My marriage maybe over?

[Intricatelysimple]

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

Beachbaby; you are right, its all part of it. The guilt, the fear, the obligation. I keep trying to remind myself of how I feel when he starts being mean. And focusing on that.

That feeling you get in your chest, when you want to cry and scream., That feeling, hold it there. There is a reason we are leaving. I also want to feel comfortable in MY own home. Where I can be MYSELF without fear of having to adapt or change to fit into his moods. THAT and only that is driving me forward. It also shows that indeed they can be NICE, so why do they chose to be so horrid and mean.

I think OH is completely preplexed by my actions, he thinks I have someone else. I don't. The way I feel at the moment I don't want to ever have another relationship.

I am sad that I thought we would grow old together and remain a family and HE has destroyed that not me. Stay strong

Intricatelysimple: I missed your precious post. They are almost textbook. He hates his family. In turn he resents mine because we are close. Its so fucked up you couldn't make it up. Someone said to me the other day.......youre OH doesn't really like anyone though do they. And they are right.
:(

But it isn't our responsibility, if they chose not to forge friendships or relationships outside ours, its not down to us. I would love him to have a big circle of friends. I see posts on here about wives complaining about their OH's having too much of a social life or hobbies. I would LOVE that!

I just tried to talk to him, he says he is dumfounded........FFS. I prefer angry OH at the moment. That makes it easier.

Just leaving this here: www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/

Thanks pudding for the link, it's so accurate and just what I needed to read x

Reading both your posts, pudding and intricately, it's strange as my DH has no friends either. One 'friend' who he talks to occasionally about sport but he would never divulge anything personal to him or anyone else. He has none that he could talk to about his feelings or his life. He doesn't even talk to his narcissistic mother unless it's them shouting at each other over him letting her down by not giving her enough attention! It's so sad! I suggested he move out and go to his mums, he shouted at me telling me she was the last person he wants to involve in my mental game playing!?!

He kissed me goodbye on the cheek this morning and got up with eldest DC in the night (normally it's me or if he does have to get up with the eldest because I'm with the youngest he'll start shouting about how he's got to work and no one respects this!) Last night he got up to DC quietly and acted like a normal caring human being!!!! If they know what the right behaviour is, why can't they keep it up? It would make family life normal! X

Beachbaby: OH also has a Narc mother. His father was great although a recovered alcoholic and died in November 2015. I have taken all that into account and excused his behaviour for so long. I don't think OH is a Narc, I just don't think he realises what he is doing and will only realise when I am gone.

So bit of drama at the bank because they opened an account and I asked them if it would show up on our internet banking.......cue a little bit of panic. Yes he could if he uses my log in (which he does sometimes), so she cancelled my old log in and got me a new one. Anyway, first job ticked.

I also just went to see a house. I am very lucky a friend I have here is a property manager and she has a clients house to rent. Its a bit more money than I want but I could move in tomorrow and its furnished. I am hopefully getting the keys tomorrow and start making it look a bit more homely (its a holiday rental usually), and start taking some stuff over and maybe a trip to Ikea with the plan to move in at the weekend. I had a few tears while looking at it, my friend gave me a big cuddle and reassured me its the right thing to do.

Just need to tell OH now...............wish me luck.

Honestly, all of you, if I can do it. You can. Lets make 2017 about us, and Intricatelysimple a starring role in your movie :)

That thread was so very true.

I just shared this on another thread. My friend sent me this about a year ago. It is so true.

www.huffingtonpost.com/alison-patton/why-we-have-to-jump-and-e_b_1168596.html

Just had a talk with DH he asked me to stop this business and this situation and to be nice again so we can be a family. He blamed me for tearing the family apart and said that my behaviour is destroying our lovely family.

I told him that I couldn't live the rest of my life with this anxious feeling inside and he said 'what have I fone this week to make you feel like that' - nothing because he's being Mr nice guy. When I talk with him I feel like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
I did manage to say that I was tired of his stress he puts on our family in order to be perfect - the house has to be spotless, he spent an hour scrubbing the kitchen and dining room ,(as obviously I don't keep it clean enough which he is very vocal about normally) for the plasterer coming on Sat morning! He can never ever be late for anything ( or is if we're with him), his clothes are pristine, his hair done weekly, works out regularly - all to keep up his image. He can't take critism of any kind and is bloody hard work yet I am feeling wobbly over my decision yet the thought of going back and being intimate with him makes me feel ill.

It's over, I know it's over but I'm struggling with it all 😔

Pudding congratulations in your monumental move towards your new life and new home! Well done you brave lady! X

Pudding I'm very excited for you. Gosh things are moving fast for you so you really must feel like you can really do this. Good luck with it all and have a little toast to us all on your first night in your new home

I won't see my solicitor until Friday but at least I've made a start. Looking forward to progress!

Beachbaby I'm sorry he's managed to bamboozle you. Believe me when I say I know how that feels. It doesn't mean that your feelings aren't real though. Please remember that and you don't need to prove anything to anyone because your feelings are completely real.

Chat to you all tomorrow. I'm so glad to have all the support of everyone on here.

Morning!

DH. Stormed out last night slamming the door behind him and hasn't spoken to me since.
I feel like I'm in a dream and just being carried along by this all, does that make sense? I feel like although i'm doubting myself There's something making myself continue with it but it doesn't feel real.

I'm so confused! Whilst talking/arguing last night I brought up an incident which was really bad and where he said and did hurtful things and the only thing he said was 'why do I have to keep bringing up stuff that has happened in the past' He never admired any remorse or said he was sorry about the way it made me feel.
He did say ' I have faults but we both know what they are so no point in going over them'.
Feeling so bad about breaking up our family and wondering if it is as bad as I've made it out to be or have I just been so focused on his bad stuff that I'm makibg a mountain out of a molehill? But then why would I be in counselling with WA?
God this is so messed up 😢 x
Pudding hope your house mice goes well, keep us updated x
Intricately thanks for your words of understanding and thank you both for your support x
Keep talking to my mum but she's heard it constantly for years and feel like she's a bit fed up of hearing about it. She started talking about her neighbours cat yesterday when I was telling her my worries and I felt like 'hello, in here feeling like my life is falling apart and your telling me about your neighbours cat popping in your garden 😩

Pudding hope your house MOVE goes well not that you are sharing your new home with mice x

Morning ladies.

Intricatelysimple: I know what you mean about moving fast, but from when I last tried to leave I know he dragged me back into feeling it could work, so the quicker the better.

Beachbaby: he is playing with you, trying to minimise his behaviour. I get that all the time. In fact I got it last night and this morning.

So update: last night I was feeling guilty so I went to him before I went to bed and told him that I wasn't doing this to hurt him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, and that I did love him but I needed to do this for ME. That my mental health is suffering, that I could see nothing was going to change. He didn't say much, looked genuinely upset and sad but told me he didnt really want to talk about it.

This morning he came into my room and said, " do anything but please don't leave, its always been me and you, just don't go". Mind fuck. So I had another panic attack, I feel like all the air is being squeezed out of me. He was nice, then when the kids were upstairs getting ready he minimised everything again and its pretty much all about him. He doesn't see what has happened despite numerous times me telling him. Despite every time he gets angry with me i ask him to be kind and talk nicely and not shout. They only hear what they want to hear.

Planning to move on Saturday still. But still haven't told him I got a house sorted.

Beachbaby: I know what you mean about your mum, my friend is getting that way. She has heard so much of it.

Stay strong ladies!

Just wanted to say I was in your shoes two years ago and that it is worth it, however hard at times.

Not gone completely no contact as have shared custody but I would if I could and have reduced conversations to information-only, emotion-free exchanges about logistics. The main thing is I don't doubt my decision to go one instant despite being so torn at the time from him guilt-tripping me.

My main advice when you're at the leaving stage is to avoid getting into conversations with them. You know you've felt too unhappy, anxious, on egg shells, worried about your DC for too long. You don't have to justify or explain it.

So however charming they may become when they feel their control over you slipping you have to see that as crocodile tears. Trust yourself.

A great website that helped was outofthefog, maybe you've already heard of it. Their rule is no JADE (no justifying, arguing, defending or explaining yourself).

And if you feel they're playing with your emotions, keep it to yourself and go "grey rock" on them. They call it medium chill on the website. That was amazingly helpful as like any normal person you want to share your feelings with your partner except with these men it's just giving them more amunition. So medium chill is becoming emotionally boring: he tries to make you feel guilty about what your "doing to the family" (pure projection as he's the one at fault but he can't take responsibility and never will) don't reply...but don't show anger either. Just say something dull like "oh I think we'll be alright...we can talk about the children another time". If he pushes for you to talk about things say from now on you prefer not to talk about it as your decision is made and that you'll tell him when you're ready to discuss logistics once you've moved out. All in a calm boring voice. And of course you won't talk in future that's just a way of deferring the issue without getting into a fight. Avoid arguing, it truly isn't worth it and ends up back at square one as they never change. It is very unfair that they appear to get away with it but in a way they don't, as none of their relationships are fulfilling or mature, they make it so. But you can go and make a genuinely happy life for yourself..that's the only true "revenge".

Oh and don't go to couples counselling, they use it to punish and isolate you further. Tell only people who get it and try and stay in touch with your inner warrior, do it for you DC if you have a weak day but keep leaving one step at a time.
This site is great for support so better to come here if you doubt yourself than to cave in and waste any more time as I came to learn.

@mysinkingheart: thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I am sure all of us will find what you said helpful.

I will take a read, I am such a touchy feeley person, I feel peoples feelings from a mile off, its very hard for me to do this. Very hard. I feel like I am being a bitch, and he knows and I know I am not that at all.

Thanks again, makes so much sense :)

Hi All,

mysinkingheart, thanks so much for that. It's just what I needed to hear. I'll take a look at that website you suggested. I think it'll help immensely to get coping strategies for the times when they know how to push our buttons and try to suck us back in. I absolutely love your phrase "inner warrior". That's a bit how I feel today. I feel strong and like now I have really made up my mind and set some wheels in motion that i'm able to dig deep and find the strength inside myself to see this through. You're absolutely right the best revenge is to live a good life. Someone reminded me of Michelle Obama's great quote the other day and although we weren't discussing me or my problems it really resonated. She said "When they go low, we go higher". That kind of sums up how i'm feeling now. He can stay low in his sulky, horrible phase but i'm just going to float up above him, not engage and move the hell on!

Beachbaby you know he's just being a dick, right? And that's the kindest word I could summon up for him. So he doesn't merit it worth talking about then you shouldn't? Fuck that. I suggest getting back in touch with WA and try to pick apart your feelings. Release yourself from needing his permission or absolution. He doesn't get the right to tell you how to feel. No-one does.

Pudding - use those lovely caring traits you have to make you and your lovely boys a better life. Don't waste the emotion on him. He's just a black hole of nothing empathywise and you know he'll never see that he's to blame in this. I think you've spent enough years trying to convince him. Don't waste any more.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

If you can put you tube on, take a listen to this ( I like the words :) :

I like this!

But i'm feeling a bit like a bitch today

or this

Queen B- spot on ;)

Thankyou mysinkingheart just looked at the website outofthefog and it's really helpful.

I go from being resolute knowing that I can't be wrong in how I felt/feel for last ten years to being worried sick about how separatibg is going to effect DS who's only two!
It's nice to know you did it and came out the other side and are fine x
Can I ask why you have shared custody and not sole custody? I am praying I get to have the DC and DH just sees them at weekends but am probably being totally unrealistic and unreasonable. He hardly sees them now and we are living under the same roof. He doesn't do any of the daily stuff that they need he just plays hero dad when his family are around or if it suits him he'll take them out for breakfast/lunch.

I will keep reading and preparing myself as much as possible! Did you get to remain in family home mysinkingheart?

Hi all.

This is what a friend sent me when I was struggling

m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZA3n-KUe3j0

Intricatelysimple thanks x you are right, I don't need him to tell me how to feel! I've lost ME, I used to be really fun loving and happy. I just feel empty and sad now........it's like he has crushed me x
I rarely laugh and even when I'm with the children having fun I still have anxiety in my tummy.........hope I rediscover the old me.
I have no hobbies now (DH always prioritised his hobbies and/or made it impossible for me to continue at anything, I'd do one or two classes and then suddenly he'd make looking after the DC impossible because of his work and would be calling me numerous times at the end of class telling me I had to get back immediately as he cant hang around any longer, there would be shouting and bad feeling so I figured it was easier not to do anything!) he still says it's my fault though and accuses me of not sticking at anything 😒
I fo have RL friends but see them rarely as feel uncomfortable inviting them to our house in case DH shows up, he's either be mr.charmer or Mr.angry (giving me when are they going to leave glares!)
I see my parents when he's not around as he hates them, but they are good enough to look after DS two mornings a week so I can work for him and they've also give us lots of money to help renovate our house (which DH never mentions and its like it never happened!)
There has got to be a better life out there, my DC are my entire life and it'd be nice to show them a happy home x

Beachbaby: I'm struggling hourly, so I know how you feel. I read somewhere its like taking off a plaster, do it slowly and it prolongs the agony, rip it off, it hurts like hell then it goes away. I have confirmed to my friend I will have the house. I just need to tell him (hopefully tonight that I made my decision and not to try and change my mind).

Teabay: NICE ;)

Pudfing21 good luck tonight telling him x wishing you all the strength in the world, dig deep x rip that plaster off! X

Hi all,

I posted a few pages back.

Pudding you seem to be doing really well and have you head together!

To everyone who is struggling I am there with you. I know deep down I want this relationship to be over and that I don't love him anymore and probably resent him a lot. He is however still being amazingly helpful and thoughtful and not ringing me 20 times a day having a go at me about things. As beachbaby he has got up in the night a few times with the two youngest which is something he wouldn't have done normally.

Its so fucking hard as I now question everything and I completely understand it is the cycle. I'm just tired and feel really numb right now. Sorry if I make no sense just one of them days! He also said last week that he would work away for a few weeks and give me some space but as of yet he's been home early the past few days so he's obviously planning on giving me no space is he?

dm86: the questioning everything is because you care and you want to make sure you have made the right decision. For me its taken a long time to get where I am. And I am still questioning and probably will for a long time.

I know I need space to get my head clear and to find myself again. For that reason alone I need to push on.

Keep posting, we are all in a similar boat.