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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband has been using adultswork.com.

179 replies

Maryagness19 · 23/01/2017 14:19

i have just found out my husband has been on adultswork web site why I picked up his I pad I will never know. I logged on as him and I am absolutely deverstated. he was getting e mails and sent his phone number to a working girl.
he claims he never turned up for the appointment and it was just the thrill
there were at least 4 girls he was in contact with.
I really really want to believe he never went to the meeting but I just cant
get passed it. he swears he never went
should I believe him how can I get proof. at this moment in time I am hardly functioning he was the last person I thought would do this.he has deleted his account with them and cant say sorry enough but it just makes it worse appologies just don't cut it.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 25/01/2017 15:01

Just be vigilant about counselling. Not all therapists are decent. Some of them are shit.

I think it would be far more productive for you to see his bank statements personally... If he refuses to let you see them, you know he has something to hide. In his shoes I'd want to prove that I hadn't taken any money out on those dates.

Maryagness19 · 25/01/2017 15:11

that's a good thought Gatorade my will be my next positive step today

OP posts:
ladyfromvenus · 25/01/2017 16:22

Just a point about profiles on that site, people seeking services don't usually have a profile to view/read, its the escort offering services who has the profile. The escort will have feedback viewed via ratings, top menu and through that you can see feedback for clients.

Some may say member not active and some will have usernames which can be clicked into to see feedback. But, as we know, some are phone, text appointments with no further trail.
Would need to put some info on the search members page but not necessary to login.
So sorry, please only search if you have a desperate need to and feel able to cope with what may be found. Please stay strong.

Maryagness19 · 25/01/2017 17:25

It's not a case of if I can cope with finding stuff out it's a need. Can't explain it

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/01/2017 18:58

Having joint counselling is a huge mistake

You need support for your own self

What the fuck does he need support with ?

GTS · 25/01/2017 18:59

Mary its normal to search for proof relentlessly. You need evidence to show beyond reasonable doubt what you already know in your heart to be true. I honestly wish I could say something to make you feel better. There is lots of constructive advice on here, I would also urge caution regarding couples counselling, perhaps seek it out for yourself first?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/01/2017 20:18

If he doesn't already know that this is wrong then a Relate councillor won't make him realise. What it will do is give him chance to perfect his back story

Absolutely this ^^

I hate to say it, but it could even be that he very much welcomes the idea of Relate - not for positive reasons, but to produce such a convincing "good guy act" that OP will end up thoroughly steamrollered

As PPs have said, not all counsellors are skilled and perceptive Sad

feelingdizzee · 25/01/2017 21:53

Who cares if he doesn't realise what's he's done is wrong? That's not the point! He's wrong and you know he is. Can't understand why you're going to counselling with him. Go by yourself and get some support to ditch the dirty sod.

RaeofSun · 25/01/2017 23:11

There's quite a lot of us saying couples counselling isnt the way forward .... we're talking from experience

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 26/01/2017 10:26

Agree with AnyFucker - joint counselling is a mistake right now. He's already contrite to your face so what purpose will it serve, except give him an opportunity to show off what a good boy he's being by going for marriage guidance?

I know you want proof. You'll always wonder in your head if you don't look for it - were you going mad or is he really lying? But what you can't see right now is that the proof doesn't matter; the trust is already gone. Even if he didn't go and shag someone else, he still went looking, still exchanged messages, still created an account and he still lied about it. Proof or no proof you will spend night after night lying in bed whilst he sleeps next to you, looking at him in the dark and wondering if today was the day that he reactivated his account. Every time he is in a bad mood, or distant, or late home, or just 'off', you'll wonder if there is more to it and if it means he is messaging sex workers behind your back.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? You'll kill your happiness, your confidence and your self-esteem by constantly analysing and second-guessing everything. And that's before you get into the territory of the fact that he clearly sees women as nothing more than a hole that he can buy for an hour or two. You have grand-children - are any of them girls? Would you be comfortable spending your life with a man that can happily compartmentalise women into Mother/Whore boxes?

Stop digging for the evidence. Go to an STI clinic and get yourself checked out and go to counselling alone. In the meantime if you are not already financially independent then take steps to try and address this - give yourself options.

RogueStar01 · 26/01/2017 10:59

well, her DH clearly needs therapy for being a sleazy creep, but i can't see why that needs joint therapy.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/01/2017 11:11

Superb post, MrDacres As you've identified, it's not what's actually been done which causes the real carnage, it's what it does to you afterwards - and that "afterwards" can go on for years if you let it

IME a partner who genuinely regretted it would at least be truthful ... or supportive rather than trying to pass on blame ... or offer complete access to records for reassurance ... or organise the counselling himself in an attempt to mend things

Sadly, as I said, it's just not happening is it?

Maryagness19 · 26/01/2017 11:26

Thank you mrdacres that's put everything into perspective I'm having another bad day and you are correct it's not what he didn't do or did do the intention was there and what it is doing to me is irreparable

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2017 11:56

I am sorry Mary Flowers

RaeofSun · 26/01/2017 12:07

Well put MrDacres

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 26/01/2017 14:24

Oh love, I am sorry. I think you are having a crappy time right now and it must hurt dreadfully. People are conditioned to think that they must 'fight', 'battle', 'save' and so on, when actually there is nothing wrong with very calmly saying 'I'm out' and walking away. You need to do what is best for you. FWIW in your shoes I would be telling him to pack up and fuck off.

I hope that you have some real life support Flowers

Jaysis · 26/01/2017 17:21

But what you can't see right now is that the proof doesn't matter; the trust is already gone. Even if he didn't go and shag someone else, he still went looking, still exchanged messages, still created an account and he still lied about it. Proof or no proof you will spend night after night lying in bed whilst he sleeps next to you, looking at him in the dark and wondering if today was the day that he reactivated his account. Every time he is in a bad mood, or distant, or late home, or just 'off', you'll wonder if there is more to it and if it means he is messaging sex workers behind your back.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? You'll kill your happiness, your confidence and your self-esteem by constantly analysing and second-guessing everything.

Superbly put, Mr. Dacres.

Mary, I think counselling is a great idea - but only for you as an individual client to have someone to talk to for YOU. No harm to think about talking to a solicitor to ascertain your financial position in all potential outcomes either.

If he wants to get counselling then he's free to go look for one for himself. He seems eminently capable of researching local service providers and does not need to share yours. Though I'd be biting my tongue to avoid bitchily asking if he would book four counsellors and not turn up for any sessions of those either.

Maryagness19 · 26/01/2017 18:58

Jays is thank you for that it's the first time I have smiled since Friday thankyou

OP posts:
MrDacresEUSubsidy · 26/01/2017 19:19

Jay Grin

I have read so many threads on here over the years where posters husbands and partners have said the same thing when confronted: Nothing happened. And you know what, 99% of the time they are lying. This is a great thread which runs through most of the excuses: the affair script

amistillpregnant · 26/01/2017 20:50

.

Jaysis · 27/01/2017 10:08
Flowers

I'm glad I got a smile out of you. You are doing great here. It's a LOT to process right away and its ok to ask him to go stay with his mother or sofa-surf his friends until you figure stuff out.

It's a bit like a burn, isn't it? You finding out is like the initial burn and if he was totally honest and forthcoming that would be like you putting your hand under the cold tap immediately - still sore but the burning would start to ease so healing could begin. But by deleting his account, or minimising and gas-lighting you, the burn is still burning you. He's not treating your wound for you and it will take longer to heal and possibly scar.

He was a selfish prick. Now, it's time for you to be selfish and focus on YOU. You can take a step back and figure out all your options and put them out on the table for you to consider. And you get to take your time doing it too. You are under no obligation to mend this marriage immediately because he wants that now so you'll get off his case

He does not get to dictate how or when you repair what he deliberately broke.

Maybe ask him to give you some space for a few weeks (it may also shock him into realising that he might actually be at risk of losing you and therefore begin talking to you honestly) and figure out your options.

joystir59 · 27/01/2017 13:24

1 in 4 men use prostitutes- its extremely common. nordicmodelnow.org/myths-about-prostitution/myth-punters-are-lonely-single-men/

Sorry OP. I have to say as far as I'm concerned I would be very wounded if I found out my OH had been wanking over porn. That alone would be a deal breaker.

TatianaLarina · 27/01/2017 13:42

U.K. figures indicate it's 1 in 10.

TatianaLarina · 27/01/2017 13:43

That's meant to say 'other UK figures'

Maryagness19 · 27/01/2017 14:02

thanks you Tatiana went on the link and feel physically sick.
I will never understand men ever again.
I was living in oblivion thinking everything was 100 per cent never dreamed this would ever happen. we were the couple every one wanted to be.
today I don't know which way to turn read all the threads which are very
comforting in a funny kind of way.i don't know which is worst them having an affair or paying. but then I suppose its the same

OP posts: