I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

The DNA can now be taken from the baby in pregnancy

www.prenatalpaternitiesinc.co.uk/

You would probably need OM to give you his DNA. If he refuses or speaks about it you threaten police action.

This way you wouldn't need to abort if it is not his.

It's £400 and he should pay for it. If you do do it, cover your tracks with payment.

FWIW, it does sound as though you were raped. Too drunk to consent = rape.

When you got in to the taxi with OM - did you do so knowing you were going back to his house for sex? If so, it doesn't stop what happened being rape if you had pretty much lost capacity by the time you arrived - but it could be a LTB for DH.

How you handle this is up to you, obviously. Personally, I would have to tell DH the truth - because the truth has a way of either coming out in the end or eating away at you and destroying your life through guilt, stress that it might come out etc. etc.

Also your DH does deserve to know the truth. Think about it OP, if your DH had got in to a taxi knowing he was going back to a woman's house for sex wouldn't you want to know? Even if by the time he got there he was feeling so rough that the sex never happened?

IMHO, successful marriages need honesty.

Sperm can live for quite a while inside the woman but I think maximum about 48 hours so if it was 3 days before your fertile window it's much more likely it's your dh as you say you slept with him in your fertile time. You don't have to have an abortion if you don't want to there are other ways to deal with it, and even if the worst happened it's something you can get through , yes it would cause problems in your marriage that may or may not be fixable but then so will this awful lie you are about to tell everyone, that may damage you through stress and could cause problems in your marriage anyway. This is a difficult situation but abortion is not your only solution

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Regardless of how you acted or how much you drank it is does sound like rape.

Do you see him at work? I would be concerned once he knows you are pregnant he could tell people or it would get out somehow anyway as these things tend to do, although he may not mention it incase you did go to the police or tell the truth.

If it was me I would need to decide if I could go through with a termination, or not let the truth eat away at me forever . If you think your DH would support you then telling the truth now is probably the best answer.

Be kind to yourself

Actually sperm can live up to 5 days!

OP I would just like to tell you that if a man and a taxi driver had to carry you into the house, because you were so out of it you couldn't walk- then that was rape. There is no way you were in a fit state to consent.

I would advise that you go and speak to someone (like a counsellor at the termination clinic) to really talk this through. You are risking your own mental health here - having a termination and not telling anyone/pretending it was a miscarriage will be a huge burden to carry, alone, for the rest of your life.

I had a similar situation and although initially my husband didn't want me to have the baby as there was no chance it was his, I could not do that , I decided I would keep the baby regardless of anything else. I went to the appointment and could not start it and was in tears. He then wanted to keep me and the baby as his although to tell his parents the truth so would not be lying to them. They are nice people though. However it didn't come to this for me as I miscarried . And afterwards well I'm still sad about it a year later. He never brings it up and allows me to be sad in regards as to it was my pregnancy. But I would have regretted an abortion. But yet without this baby my life is definitely more simple. But I never had the chance of it being my husband's. Tell him. If he's a good person and wants his family together he may understand. My husband guessed as he could tell I was pregnant saw I was distraught and upset and knew we hadn't had sex for a long time.

Above all you need to be supported by your dh at this time! You haven't cheated on him. You were raped. Dancing and flirting doesn't mean 'shag me'. You should also have sti checks. . You need to tell dh the truth. For your mental health and for your family. .

You poor thing. What a terrible situation. I'd be worried about you going through the termination after your miscarriage experience. Do you think you could cope with it? I just don't know what to advise on what to tell your husband though. Telling him might be best, or you could decide to wait and hope baby is husbands. Which I'm sure he is. You won't be the first in this situation. Good luck!

I think you need to tell your DH the truth. This lie will be with you for the rest of your life, no matter what the outcome. It sounds like you at most made a terrible drunken mistake and possibly were even assaulted/taken advantage of. If your DH is a good man maybe you can come together on this. It's quite possibly your DHs baby. If it isn't, you deal with that together.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It's horrific for you and the costs are high no matter what way you go.

Definitely look into the DNA testing.

I think you should tell your dh you think you were raped, explain what you know and that you can't remember what happened and tell him that you are worried the baby might not be his. This is all true. I imagine your dh will be horrified and may want to take legal action and if you don't that will be hard for him to comprehend, perhaps, and it won't be an easy path after that conversation but at least you'll have shared the truth and can try to move forward together in some way.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and absolutely agree with previous posters that you have been raped. I think it's too much for you to bear on your own, and having a termination in secret will only leave you in a more isolated position which could lead to you becoming seriously depressed. For the sake of your mental health and for your existing children, you need to seek some support IRL.

Can you access counselling or psychotherapy? Failing that, can you talk to a friend or family member who won't judge you? Ideally you need some relatively objective help to get your head around the idea that you are not to blame for the situation you're in. I do think that coming clean to your DH is your best hope for recovering from this and keeping your family together, but if you do it in the state of mind you're in now, your feelings of guilt and self-blame might obscure the fact that you were raped and did not willingly betray him.

Take care of yourself -- I hope you find the support you deserve.

I would never have expected to be forgiven and actually helped by my husband. I was entirely convinced our family life was ruined. But it wasn't. Give your husband the chance and then you will have a clear conscience and won't have a lifetime of keeping an awful secret. I'll probably report my posts as it's a bit identifying

I see where you are coming from, but it is common for rape victims to feel that they have to lie to cope with what has happened to them, and to cover it up, in the hope it might go away. The pregnancy just adds to that. So I can understand exactly why the OP has lied and wants to continue the deception, and moreover, there should be absolutely NO victim blaming in this thread of any kind. I do agree with you though, that the lie is not helpful. The question is how we can support the OP in untangling this in a way that is as least terrifying for her as possible.
I agree that lying is not going to help anybody in this situation, not long term. Having a termination and concocting a miscarriage is somewhat taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut, when really, what needs to happen is the victim needs to confide in her husband what has happened.
Also, OP, if you are worried that people would say 'she was drunk and flirting, it can't be rape'- it sounds to me that there will be plenty of witnesses who could testify that you were too drunk to stand, including your taxi driver who I imagine could be traced easily enough through the records of the taxi company.

I guess, if you don't feel able to divulge the rape, you go ahead with the pregnancy, as it is almost certainly your husband's child anyway?

I feel that the burden of terminating and lying about that will cause you untold grief and mental health problems down the line x

You've been raped, love.

Tell your husband.

In your shoes I would convince myself the baby is dh's and forget all about any worries.

Your dh probably is the father and will certainly be the babies dad.

Fucking hell.thats rape.go to the police.you did not consent

Then take it to the grave....

You poor poor worm..have no friend who could go to the police with you..this is awful ,what a bastard .do you know him? Or was he some random man...

You were raped.
A decent man would not have slept with you in that condition, no matter how much he thought you had 'signalled' you wanted it earlier. A rapist would.
You feel you are to blame for being raped. No, the rapist is to blame. Yes, you made a mistake, the mistake being getting very very drunk. That's not nice. But that doesn't make you to be to blame for being raped.

You made a mistake, getting very very drunk. If you told your husband that (that you got totally pissed) - would he leave you over that? I suppose not, seeing as it was out of character.

You were raped. If you had been raped by a stranger in a dark alley, and told your husband that, do you honestly think he would leave you for being a victim of a rapist?

Two things happened.
One you are to blame for - getting that drunk is not nice, you chose to do that, you shouldn't have. But getting very drunk is not consenting to sex. As bad as it is, women should be allowed to get drunk without having to fear that someone will rape them as a consequence.
The other you are not to blame for. Being drunk does not make the victim guilty of being raped. Being flirty does not make you guilty for being raped. It's the rapist who caused the rape to happen, not your actions (getting drunk, being flirty).

That's one of the reasons why rapists get away with it. Because victims blame themselves and don't tell anyone.

Please talk to your husband. If he is a decent man at all, he won't blame you for being raped. He may blame you for getting too drunk but he will probably forgive you for that.

If you do not talk to him, chances are that this rape will continue to hurt you and your family in many ways, now and for years to come.

Please do not let the rape that happened to you, that you did NOT choose, continue to destroy your life. Take back control - don't let the rape control all your future actions and choices, don't let it make you deceive your husband and family, don't let it make you into a person you're not.

Seeing as you blame yourself for being raped, you probably expect your husband to blame you too. I hope he will surprise you. Maybe when you tell him (perhaps write it down?) start off by saying 'there are two things I need to tell you. One, I was raped. I have been really struggling with it all and blaming myself for it, which is why I haven't told you earlier. But now with being pregnant, it's all falling apart, I need your help and support to get through this. It is likely that the baby is yours but there is a small chance it's the rapist's and it's tearing me apart. Two, I was very very drunk that night, the night that the rape happened. That's part of the reason why I have been blaming myself for it. I am very sorry for letting myself become so drunk, and unfortunately someone took advantage of me being so incapacitated and now it is having effects down the line on all of us. I have been blaming myself for it for weeks. But I have now realised that however bad I feel about it, it is not my fault that someone took advantage of me being so drunk and raped me. I hope you can forgive me for becoming so drunk, and I hope you will not blame me for being raped.'

Sorry..fucking I pad....woman ,not worm .so sorry

Oh Lordy, how awful, terrible situation to be in you poor thing.

I too think you were raped

How do you think your DH would react to you being raped, and things spiralling from there? That's quite a different thing from had a one night stand and have lied ever since.

But I can understand his own emotional response may be about the hurt of the baby maybe not being his and the feeling of that being taken away from him.

Could you tell him and then arrange to give him a few days space before he discusses it with you? I'd worry that some words can't be taken
Back and if he reacted off his own immediate feelings it might go badly. But I'd hope after some thought he'd realise that what happened to you was awful, not just what has happened to himself?

It's so difficult

Hi Hara, you poor love, you must be in emotional turmoil.
You need to speak to someone, face to face, a lady GP maybe, so strictly confidential. You need to know all the ins and outs, and possibilities of the baby being your DHs, before you make any decisions.
I too, can't see how you could have given your consent, however, you need some peace of mind, please seek non judgemental advice. 💐