I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

OP I agree with others that this was rape - BUT I don't think we or anyone else can tell you the "right" way to handle this. You have to do what's right for you and your family, and in your circumstances I can completely understand the logistics of having a termination and saying you've had a miscarriage.

I am however worried about you going through this alone. Would you be prepared to say roughly where you are? If you are in my area I would gladly come along and offer you some support. If you're in another area, I bet there are other MNers who would do the same.

You poor thing. I am sure you are not a bad person and you didn't do any of this deliberately. I can't blame you for trying to salvage your marriage by telling a lie - I would probably do the same to be honest, so don't beat yourself up about it whatever you choose to do.

I recon you have two choices:

a) Report the rape (sorry but I think it was rape) and hope your husband agrees - then have a termination.
b) There is a risk that although we all know it was rape from your description, your husband will have pride that will be hurt and may not agree. If you think this might happen, have the termination and tell him a white lie to save your family. Wouldn't he rather think it was a miscarriage than have to deal with the emotional burden of knowing the truth? Why put him though that?

It might seem overwhelming and impossible now, but I promise you this will pass one way or another and you will be OK.

Good luck

I imagine that from your DH's oint of view you were out flirting with this man prior to anything else that happened, and that alone may give him reason to end the relationship. Certainly if a woman came on here saying that her husband was out flirting openly with and coming on to other women while out the chorus of LTB would obliterate everything else.

I understand this POV here, however something that I had to come to terms with when similar happened to me was that this man had made a beeline for me all evening. He was flirting, pushing my boundaries and basically 'on me'. I have had to work through why I was such a people pleaser and not able to tell him that he was making me feel uncomfortable and to 'do one' - because what I did was giggle back and it would have looked like I was flirting with him. I wasn't, I had no feelings towards him at all, I thought I was being 'friendly'. I am not saying this is what happened to the OP, but I certainly had to get more fucking savvy about men 'coming on to me' and start having the balls to stand up for myself when men made me feel uncomfortable.

It's a grey world.

OP you were raped, it definitely wasn't your fault. But your husband doesn't sound a very nice man at all hence why you are deciding to go through this all alone. I probably would be making the same decision you have in your situation, but afterwards I would be evaluating my relationship with my husband in a lot more detail!

It was rape.

I would confess all. You won't be able to live with lying.

Sperm can live up to 7 days actually.

I am so sorry this happened to you. No, nobody is being 'nicer than you deserve'. You 'deserve' nothing but sympathy and support. Why would you deserve to be judged and blamed? You did nothing to judge or blame you for.

It sounds to me like you're punishing yourself. For being the victim of a rape. You feel like you are to blame, so you must bear the pain and guilt and you must terminate a wanted pregnancy. (By the sounds of it, the baby is most likely your husband's). It also sounds like you are trying to make it all 'right' again, no matter the cost to yourself (because it feels like your fault).

But it has happened. It is not your fault. And try as you might, you can't make it un-happened. There will be consequences, either way.

Regarding the question of terminating or not. I just want to point out that it could come to light at some point in the future that this man slept with you raped you. (Try as you might, you can't make it go away) Maybe you contracted chlamydia that will cause secondary infertility which will be discovered when you investigate after failing to fall pregnant again. Maybe the rapist will brag about it. Maybe the termination itself will cause complications that need further treatment, making it impossible to pass it off as miscarriage. These are circumstances outside of your control, you cannot be sure to keep the secret for ever.

So assuming it all comes out, contrary to your plan to take it to your grave: Do you think the choice to terminate will make it better or worse, from your husband's perspective? He may perceive it as: Well at least she did her best to clear the situation up. Or he may feel: That was most likely OUR baby she aborted, without even talking to me about it, and maybe our last chance at a baby. And did she trust me so little that she would not even confide in me that she had been raped?

And by the way:

Drunk woman on sofa, what happens next?

But hang on. Yes it may have been rape but as the OP can't remember anything, maybe she consented but was too drunk to remember consenting?
It's possible to say 'yes' and be so drunk that doesn't stay in your memory the next day.
If you are very very drunk- and I have been once, decades ago- your memory blanks out for periods of time.

So I don't think it's right to say this was rape because it's not that clear cut.

I'm so sorry that you don't feel that your husband is a man who could support you in this awful situation where you have quite clearly been raped.
I think I would be terminating the pregnancy, not to spare his feelings, but because I was leaving him and didn't want to bring another child into the family in those circs. I feel very sad for you.

www.prenatalpaternitiesinc.co.uk/

Wonder if you Missed my bit on DNA
Testing. There's a higher chance
It it DHs baby. If a prenatal DNA test confirms this (you need to act quickly). Then you can keep the baby.

I think telling your DH will rip your marriage apart. He sounds a bit odd telling people about the pregnancy when you 'begged' him not to. Not sure what kind of husband does that actually. Do you want to be with him forever?

I just wanted to add my voice to those saying you've been raped. I'm so so sorry op but you have . The shame you feel isn't yours to carry, it belongs to the man who carried you into his home that night. He isn't the 'other man'. He is a rapist.

I also agree with the poster who is gently questioning the type of Man you are married to if he would be unable to see this.

I wish I could offer some constructive advice of where to go from here, counselling sounds like a good option. Take care of yourself, you have done nothing to deserve the situation you are in

Polly, it's CLEARLY rape. The law says a woman must be capable of giving consent. A woman who can't remember anything, is throwing up, two men had to help her stand up....I defy any judge to direct a jury that consent could be freely given in these circs. So unless the OP is missing out the part where she was also suddenly lucid while taking her knickers off, then it is as rapey as rape gets in the eyes of the law. You need to educate yourself before you say such dim things in public.

It is that clear cut polly. She was vomiting and unable to walk. The man could clearly see she was incapable of consenting. She couldn't have even really known where she was and who she was with. He knew that.

Polly, you need to educate yourself about rape culture because right now you are buying into the bollocks that it is.

There is no "OM". There is just an attacker. The detail about him claiming you said you were on the pill just underlines this - why on earth would you have done that?

I agree. I suspect strongly he lied about you saying that, which pinpoints that in fact he knowingly and deliberately raped you, taking advantage of the fact you were drunk.

Yes it may have been rape but as the OP can't remember anything, maybe she consented but was too drunk to remember consenting?

How can you have the capability to consent to sex when you are vomiting and don't have the capability to walk? Anyone who has sex with you in that condition, whatever you say, is raping you.

OP, you are in a horrible, awful situation and I really feel for you. You need support - please speak to Rape Crisis and to the counsellors at Marie Stopes ASAP.

This was rape. I'm so sorry

As to what you do now, I can only say what I think I would do in this situation, which is probably what you are planning to do.

I couldn't live with the anxiety that the baby was the man who raped me and not my husband's. I'd be worried that I'd get caught out eventually by some sort of inherited condition or blood type which could only have come from the OM. I'd never feel 'safe', even 10 or 20 years later.

Look after yourself.

PollyPerky I agree that it's not a clear-cut case of rape. However, you have to question how or why any man would want to have sex with a woman who was so drunk that it took two men to help her up the stairs to his flat.

OP if I was in your shoes I would go ahead with the termination.... tell those who know you miscarried.

It sounds like the implications for telling the truth will be far reaching, I'd rather suffer in silence ... get counselling etc. And move on with my life. But that's me... and I know it wouldn't affect me one bit.

We all make mistakes in life. And sometimes we should do what we must to control the fallouts that could potentially occur because of them.
staying out of the rape discussion

Polly, I actually don't think you understand the legal definfiton of rape at all, as honed by judicial decisions over the years. A woman can owardely appear to consent, by saying yes, or indicating that she is 'up for it' and it will still be held to be rape in certain circumstances where all other evidence points towards consent NOT being freely given. Men are expected to take the 'yes' or the other signals as not being valid where it ought to be obvious, as in the OP's case. That is the law. By all means get frothy mouthed and swivel eyed over how preposterous it is that these slutty women drunk women get to 'cry rape' in these circs, but that IS the law.

WannaBe, you're another thick as shit rape apologist. I say this as a lawyer- if the OP is telling us everything then I can't think of a more textbook 'date rape'. Fuck off out of this thread unless you're willing to educate yourself, both of you.

this is an excellent forum for getting quick and varied responses.

PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE and get an appointment with a reputable therapist.

Polly, it's CLEARLY rape. The law says a woman must be capable of giving consent. A woman who can't remember anything, is throwing up, two men had to help her stand up....I defy any judge to direct a jury that consent could be freely given in these circs. So unless the OP is missing out the part where she was also suddenly lucid while taking her knickers off, then it is as rapey as rape gets in the eyes of the law.

I completely agree with you, City. It's rape, very clearly rape.

However, it was pretty much the exact same situation as the Ched Evans case (taxi driver saying she couldn't walk, falling over, vomiting, can't remember anything) and he was found Not Guilty. so we can't pretend that a jury would definitely convict here. Disgusting as that is, this is the legal system we live under.

i'm sure the police could interview the taxi driver that helped op up the stairs, for example. It's pretty clear-cut to me. I agree op, in these circs whatever you choose is fine, I hope you've got some RL support from someone you can trust to be on your side? tbh though, i'm not sure i'd bother reporting any rape by a person known to you for precisely the victim blaming sh1tstorm that happens.

You were raped. If you are not in a fit state to give consent and remember what happened you were raped by a shit who took advantage of you.

Had you actually drunk enough to be insensible or were you slipped something?

I think the advice to talk to rape crisis is good - someone who has heard it all before and can give you non judgemental advice.

"I can't believe how many pp on here think it's acceptable to lie to your husband about this. If this were the other way round it would be a certain LTB".

STFU. There is no 'other way round' - unless men can get pregnant from rape.

1. Get counselling
2. Get a DNA test, as some others have advised
3. Then make a decision.

You are the best judge of how your dh will react & whether you can keep this secret or not.