I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

I wasn't talking about court - I doubt very much the OP plans to prosecute. I may have missed it but I don't think she's mentioned that possibility.

I meant when she tells her husband.

MumBod: Fair enough. But by telling half a story she would be ruling out a prosecution, really. I would say whole truth or nothing...

OP you don't need anyone else telling you this was rape. Enough posters have already said it. For what it's worth though, I must add my voice to this.

You were raped.

No ifs, no buts, no blame but his.

I understand why it will be difficult and horrible to tell your DH, but he loves you and, although it will be hard for him to hear, for a number of reasons, ultimately he must put his feelings aside and support you. Allow him to do that for you and don't bear this alone.

I for one, don't think the Op's DH would be supportive.

Because surely, he is going to be agog that she didn't come through the door in tears after the Christmas do, telling him immediately that she'd been raped and dialing 999.

I agree with this and the rest of HuskyLover's post. It sounds like the OP's husband has a very "traditional" view of rape, and the circumstances here do not fit that. And unfortunately he's not alone- the justice system hasn't even caught up, nevermind joe bloggs.

To us enlightened MNers it's clear as day this was rape. But given what the OP has said it doesn't sound like he'd have been behind her if she'd told him in tears the next day, nevermind six weeks later because she's conceived and it might not be his. It's a big gamble coming clean now, not one you could be confident would come off.

If it were me I'd be having an abortion as quickly as possible in the (naive, probably) hope it would be less distressing and gearing up to some pretty intense counselling for the foreseeable future. The marriage and kids' home life would be more important to me than the (potential) baby. But that's me- if you feel you need to explore the prenatal testing or can't terminate then that's what you must do. I'm just so, so sorry you have to bear this and that the chance of you getting any justice is so slim stop blaming yourself.

Why should the OP even have to mention her drunken flirty dancing earlier in the evening? because this is as much about transparency and honesty within her marriage as what actually happened.

If she simply comes out and says she was raped he is going to want to know more. How did this come about? Why did she go back home with him? Etc etc, and then there's the added possibility that he might seek out the bloke (many would) and will then get the added information that "she was flirting with me all night." And not telling will raise more questions than answers.

As much as people want to believe it would be straightforward, telling her DH is never going to be as simple as just saying she was raped that night. Even the most understanding DH is going to have questions.

People are focusing entirely on telling the OP that she was raped. But there is far more to this which can't just be dismissed because of that fact. There is the fact she was drunk and flirting with whom so ever, not relevant in terms of what happened but definitely relevant wrt the fact that OP needs to curb her drinking when out, or that her DH may not feel comfortable about the fact that she becomes flirty with other men when out. There's the fact that the OP continued to have sex with her DH just days after the incident, and he is going to wonder how she could continue to sleep with him even though she believed she'd had sex with someone else. There's the fact that she fell pregnant and then booked an abortion in secret. There's the fact that, having been discovered to be pregnant she has continued with her plan to terminate the pregnancy but has now added the complication that she will pass it off as a miscarriage.

Yes the OP needs some support, preferably from a professional. But the above are all reasons why telling her DH really isn't something which is going to make everything better. In fact it has the potential to make things worse.

I think you're screwed whatever you do, sorry.
You're already feeling guilty so at some point it's going to come out-there is no way you're going to get this secret to your grave.
If you come clean I also doubt very much that your DH will believe you were raped, which from your description it seems you were-who the actual fuck has sex with a woman that incapacitated & covered in her own vomit???
Personally I'd come clean now, more because of the hurt it will cause your family when the truth of the 'miscarriage' comes out

OP I've read your posts but not all the replies.

Yes in your shoes I would feel some level of responsibility for what happened, be it flirting, kissing or whatever. There's no excuse for a man having non consensual sex obviously, but you don't say how far the preamble went, or whether you said no, or were simply out of it. So claims of rape by PPs maybe a stretch. But this is beside the point.

You asked about what to do next.

I think you've pretty much made up your mind to terminate without telling your OH, and I would probably do the same and try to forget the whole episode.

I have a friend who had an affair with a black guy, got pregnant and she and her husband, both white are raising her mixed race DD. It's a lovely outcome but I think it's rare.

You made a mistake, shit happens.

You actually can move on from this.

What the actual fuck? With views like pp's in the wells women really don't need any enemies. So fucking sad.

Do any of you saying it may not be rape have daughters?

And the LAW sees this as rape.

In the world not wells.

Op please don't listen to these people.

OP, just want to say regardless of how this thread is degenerating into a debate on consent, which I don't think is particularly helpful to you right now as you are clearly not able to see it in terms of rape right now, I am convinced that you need some counseling. Please talk it all through with someone from Marie Stopes before you go any further. They are professionals, they will have heard it all before, and I think you desperately need some non-judgemental advice and coping strategies whatever you decide to do. They really will help you figure out what is the best course for you. Huge hugs, I feel desperately sorry for you and I don't think you deserve to me in this horrible situation xxx

this is the problem with crimes that induce shame feelings though, people sit and reflect on them, blame themselves, worry about not being believed and this is exactly why it takes so long to come out, and then when one thinks of the way a character is put on trial, you can understand why so many sweep it under the carpet. Hope you're doing OK op

^be in this....

Yes sorry, I hate when people start bickering on threads where the op is already having a hard time. I just don't want her in any way to be feeling guilty on top of all the other shit that must be going through her mind.

OP is the man who did this to you someone that you have to see daily? Do you work with him?

This is the real world, as it is, maybe how we would like it to be . Think if you tell your husband your marriage will be over.

I'm so sorry to read this op. My heart goes out to you.
If you do go ahead with the termination and take the tablets, I'm worried that your husband will want to take you to hospital to find out if the baby is ok. How will you get round this? I'm sorry I'm not trying to stress you I'm thinking logically.

I'm surprised by how many people are saying you should lie.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't believe me if I said I'd been raped. If he breaks up with you over that, you haven't lost much.

OP I wanted to say that you are not to be ashamed - someone took advantage of you when you were vulnerable. That does not allow them to dictate your whole life. Have the abortion asap and move on - no guilt or shame required. Three children depend on you and you are making the best decision not to have an unplanned pregnancy regardless of who is the father. I don't know what health risk you might have if unprotected sex did happen - best get yourself checked out in that regard. I'd also be wary of that utter bollocks you work with. He may have made the whole thing up who knows but I would not put myself in his radar again. Don't tell him about your pregnancy do t give him any power over you. Wish you well - you are taking control things will work out fine

I hope that you have sought help OP, and have some direction, however small. Thinking of you. 💐

The law sees this as rape but trust me OP will get ripped apart in court over the other evidence...

I personally see it as rape but having worked for a solicitors where we occasionally dealt with crime but mostly civil lit etc cases trust me defence in the defendant's case would be all over the OP.

Not sure what I'd do re termination tho.

or whether you said no, or were simply out of it.

Huh? What difference does that make? No consent is no consent; 'no' isn't required for it to be rape.

Were you covered in sick when you were back in his flat? Did you stay the night? Get changed? Did you come back to your husband covered in sick-how did you get home? Sick stinks to high heaven-did your husband comment on it at the time?

I'm just trying to get a bit of background/
context.

Redlocks is asking valid questions.

If your husband remembers you coming home in such a state he is far more likely to be sympathetic. Did he attend to you? Help you up the stairs, put you to bed? Presumably he would remember such an incident. Has he ever spoken of it?

Perhaps you could raise it along the lines of 'Do you remember the night I came home in a terrible state, all covered in sick?' Put in that context he is more likely to see you as a vulnerable victim.

If I were him, I would be furious with your work colleagues who failed to see you home safely when you were so incapacitated.

OP I'd be thinking the same as you in this situation.

I have three under three and it is bloody stressful. I'd say i have also had occasions where I have unexpectedly drunk too much recently. It's just I was lucky and didn't have a predatory colleague who was taking me back to HIS house in that state rather than mine.

It was rape. I don't care if you fancied him for ages, had been leading him on, said stuff while you were drunk. The point is, you can't remember much and you regret it happened. You are hardly in affair mode.

Get the DNA test. If it's your DH's fantastic. If it's OM's, abort and get some support.