husband has been using adultswork.com.

[Maryagness19]

i have just found out my husband has been on adultswork web site why I picked up his I pad I will never know. I logged on as him and I am absolutely deverstated. he was getting e mails and sent his phone number to a working girl.
he claims he never turned up for the appointment and it was just the thrill
there were at least 4 girls he was in contact with.
I really really want to believe he never went to the meeting but I just cant
get passed it. he swears he never went
should I believe him how can I get proof. at this moment in time I am hardly functioning he was the last person I thought would do this.he has deleted his account with them and cant say sorry enough but it just makes it worse appologies just don't cut it.

If he's that remorseful and is telling the truth he'll log back on for you so you can check the site

He'll also provide open access to his accounts, email, phone ... everything. If he won't then he doesn't want to prove his innocence I guess

The only way you will know, is to get straight down to the sexual health clinic and get tested for sti. Then you will have it on paper and you won't need proof from him.

I don't know if it's been mentioned, but if he logs in for you you can check his feedback. Bit like eBay. The women will have left him negative/neutral feedback if he didn't show up and positive if he did.

If he is genuine, then he will address your concern and log onto that site with you sat next to him. If he won't, then he is lying to you.

My ex swore on my kids life
He was lying

Sorry op

*Essie I'm so sorry
*
I've been through this too and one year post finding out I'm trying to leave him. I was pregnant when I found out, had moved country and our dd had just turned 1. I say that because it's so irritating when people say you can just walk out the door. For a million reasons you may not and you take your time.

Listen if you need more to make it black and white in your head (it's understandable it's hard to be rational now, of course you may need to see the facts to know as it's just so bloody hard to believe?? Yet it is so likely a horrible truth) as another poster said you can get him to log back into the account. He will probably refuse and insist that is "all behind him now no no no".

The other thing you can do is check deleted emails. Whenever a message is received in the adultwork site it sends an email notification. If you see these you know he level of correspondence. I simply ran a check on his account for "adultwork" and it came up in the trash folder, it was going on a lot longer than he was saying.

He is going to lie and kick his way out of admitting anything. I think men see it as a shameful thing to do, dirty and seedy yet they still do it.

If you want to ask me anything please do. I uncovered so much, in fact I got so obsessed my view of reality was screwed. It's such a horrific way to commodify women. I hated seeing the world through his eyes. Tits, ass, technique. Bullshit.

Big hugs - god I'm so sorry. No matter what - you'll be ok Essie.

Sorry my message above is for the OP, Mary. I thought your name was Essie.

Essie sorry to read your story too.

Havalina did you stay with your partner so sorry that so many of us actually find out just by accident

My P did the same - never went, ok just re once, was only a blowjob ('only' ) then sex only once maybe twice.

He was a regular. It was threesomes, at lavish expense. And one woman on a rolling monthly basis, one Sunday a month, in the next village. She even had a twitter account and would post things like "our with my famous rich jockey today racing! Helicopters rule! #lovemyjob" etc

Mary if you change the email it will send the notification to the current one, I'm almost sure. I tried to do that too and got stuck.

Also - a lot of the women has their mobiles on their profile so he doesn't actually need to book through adultwork? So watch out. A lot of them can be contacted directly. Plus you can browse without being logged in and get details that way too.

I have tried browsing but have got stuck on how to get further than the first page I know the dates and the area would recognise the girls name not sure how to browse his name and bring up the dates

OP, one thing I found helpful is a Relate telephone counselling session (I wouldn't normally recommend Relate, but the 1:1 session on the phone was immediate and helpful to say it all outloud). It doesn't have to be about staying together and it doesn't need to involve the other person. It's just an opportunity to get your thoughts straight with someone who isn't invested emotionally as family and friends are.

I'd also say take some practical steps. You may not use them, but if you arm yourself with knowledge it will take some of the fear away.

So get on entitledto.com and find out how things would be if you were a single parent. Get a grip on finances, insurance, bills. Pensions. Bank statements. You aren't there yet, but knowledge is power and it will help.

Like I say, you might not do anything with it but 1) you will feel like you have some control and 2) you are arming yourself for the worst case scenario (or, in my instance, best case scenario).

There's a chance he will be 'sorry enough' and you can get through it. Personally I don't believe that. When my XH decided to put his penis into a prostitute he forfeited the privilege of kissing a small, sweaty head goodnight every night. Fucking big price to pay. Idiot.

Mary I did yes. I still believe anything is possible if it's wanted enough and I wanted a family unit and I wanted to be close.

But it didn't work. He just couldn't talk about "why", couldn't share whatever it was that made him do it or led him to it. It was a secret part of his life, and I realised he was a totally different person from what I thought he was. And I didn't like him. And he couldn't share so much of his life. We didn't get close after it - maybe initially yes when he was devastated. It it didn't take long for him to crack under the pressure of the shame he felt. Then he started resenting me about it. I knew his secret and yes I was paranoid and before long he was crying out about living in a goldfish bowl, watched all the time. And a few months later I caught him doing it again.

It's so complicated for me because I am Irish and want to go home, I've had enough, enough of this experiment of a life with him. I want to go and obviously with our children. But I am here in England and have a court case now to grant the children leave.

I had to know it was utterly unsalvageable before I could break up the family and change our lives forever.

I'd stop the digging.

You know enough.

OFFS they are such idiots. Absolute disasters.

I think that's really good advice for Mary. Just try to talk it out loud with someone. I can only remember snippets of the horror show in my head and heart at the time I was going through what you are now. I went for therapy too to talk it out. X

Same here, once the embarrassment and devastation of being found out passed, right back to it. Oh, and it was all my fault too. I wasn't slim enough/attractive enough/into him as much as I should have been/attentive enough.

Has he mentioned he might be a 'sex addict' yet?

I found Viagra too.

Mary have you logged in? Once you are - Along the tabs there is Communications or something, a drop down menu and you can see bookings, "reverse bookings" etc. Saved profiles... the works

No need to struggle with accessing the site yourself, Mary - ask him to disclose everything he's done on it, and when he won't or makes excuses you'll have your answer

PPs are right about the minimizing and only admitting what you can prove; even then, it goes: didn't do it at all - okay just once, but only a hand job - actually a blowjob but I didn't enjoy it - yes it was full sex and I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you

Only you can decide what to do, but please know this: it's not the initial shock or even what he's done which will crush you if you stay - it's the endless grinding doubt and the knowing you can never trust him again

I found viagra also!!!!

Havalina I feel so like you did. It's like I want to find every thing out warts an all then make my decision. My family are all grown up so I would totally be on my own with just 4 years left to work I feel like it has to be black and white to come out of the negative if that makes sense I will try the relate part at the moment I feel like hiding away on my own

I have logged in but when I initially found out I had a look at the emails etc didn't take any notes and confronted him within 2 hours without thinking first. He has deactivated his account. But somebody said you can look for feedback without logging in

Mary. Just giving you a hand hold. Take care of yourself

I kept my MN thread. Printed it out and stashed it in a folder. I kept notes of names, phone numbers and dates. I re-read the thread regularly to remind myself why he had to go.

The marriage was rotten anyway. I see that now. Therapy is helping me too.

My kids are secure and content. I am much calmer. The tension he created, the emotional abuse I suffered, gone. We are a happy family. I have a new partner. I am in a healthy, loving relationship for the first time in my life (and I'm nearly 50).

OP, whatever you do from this point, be in charge of it.

OFFS that is what he has said I wasn't interested in him he needed someone or something tried to but couldn't go through with it

Mary, ok - maybe don't stop digging then. I did a lot of rifling through pockets, wash bags, gym bag, the car, etc as well as his phone. Receipts, viagra, etc. It was all there.