My marriage maybe over?

[Intricatelysimple]

My 'd'h and I have been together for 20 years, married for 12 with 3 dc. From the very start he was a controlling bully. Your stereotypical street angel house devil. I have tried many times to end our marriage but there's always been something holding me back, kids/finances/insert reason here.

Anyway from reading these boards I have managed to get some strength from the great collective wisdom of you fabulous ladies and have decided after the most recent episode that enough is truly enough. I have little real world support as I have no close friends - as is typical for when married to such a man. I get along fine with my family but we wouldn't be close enough to discuss our more personal problems.

After a quite minor incident last week I felt it was the straw that finally broke the camel's back so to speak. He's bewildered and is treating me as if i'm crazy. He went so far as to tell me "I need to get over my mid life crisis". And that was the kindest thing he said. However I know he realizes he's gone to far so now enter Disney Dad the greatest dad there ever has been! He cooks, he cleans, he does homework, he speaks in a lovely respectful, interested voice to the dc asking all kinds of lovely questions about how their day has been. He shops! Groceries! Wow this is truly amazing. This man has been in my house all this time and I didn't know it! I must be so foolish not to have noticed. Oh how we'll laugh about all of this in the future!

Of course not.

This is the act and I have to admit it's good. Probably the best performance yet. I should call the Academy Awards people and get them to put him on the list. The very tippety top of the list cos this is really good. But I'm not fooled. I can still see the seething hysteria in his eyes when I dared to go out with some work colleagues over Christmas and stayed out until the ungodly hour of 1am. After 5 hours of ignored texts and phonecalls he was waiting outside the restaurant we had gone to literally staking his own wife. That was pretty embarrassing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So thank you for reading. Writing this down has been cathartic. I'm seeing a solicitor next week and am starting the legal process. The real world process will most likely be much trickier but i'll get through.

God we're like the Stepford Wives. I go incognito when I look up Mumsnet. That in itself should tell us something about the type of men we're married to!

Also I second what pudding says. You can do this again. Only this time you definitely know you won't go back

Ok and update and I could really do with some advice/handholding.

After weeks of minimal talking and Disney dadding I can see a change in my husband's mood. He has generally spent the past few weeks acting like a saint and in effect trying to make me look bad. You know as if somehow he has been the injured party. However over the past couple of days he has been attempting to engage me in chit chat. I reckon he thinks if we start talking again then the past few weeks will magically disappear and we'll go back to normal. Well I haven't been having it and have continued to remain disengaged. I generally have been going to bed early once the kids are in bed as our house is very small and I just can't bear to be alone with him. Unfortunately we still have to share a bed as we don't have a spare room but our youngest normally comes in at night and i've not been discouraging him as i'm glad to have the physical barrier between us. Besides our bed is big and he doesn't affect our sleep.

Anyhow back to today. I text h to ask him something about one of the boys football today. He rang me back and i couldn't help myself and said "you could have just text that back. I didn't need you to call". Of course he's now all hurt and offended . I've just had a text telling me that he doesn't understand what is wrong with me. That obviously I am very unhappy and that I should go and do "whatever and whomever I have in my head". He can look after the boys and I can just leave apparently. I was expecting this to be honest but it did get my horns up. I did text back and told him what I thought of him (a few choice words!) and that he needed to have a good long look in the mirror and acknowledge that he caused this. I told him I'm seeing a solicitor to get a formal separation and that he should do the same.

His reply: "What have I done".

I'm not even going to reply and his level of unawareness still staggers me after all these years. Please help me hold this together and not explode because I know if I do then i'll come off this looking much worse

You can hold it together - just remember that it's part of their script.
All of us here have had something really really similar.
Mine was when he told a friend in the village (whilst sobbing), "She's just the perfect wife - I don't know what I've done". When she told me this (with an accusatory air, poor old him) I simply replied, "Well maybe he should've thought of that when he was calling me a fucking cnt and telling me I should lose a stone or get another job" (I'm a size 8-10 earning twice him)....
Went down a treat!
KOKO, know you can do it xx

Of course he knows what he's done.
It's just that if he can get you to talk about it he gets to argue the toss, get you upset and (he hopes) then you shout or misspeak and he can point the finger back at you.

He wants to engage you as Tea said. Ignore. Don't engage just follow through with your decision.

"What have I done?"

"Mistaken me for a doormat who would put up with your emotionally abusive sh*t for the rest of my life"

Of course just ignore and do not engage but you can at least say it back in your head and to anyone who actually asks!

Oh intricatelysimple keep strong, you've done so well to get to where you are.

It amazes me that they act so unaware of their behaviour but then I question are they unaware or just unaccountable as if they were really unaware they wouldn't suddenly turn into Mr.nice guy when they feel their power over us slipping away.

Intricatelysimple this is your chance to follow it through, wishing you all the luck and strength in the world x see that solicitor, this is your chance of a new start but just be strong and when he tells you it's YOU that's to blame remember that this is the only way they know how to respond. They can't accept any fault or responsibility, their self esteem is too fragile!!!

My DH got home last night from being away for two days (bliss!!! I had my parents over and I laughed, which is something seriously lacking in my life!) anyway, my DH left on Thursday calling me names and accusing me of being mean and heartless, he breezes in last night all sweetness and light!!!! He's either had a personality transplant while he was away or my guessing that he actually is playing his trump card of being Mr. Nice!

Every morning I make him a coffee in bed (and toast) this morning he said THANK YOU , not once but three times......its unheard of! I'm also feeling ill (heavy cold nothing major) and he asked me if he could get me anything.....he then said shall I get you some hot water honey and lemon!!!!! Normally when I'm ill he ignores it as its a hassle he can do without, last time I had 24 hour sickness bug it was a Sunday and he decided he needed to work and left me looking after children whilst throwing up (cooking their meals was a challenge I could of done without!) He told me when I pointed out to him how unhelpful he was, he said i should be grateful for him working to keep a roof over our heads and that work has to come first. Funny how the day before on Saturday work didn't come first and he could take a day off to play golf!!!

All the things I said (separating,him moving out etc) are like I've never mentioned them and it's like he can just ignore the fact I told him it's over and we can get back to normal. I'm really starting to hate him and hate him for how he's made me feel. I am not inadequate, messy, scum of the earth, a filthy whore or so messy and untidy that we need a cleaner. When he's away we are a happy little family!

Wish I had a magic wand to make him disappear, I'd loan it to you ️lovely ladies too 😜 x

Intricatelysimple how's things? How's he been with you?
Hope you're okay? X

Thanks so much to everyone. You don't know how much your kind words mean. After a massive bust up today i'm even more resolved to carry on with my plan to get out. It feels so close and so real and is giving me the courage to continue. Thanks again

You've got this intricatelysimple!!!!
Keep strong x

This is a turning point for you, stay strong and do what your gut is telling you. Please be careful, you cannot predict his reaction when it starts to dawn on him that this is it. Thinking of you.

@Intracatelysimple: sorry to hear he is being a shit, lots of hand holding here. Keep strong. I think many of us are kinda hitting the same stage, so its good to have understanding here. Keep strong and look after yourself (you sound like a wonderful parent and human being!)

So update here too:

Yesterday kids school was on strike so I was working and he was with the boys. First thing was he took them for lunch, told me he only had a glass of wine, discovered it was more than that (i casually asked my son about what they had to eat etc....) and he drove them in the car. Furious doesn't even cut it seen as though earlier this year he had a 4 month ban for drink driving........

Secondly I was driving with my boys and the oldest one needed to blow his nose so I asked him to get some tissues out the glove compartment. He said "there isn't any, daddy asked me to get one this morning and there aren't any there. He said mummy never puts things back and she doesn't do much around the house"...........Then he said "But without you we would have no money would we". I asked him if he said that to his dad and he said "No, cos he will get angry". I didn't make too much of a big deal about it at the time with DS as I certainly don't want to, even if he is, to put them in the middle.

I didn't say anything when I got home, and last night we sat and watched TV together and he was drunk. So I went to bed, at 3:30 I was woken up with his terrible snoring so I went in the other room and thought for several hours. I went back to "our" bed and said to him this morning....Two things, NEVER EVER drive when you have had a drink, especially with the kids in the car and secondly, if you really think I don't do anything in the house, talk to me about it, don't bad mouth me to our son".

He said "I don't have to discuss this now". To which I replied "Walk out the door, and I am telling you its over". He walked out the door.

So, decision firmly made. Now to logistics.

The kids are at my parents tonight (was already planned as they are here on holiday- I live abroad, they have a holiday home here). I just tried to talk to him about it, he doesn't want to and has now gone out for dinner alone.

I am now looking at apartments. I told my parents. They will lend me enough for 6 months rent. Monday I will go and set up a bank account in my name only and transfer work pay into that one. I will pay him £700 a month for bills while he stays in our (beautiful) house. He has a substantial sum of money in the UK from his fathers inheritance. I think that is fair, right? (or more than fair). I will also try see some apartments. While it breaks my heart to leave our beautiful house we actually built together, i am being kind as it will give him some balance and something to look after when I am not here. I fear if he has to move out, he either won't or it will send him into a deep depression.

I want to suggest to him about child care. I think its fair that he has them every other weekend and perhaps Mondays and Tuesday too. Plus I travel with work for 7-10 days at a time (every three months) so I need him to be a bit flexible.

I work full time, I get the boys dressed and sorted for school every day and pick them up and get dinner ready three days a week. At weekends I am more involved in their day to day care. I take them to Karate twice a week, I organise all school and health stuff. I also tidy after them and am not messy by any means. He doesn't work, and in fairness does do the housework and ironing and some cooking.I feel I don't see the kids enough, so I am damned at the weekend if I will spend it ironing, when he has all week to do it. Do you really think I don't do enough? Anyway, that is just one thing in a long list of gripes he has with me.

Hand holding needed here too everyone

pudding21 - thinking of you and the challenges ahead 💐

Isn't it a shame that it ends up being us that move out whilst they get to stay in a lovely home!!!! Think I'll be the one to move too as he's not shifting and even tried to discuss renovation plans on our house today, think he's on another planet as nothing I've said has sunk in (or it's not what he wants to hear!)
Only problem is I'm not sure how desirable I'll be as a tenant with DC, a dog, cat and no job (as work for DH!) think you're being very good paying the bills for him!
That's awful pudding21 about the drink driving with your DC, well done for being strong and voicing your concerns. I'm often scared to stand up to DH as he hates being told that he's doing something wrong and will verbally attack, it's not nice. Has your DH returned yet?

Having wobbles this afternoon about whether I'm doing the right thing.....know I am but the doubts are creeping in!

Well it looks like we are all in a similar position. The only thing I'll say to you pudding is don't do or commit to anything without legal advice. I know you're trying to be fair but I do think your plan is actually far too weighted in his favour. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you being generous will make him appreciate your efforts to be reasonable. I had a great chat today with a friend who I've told my whole sorry story to. She's been through divorce and I told her that all I wanted was a separation and was willing to let him walk away with no financial responsibility as long as we separated. She helped me see that doing that was not being fair to our children and I really need to see this as a business transaction in a way. Keep receipts, be meticulous, stay calm, see a solicitor. Leave emotion outside the door(as much as possible right?). We'll eventually get to court and judges don't do emotions - just facts. So please get advice before doing anything even if it delays things a little bit cos it'll be worth it in the long term.

Beachbaby I'm thinking of you. So horrible to feel like all your words fall on deaf ears. You're worth more than this.

Intricatelysimple - great advice x

I'm going from wavering over my decision to really hating him! He's just told DC we are going out for family breakfast, I told him I wasn't going (can't stand being around him most of the time now and want to avoid situations where he plays 'happy families!!!' I came up for a bath and he shouts up that he's taking my car as the car seat is better. I am fuming as he knows I can't drive his and it means I won't be able to go out but also he gives me no money (despite me working for him). I pay for my car and petrol out of the tax credits and now he's using my car when his is sat outside!!!!! This man infuriates me! Sorry if it seems petty but I am sick of him and his ways.
How do I escape? He's not going to leave.....I'm going to get legal advice, although looking online it appears that we are both entitled to stay in the house 😢 x

Hope you are all doing okay???

Thanks pudding21 just watched the YouTube video link and it is so accurate!

I'm really struggling today in HOW to deal with it......and move forward! Seeing WA counsellor tomorrow hopefully she'll have some words of wisdom for me 😔 x

Morning all, hope everyone slept well. Intracately simple and beachbaby thanks for replying, and hand holding. Keep up the strength, we can do this!! I will get legal advice, and beachbaby- i waiver all the time, just keep remembering what hurts you, and how much better youll feel out of his control.

So, he went out last night, came home after an hour. Stayed in his man cave and I went to be early. This morning he got up and started chuntering to himself loudly about the fact I had bought skimmed milk (it was the only one in the shop). i asked him what the problem was and he said "its got fuck all to do with you, I suppose now you have got me on this shit now have you" (meaning the skimmed milk). i actually smiled because I thought....yep and there it is. Thats my point and if he can't see it there is no point trying.

I went to the gym, lifted some heavy ass weights and now feel much better. Off to lunch with my folks and planning that by next weekend I will be outta here with the boys.

The fact he isn't trying to establish what will happen with them speaks volumes to me. He just doesn't appear to care (although I do know he loves them dearly).

Ok, just wanted to pop in and say hope Sunday is bearable.....will post more tomorrow :)

So now the next step. How to deal with being ignored? I haven't asked him to put the bins out I've told him I want a separation. After a nasty argument on Saturday where he left and came back 3 or 4 times to spew vitriol at me (blah, blah, you won't take the kids, blah, blah, what have I even done ) he has now reverted to lovely man. I did say to him on Saturday night as I was going to bed that the atmosphere was awful for the children and that it couldn't continue. Do you think his tiny brain took that sentence and twisted it so he thinks the row is now over?

Anyway I'm not wasting any more time explaining the situation to him. I'm carrying on with my plan and he can either keep ignoring it (cue wide eyed stare) or get his own advice and start moving.

Happy Monday everyone

Morning intricatelysimple: I guess the next step is getting that letter right? I am kind of being ignored too. Didn't say a word to me yesterday.

I am a bit worried about my eldest, was yesterday saying he was worried we were going to separate and his life would be worse. :(

Today I have an appointment at 2:30 to open a bank account. I have money in cash for 6 months deposit (thanks dad) and I have tried to arrange some viewings but all the places I saw at the weekend are not available, so back to the drawing board.

Keep it up IS. Keep strong. You are doing the RIGHT thing.

Yep. Just keep on keeping on I suppose. Is it wrong that I feel a bit sorry for him? I'm absolutely not having a wobble about my decision or anything but I'm not a completely cold hearted bitch. It doesn't help that I have my mother telling me how it's such an awful thing to "send a man away from his children". I think my mum would prefer if I made a martyr of myself but hey ho I have to just ignore her too don't I?

Good luck with the house hunt. The right thing will come up. I'm sure of it. I think I know how you're feeling and you probably feel a bit of urgency to get things happening but look you have the whole rest of your life. The right place will come along and you'll explain things to your little boy as best you can. I have a similar problem but my boys are a bit older (well the youngest is only 7). I'm afraid if we tell them together then my husband will become a wreck and will try to make it look like I'm kicking him out and that's not what he wants. If I tell them on my own then I'm a heartless cow. I think I'll just take it a day at a time and only give them the answers to things I'm absolutely sure about. I might start with the older 2 boys and they'll help me with the little one. They do really love their dad though so I can't help but feel bad

Inticatelysimple: I feel like that a bit today, i feel terribly sorry for him. He has noone, but that isn't my fault. He isolated himself from all his old friends (doesnt make any effort) and all our new friends are mutual and only in our lives because I make the effort.

Its all part of the head fuckery!

Hi,

I'm feeling guilty too 😕 my DH is being so nice atm but I keep telling myself it's just an act! Saw WA counsellor today and she kept saying that although it feels like you are doing the wrong thing for the children by leaving him, you are actually doing the best thing for them by showing them that this behaviour, atmosphere, treatment is not normal!
I'm feeling terrible today, feel like my resolve is slipping away but going to maintain my no sex rule and just keep going.....maybe he'll go off and find his next victim? 😕 he's away again on Weds so I've just got to get through another couple of days before I get a break again and can think clearly.

Puddibg21 I've looked at rental properties too and rang up about a couple, the good ones go quickly. I've not got much appeal as a tenant either as have animals, young children and no full time employment so really struggling (despite the fact that having a lovely home is really important to me!) think getting him to leave is impossible so not sure what to do!!!!!!
️Lovely to hear your updates......keep going lovely ladies, be strong! xxxx

Hey Pudding. What is it with these guys? Mine is the same. Lost contact with all his friends from school/college (except for the ones he interacts with professionally - he doesn't see any of them outside work) and is also estranged from all of his family. None of this is my fault though and I can't take responsibility for it. He's a big boy now and I can't be the solution to all of his problems any more.

Chin up! We'll get through this and hopefully look back and wonder why we were so nervous to make a change.

Beachbaby your WA counsellor was so right. However you do only have to do this at our own pace and when the time is right for YOU then it'll happen. Keep talking and take care of yourself