I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

Take care op.

Best of luck op

Take care OP

Good luck OP, take care of yourself.

OP, I think that's the only decision you can reasonably make. For those of us who aren't implacably opposed to termination, it is a good and brave decision, and will undoubtedly be best for your husband and existing children. Even if you the circumstances had been clearer and you had told your husband immediately, I can't see why he or you would want to add a fourth child from an unknown father to an already large brood of very small children.

Did you even want another child? Many women with three children under four would consider a termination even if the baby was most definitely their husband's! I know there is no way on earth I could cope happily with four pre-school age children. (Not that this looks remotely likely...)

The medical abortion is a lot like a miscarriage. Miscarriage is sometimes referred to in a technical way as abortion, too, which is painful for those undergoing the losses of very wanted pregnancies -- but, of course, abortion is also a painful loss. Once it is underway I don't think you will feel that you are lying.

I would also look into getting some good counselling/ therapy afterwards. You need to make absolutely sure that you never tell anyone in RL what has happened: that is the only way to keep the secret. But it might be good to talk to someone about it, and more generally about your own behaviour?

It does sound as if you were very drunk. I am not one to be sanctimonious about that, but would be a good idea to reflect on why that happened, whether it's part of a larger pattern of problems with booze or impulse control, or maybe was a suboptimal way of dealing with stress you didn't really realise you had? In other words this is a horrible situation but I think there must have been some stuff going on beforehand. If you had been thinking straight you would presumably have taken the morning after pill the day after. No judgment about that either, but worth reflecting on why you didn't, what thoughts were going through your mind, and so on? Is it possibly the case that you do want another baby but hadn't fully admitted it to yourself?

hopsalong I really dont think this is the time to lecture the OP on drinking. Do you not think she has enough shit going on? You also seem to be implying this was her fault. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW DRUNK SHE WAS, THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME IS THE RAPIST. CLEAR?

Actually hopsalong your whole post is a car crash of inappropriate comments given the circumstances of the OP. I imagine you are a foot in mouth type person.

Bloody hell

As I said, not trying to be sanctimonious or judgmental at all. Several awful things have happened to me over the years that were in no way my own 'fault', but in processing the associated trauma/disaster, I've found it helpful to reflect on what I was doing/who I was with/what choices I was making when they happened. A therapist recommended this to me as an active way of taking charge of traumatic situations. Maybe not for everyone -- but was helpful for me.

Op. Hugs.

OP, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You were most definitely raped. There is no earthly way you were fit to give consent and your rapist knew that. He's lying when he says you said you were on the pill; why would you say that when you weren't? Bastard is just making excuses for not using protection.

I think, given that your husband doesn't sound like the sort of guy who would ever be supportive, you are doing the right thing

A couple of people have said that you will feel awful guilt if you do have a termination; please don't. Because none of this, the rape, termination is your fault. You have not put yourself through this; he has put you through this.

In a better world, you would report this, his sorry ass would be thrown in jail, your husband would be outraged on your behalf and be your shoulder to cry on, but it's not a better world, unfortunately. [Sad]

Do you have anyone in RL, a friend/sister/ cousin who could help you through this?

This was rape; and the fact that you can't tell your husband this due to his views makes me sad :( my husband had similar opinions when that case came out and I made it very clear to him what a load of bollocks that was.

Good luck with everything OP, I hope your termination goes smoothly and that your attacker gets his karma.

Good luck, OP. Be kind to yourself.

Brave woman. So sorry you are in this place. Good luck.

I have read the thread and think your doing the right thing. You won't regret the termination as it's what you want as it's the best for you. Get it done get over it move on. A mistake has been made. Even if you did tell of the rape it wouldn't end there would it. It would just go on and on. I think I might have a private word with OM to tell him that you think you was so drunk you could no t have consented and if he did have sex with you you consider it possible rape. I bet he then changes his story. Good luck you will be ok and do not be hard on yourself

harakiri - I have never wanted to give a Mumsnet poster a hug so much as I want to give you one now. I wish I could hold your hand through all this.

I can tell, from your tone, how shit you feel right now. But I wanted to say something very personal which is this: to me, you seem like a heroine. An awful thing has happened to you that wasn't your fault - you were raped - and you are facing it with SUCH bravery, in isolation from real world help. This is one of those situations where it's just so desperately unjust and unfair that I want to scream, but you are is dealing with it wiht such strength that I am left in awe.

Moving on from this will be a process. And in that process, you may have some bad days. If they come too rapidly, counselling can really help. (I have a rape in my past, and my counsellor has been incredible in helping me to claw my way out of a world of cold fog and back into the light and colour of the world). But the main thing is that you absolutely WILL leave this behind - you will move on and have a lovely future.

Hand-holding for you. HaraKiri the heroine!

i agree with shove, good luck op, I'd have done the same for the same reasons. We'll be thinking of you.

Good luck OP, I would have done the same too.

I hope you can put it behind you and move on x

OP ......on a loop here but please get proper professional help.

sorry but that person has raped you and put it about your workplace?

I am not one to be sanctimonious about that, but would be a good idea to reflect on why that happened, whether it's part of a larger pattern of problems with booze or impulse control, or maybe was a suboptimal way of dealing with stress you didn't really realise you had?

No, she just went out and got pissed. What a way to over analyse!

sorry but that person has raped you and put it about your workplace?

I suspect that the OM doesn't consider that he raped her. If he thought he had, he would have told her the next day, that all he did was clean her up and put her to bed. And he wouldn't talk about it at work.

She ate pizza she doesn't remember, she drank tea she doesn't remember, she wrecked the shower curtain and doesn't remember. She could have appeared consenting without remembering. Nobody ever asks "do you consent", it's implied by our actions, so who knows if she was all over him and he went with it?

I, for one, don't think they had sex at all. She was covered in sick, and who would want to have sex with someone covered in sick? I think he's winding her up and acting Jack the Lad at work.

If he did have sex with her, and she was clearly very drunk, then he has taken a massive advantage, although who knows how totally pissed he was? He could have been just as drunk as her.

If this was me, I'd rather not think that I had been raped. It adds to the angst of the whole episode. I'd rather put it down to two people being pissed and making a huge mistake.

FWIW I also think you're making the right decision OP and I wish you all the best going forward.

However, the fact that you suspect people at work know about it must surely have come from the OM? In which case I would tell him in no uncertain terms to shut his mouth and only open it to DENY any rumours that he might hear. He really does sound like an utter scumbag.

OP I would do the same if in your position too. Im so sorry you are going through this. I hope it goes as it should as you are able to put this behind you.

I am so sad for you HaraKiri, but am virtually handholding you all the way my darling xxx