I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like it was rape rather than sex you'd enjoy, if you were in such a state that you could not consent. I would come clean to your husband, tell him you were raped (you were), and that you don't know if he used a condom or not, and that you now are pregnant. Do you know for sure he did not use a condom? I agree try to sort out some DNA testing like pp has suggested, might save you from the heartache of a termination. Although it is perfectly understandable you can't go through with having this baby.

is it going to be obvious if baby's dad is OM

OP, I am sorry that this has happened to you. Take a deep breath and try not to panic.

The situation that you are in, is that you were raped under circumstances you aren't sure if your husband will understand.

Think about this. Think about your husband, and your relationship with him. Ask yourself what kind of man he is, and how you feel about this. Ask yourself how you would feel if a friend were telling you that they were raped and were afraid to tell their husband.

a termination is very permanent so don't make a panic-driven decision about that.

Why did the fucking taxi man help get you up the stairs..I blame him just as much...why are they not trained to ask the woman..do you know this man? Do you want to go to his house...

Please reframe the language you are using and the way you are looking at this.

If you had to be carried by two men upstairs you were in no way able to consent.
If sex did then occur you do not have a OM you have a rapist.
I am sorry to be so blunt but you need to get that straight. It does not matter if you were wearing nipple tassles and grinding at the party all night. Rape is not your fault.

It is possible that this man is lying and there is no way the baby is his.

I think you are in a terrible situation and have an assortment of hard choices.

Could you access counselling at the moment, possibly initially through abortion services?
You need to talk to someone you can be totally honest with and work out what you actually want to do.
Please be very kind to yourself and understand you have been hurt and should ask for help

Also..THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT

I can't believe that any poster would give you a hard time about this, this is sexual assault at best and rape at worst. You were not in a fit state to consent, if you were that drunk why would any man want to have sex with you, he's an animal and the taxi driver shouldn't have allowed that to happen. The only thing you are guilty of is getting so drunk you was unable to keep yourself safe but I'd wonder if even that was part of his plan. Was he buying your drinks by any chance, was you aware and making a conscious decision to drink that much
You can not go through with an abortion without telling your husband, I can't imagine how the ramifications of that and the fact that you are trying deal with this alone, will affect your relationship long term anyway.
You need support.
The fact is even married women are allowed to go out, get drunk, dance and have fun it doesn't mean they should be subjected to non consensual sex. Please seek help, you know, and hopefully your husband knows you well enough to understand that this isn't your fault.

Have you thought of speaking in confidence to RapeCrisis?
0808 802 9999
link England & Wales
link Scotland
So sorry.

I think Bigweald is right.

I hope you can find the strength and courage to speak to your husband and tell him. And I hope he offers you the support you deserve

^^squibbler @ 10:39 totally agree. Also agree with other pp's. When I read your OP, RAPE screamed out at me.

Rape crisis would be another avenue for support, OP.

You're all being so much kinder than I deserve.

I don't believe DH would be sympathetic. I don't think he would see it as rape. When the Ched Evans case came out, he was very much of the view that if a woman hadn't clearly said no, the man wasn't to blame for misreading signals. It was the first time I had ever encountered the idea of consent being something you have to give, and not something sort of implied by behaviour. I remember thinking the girl in the ched evans case was "sort of to blame" herself. And how karma has come back to hurt me.

If I did tell DH, I think he would want the termination anyway if we couldn't guarantee the baby was his. So either way, I terminate this pregnancy. And I feel that keeping quiet and taking my lie to the grave is the better option of a heap of shit options. Either way everyone is hurt and devastated, but a "miscarriage" where I can fall pregnant with a much loved and wanted baby after is a short term pain, that everyone will forget about. The unknown repercussions of coming clean and everything that could possibly involve is too great a risk - I don't know how things could go and I don't feel it's a risk I can take.

I can't keep the baby and say nothing to DH, even though that's the option I want to do so badly. OM might realise the dates are too similar and tell anyone, and then everything could come crashing down then.

Yes, Marie Stopes offers counselling. I didn't take them up on it yet, but I will think about it.

I want to add my voice to those saying that sex you can't remember, sex that follows you being carried upstairs by two men, sex when you didn't have capacity to consent - is rape. Getting drunk is not consenting. Flirting is not consenting. You poor woman, how utterly horrendous. Please talk to a crisis line as given above if you need to do so. This is not your fault.

In your shoes, I would come clean with my DP at the earliest possible moment. I'm sure he will find it incredibly difficult, but if he is a good man he will also support you emotionally and to make the choice you need to make, whatever the result of that may be.

I wish you all the best

Oh love, I'm so sorry, what an utter shit of a situation.

This is going to be hard I can't say if you're doing the right thing, the best thing would be to tell all to your husband, are you sure he wouldn't get that this isn't you? You wouldn't do that? Never have, never will, you were raped, do you not think he'd believe you?

If you're absolutely convinced that your family would be destroyed at this news, then all you can do is what you suggest.

Your heart will break I'm sure, is there anyone that you can tell the truth to? So you have someone to hold your hand through this? You're going to need it, you must safeguard your mental well being.

I just want to say something very important to you, and I hope you take this in. This was not your fault. You were too drunk to walk and therefore too drunk to consent to sex. You have been sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, and that now you have to deal with all of this as well. I think you need to be honest with your husband and tell him that you were sexually assaulted and can't be sure the baby is his. I hope he has the strength and the decency to support you through this. Just remember, this is not your fault

You must do what you think is the right decision at the end of the day.
Please see about getting an STI check....I'd imagine you can have one done at the same time as termination?

I feel so very sad for you OP.

I hope you are ok

Life is so tough sometimes

There is no "OM". There is just an attacker. The detail about him claiming you said you were on the pill just underlines this - why on earth would you have done that?

You were definitely raped if you weren't in a condition to give consent but making a complaint to the police probably won't make your situation at the moment any better. I'd be inclined to have the child and take the risk that it's the OM's. I think this happens more often than you would think. It's not worth risking your and your children's security for a simple mistake you would never have made if sober.

You're obviously seeking views on terminating this pregnancy and not on whether you were raped so I'll only give my opinion on what you asked.
I'd go ahead with the termination without telling your DH and do it asap so you can put it all behind you.

OP cannot possibly just continue with the pregnancy and keep her fingers crossed: can you imagine the anxiety she'll suffer for the entire period, and how she'll feel once the baby is born if it turns out to be OM's? For all we know the OM is of a different nationality and it could be "apparent" when the baby is born, or as it grows. Even if OM and her husband are identical she's unlikely to be able to "forget about" the possibility that the child belongs to OM, and he might work out the uncertainty for himself anyway.

OP all I can say is how very, very sorry I am that this has happened to you.

So sorry you are in this awful position op, it must be heart breaking for you.

Is there any chance the OM is lying about you having had sex? It sounds like he's lied about you saying you were on the pill, so I wonder if he's made it up to maybe use it against you as bribery or something?

This is a huge burden to carry on your own and agree with pps that you really need to take up some sort of counselling.

Good luck x

Just here to add another voice to say that yes, you were definitely raped.

You had to be carried into the house and you don't even remember having sex.

No wonder you've been confused and acting out of character - you're still suffering from the trauma.

You are blaming yourself for all kinds of stuff which is in no way your fault. You deserve help and support from everyone around you.

Can I gently suggest that your husband doesn't sound very nice?

He told your families about your pregnancy despite you 'begging him not to'.

He had no sympathy with a rape victim and consequently you're afraid to tell him of your attack?

It looks like boundaries are all over the place.

I mean this kindly.