Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

OP I'm glad that you're seeing it as part of the bigger picture now. I'm also very glad you're listening to the posters on here.
I wrote mine as someone who used to have an awful temper and was always surprised when people reached the end of their tether with me.

The problem you have is that you're focusing 100% on you. YOU have anger issues, YOU are taking steps to deal with it, YOU weren't angry when this happened, YOU feel like his reaction was ott, YOU only expect him to get angry in reaction to you being angry.

You now need to think about him. HE has stood by you, HE felt unwell and snapped at, HE wanted to have an easy day while you did his job and took the kids to school, HE realised he wasn't going to get that and got angry.

It's great that you've apologised, but I think if you could explain that you understand where it went wrong, it would probably help more. So you're not sorry you made him angry, you're sorry you didn't help with the children, that you snapped at him about doing the admin job and being grateful. It's much more substantial than "this was my fault and I'm very sorry" IYSWIM

Yes I did just let him take them because it was more convenient to me and made my life easier. There was no particular reason at all why I didn't take them. It's just selfishness isn't it

So what are you going to do?

I wouldn't be impressed either. Your "trying" isn't cutting it. What help are you going to get so that you don't speak to him this way any more? If you think you can smooth over this with a massage, then you are really not hearing us.

X posts. Really? You didn't think he should stay in bed as he's ill? I'm absolutely amazed he married and had children with someone so self absorbed. If he were posting he'd be told to ltb and work on his self esteem for putting up with your shit.

I just feel as though when I've finally realised and am making a massive effort to change, it's too late

It may be too late for your marriage OP (only you and your DH could know that) but it is never too late for your children and the rest of your life.

I know from your post that your anger is a learnt strategy for which you need therapy, but taking Vitamin B complex would be an added help.

Yes I did just let him take them because it was more convenient to me and made my life easier. There was no particular reason at all why I didn't take them. It's just selfishness isn't it

I hope you actually mean that and aren't being sarcastic, because yes, it was selfish.

Maybe today has been a wake up call for you OP? Your DH has finally snapped and you've realised actually its you. Not him. He's reacting to years of your anger.
Glad you are getting help for your anger, please continue! And give DH a big hug, he's not well!!

No I know smoothing things over with a massage isn't enough. I'm going to go back to my gp and ask for proper anger management therapy.

Can I take vitamin B complex while pregnant ?

to which I replied do you think I need you to do my work, I do it every day, or something along them lines

You've admitted he had asked you in a joking manner so was there really a need for that nasty comment?
But then again it shows your true colours and what you must be like to live with. I feel sorry for your DH and your children because I'm sure you take your anger out on them too. You are lucky you still have them around cos I would have packed your bags a long time ago.

piglet no i wasn't being sarcastic.

I just seem to have this inability in me to make a caring and nice decision within that moment. When I look back on it and after reading all your replies, I can see where I went wrong but without that I would be genuinely confused.

flip it and it seems worse.. DH has an explosive temper and will often go off on one, shouting and swearing at me and the kids (as well as random members of the family) although he has been getting some counselling for his anger issues. I was ill yesterday and DH was so sweet, caring for me, making sure i had enough to drink, eat etc. it was lovely. i felt so loved.
this morning i still didn't feel well enough to go to work, but DH asked me to take kids to school. I could see he was about to start doing some admin, so rather than cause a row i hauled my ass off of the sofa and took kids, even though i still feel shit. when i got back i literally flopped onto the sofa intending to doze off whilst watching tv. but DH then proceeded to ask me a load of questions i knew he knew the answers to. i got a bit shirty and snapped back that he should know all this by now. DH then told me i was being nasty and was ungrateful for all the care he had given me yesterday. i stormed upstairs, and got so angry that i hurled a cuppa all over the bed! and fucked off to work. i expect i will get the usual abusive calls or texts from him during the day.. AIBU?

for op's DH

For me, a harsh, angry and aggressive kind of reaction to any given situation seems to be my default setting and if I am not CONSCIOUSLY trying to be nice/different , then that's who I am.

How do I change that?

"I just feel as though when I've finally realised and am making a massive effort to change, it's too late "
Can I ask - what made you realise? If we have any empathy at all, we pick up on what those around us are feeling. Even the smallest smidge of empathy should be able to sense a strong emotion. I am wondering if you subconsciously realised your husband had reached the end of his tether. And it's rather a sad though, that he had to be pushed to that extreme before you would address your abusive behaviour. Because it is abusive.

Look at what you've said:
"This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude."

It doesn't take a lot of empathy to read this from his possible perspective:

"This morning I was still poorly and asked her who's taking the dc to school (my job usually), hoping that she would take them as I felt so rough. But she said 'can you please', so obviously we're back to normal she doesn't feel I'm sick any more and I didn't feel up to dealing with her exploding, going out feeling rough seemed preferable to that so I said OK. Felt so rough when I got back that I lay on the sofa trying to watch tv, she was doing some admin work. She does this work normally when I'm at work, so why is she questioning me about it, how does she manage if I'm not here to question? After about an hour of her getting increasingly snappy, she snaps that she's going to the bedroom and flounces off obviously unhappy with me. I can't handle it any more, I've more chance of sitting quietly feeling rough at work so tell her I'm going to work. I make myself a cup of tea, and goes to the bedroom to get ready. She snaps 'why are you rushing off like this, I've been looking after you since yesterday and you're not grateful and have a nasty attitude'. I have a nasty attitude? Dear God, I really don't feel up to another of her explosions I just want her to leave me alone and the next thing I know the tea is all over the bed because if I hadn't done that I'd have thrown it at her. I've had ENOUGH."

If you struggle to empathize and assess situations you need to learn to keep quiet and walk away. You react with anger to everyone around you before thinking. If you can't learn to do this your marriage is unlikely to survive and that's how you teach your dcs to behave. You need to learn to be kind to your dh first and foremost.

Op, were you like this before you got married? Because I'm wondering why he married you if you were abusive to him and his family, or did you manage to control it then and now just let yourself do as you please?

blunt he says I wasn't like that at all and that I was very loving. We were together a long time though and I don't feel like I controlled myself at all. It was just different. Marriage is so different. I don't know how to explain it.

I think I've known all along to be honest. It started when our first dc was born and has just carried on since then really, on and off.

Have you always been an angry person? What's your past like? Not that it's an excuse for talking to people like dirt.

My dh has a temper and any issues I have with him I don't bothering bringing up as he gets defensive and snipey and angry. It's awful walking on eggshells. It's very wearing.

But for the sake of all around you and especially your kids you need to do something. Acknowledging your issues is wonderful but you need to do something such as counselling or a support group or something. You will end up damaging your children.

OP, if you want to get better there's only really one way - practice - it's like any other skill. Listen to your DH and DCs when they pull you up on it and apologise.

Make a conscious effort to be extra nice, and if you feel the rage coming on - remove yourself from the situation and really think about whether or not you're in the right, and whether or not it's worth the reaction you're brewing.

You're going to have to lose a lot of arguments for a while (including some when you're probably right) to rebalance things in your relationships.

Diet is also a good shout from PP - stay away from anything that can lower your inhibitions (like alcohol), and stock up on things known to boost mood (as long as they don't interfere with the PG). Vit D is probably in any pregnancy vitamins and it's honestly amazing with loads of MH benefits.

I completely agree with Walter

She is abusive to her husband and children. She should get out until she can get a proper handle on this. I know just moving out isn't very simple due to finances etc but that is not a dramatic response. She is being abusive and trying to get better is not good enough.

OP, I really do hope you manage to change your ways fully. I hope this thread will be helpful to you and be the catalyst for a real big change.

You added a face because he isn't that impressed with your offer of a massage.

If someone was consistantly angry and vicious towards me I wouldn't want them massaging me.
I am assuming this Nasty, sort of sorry, offer of reconciliation, nasty is a pattern that is repeated often.

You have kids. You have admitted being angry with them. Like most abused spouses he is probably sticking around to protect the kids.

I never thought I would say this but if you are really serious about sorting yourself out you would find somewhere else to stay for a while.
Give your family a break.

Cross post with U2

It does sound like you've let yourself off the hook a bit and maybe that's also a factor in his annoyance - you going around thinking "oh, I have an anger issue but I'm trying" is more or less expecting people to give you more leeway when you 'lapse'.

Truth is, nobody owes you that. He is well within his rights to ltb. Or to separate and take steps to protect his kids from you. Emotional and verbal abuse is a crime and he could very easily call the police on you if he wanted.

You offering a massage and getting miffed that he's not instantly grateful for your grand gesture is part of the nice/nasty cycle of headfuck that abuse victims experience. The part where you admit that you were happy for him to drag himself out of his sickbed to do the school run because it suited your selfishness is also quite revealing.

Have you looked into postpartum rage? It's part of postpartum depression and also anxiety. But please seek help.

I guess you can say I've had an abusive childhood and possibly neglectful parents.

I'm the youngest in a family of much older siblings; I've seen my sisters in law being dragged by their hair while pregnant by my brothers. I've seen them being beaten and sworn at. I myself have been beaten once and threatened to be killed and been removed from the family home by the police. I was restricted from leaving the house besides school while my brothers enjoyed having friends and a social life.

I then moved away to university by rebelling and going against everyone in the family everyone meaning brothers who were always in control of everything . I met dh here and the rest as they say is history. He knows all about it. He gets it. But rightfully, he says it's in the past and it's excuse.
I've not written all that for sympathy - but I do think it's relevant to my anger and aggression.

Ok then it's a behaviour you've developed and allowed yourself to indulge in if you were not like that before. You got away with it so it's escalated and you just keep doing it. It also means you can control it if you so chose. Simply you prefer not to.

Are you happy in your marriage? It doesn't sound like you treat your husband with any respect, or any one else for that matter.