Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband has been using adultswork.com.

179 replies

Maryagness19 · 23/01/2017 14:19

i have just found out my husband has been on adultswork web site why I picked up his I pad I will never know. I logged on as him and I am absolutely deverstated. he was getting e mails and sent his phone number to a working girl.
he claims he never turned up for the appointment and it was just the thrill
there were at least 4 girls he was in contact with.
I really really want to believe he never went to the meeting but I just cant
get passed it. he swears he never went
should I believe him how can I get proof. at this moment in time I am hardly functioning he was the last person I thought would do this.he has deleted his account with them and cant say sorry enough but it just makes it worse appologies just don't cut it.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 25/01/2017 10:55

It honestly doesn't matter, you're just torturing yourself

Purplebluebird · 25/01/2017 11:00

I would take note of what Ford said, there are a lot of time wasters. However, some (very cheap) callgirls/escorts do offer "bareback" which is without a condom, though they are quite rare. If you look on their profiles, it will mention it if it's offered. I would definitely go to a GUM clinic just in case. I understand you want to know exactly what's gone on before making a decision, he might just have a random fantasy about it, and not have gone through with it - or he might have visited 1 or more escorts for sex and/or company. It's only for you to know if you can trust him after this, and if you're willing to spend more time with him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/01/2017 11:00

Ah yes, the "I wouldn't have looked if I'd had enough attention from you" speech

All part of the script I'm afraid, and the beginning of "deny - minimize - blame" Hmm

Adora10 · 25/01/2017 11:03

If it was just the one call girl I could maybe, maybe believe he never went through with it but not FOUR, he's met up with at least one.

RaeofSun · 25/01/2017 11:04

It's true. When you're already reeling and hurting with the shock they heap more on you with the 'it's your fault' script. Hmm

havalina1 · 25/01/2017 11:11

Mary, the others are saying to stop the looking and maybe for now you should. I know I had to know as much as I could to see or realise what was going on all around me.

That is absolute shite he is saying, that you were uninterested so he had to go 'there'. It's just not true, not fair. He didn't have to go anywhere. He could have talked to you or something. Sometimes I think people lose their way and I can forgive that be it doesn't mean reuniting will work. I really tried. And in my case nobody is more gutted than me.

Be I'm really inspired by OFFSs post. She sounds sorted and happy. And only lately I've started thinking about me and hat I'd like a future, and I enjoy day dreaming about what I want. That's where I am in my life now (but the split is so complicated and I need to be so tough and I hate that).

Sorry to ans your question, you can't see feedback on your husband unless you are logged in. My p had only one feedback and had been on the site and using it a couple of years. His comment received from a girl called "Cute-AmyXXX" was "spent the afternoon with this fun and sensual guy! Xxxx". You'd swear it was a bloody dating site.

It's demoralising, don't stay in that site long Mary. Walk away. Honestly you know what he was doing there. Are he acts more important in their detail than his lying, his planning, his thrill when he was happy knowing a shag was coming later, ... all that is what hurt so much more than what he actually did with them. The utter cheek of him having a secret smug little life.

Adora10 · 25/01/2017 11:13

Any man who blames his partner, no matter the state of the relationship is not worth staying with; he's effectively giving himself permission to cheat when things are not going to his liking; not someone I would say you can trust.

TatianaLarina · 25/01/2017 11:18

Yy to the GUM clinic, just to be on the safe side.

You could always tell him you've tested positive and see if that prompts a confession.

Original poster
Maryagness19 · 25/01/2017 11:19

Well my positive step for today is book us both into relate thank you for the advice only prob is I have to wait till end of Feb but never mind it's done

OP posts:
Original poster
Maryagness19 · 25/01/2017 11:22

I can't believe all this goes on and I've lived a lot

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 25/01/2017 11:24

Mary be very wary of couples counselling if you suspect your DH is blatantly lying.

My STBEXH and I had a session after I caught him many times on Adultfriendfinder looking for hook ups as his wife was cold and frigid. Hmm

In the first counselling session he cried, held my hand, begged, pleaded, promised to change.

When she left he turned on me and told me never EVER to make him go through that kind of utter crap ever again.

It was all an act.

Adora10 · 25/01/2017 11:29

Not sure Relate is a good idea; almost makes it sound like it's both of you at fault, it's not, it's all him; he should be going himself to find out why he thinks it's acceptable to chet (or try to) on his wife with prostitutes; what's HE doing OP, is he still living his cumfy life at the moment, no real disruption then, for him!

Give him a consequence, not counselling so you can be told how it's your fault by him.

I'm mad yes.

laurenandsophie · 25/01/2017 11:37

My god these men are absolute POSs. I am so sad for you all reading through these stories. OP, I wish you all the best. I am sorry for you. Flowers Flowers Flowers

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/01/2017 11:49

I agree about being cautious using Relate in these circumstances. Surely some honesty/acceptance of responsibility would be needed on his part for it to be any use, and it simply isn't there is it? I'm no expert, but it seems to me there's just too much risk that he'd use it for validation than anything more positive

I also think OP's search for truth is completely understandable - when everything feels like chaos it's natural to feel that, somehow, we could cope if only we had the whole story to work with. Trouble is, to many men like this, there seems no point in it; they seem to think "if I tell the truth she'll leave me, and if she's going to leave anyway there's no point in telling the truth"

And all the while, ever so subtly, they try to shift the blame onto their partners Sad

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/01/2017 11:52

Forgot to mention there's also "I didn't want to admit it as that would have caused you more pain"

As if they couldn't have thought about the possible pain beforehand ... Hmm

Newbrummie · 25/01/2017 12:02

My ex sat in relate and lied and I started saving my evidence for when we got to the sessions to reveal him as a liar and then he got violent after being "made a fool of" in front of the counsellor. Relate were actually very good in basically confronting him about his behaviour and how it made me feel, but of course he " didn't find that helpful"

OFFFS · 25/01/2017 12:07

If you think counselling would be helpful, please go by yourself.

I wouldn't recommend Relate other than the phone session which was helpful.

Too many men go to appease the partner they have cause great pain to. 'I've been to counselling like you wanted me to.' Just lets them off the hook.

If HE came to YOU and said 'I've booked a couples counselling session. Please come with me, I want this to work' then it would be a different story.

He isn't going to.

OFFFS · 25/01/2017 12:14

Havalina1 thank you. Flowers It took years for me to end the marriage, and when I did I did so with a very strong sense of 'if I don't do it now I will lose myself entirely' such was his abuse. I was a shadow of the person I am meant to be. I did it for the children, because I didn't want to teach them that was how marriage is, or that is how men treat women. Those women were someone daughters and sisters, and I found his view of women disgusting.

The prostitutes and affairs gave me the out. But the reasons to leave were stacked up high.

I took the divorce on with enthusiasm. Everything was practical and considered. I negotiated a good deal (used a mediator) and had everything in order, in black and white.

It was the start of my life. Once the clouds lift you feel as though you are breathing clean air again. Lungfuls of it. And it's wonderful.

Dieu · 25/01/2017 12:16

So sorry for those of you, and you OP, who are going through this. It's genuinely awful, and I feel for you all, especially you OP, as you are in the first initial stage of shock and denial.
I'm sure the posters in question will reach a resolve that is best for THEM.
In the meantime, I don't think they need to be told that they're stupid for staying, etc etc.
After all, we wouldn't say that to victims of domestic abuse, and I don't see the difference.

Silentplikebath · 25/01/2017 12:42

Don't waste your money and time on going to Relate, go and see a decent lawyer instead to find out whether you can keep your home and how much pension you will get.

Mindfuckdailymailisshit · 25/01/2017 13:03

There is a way through this for all of us who have recently found evidence our husbands are cheating. They minimise and say "I only thought about it". They lie and tell us "I didn't go through with it", they make counter accusations "we were going through difficult times and I took second place to the children" . Mine now promises me the moon and the earth .....but do I really want to be with someone I will never trust?

When the shock passes and you realise no matter what the truth is it won't change the fact your H put his own selfish desires first , at the cost of your feelings and your marriage. Take your time and work out what's best for you and how you want to live your life. Maybe you can tolerate staying or perhaps it's better to bite the bullet and leave. At the moment I feel I will be leaving but only when it suits me .

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 25/01/2017 13:53

I'm not sure how valuable Relate is going to be. The problem is, when somebody has lied to you and insists on continuing with those lies even when they've been caught out (I'm sorry Mary but I would stake my life on the fact that there is much, much more to this than he is admitting), how can you ever trust them again? The answer is that you can't. The sort of man who would treat his family with such utter contempt and disrespect as to have sex with prosititutes behind his wife's back (ignoring what this actually says about his attitude towards women in general) is not the kind of man who goes on to be a loving, supportive, loyal, trustworthy husband. Men like that don't change. If he doesn't already know that this is wrong then a Relate councillor won't make him realise. What it will do is give him chance to perfect his back story (probably either that he is a sex addict, was unhappy, is stressed, is suddenly struggling with some past trauma blah blah blah).

If you stay with him then you need to do so with your eyes wide open and on the understanding that he cannot be trusted and that in all likelihood he will continue to seek sexual thrills outside of your marriage.

Adora10 · 25/01/2017 13:58

Another great post above.

essieestherson · 25/01/2017 14:08

Bluebird do you think it's definitely true that these men can't change?

I only ask as I didn't leave my husband when I found out as I was pregnant etc. He has never fully admitted to what he has done and I know he is still lying to me but he genuinely seems to have changed and I can see every day how hard he is trying...

He does still lie about little things, e.g. Buying things and I don't know if I'm being a complete idiot staying with him... it's so hard just to walk out now when he is trying so hard..

Jaysis · 25/01/2017 14:26

Essie, you sound like you are staying because you feel you owe it to him to let him try. And he's barely managing that.

That's not a reason to stay, love.