I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

Can you go to a rape crisis centre and talk it through with them. It seems like you need some clarity on what happened that night.

I mean you threw up over yourself in the taxi? Do you know how you got cleaned up after that.
I should imagine the smell was gross. What did you wear Afterwards?
Did he have sex with you in your smelly outfit?
How did you get home?

There's so many unanswered questions.

Are you sure you even had sex with him?

Could something have been slipped in your drink?
These are all questions I'd want to explore first.
Who is this man? How honest and trustworthy is he? Is he having a wicked joke with you?
He should have taken you home and handed you over to your husband not take you to his lair and have sex with a smelly drunk. Where's the pleasure in that?

Do you see what I'm saying?
I'd want answers to all these questions before moving onto what to do because at the moment you're probably having a knee jerk reaction.

I think when you've done that you then need to talk to your husband. He's going to have all the strong emotions anger, distress, grief. He's probably going to want to punch the mans lights out.
Might be a good idea to speak to him in the presence of the counsellor after you've had your initial counselling on your own to help contain his emotions.

What about this other man? You say you've had no contact with him ? What's his moral character like? Is he the office Romeo?
Is he normally a decent man. Is he a sex pest.
I'm not asking you to reveal all here but these are questions you need answers for .
You're in panic mode now and you need to speak to a counsellor to help you decide on the way forward when you have a cool, clear head on you.

Horrible situation op. Good luck with it.

FFS I cannot believe that there are still people who thinks that a woman who is obviously incapacitated is 'asking for it'.

OP - you were raped and if your husband had such a misogynistic attitude towards the issue of consent then I'd be seriously considering LTB.

I'm so sorry you are in this position but this really isn't your fault - you were sick in the cab, FFS. No decent man would think what the OM did was ok.

I don't blame you for lying thus far - you have a husband who thinks 'consent' is a joke, you have an OM who has obviously given you the impression that he did nothing wrong (but of course because it's in his interests for you to think that) and you're par of a society where the media and many people in general just love to tear women to shreds to protect the poor, poor menz who think this kind of behaviour is ok.

Think long and hard about whether YOU want this baby or not, please speak to your GP/the midwife/rape crisis hotline and then go from there.

You are being very brave OP. You know your husband and his likely attitude to the situation. You yourself do not necessarily believe you were raped, so probably it is u helpful for us all the keep telling you you have been raped and drown out your voice, or your experience.

If you feel like a termination is the best option I think it would help to take a look into the counselling available. The miscarriage lie may well be difficult, but as you know, people quickly forget, and if you plan to have another child that will be the focus.

I would suggest you also get tested just to make sure you haven't picked up any nasty bugs. What's done is done, try not to beat yourself up over it.

I wish you lots of luck

oh dear, what a mess

not your fault though, you were taken advantage of

It does sound like you're surrounded by awful men OP, I'm so sorry.

Think about yourself and what you want to do. The plan you laid out in your OP does seem to be the only way you can continue with your life as it is. But if you proceed with that, definitely arrange some counselling afterwards.

What an awful situation. I fear that it will cause even more anguish if you went through with a termination, I really would strongly advice against it. What you've gone through is already very difficult.

I feel really sorry for you.

Fwiw I would do what you are planning to do x

Op it doesn't matter one bit of you flirted with the guy beforehand.

You were raped sweetheart.

Maybe your dh would surprise you and be more understanding than you think? It's a terrible position to be in, I'm so sorry.

And for those of you giving her a hard time, take a fucking look at yourselves and get the fuck out of this thread. Shame on you.

Your account of what happened certainly indicates that this man raped you.

However, I think your behaviour on that night and since - while in no way absolving the rapist of guilt - is a betrayal of your husband. If you cannot live with the guilt of bearing child that might not be your husband's, you will have to have to confess and take the risk that this will end your marriage.

How did you get home after the rape? Did you remain with this man until the following morning? If so, where did your husband think you were?

If you went home straight after the rape, how did you get home? Were you in a fit state to make your own way, or did the rapist have to call a taxi? What did your husband do when you returned? Did he have to help you into the house, or were you able to make your own way?

If your husband was witness to your incapacity that night he might be more sympathetic, because it will have been evident that you were not in a fit state to consent to having sex.

What sort of state was the man in? Was he drunk too? He could be considerably less inebriated than you and still not able to perform. Semi-conscious and covered in sick, you cannot have been that alluring, however lovely you looked at the start of the night.

Were there any physical signs that this man had sex with you? If not, it is likely that either you did not have sex with him, or he used a barrier method of contraception. Either way, you are not pregnant by him. If that is the case - and you feel you can take this secret to the grave - have your much wanted baby and put this horrible experience behind you.

Good luck.

Honeybee I don't think that's a particularly great post if I'm honest. Sounds a bit victim blaming. And people don't all react to situations the same way.

Are you absolutely sure this man had sex on you?

What do you think would happen if you told him you were pregnant? - would he deny it happened, say he wanted nothing to do with it or support you?

Good luck HaraKiri its sounds like a shit situation that you cant win, but I do wish you all the best x

Bloody hell OP- you poor thing.

I echo the pp of that is rape. I don't know ANY of my male mates who would take a girl home who was so drunk she vomited on herself & had to be carried upstairs (& 2 of them are "lads"). The 2 taxi drivers I know (both male) would also ask a girl in that state if she was ok & did she want to go home (but that's not the issue here).

100% you need councilling & support. I hope whichever decision you make that you are helped every step of the way. I know lots of people said you should tell your DH but you know him better than we do & if you think he wont accept it or won't be sympathetic to what happened to you then so be it.

I think a DNA test is a good idea- you get swabs to collect paternal DNA- you could use OH toothbrush to collect it, or a cup the OM drinks from (if he's at work).

Lots of hugs, look after yourself xx

I see no option but termination and say it was a miscarriage. Otherwise you spend the rest of your life knowing and gearing. There could be genetic issues that need sorting,...nah, couldnt do it. But we are all different.

And yes, it was rape and the man is despicable.

I agree with pp about being in panic mode right now

Something very similar happened to me, but without the pregnancy (!) and it was still incredibly stressful. But 11 years later I still regret my actions immediately after the event - I apologised to HIM for being so drunk, I minimised his behaviour, blamed myself and wore a cloak of shame for years and never told a soul.

It was only 3-4 years later that I was able to go back over the event rationally and understand what had actually happened and how his behaviour was so very wrong and I had not done what I thought I had done (lead him on etc.)

I am only saying this because I remember clearly that at the time the devastating shame I was experiencing did not allow me to make good decisions and now I have spoken about it with people, no-one has ever judged that as being my fault, pretty much like everyone on here is saying to you.

And these types of events leave a lasting legacy, I know this is triggering for me now, 11 bloody years later.

The shame paralyses us. And I understand exactly why you are doing what you are doing, I just know from experience that it doesn't mean the end of it.

Yes, I wish you the strength to tell your dh, whatever the consequences, because that is the only way for this to be closed off. But of course, you are the same as me and probably most people under these circumstances - just imperfect humans trying to keep some peace.

Hope you get some resolution, sometimes not making a decision either way is worse, than deciding what to do and acting on it.

Apart from my sadness if I hadn't told anyone and then had had a termination no one would have been any the wiser, it depends what you can live with.

i hope i don't know any blokes that would have sex with someone so drunk she'd vomited and couldn't get upstairs either. What a terrible situation op. TBH I'd come clean, take the fall out and keep the baby and hold my head up. I don't disagree with what you're planning to do morally, but I think you'll find that walk very hard to walk and you'll crack and it'll unravel anyway and torment you for years. I think whichever lies you tell, eventually you'll find it too hard to carry on with them. So sorry for you.

I don't think carrying a massive secret around and to your grave is the way to go.

PLEASE value yourself starting right now. Find a good BACP counsellor and book an appointment right now. You cannot carry this shit without serious repercussions for your own health.

OP, I x-posted with you but your last update hasn't changed my mind.

Yes - in your position, if I didn't want to end my relationship, I would do as you've said: quietly terminate and take the secret to my grave. Use counselling to get yourself through it, knowing that you need to do so on your own. Do not feel ashamed. Understand that this was not your fault and, as iremember says, we are none of us perfect.

But I wouldn't be/stay with a man with your DH's views on consent. I also think he's behaved very badly sharing the news without your agreement. Something for you to think about once you're out of the woods.

I can see why you are making the decision you're making.

While there is no doubt that you weren't in any fit state to give consent, I imagine that from your DH's oint of view you were out flirting with this man prior to anything else that happened, and that alone may give him reason to end the relationship. Certainly if a woman came on here saying that her husband was out flirting openly with and coming on to other women while out the chorus of LTB would obliterate everything else.

Certainly I don't think you are to blame for what happened, but from an explanation to your DH' point of view I can see how he may not see it that way. .

FWIW I would likely do the same as you, however do try to seek some independent counselling to help you through it.

Back to say that yes, what Ouriana said: consent does have to be given or implied.

Being drunk enough to throw up on yourself and unable to walk unassisted is a clear indication of being unable to consent.

Obviously you know your husband best and you mentioned his views on consent... but has your husband ever got drunk himself? If so, and if someone had carried him into their house and assaulted him, would that have been his fault? Or would it be the fault of the sicko who saw a helpless person and abused them?

Completely agree that this sounds like rape. You couldn't consent. No man worthy of the name would have sex with a woman who was in that state. It sounds like you hardly knew where you were.

Speak to Rape Crisis. They may be able to advise on how to have the conversation with your DH.

And to echo what others have said: this isn't your fault. This. Isn't. Your. Fault.

I'd find it a hell of a lot easier to keep a lie to myself rather than risk the break up of my family and having to raise a baby who was conceived through rape. You'd have to be a very strong individual to do that - even rabid pro-lifers usually make an exception for rape.

Oh and also re. the Ched Evans thing: karma is NOT biting you. a) there's no such thing and b) please stop blaming yourself.

I'd estimate that a majority of people are extraordinarily poorly educated about consent and took similar views of the Evans case. It doesn't make anyone a bad person - just uninformed. Your DH, if he's a good man, might well see it differently now that it's hitting closer to home.

I totally agree with everyone else here - theres no way you could have consented. It is rape. Absolute scumbag.

My own OH couldnt have sex with me if I was so drunk Id just vomited so the guy who did this is an absolute scumbag. I hope he loses his penis in a freak accident with a tin opener.

But I totally agree with if you had the baby and it isnt your OH's your entire family will be destroyed. I cant see any other way out but a termination and say it was a miscarriage.

I think not being pregnant right now would at least allow you to draw a line under what happened and move on.

The alternative is having the baby, it being OM's and having to love that child every day of your life, despite what upheaval their arrival has caused.

Not just that but if OM hears about it yes he could spill the beans but also want contact with this child and you would have to be involved with his until the child is at least 18 years old. Do you want that?

Id be taking the lifeline whilst you still can. And get some counselling afterwards.