I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

Harakiri, I also think this sounds like rape. Could you perhaps book an appointment with a sympathetic GP and explain what has happened and get tested for stds? Are you a church goer? Do you have a sympathetic priest?

You need to tell your dh what happened to you. Yes you got drunk, yes you were flirting with the man but no you were not in a fit state to give consent. If you don't want to press charges (and I can totally understand why you wouldn't) explain that to your dh. Tell family members that you have miscarried if it's easier, otherwise tell them the truth, you have done nothing wrong.

for you op.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. It's a terribly unfair situation XXX

AyeAmarok, he was actually convicted on the evidence you describe at first instance. It was only overturned when new, additional, evidence came to light that pointed towards her actually consenting. (not that I thought the new evidence was up to much, but it did seem to contradict her account enough to pose as 'reasonable doubt')

Also, its not a pleasant thought but if you had unprotected sex you should get checked out for any STDs. Really speak to Rape Crisis sooner rather than later.

The facts as presented by the OP clearly fall under the the legal definition of rape. That's not the same as saying a jury would definitely convict, which none of us could ever guarantee and is an entirely separate question due to reasonable doubt etc.

People encouraging the OP to have the termination and keep the whole thing secret seem to me to be vastly underestimating the terrible harm that shame and grief can do if kept hidden and not processed.

www.prenatalpaternitiesinc.co.uk/

What a horrendous situation, OP. I really feel like a heel giving you this advice but if I were you, I would either lie, get the termination and then say it was a miscarriage, or I would go ahead with the pregnancy and risk the outcome that the baby isn't my DH's. I can't honestly tell you that I would report this to the police and tell my DH the baby might be someone else's (although it is probably fair to say you were raped, it is not going to be as simple as that in real life and everyone here knows it). I wish I could give you that advice, but I think I would be advising you to be braver and more naive than I am myself.

manatee, I agree re juries being unpredictable, which is why I said I didn't think a judge would direct a jury that it wasn't rape if all of these facts were held to be true. Quite agree that juries often go off and do their own thing regardless.

My concern is that the OP feels such shame at this, it is clouding her ability to think it through rationally.

I hope that she is speaking to rape crisis or another organistaion which can get her some urgent counselling.

Oh I know City, but the new evidence was nonsense and the whole second trial actually made it sound even more like rape (the fact she didn't know him, he broke into her hotel room, didn't speak to her before or after etc), and yet they still couldn't say guilty beyond all reasonable doubt. In light of that, I truly don't think a jury would say guilty, even though he (OP's rapist) clearly is. If I was OP, I wouldn't want to go through all that to be kicked in the teeth by the jury. That's all I'm saying.

I echo the others that its rape. I wish one of us had the right answers for you, but sadly I think this is a case of doing what you feel you can live with in the long run. Be that telling your DH and the risk that entails, or terminating the pregnancy and keeping it a secret. No advise OP but lots of hugs and . :(

I think telling your husband and reporting the rape is the most sensible thing to do.

However I am aware that life isn't black and white.

Needless to say, your situation sounds horrific.

Oh op, I want to add to the voices here saying you haven't done an awful thing, you haven't had an affair, you haven't cheated on your husband. You were raped.
I'm so sorry this has happened and you don't feel your husband would support you through this.
Better people than me have given some great advice, I hope you can speak to rape crisis and get some advice xx

I had a termination in 2015 after stupidly getting back with my ex and being utterly ashamed and was scared to death of the shame on my family. The termination was the bigger mistake and it's my worst regret of my life. And I'm certain it will be yours. Despite whether this child is the result of the other man or your husband, that baby is YOUR BABY. Please don't do it.
You need to tell your husband you were raped. Because legally you WERE raped. You have to tell your husband....and then you can both make the decision together. And if you decide to keep the baby as I suspect you probably will do, you can do a DNA test. If you and your husband had sex on your fertile days, there's a much bigger chance that the baby is his. And that fact will eat you up for the rest of your life if you terminate. I'm honestly not trying to make you feel guilty but I've lived through and are still living through that utter regret at losing a baby I so truly wanted....... And not only will you regret the termination but you will feel guilt over the lie for the rest of your life as well.
What that man did to you was rape. As you say, you were in no fit state to consent and this man would have been able to see that. He took advantage of you. And that struck me as soon as I read that you were blind drunk and then slept with him. No man would EVER sleep with a woman that was too wasted to possibly remember any of it the next day. That is RAPE. Fact.
Please put yourself out of your utter misery and share what happened with your husband....

You were raped. Your body was used by this man for his enjoyment when you weren't able to give consent, and he took full advantage of you and the situation and showed intent when he took you to his home and got help to carry you upstairs. Sweetie, you don't even know if you were awake or conscious at the time, how can this be your fault? What are we supposed to do, lock ourselves into chastity belts before we order at the bar? I admit I wondered too if he slipped anything into your drink.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

No advice on what to do as I think you need professional counselling and to feel able to make the best choice for you and what you feel able to cope with, but this was not your fault.

I will probably get flamed for this, but
Your husband and others may have a hard time believing your version if you came clean. Your only thinking of telling him because you are now pregnant. Your husband and others could see this as a cop out, And trying to save your marriage.

For others saying the book will be thrown at the OM.
Look at these points that defense could easily use

• has only came forward because of a pregnancy therefore her Husband found out about the "affair"

• witness from the night out could point out how she was flirting/dancing with him most of the night

• the taxi driver in the statement could easily say she was all over the OM in the taxi

• he claimed she said she was on the pill so no protection needed. She claims she doesn't remember giving consent. So basically your word vs his.

Too put it bluntly you would be made out to be a wife who has been caught out in cheating and trying to save your skin. It's happened before.

Obviously I'm not saying your lying but just look at how this could be viewed from your husband and others.

You can get a DNA test whilst pregnant, I wouldn't take the advice a few pages back about bribing him with police if OM refuses. That wouldn't go in your favour if you did go to press charges.

Please do not make any panic decisions.

When you are considering terminating, do take into account that you may be aborting DH's baby, that you may not be able to conceive again, and that it won't make it all go away. It may even still all come to light.

This rape has the potential to destroy your family. Terminating your pregnancy may decrease this risk, but won't eliminate it.

It is a shitty situation (which is not your fault) and I agree with PP that only you can decide what is for the best.
But it is not your fault.

OP, you were raped. I think you need to tell your husband. It really wasn't your fault.

I'm so sorry, what a desperately awful situation to be in :-(

Having a quick Google on that paternity testing company after noticing several spelling mistakes on their website and no reviews on the review section. Found a review site with two bad reviews. dnatestingchoice.com/prenatal-paternity-testing/provider/prenatal-paternities/3333

If you do decide on testing, please make sure you find a reputable company.

Am so sorry you're in this situation.

You poor, poor thing. I don't have advice, just handholding and a message that I don't think this was your 'fault' and I don't think you ought to feel nearly so bad about yourself as you currently do. Also, I don't think there is a right or a wrong in this situation - just a "right for you and your family" and a "wrong for you and your family"

Pollyperk EVEN IF SHE DID SAY YES, IF SHE WAS THAT DRUNK THEN SHE IS IN NO FIT STATE TO MAKE THAT DECISION WHICH IS LEGALLY CLASSED AS RAPE!!!!!

Thank you for those who posted the links for the prenatal testing, I think that might be my best bet, if really can test early. Marie Stopes can do a medical termination - taking the tablets, before 9 weeks only, and after that, it would have to be surgical. I couldn't bring myself to have a surgical termination, it seems to me like it's too much killing a very loved baby. But a medical termination seems more like taking some tablets and miscarrying as a result of that. Illogical, I know, but that's how I feel. if I can get genetic tests back before the 9 week window and then use that to "show" OM, that although the dates are similar it's not his so he won't ever say anything, then that might work. It's an option I hadn't considered, thanks.

Sorry OP that you're going through this - that's a horrible situation to be in.

One thing to think about if you terminate and don't tell your DH is whether there's a risk this might come out later - for example, because your husband attends a medical appointment with you when you DO get pregnant and it becomes relevant medically or ends up on your records.

If he's so enthusiastic about another baby that you weren't able to stop him from making you take a pregnancy test or from telling your families, it sounds like there's a good chance you wouldn't be able to stop him coming to your appointments either.

And what if there are any medical complications with the termination and he finds out? Plus, the OM might tell someone, even if you do have a termination, so it may still come out that he had sex with you regardless.

As devastating as it feels it would be to tell your husband the truth, I completely agree with PP that you didn't consent to sex and that it was rape and not your fault.

How you handle it now, however, IS in your control, and I think it would be far worse for your husband to find out later that you had a termination behind his back. Not least as you'd have to pretend to be grieving for a fake miscarriage - if you're close enough to be planning another child together, how are you going to pull that off?

What's happened so far is terrible but not your fault. Deciding to keep it all from your DH is the betrayal and you still have time to rectify that. You could always have the termination before you tell him the truth, but I don't think it's a good idea to pretend it was a miscarriage.

And FWIW, like KungFu posted, I don't think some of the posts are being rape apologists, they are being realistic. I would have never said it done anything, or said anything to my husband, if I hadn't found out I was pregnant. It screams "cheating wife regrets it" all over it.

I get that the sex bit wasn't my fault. But my actions earlier in the night - flirting, dancing, were innapropriate anyway, and I wouldn't have been in the situation I am now if I was sober that night and went home early instead of staying out drinking, and I do have to accept some responsibility that I'm not blameless and my own actions have put me here.

harakiri - I went with my friend to get the pills you speak of when she got pregnant, also in awful circumstances. You need to have someone with you for (I think?) 24 hours after, so think about your timing if you go down that route and how you can achieve that so you are safe. Whatever you decide, in my opinion you really do NOT deserve to feel the self-loathing that you are experiencing. To me, you sound like a thoroughly intelligent, moral, sweet person who is far more sinned against than sinning.

OP you were raped, I'm so sorry this has happened to you .

You do not have to report the rape - unless you want to.

You do not have to confide in your husband - unless you want to.

You do not have to have this baby - unless you want to.

You do not have to have a termination - unless you want to.

You are not in a place where there are right and wrong decisions, or good and bad ones, and I think you'll find it hard enough to decide what you do want to do without worrying about what you "owe" anyone else. Please, please find someone neutral to talk things through with though - rape crisis maybe? You will need, and do deserve, support in dealing with this.