I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

Oh OP

I feel for you, I really do. I hope there is someone in RL you can confide in and lean on.

Lean on us here too

I am so sorry for your troubles, OP. I think you are doing the best thing. I wish you lots of luck.

Your colleagues may have just put two and two together, with the flirting earlier, and leaving together, fact is, they don't know anything, even if he has told them. Head high sweetheart, front it out, nothing fucking happened that night.

I'm wishing you all the strength in the world for what comes after your termination, in a year's time, this will be an awful, sad memory, but you will move on and be ok.

Is there anyone at all you can confide in with confidence?

Good luck love

Thanks all. He said he never said anything to anyone at work, I think they are mostly just joking/fishing for information. For the last three Christmas parties he has slept with a different girl from work each year (consentually and happily from what I can tell) and there was so much 'banter' about whether he could do four years in a row, so I think everyone is just trying to wind me/us up. Lots of emails with "I FOURmally invite you..." etc. He's not denying it publically when the jokes happen, but I was sick and had fallen over lots when everyone was still in the club, which they all saw, so I said "errrr I had puke all over me and don't remember a thing, so if we had sex that's certainly news to me" originally, and now I'm just saying "it's not funny, jokes like this could ruin my marriage" and all but the top "offenders" have stopped. A baby coming at a freakishly similar conception time could bring everything back up again, it just can't happen.

I have so many lovely people around me IRL. A wonderful sister who I tell everything to, amazing friends, fantastic parents. But because DH told everyone I was pregnant, they are all so excited for this baby, and if I told any of them what happened, they would have to know about how I plan to terminate and fake a miscarriage, which I think is pretty much the lowest thing a person could ever do. They would see me lie convincingly about my miscarriage and watch as I got sympathy for something I had knowingly done. I can't do it, can't tell anyone IRL. A secret can only stay a secret if no one else knows. I will speak to a counsellor, and I'll come back to MN if I need help. Thanks all, though.

I think that's the best decision in the circumstances. But it sounds tough. I hope you're ok.

Yes, you're probably right x

In your shoes I'd terminate and call it a miscarriage.
I can't see any other way.

I'd probabaly play things differently but will get battered if dare mention it.

Op I just wanted to say I hope your ok and for what its worth I think you are doing the right thing. Put this whole thing behind you and be happy with your family.

I hope you're ok, OP.

Get some counselling so you'll have someone to talk to IRL. They won't tell anyone that could destroy your life. Your decision is completely understandable under the circumstances. Don't judge yourself harshly.

OP I have nothing helpful to add but just wanted to say you are so unbelievably brave and strong. Best of luck and please take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

OP I have tried to imagine myself in your shoes and keep coming back to how utterly awful this whole episode must be for you. We have periods of time in our lives that are very difficult - traumatic even - and sometimes its hard to see how life will ever feel better again. It will. In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself and know that lots of people are thinking of you.

Best decision.
It's perfectly possible to keep big secrets forever and be fine.
I know from experience

Op, my heart is breaking for you ..Please take care of yourself. We are here if you need to talk.

How completely and utterly awful. Of course the guy shouldn't have had sex with you. But you can't change that now.

I understand you can't risk the baby not being your husband's. I think you should find out if there's a way of checking this.

If there isn't, I think ultimately it is safer for all to terminate. In which case I think it defeats the object if you tell your husband. I think you should give him and the family a reasonable truth to live with - it was a chemical pregnancy and didn't make it. End of. Some tears. Then get pregnant with your husband as soon as possible.

I am so, so sorry. What a terrible situation. I hope they can somehow check it, and I hope it's your husband's. I think there's the strongest chance it's his, which is what makes this in some ways much more difficult.

Or you have the baby, and trust to luck. It will probably all come out in the wash, but there's more than a 50% chance that the baby will be yours and your husband's and then this nightmare will be forgotten.

If you privately check the baby when born and it is the other guy's then ... I don't know. You'll only know how you feel when you are in that situation.

I'm very very anti termination, but you have your other children to protect. Only you can choose. I'd probably have the baby, but you may not be able to cope with that uncertainty.

Good luck and I'm so sorry - but I'm sure you'll choose what's right for your children, all of them.

Best of luck op. You're making the best decision for you and your family. You will get through this. Take care of yourself.

Thinking of you OP. What a truly stressful traumatic experience. FWIW I'd do exactly the same in your position. It's not an easy decision to make but in the circumstances it's the one with the least damage I think.

Life can really be shit sometimes. I'm sure we have all been through some truly rubbish times when you just feel like life is too bad to ever be good again. But it will and you'll be able to forget about this for the most part. Just remember you are certainly not in the wrong

they would have to know about how I plan to terminate and fake a miscarriage, which I think is pretty much the lowest thing a person could ever do.

NO. That wouldn't even make the top 100 of the lowest things a person could ever do. Please do not beat yourself up. Someone took advantage of your drunkenness, he raped you and he didn't use any protection so left you to deal with all the consequences. He did this. You are the survivor of what he did to you and you are dealing with the aftermath in the best way possible. Ideally you should be able to confide in your husband, but again it's not your fault that you can't.

I am so sorry OP, truly.

Please make sure you have some counselling. You are a good person who has been subjected to shitty circumstances.

Horrendous chain of events.

Wishing peace and calm for you OP

OP I hope the appointment goes ok and like others have said, you may have to keep it secret IRL but do lean on us here x

FWIW I also think you're making the right decision. Good luck with it.

Please stop beating yourself up, you're a victim here, it's just a shame your DH has such a black and white view on things. You deserve sympathy and support. I've never been in this situation but it goes without saying you're going to feel bad, but you really shouldn't. Your colleague should thank his lucky stars he's not getting charged with a heinous crime. We're all here for you. xxx

How did you get on, OP?