My marriage maybe over?

[Intricatelysimple]

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

Hello everyone,
I have just rtwt and would just like to say me too! At the moment mine is Disney Dadding to the max as I caught him messaging a woman. This is a new development in his behaviour which has deeply hurt. I have been very clear that another episode will cause me to leave.
What I wanted to ask is, has your job been affected? I have lost all Confidence and desperately need to work. I get a job, and just can't go. Has he done this to me? He is classically emotionally abusive . Xxx

Beelzebop: I would tell you a 100% now, if my OH was messaging another woman, i would leave. Pack and go. I almost wish that upon us (I am sure I would be equally devastated as you are, but he would know then clearly he crossed the line). He doesn't believe he is emotionally abusive so couldn't understand I would leave for that reason. Messaging another woman would give me the guts to say f**k you.

About work, yes I have lost confidence but work is a saviour. I question everything I do which leads to anxiety, no-one sees it as like you and others on the this thread, you must be incredibly strong. I have a good job and its a good distraction. You need to put yourself out there, not only will it give you more confidence it gives you independence for when you do decide to leave.

Look after yourself, start reading about emotional abuse, keep posting on mumsnet and confide in someone in real life. I still have trouble with the whole, "have I caused this stuff?", but am working through it. I have come a long long way in 2 years. Before I would cry for the fact we would split the family up, I would cry for him, i would cry for feeling like a failure. Now I feel some attachment still, but I have made it clear in my head I don't deserve this and I know I will leave.

Hi all.
Sorry you're having to deal with this Beezebop. Has he made any attempt to apologise or explain his behaviour or like my husband does he think that if he's "good" for a while then you'll just stop going on about it? I think it's just another way to undermine your feelings to be honest. Instead of having a truthful heartfelt conversation about the problems in the marriage they want to whitewash over everything and appear "perfect" again. As this somehow absolves them from their hideous behaviour. You have my sympathies

I also echo what pudding says and would advise you to get back out there and work if it's feasible. I promise you that you are more capable than you believe. He's knocked your confidence that you no longer believe in your own abilities but just getting out there will prove to yourself that you are well able to do this. You know, he has a lot to lose by you becoming self sufficient so he's probably planted the seeds of doubt in your head. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Well I confronted my husband last night before I let work as he came here before going home. I wanted to know what the change in behavour was for and how long he planned to keep it up and was he going to continue to ignore the elephant in the room. I got the usual scrunched up confused face (huh?) like he didn't know what I was wittering on about. Apparently he's decided that he needs to pull his weight a bit more and he's doing that (confused face again?). When I mentioned the gym argument last week he told me I was twisting things and he didn't know what I was going on about. So there you go. I'm the wrong one again and there's poor h going out of his way to be nice and i'm not a bit grateful. This is truly maddening but just cements my decision. As I said before he's never wrong is he?

Intricatelysimple: gah.....so infuriating, I know what you mean.....these men! Impossible. My OH cleaned the oven this morning. Go figure.

Its my 9 year old birthday today, and he woke early as usual with exitement. I was worried about how he would be being woken up. He was ok, but the nervousness is horrid.

Last night I baked a cake (baking isn't my strong point, I did over cook it a bit, but it looks awesome decorated :)), and true to form he came in and said "What have you burnt, I really don't know why you bother and why don''t you go buy one like everyone else". He says this to me every birthday, and every birthday i say the same thing "I like to bake them cakes for their birthdays, I do it every year, they love it".

He doesn't get me at all. 21 years, you'd expect a level of deep understanding, nope. Not at all.

Keep strong Intricatelysimple, you are not crazy, he is minimising.

Pudding and Intricately, thanks so much. Just for the validation alone which makes me feel better. Hurrah for birthday cake, slightly overdone or otherwise! Unbelievably his reason for texting ow is that he was after coke! He told her she was stunning and had nice boobs . I will never forget that.

Morning. How are you all?

So last night was DS's 9th birthday meal. We went out with my parents (who are also supposedly going through a break up). We were walking on cobbles and my mum had high heels on and my dad linked her arm to help her walk so she didn't fall over.

I looked at them and thought " he would never do that to me". So sad, I know the realisation is that we shouldn't be together, and I really think in the long term we would be happier apart. But its making that final decision I am really struggling with because genuinely I love him.

But he really despises me, I can feel it. His actions tell me that. he is so short and snappy with me :(

I feel really fragile today Partly because in my head I thought we would get DS's birthday out the way and I would try and move forward.

Hope you are having better days.

Just found this, its quite helpful. Going to try read it often.

www.quora.com/How-do-I-achieve-emotional-detachment-from-someone

I am sorry that you are having to think about it pudding. It's nice not to, isnt it? X

I get what you mean when you say "he'd never do that for me". What's taken me so long to realise is that I don't have to wait until he's done something that I deem "bad enough" nor do I need to have his permission. I've reached the end of the line with him and my feelings are real and relevant. I am entitled to end the relationship if I feel it doesn't make me happy any more. I'm fed up of putting his happiness ahead of my own because then that means there's 2 of us in this marriage doing that

You are so right. We don't need to wait until its bad enough, it already is, or we wouldn't be feeling like that now. Your feelings are real, they are relevant. I think I have been living in denial for the last 2 years. Denying it, because I am so angry with him i suppose for ruining what we had.
It was never 100% perfect but we had mutual respect, that's all been chipped away now.
I wrote a letter today on my laptop, don't know when or if I will give it to him, but its very certain I want to split.
When do you think you might tell him intricatelysimple?

I'm glad you've had an outlet to get your feelings out. It's really up to you if you feel like giving him the letter but I suppose it's good to have the opportunity to straighten out your own head iykwim.

Oh i've told my husband I want to split but he's completely ignoring it and acting like nothing is happening. I'm not going to bother trying to get him to sit down and talk with me about it because, well, why should I? I instigate every "talk" and he never bloody talks. All I get is a blank expression, lots of eye rolling and then him trying to make out that i'm turning him into the "bad guy". I'm not wasting my breath. I'm just going to see a solicitor and when they're ready to send him a letter i'll probably give him a heads up out of courtesy but that's it. I know the shit will hit the fan then but i'm going to cross that bridge when I come to it. As soon as the letter's sent then i'm going public with family and friends/colleagues and hopefully then he'll take it seriously and we'll get down to the business of logistics. Well i'll find out soon enough I suppose.
Take care

You are bloody fantastic

Intracatelysimple: sorry , I realised you had "told" him, but was asking about the official letter since he still thinks you aren't serious.

I am being sulked at, stone walled the last couple of days, because he realises I am not crawling after him trying to make things better as I usually do. I am trying to stay strong and haven't initiated any physical contact. He is feeling that I am sure and becomes more insecure, so there will be a big blow up soon. When that happens I will hand him the letter and move out.

Just worried about the boys now, but this morning my DS was trying to speak and OH kept interrupting him like he normally does and DS rolled his eyes at me, i could sense his frustration. So i know they will understand as much as they can, why we should seperate.

I was laid awake this morning thinking I really need to get legal advice. So thats the next step.

Have a good day.

Hi,

I hope you don't mind me posting too but in need of some support and you all sound in a similar ditiayoon to me. I am married to an EA DH, I finally realised last week that I had actually have had enough and I mean it. I've said it in the past but there's always been a part of me that is scared and when he has been Mr. Nice guy for a few days I've just slipped back into the relationship.
This time I'm done, I'm just worried about what happens next....I've told him, he's blamed it all on me, saying I need to try harder, be nicer, not be so cold hearted etc not once has he said 'I love you' and that says it all for me.
I've told him I'm not sleeping with him anymore, he went crazy, saying I'm heartless and throwing away our family and then hurled abuse at me with name calling etc I've also asked him to leave but he hasnt.
What I'm concerned about is we have two DC, one is only two and still breastfed, it breaks my heart to think of my DH having him overnight as he has never got him to sleep or settled him back to sleep when he wakes in the night. I know their is no reason that my DS needs the breast other than for comfort but just want to continue until he's ready to give up. DS sleeps in our bed at night as his bedroom is being renovated and if he wakes up my DH says 'right if you won't go to sleep with mummy you'll have to sleep with daddy'. My DS then cries and rushes to snuggle in with me. It's like a punishment for him not sleeping so for him to be left overnight with him would be upsetting for DS. Any advice? I'm just trying to think of everything and my heads a mess, our lives are so entwined, I work for DH and so breaking away is a huge financial worry too but I need to do this for my own sanity.
I'm so tired of being 'not good enough' x

Hi all,
Just to say that last January I was you - decided that enough was enough of the way driving me mental. It wasn't until I'd filed for divorce and started to tell people examples of events in my life that I truly began to realise that it wasn't me who was mental!!
It is hard.
It is also COMPLETELY doable!
See you on the other side, ladies!!

Hi beachbaby. Well done on your first step of realising that your husband is a complete arse! How long have you been married for?

The first thing i'll say to you is to take a deep breath and don't try to have an answer for every scenario straight away. This is what always sucked me back in. I took every possible future problem and tied myself up in knots trying to find solutions for them. I'd eventually concede in my own head that the problems were insurmountable so staying with 'd'h was the lesser of 2 evils. Does that make sense? The only decision you need to make right now is whether you want to stay married to this asshat. If you don't then all you need to do is start with the first thing that needs to be done. I would suggest legal advice. It'll help straighten out some of the financial worries you may have. Do you have any family or friends for support? Speak to them. Make this real. Stop protecting him. You are only hurting yourself and your lovely children. I am in your exact situation right now and have been there a hundred times before. My only regret is that I didn't get out sooner and stop wasting my precious life on this idiot. But we can only do what we can do and you won't be judged here if you don't make it out this time. The only thing I can promise you is that he won't change. It's in his dna. No amount of discussion, explaining, cajoling or begging is going to change who he is.

Don't worry yet about the dc having to stay with him. You'll cross that bridge when you come to it. I too bf'd my youngest until he was 2.5 so I understand the bond. I also understand that you probably use it as a comfort for him to shelter him from your husband. I promise nothing bad will happen to him if he misses a night's feeding. Or are you in any way worried that your husband would hurt the baby?

If you work for your husband then you have trasferrable skills. You'll find another job but remember you don't have to have all the answers straight away. He'll have to support you either way.

Take care of yourself. Talk here and if you have anyone in real life then reach out to them. You don't deserve this

Ah Teabay. I am so delighted to hear that. Well done and I look forward to joining you there very very soon

beachbaby: you are on the right track. I am no example its taken me two years to admit that I am indeed being EA and I need to leave but haven't quite had the heart to tell him yet (although I have kinda implied it a few times, but he doesn't think I meant it). However like you our lives feel so entwined that its difficult to extract yourself from the situation. I wrote a letter to me OH a few days ago, I haven't given it to him yet, but its has the same sentiments you feel "I am never enough". There is always a complaint, there is always criticism, always walking on eggshells, always made to feel like I am in the wrong. You are on the right track, your realisation has started to set in. I will tell you it will be an emotional rollercoaster, but we WILL get through it an come out the other side. Keep strong, your gut is telling you what you need to know. You will be happier, more relaxed without him, as will your kids in the long run. One of my main fears is splitting time with the kids, it will tear me apart to be away from them for a few nights, but I honestly think we will all be the better for it.

Teabay: great to hear a positive story :) Did it take you a while to remove yourself? How is your relationship with him now? Do you have children?

Pudding - two DC 6 & 10.
Told him last Jan that he was either depressed & unhappy, or a mean bastard. Asked to go marriage guidance. He went twice then when he didn't like what he heard (how he behaved wasn't ok) he stopped going!
I filed for divorce April. I moved out July (he refused).
I now am divorced, have house of my own and am just about to report him to CMS for lack of financial support.
He is a fckin nightmare - I can't believe I was in it for nearly 20 yrs!!
There is a REALLY helpful thread and community here - I'll post it below.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2803565-Support-thread-for-those-of-us-having-to-co-parent-with-a-narc-or-very-difficult-exh-thread-4

It is the most difficult thing I have ever done and I can't quite believe that I did it tbh - it was like suddenly one day the scales DID fall from my eyes.
My parents struggled with it - I was such a good liar and had covered up/explained away/justified his surliness and ungenerous spirit so many times that I think they thought I was making it up. Now they get it - and are behind me.
Not the easiest thing for kids, especially as I try really hard not to diss him, but he thinks nothing of sobbing saying "mummy has done this to us, she doesn't want to live here with us anymore". Hard to stomach. However, I patiently and calmly and REPEATEDLY say "Dad wasn't very kind to me, so I don't want to live with him anymore. No one deserves to be shouted at or moaned at all the time, so I'm going to live in my own house".

Thanks Teabay I will take a look, I have not clicked on that threat as I cany say he is a Narc ;) although he probably is........ you sound super strong, well done :)

Just been listening to this, beachbaby, might be worth a listen:

My ex wasn't abusive and he left me for OW but the suddenly becoming perfect dad thing is very common. Stuff that he always 100% left up to me he now steps up and does - like organising birthday parties or asking who their friends are. If they are so capable of it why on earth didnt they do it before??

Thank you all x

You are right, I am worrying about every scenario and then thinking 'am I doing the right thing!'

I am worried my DH will read this as he has access to everything I do online but just had to post!

We've been married 13years, I left 5 years ago, I ran away while he was out but he convinced me that things would be better and I believed him, I had never heard of narcissistic personality disorder and believed that if I tried harder things would be better. I have tried so hard over the years but nothing I do/did is enough. I am so sad inside.

I need to get out and know that if it means spending a night away from my two year old then I will have to be brave......it's going to be horrendous!

I'm having counselling with WA but just had a change of counsellor halfway through my course of sessions and the new one I find hard to connect with. So THANK YOU for your support on here.

I've never before felt so strong and think that I can actually be free?!!!!
Going to need an armour of steel, he's back today after being away for a night and I'm feeling sick of what lies ahead xxx

Teabay great to hear positive outcome x
Intricately simple and pudding21 thankyou from the bottom of my heart for understanding exactly where I'm at ️xx

Beachbaby: so you left once, you can do it again.

Go to your browser and delete your history from mumsnet so he doesn't see your posts. I do this on a daily basis just in case ;)