as my XH but definitely played a role in conditioning me and DSis to be attracted to that kind of man. Guess that sets some kind of template when DM puts up with it "for the children" though I don't blame her for anything, Gid we all do what we can. But am still very glad I fought my way out, even though it nearly killed me emotionally. It's only been two years since the split so I do sometimes wobble but only out of regret for not doing it sooner, would never consider going back [shudders]
Good to hear a happy ending and you don't sound smug at all.

Thanks sinking. Unfortunately my mum didn't handle things very well and worked away a lot to avoid my dad, leaving me and my brother alone with him for much of our childhoods. Although I know she loves me I have very sporadic contact with her now (and only since dad passed on - I went no contact for 15yrs prior). I feel so strongly now that growing up in a separated family might have been difficult at the time but set me up to fail in my adult relationships. Finally in my 40s I am married to a lovely man...something I thought was impossible!

Sorry that should say separation would have been better and that growing up with my dad set me up to fail as an adult.

I am well over my divorce now but these stories are just like mine. You don't realise at the time how awful some of these spouses are because you're in the middle of it.

When I announced I was going to divorce him (hardest thing I ever did) I said my first condition was that I was not going to spend another awful Christmas with him (the divorce was not over by then) so he took the very youngest children away to his parents and it was utter bliss. Every night since he left I have locked my bed room door even now years on.

I don't wish we never met as we had 5 lovely children but no one except the older children can even imagine what he was like at home as he is popular and liked outside the house. I decided in the end it didn't matter at all what anyone thought - the older children (who asked me to divorce him, he was that bad) and I knew exactly what he was like and now we are free. I was in an unusual position as higher earner (we both worked hard full time but I earned more) so it cost me just about everything - £1m almost to pay him off and he pays nothing for the children etc etc so a very high price but you can't put a price on freedom (and I managed to keep our home with a massive mortgage).

We once took the children for a dyslexia etc IQ test and he took the children home after and I stayed to hear the psychologist's report who said how well we were doing with the children. It felt like the first time ever anyone had said I was a good mother and doing well for the children (my husband never said that - quite the opposite).

Yes separation definitely better. All three of us wish our DM had left, she's become so submissive it's painful at times. We all manage his moods to protect her
That helped me leave though, there's no way I'd put DS through that.

I'm happy for you that it's worked out so well My first relationship after xh was overly protective to the point of possessiveness, had a thread about it on here. Realised that it was just another form of control. MN is great for working things out. I'm actually quite happy just me and DS at home, just dating a nice guy that I don't live with and who accepts and respects me as things are. He doesn't play games or make me feel like his needs are the family priority, expect me to pay for everything while making me feel shit about it, use/break my stuff without asking, gaslight, tell half truths or forget/spoil my birthday...could turn into a long list!

Glad we can all help each other, this site is a godsend x

Xpost tiger I had to buy my freedom too. Still suffering the effects. It sucks but I'd do it again tomorrow, it's worth it you're right.

Thank you mysinkingheart x you are so right that I need to stop sharing my emotions and spending so bloody much of my time thinking about why it happens. I will have so much spare time when I do break away as he consumes all my thinking time, my head is full of him, his needs and making sure he is happy......hopefully I'll be able to spend that time on the children and myself! Thank you for taking the time to write what you did, it really helps that you 'get it' x

My dad is EA too, I also grew up in a similar environment to the one I sm in now. My brother and I have both suffered and both havibg counselling, we were taught from a young age not to upset dad and when he said jump we had to say 'how high?' My mum and him are still married, she has to do what he wants or he goes into a sulk afte shouting or storming off. It's sad to witness. She tells me I am weak for being with my DH and putting up with his behaviour (worse than my father) but she doesn't see that she is very similar. My father is kinder if you are ill and as long as he feels respected and appreciated he can be helpful unlike my DH.

Loving your lists ladies.
This post has been so supportive, what a shame we all got landed with these monsters!!!

Morning everyone.

So last night it all went horribly wrong. I am so sad and angry. He picked up the kids from school and was getting their dinner ready while I was in the office. I could hear that he was crying and the boys asked if he was ok. He said he was peeling onions. Then my eldest told him he didn't want the dinner he was preparing and wanted egg on toast. OH said "ok". Gave them what they wanted. usually we would say no, your dinner is what has been prepared.

Anyway he continued to cry, and my eldest asked me if he had upset him because he wanted egg on toast. I said of course not. He carried on sobbing loudly, so I asked him to go out the house and take a walk. He got angry and went downstairs. I went down to explain to him that the eldest was upset because he thought he upset him. He took it all the wrong way and started yelling at me.

When he came upstairs he said "Boys, Mummy has something to tell you". The elodest started shouting and crying hysterically, the youngest walked out the room. I had no choice but to tell them, but at the same time he was saying "don't do this, don't do this".

It took me about 1 hour to calm the eldest down and try and explain to him and tell him it wasn't his fault. I had to lay with him until he went to sleep. The youngest took it on the chin and we had a brief chat (he is only 5) then he started talking about something else. It wasn't how I planned it. I planned that I would ask OH how he wanted to tell the kids, and if he wanted to be involved but it all went to shit.

I am so angry with him. But he just doesn't see it. At about 1am, I could hear him crying again and he came into my bedroom beggin me. I didn't want the kids to wake up so I told him to get in bed and held his hand but said I didn't want to talk about it with the kids in the house. He went back to bed, and this morning was also tough.

I told him this morning I was going to have a word with the teachers. He got pissed wiht me saying that FFS he has only just found out, and I said to him "I am not telling the teachers because I want to, I am telling him because they look after the boys, and perhaps they might be sad and their behaviour might change". It was like a lightbulb moment and for a glimpse I thought he might actually understand where I am coming from.

It just shows how incompetent he is as a decent human being. I told both the teachers, the eldests offered if he needs it to speak with the school psychologist.

I had a complete panic attack in the car, then came back and we just talked for about half an hour. I asked him if he could keep himself together before Saturday and he has agreed to. If he doesn't I will go before. Do you think this is right? I told the kids that we wouldn't leave until Saturday, so they have that in their mind. The eldest asked if we could go for dinner on Friday.

What a goddamn mess. I know I shouldn't beat myself up but I feel like a complete failure, I want to protect them from this, but I feel like last night will screw them up for a lifetime.

What a fucking arsehole! So he thought he was going to back you into a corner and that he'd regain control of the situation like he always has. Well that backfired spectacularly. I'm so sorry for what he put your little boys through. However the only positive from this is that now you've gone public and have informed the children and the school then hopefully that will steel you to move forward and leave just as you've planned. It's horrible I know. In an ideal world the adults would act like adults and put the childrens needs first but unfortunately your husband is more immature than any child.

Take care of yourself. You're almost there

Pudding pm sent x

Oh pudding I'm so sorry. It must have been horrendous having to deal with all that on top of having your own emotions to deal with too! Your DH probably thought that by playing the victim you would back down but instead it's had the opposite effect.
You should be so proud of yourself for how you handled the situation, you have been so brave and although it has been an awful upset for your children they will be okay. They have a great mum x
Thinking of you x