I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

Staggering around someone's house smashing mugs of tea and pulling down shower curtains is clearly incapacitated, OP. Please, please stop blaming yourself for this - it isn't your fault. The rapist (because he is a rapist) may honestly harbour the same thick views as a small minority of posters here and believe that a person who is conscious and not objecting is automatically consenting, or he may be just an idiot to whom it doesn't occur that he may be raping someone because being off your face and looking like you are consenting ISNT consent. Or he may be a predator who did it knowingly. It doesn't matter. He is responsible for his behaviour. You were raped.

You were raped OP. That's the bottom line. For your marriage to survive you need to tell your husband.

I've not read the whole thread, but I agree with your proposed course of action. Waiting to do an amniotic DNA test, means struggling through and not enjoying the pregnancy while you wait. There are also risks to the baby and it can't be done till you're further along.

Seek counselling now and after the 'miscarriage'. You need to do what's right for your family and an affair/ONS child is way too much a risk and the ramifications are far reaching.

This post actually made me cry for the situation you are in OP and for some of the unhelpful comments on this post. Unfortunately rape and victim blaming are all too common place and it's disgusting. Most of us assume rapes happen in a dark alleyway by some stranger with lots of violence and whilst this is the case in a few cases the majority of rapes are perpetrated by men the victim knows and trusts. The fact that we know and trust them causes so many victims to blame themselves when in fact it is the ultimate betrayal of trust. This man raped you when you were so drunk you were sick on yourself, this isn't an affair, he took advantage of the situation.

I really feel you need to talk to the rape crisis line and also get some abortion counselling. Burying this might seem easy now but often these things have a way of trying to break free.

With regards to you DH you didn't lie to him if you didn't know what happened, I don't think I could be with someone who didn't see this situation as truly awful and support me through it. You've been in shock and it's extremely confusing because you know and have to work with the guy who took advantage of you when you were vulnerable, that is a true predator.

Please seek help OP my thoughts are with you as this is truly heartbreaking xx

I would think that terminating this baby will only add to your feelings of guilt and will only increase the extent to which you are deceiving your OH, and create increased distance between you going forward. I understand your need t protect your family at huge cost to your own feelings but think you are being very very harsh on yourself OP. You may have drunk loads, danced and flirted, but in the end you were incapable of giving consent and this was rape. You were irresponsible in getting so drunk that you weren't able to look after yourself, but that is not a crime punishable by the death of a foetus that could well be the loved and planned for child of you and OH. I hope you can talk this through in RL with someone- call Samaritans- they will be only to happy to listen in confidence to you. I agree with views already expressed that although immensely stressful you could try telling OH everything now rather than living on with a burden of lies and guilt that will come between you. Wishing you much love.

What an awful situation to be in. I agree with others that you were raped. My gut feeling is to have the 'miscarriage' and try to move on but I honestly dont know if thats possible. Its such a huge thing but in all honesty it seems the lesser evil than telling your husband or pursuing the rape charge even though it feels wrong to say that.

This was rape. Please cannot rape crisis asap.

Your reaction to being raped was normal. You felt ashamed, you blamed yourself and you hid what happened. Many women would react in the same way.

Obviously the best way forward would be if you felt able to tell your husband so he can support you thorough deciding what to do next. Don't tell the 'om'. You'll be wondering for the rest of your life of he will tell your dh.

If you think that you can't trust your dh to believe you and support you, then in your situation I would terminate. I would not want to be wondering if this child had a different father for the rest of my life. If you do have a termination, you must ask for counselling. It would be easier to recover from the impact of a termination.

Sandy, it wasn't an affair or a ONS. It is so demeaning to the OP to say that. Also, there are other paternity testing options available to her which do not involve amnio.

I think the overwhelming message to the OP must be to et some professional confidential counselling on this urgently. this is TOO BIG for her to shoulder on her own, and we can only advise from a distance.

OP, if you are still here- I do hope you've managed to speak to somebody at one of the organisations people have recommended.
If this wasn't so glaringly obvious from your posts that you really want this baby if it is your H's, then I would be just telling you to 'miscarry', but I think you will be storing up years, decades even, of potential heartache for yourself and probably singing your marriage's death warrant because- far from saving it- a secret like this, and the stress of keeping that secret, have a good chance of destroying it.

I think if I was in your shoes my plan of action would be-

1. counselling, asap. In years to come I think you will realise that you were raped, even if right now your feelings are far too conflicted for you to accept this (which is so common with 'date rape' vicitms, and where alcohol is involved. We are programmed to feel shame/ 'the fear') . Even if you are not going to tell your husband hat happened you should still talk this through with a counsellor.
2. STI testing for you urgently
3. explore dna testing options.

good luck darling

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Similar thing happened to me when I was 17, thankfully I don't get pregnant though.

I never did anything about it, I was snogging him but I had no idea we'd had sex until he told me the next day. I felt sick and wanted to kill him. I also felt it was my fault. I now see it wasn't.

Keep posting and getting support

STI check urgently. Because that could change everything.

If that's okay then I agree with Sixth. Terminate and be done asap. The longer this drags out the worse it will be.

Get counselling to help you through it. I see your point about having kept it secret for so long that coming clean now would be difficult. There is no easy road here and it will be a hard secret to keep.

I feel so sorry for you, OP, I don't think you've done anything wrong at all re the night out, when you have a very rare chance to let your hair down it is normal to go a bit mad but i imagine the night would/should have panned out exactly as you told your DH and you would have come away with nothing but a nasty headache if it weren't for this colleague taking advantage.

I can't imagine how hard it is going to be for you to terminate having already been through a miscarriage. I really hope you can get the DNA test through to confirm it's your husbands.

If you do go with the termination route, have you thought about the logistics of what your husband is going to say if you start bleeding? I mean is he going to take you off to hospital and be there for any consultations? Is there a possibility you could get caught out with medical professionals asking questions etc? Forgive me for probing I just thought you should have a plan.

I hope it doesn't come to that though, as you have said it is a much wanted baby and let's face it, on paper it does seem far more likely to be your DH's.

How entangled is your life with the colleague? Would it be feasible to leave your job / cut all ties before your pregnancy becomes apparent, or are there too many mutual friends?

Do you want this baby? Do not get a termination if it's only to cover up what's happened. Have your baby, tell your dh what happened and if he's any kind of man he will support you.

Hope you are ok today op. Are you aware of the logistics of a medical termination? Are you planning to pay for it privately or NHS?

In my area the NHS route is painfully slow, two weeks from seeing GP to get an appointment for an initial consultation (which for me would be a 20 mile journey to the nearest city), followed by another week or so wait for the first appointment for the tablet (again, for me, a 30 mile trip to a different city) and then the same the next day for the pessary. So not all that easy to pop off and do covertly. The private route would be quicker but would still mean the two trips on consecutive days. Plus the expense. Obviously all areas operate differently but this is the experience of someone I know in my area.

It's also worth saying I think that not all terminations result in years of guilt and grief. Many women do what they feel is the right thing for them and their families at the time and, although they may feel upset and find it hard, they move on.

I hope you come to a decision soon - and get the ball rolling for the termination if that's what you decide

Sorry I missed your last post. If you really think your dh won't support you, you need to accept it. I really don't think living a lie is going to be any better than telling the truth and facing the fall out. What a horrible situation

You don't need telling again what the circumstances that occurred are, but I feel heartbroken for you that you feel, well even if I was passed out my earlier actions give him the green light. They really don't, any woman covered in vomit & unable to walk should be cared for. Sex shouldn't have even entered his mind.

It's something we need to teach our DS & DD, later in life. DD if a friend is that drunk, make sure she gets home safe. DS if a woman flirting with you gets in this state you can't expect consent, you should be a gentleman, help her get clean, put her in your bed if to look after her, but no sex.

I understand that ultimately thoughts go to what a barrister would do to you. You're afraid of public humiliation or at least humiliation at work.

The only problem I can see with DNA route is you'll have to use DC DNA or the OM could kick up a fuss it's his baby & he doesn't want a termination, potentially opening a can of worms where he tells others, your DH finds out.

I feel heartbroken you can't even talk to DH about this. Because of his feelings about Ched Evans. It's a huge burden to carry with you, people will notice you're on edge and not happy, what then?

Could you at least not confide in DP or BF about what happened. It's ok having support here, but you need support in real life too. It's a big burden to carry solely on your own. Even if DNA proves baby is DH's, what's to say OM won't kick up a fuss wanting a Jeremy Kyle style affair, as he's obviously a guy that gets what he wants. He'll play the hard done by victim to negate your legitimicacy possibly with the rape. That's why you need to talk to someone you trust.

Good luck X

Whilst it is blindingly obvious that HaraKiri was raped, I feel that she really is not concerned with that right now. Her only concern is how to fix the "problem" this has left her with, causing the least amount of hurt to her loved ones.

She needs professional help, which she would get from Rape Crisis or a similar organisation. They will have the answers to her practical questions, point her in the right direction if she decides to terminate and also offer counselling to help with the emotional trauma she is going through. All in a safe confidential, environment. No one will judge you Hari, you are totally blameless, although sadly those, closest may not see it that way.

FWIW, (following my first post) I do identify what happened as rape.
Whatever you may or may not have said to him, it was said in a not-fit-state-to-consent.

OP, are you sure he had ejaculatory sex? I mean how drunk was he, that he would (no offence!) have sex with a woman covered in sick, and with sick in her hair? It is usually obvious if you have semen inside you - the wetness, the smell the next morning - I know it only takes a few drops of pre-cum to be a risk, but was he in a fit state to DTD?

Given the clear legal position, I can't imagine that man would be keen to cause you any kind of fuss, trouble, or advertise his behaviour.

Just read your latest thread.
Having sex with you in your state was just despicable of him.

Please do talk it over with a rape crisis counsellor for your own sanity and get tested.

This has Daily Mail fodder written all over it, be careful OP!! Not too identifying

I can relate as I can imagine my OH wouldn't be too understanding either. Although I don't think your to blame. Yes you flirted & danced but so what. That's totally different to sleeping with someone.

FWIW if you had sex during your fertile window with OH then chances are it's his. Although I will say I did get pregnant 3 & 2 days before my fertile days.

Good post, lookformeinrainbows.

Good point, Garrulous.

I've no more advice then what you've already been given and I'm really sorry for your situation. I just thought I'd chip in with the following info which may help you avoid a pitfall later...

I had a medical termination at 19, fell pregnant unexpectedly at 27 and miscarried and at 29 got pregnant with DD.

During appointments, on at least two ocassions my history was referred to with my then DH present. A secret termination would have been outed.

If you go with your plan and get pregnant later, be careful of taking your DH to appointments

Once someone has done this to you, there is no real escape from the after effects. That's what is making your situation so utterly horrible. Whichhever way you turn, there is pain. You are trying to find the least painful route for others, which may not be the best route for you. Or it might be right for you too.

You'll only know which is the best action for you by talking it through with an expert who has seen this situation before. You won't be the first woman taken advantage of when out of their face and sadly you won't be the last. There is no way you would have done this sober.

You need to think about all the options and I'm not sure you are able to see all of them yet as you are reeling from what has been done to you. He's effectively (possibly) impregnated you against your wishes. You need to explore this a bit first before you go for a termination, just to make sure this is really the best way for you.

Very good point Broody. I wasn't going to tell dh about a previous termination and glad I did as it would have been a shock for him to hear it at an appointment for ds.

Just to add my personal view is my dp would be livid someone had done this to me and want to see that person put away. He would not be angry with me one bit. Because my dp would never do this to a woman. Your dp may be of a similar vein, where he understands easily how you were abused by this person. Again, you need to discuss this with an expert.