I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

Report then Olympia

Troll huntings not allowed.

Olympia does have a point though. 🤔

We i kind of hope it is a story because as things stand she's pretty buggered what ever she does.
And i do think its too late to tell her husband. Looking down the barrel at being a single mum to 4 under 5's would come across to any spouse as a hell of a motive to lie.

Yes another one who hopes this is someone's dystopian creative writing exercise and not somebody's life.

OP I didn't want to pile this into the mix before but as someone else has mentioned: if you continue on the "keep secret to the grave" path you will need to think of a way to deal with the possibility of you having an STD and having slept with your DH. If you don't then fine. If you do, again, the later you leave it to talk to him, the worse it will be.

What if you have contracted a STD as well as a pregnancy from that encounter?
I assume you would not keep that secret from DH - he would need to be tested too, and would potentially need treatment.
(Or you could not tell him. Treat your own STD but find yourself re-infected by your untreated husband. Both of you getting very poorly and potentially dying, leaving your children without parents - all in the name of protecting your marriage. Right? No, didn't think so.)

So that's a possibility that would probably make you tell your DH what happened. I would make sure you have all STD test results in before you go for termination. So that if you DO end up having to tell him (due to having contracted a STD), you can do it BEFORE secretly having a termination and pretending it was a MC.

oh, x-posted, sorry.

Oh God, that's a thought!

OP, get tested for STIs. If you are positive for anything (unlikely, but not impossible), you are going to have to tell him.

If you don't have to tell him, then for God's sake DON'T say anything to him. Ever. And don't waste your time talking to the police either. I was raped by a stranger in an open-and-shut case and was still put through the wringer by the police. This guy sounds like a dirtbag, but an accusation of rape will not be taken seriously. That's harsh, but it's reality.

If you are dead set on getting a termination you could go for a medical one and when you start bleeding etc pretend you are miscarrying the pregnancy. In an ideal world you would tell all but tbh I can totally understand why you don't feel strong enough to do that. It was rape really, I am sure of that. But the fact is our justice system and society are fucked up. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I think there's a shocking lack of respect for the OP on this thread. This is a real woman, in an awful situation, who could do with support. It doesn't feel like people are really listening to what she's saying and what she feels she needs.

OP for what it's worth, the guy who carried you upstairs and had sex with you after you'd puked is an unspeakably awful human being. In an ideal world you could tell your husband what happened to you and you could support each other through this. But, if I didn't think my husband could handle the truth and I wanted to protect my relationship with him, I'd do what you're planning to. I would also feel the same about taking the pill being a bit like a miscarriage too, and would try to think of it like that.

I think you'll need more support than a thread on mumsnet though, arrange some long term weekly therapy. So you have somewhere safe to process all this.
Good luck.

I agree with Olympia on some level. As a happily married woman with young DCs myself, I wouldn't be getting pig-drunk, or if I did I'd be calling DH to collect me. What I wouldn't do is getting in a cab with some OM - how did that idea came about?

And do you really not remember a thing? It's never happened to me regardless of how drunk, not that it isn't possible.

If all you've posted is the truth then you should report to the police and take the STI tests. I would be so angry at this OM, I'd probably corner him to give him hell too!

Wannabe. You are spot on. There are two issues. If what the OP has reported is true, then she has certainly be raped. The issue of her behaviour leading up to it does NOT make her in any way responsible but it does reflect her disloyalty towards her husband that night which would be vilified if a married man had behaved in that way.

Sorry to read this Op, its a terrible situation. I haven't read all the replies, but I think you should tell your husband. Explain as Honeybee above has described, that you were a vulnerable victim, and no doubt he will be angry beyond velief, but ultimately he needs to help you deal with this. Once the shock has settled, you can both work through it together. Take care

If true I'd come clean

Watch out for your future safety and your DH's ....you could have passed on STD's

Don't have anymore DC

Olympia, report if you are concerned. Troll hunting when a woman is clearly distressed at the idea of terminating a much wanted baby and is clearly not in a fit mental state is pretty fucking low.

Thanks for the posts that have been helpful, particularly the Ines about early DNA testing, which I wasn't aware of.

No, I can't imagine DH being sympathetic. I have lied, and acted normally, for the past 5ish weeks, over Christmas and new year. I don't think we could ever recover from the fact I hid it from him and lied about it so convincingly, he would never trust me again.

On the night itself, I got the cab back with OM and some other people were going to follow to continue drinking, but apparently no cabs were coming later or something so they didn't end up coming.

While I have no memories of that part of the night at all, OM had said things after - we ate pizza, I smashed a mug of tea he gave me, I somehow pulled down his shower curtain when I went to the toilet. So while I don't remember consenting or don't believe I really had the capacity to do so, it doesn't sound like I was a comatose Zombie. I woke up at his around 6am and got a cab home. When I got home I threw my sick covered clothes in the washing basket and slept on the couch. DH woke up later and I said I didn't know what time I had got home because I had been so drunk, but that everyone had dropped me off in a cab, probably around 3/4am maybe. I had clearly been sick as there was still vomit in my tied back hair, and I told DH I had been sick at the club, in the cab etc and was generally mortified. He told me I was a dick but wasn't angry - I haven't been out drinking properly like that in 2/3 years, so I don't think I have any tolerance for alcohol anymore and it just sort of happened. I don't think my drink was spiked at all, I just drunk near-lethal amounts of alcohol. From what I can remember/what I have been told/pictures on fb, I drunk a bottle of wine, 2/3 cocktails, some prosecco and maybe like 4 shots. So it's unlikely my drink was spiked and more likely that my memory black out is due to the amount I drunk.

OP, you poor thing.

Have the termination, plead miscarriage, put it behind you.

It will be so hard, but give you all a chance of something better.

Every other option will be hard and have bleak outcomes all round.

Regardless of whether you were able to pull the shower curtain down - you did not consent to the sex, and thereby were raped

I mean, why did the OM rapist take you back to his house?

This is rape - and although you're blaming yourself that is so often indicative of a rape victim finding reasons it's their fault e.g. Dancing / flirting / drinking...it's still rape. None of that counts as consent. End of. I suggest like other have that you get counselling or contact Rape Crisis helpline to talk as this can really come back and bite you later.

I am speaking from experience where I was sexually abused and 9 years later I have had a baby and although I was the same as you (so similar!) my whole body has shut down - I've got a huge gynae and psychological problem which is apparently SO common in rape victims who haven't dealt with things and acknowledged and stashed it away. I know you will probably assume this is silly and not relevant - but please don't...our situations sound so similar so PLEASE get help now counselling wise as you don't know currently what you're suppressing.

Also - please be aware that having a termination could end up being found out. If it went wrong / you had an infection or something else there are complications that can happen with this procedure which could lead to your husband finding out. And then you're one HUGE step further into this lie than you would be if you owned up now.
Also - there's always a chance he'll find out as OM knows and may have told people (he isn't the most trustworthy character so I wouldn't trust him if he says he won't!) you just never know how these things can come up - even down to things like possibility of an STI let alone him letting it slip now, in weeks, in months, in years. You just don't know.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It is NOT your fault. But however you try and cover this up it could still be found out and you shouldn't have to live in fear of that for the rest of your life. It might be worth telling DH as the risks of him finding out later and the consequences of that could be even worse

I'm with SixthSenseless.

OP x

I hope you get to a solution that is right for you OP and you are able to find some peace and move on. Do what you have to do and please don't feel guilty, everyone makes mistakes and I don't believe the way to fix them is to hurt more people by telling the truth. Nobody is infallible!

Do you not remember any of what he's told you op? Not even vague recollections? I got exceptionally drug on my 18th, drank way more than you mention and I'm not usually a big drinker. My boyfriend took me home, the next morning the last thing I remembered was being in the nightclub. Throughout the next day as he and friends filled me in, I had some fleeting recollections of what had happened, for instance he said the taxi had to pullover for me to be sick and I had a memory of my boyfriend arguing with the driver about letting me back in the taxi, and I remembered him trying to get me to drink water and me refusing.
Despite how drunk I was, I still managed to walk, I'd made attempts to remove my makeup and I'd brushed my teeth. I was still too drunk to consent to sex and if my boyfriend had sex with me in that condition I'd have classed it as rape. He didn't he cleaned me up, undressed me and put me to bed.
I really don't know what I'd do in your position op!
Most definitely seek counselling and support for yourself though, whatever your decision I think you're going to have some issues that need resolving. I'm sorry you don't feel your husband would be supportive of the situation x