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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry dh threw cup of tea

394 replies

cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 12:30

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed Shock

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 23/01/2017 14:23

Change is only possible OP, if you have insight into what it is you are trying to change? It took strangers to point out the obvious.

Communication works both ways. If someone has censored their answers for so long that becomes their norm. It's a difficult cycle to break. I don't know if its possible to change whilst still living together? Then add another little person into the mix, it is likely to bring you back to square one...

A massage won't make this better. Maybe you should ask him what he wants or needs from you? Maybe give him some space to think?

Msqueen33 · 23/01/2017 14:23

I'd say it's hugely relevant and it's often said the abused go on to be the abuser. This is affecting you all. And your past is shaping your future in a way that's damaging your future. I don't blame your dh for not wanting a massage. You need to be accountable. Like a pp said you can't expect people to give you leeway as you have anger issues.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 14:23

*its no excuse that should say.

I was prescribed anti depressants by the age of 17 but never took them.

The counselling I have had is in relation to the physical abuse I experienced by my brother and having to live in a homeless hostel for six weeks - but it didn't change the way I feel about any of them. Dh and I still go to visit and ironically they love him. But I still hate them all.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 14:25

I wish I could just be someone else and belong to a completely different family and have a completely different upbringing and background.

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 23/01/2017 14:27

I would seriously think about NC with your family. You obviously have deep rooted issues and need to see a good counsellor who can work through it with you. Whether you now want to completely control your own environment as a way of feeling safe it's not healthy. Go and ring your Gp and get an appointment. I'd also ring your local mental health charity.

Msqueen33 · 23/01/2017 14:27

How old are your other kids?

SuckingEggs · 23/01/2017 14:28

You sound like you have no idea how to deal with the red mist.

You need to do some physical things - go running, go to the gym, do upper body workouts. Punching a pillow can help. Slowly, slowly, you will rewire your brain. Breathe deeply. Distract yourself when you feel anger rising.

Apologise profusely to your husband. Show him this thread. Be humble and remember, actions speak louder than words. Apologise to your kids, too. Tell them you know your behaviour is unacceptable.

And then hope he stands by you. Many wouldn't. But you can do it. Put your energy towards changing. Don't let your abusive past govern your marriage and ultimately, your children's lives and their future behaviour...

SuckingEggs · 23/01/2017 14:29

And FGS, cut contact with the abusive people. It will empower you.

MycatsaPirate · 23/01/2017 14:31

While I appreciate it's learned behaviour, it's in your past and your actions are yours - own them.

My ex was like you. It was awful. Utterly awful. Absolute hair trigger temper and I was walking on eggshells constantly. 8 years after we split I still feel myself getting anxious at times and I have a lovely DP who has a heart of gold.

I do feel like you minimise your actions and the abuse you are inflicting on your family. If it was your husband posting here I'd be telling him to take the children and go. I'd also be telling him to file for divorce on the grounds of Domestic Violence.

You need help. Fast.

diddl · 23/01/2017 14:32

"I don't think he's all that impressed judging from his replies"

There's no need for him to be-he doesn't need your permission for a lie in if he's ill.

It's not just needing to change your behaviour, but that your husband can feel safe saying no to you & not having to be effusive with thanks & praise when you do something for him.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 14:32

I'm crying so much now I've brought up all that. They think it was all in the past and now I've got this wonderful luxury lifestyle and this wonderful dh and everything turned out amazingly well for me.

But im not wonderful am I? I'm just this awful, broken person with a horrible childhood and an inability to love or be loved.

And I don't know how to change me. This is me, and I'm so scared that this is just me and always will be.

OP posts:
forforkssake · 23/01/2017 14:32

i'm sorry op, but all i'm getting from you is poor me, poor me. what about your poor DH and your poor kids? i am an abuse survivor. I too have issues regarding past experiences, and frankly you're lucky you got a place in a hostel, because i had to sofa surf for 4 months at the age of 16 in the middle of winter, but y'know, i've never taken any of that out on the ones i love....but YOU are becoming the abuser and you can't or won't see it. hell, you're even victim blaming in the thread title and now you're upset because he doesn't want a lovely massage..
you were prescribed AD but never took them, so how much help are you willing to give yourself?
i concur with pp that have advised removing yourself from the situation and getting the help that your family needs and deserves

diddl · 23/01/2017 14:33

Hang on, you all visit the brothers who bullied you?

Why?

PickAChew · 23/01/2017 14:36

He was upset over the fact that he had to still take the dc to school.

And that could so easily have been avoided.

You know, when you're in a relationship with someone you're supposed to love, you're supposed to treat them with kindness and respect every day - or at least aim for that (it's sometimes with the aid of deep breaths in the best of relationships).

My ex warned me, when we started out together, that he wasn't easy to live with. I should have bloody listened because he took the fact that he'd told me that as a bloody cop out every single time he went off on a rant, stomped his feet or broke stuff. I should at least have walked the day that I snapped and threw something back at him. It would have saved me a good decade of shite.

Your DH has done nothing to deserve all the ire you've saved up from your past. He is not your whipping boy. I'm hoping that, one way or another, he's not going to endure another 10 years of your sniping.

Happybunny19 · 23/01/2017 14:38

Ffs despite much advice you are still wallowing in self pity. Try a bit harder to stop thinking about how awful this is for you and think about the ones you are supposed to love and the affect your behaviour is having on them. I think if you could think of your dh and dcs before yourself half the battle would be over.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2017 14:38

"Dh and I still go to visit [the abusive brothers] and ironically they love him. But I still hate them all."
WHAT. THE. FUCK?

LadyDawn · 23/01/2017 14:41

In my humble opinion, I believe that if you act the way you wish to be, you can become that person. It just starts off with small things. Just think, when a situation arises, 'how would the person I want to be like act? Or 'what would that person I aspire to be like do?' Then try doing that yourself, and slowly but surely you can become that person. This is something I try to work on myself anyway.

GinIsIn · 23/01/2017 14:44

This is all still about you. You aren't going to become a better person for your DC or your DH until it stops being all about you.

toptoe · 23/01/2017 14:45

I would recommend going back to counselling, but this time doing some talking therapy with a pyschotherapist (you can find one on counselling directory on internet).

The anger you have may be learnt behaviour, but it is also quite probably latent anger due to how you feel about what was done to you. I also think you are probably very short fused as you're on high alert, judging others' behaviour to get ready for what might come your way and also probably getting angry with yourself because you are once again cocking up.

Make a promise to yourself that you are going to look after yourself, and that the next time you hear that voice telling you you need to be angry you are going to tell that voice to be quiet and remove yourself from the situation. It's about looking after yourself and not letting those abusive voices tell you how to behave.

I would also stop visiting people who are abusive to you, or have been and haven't apologised. I wouldn't expect an apology from them either. You need to think: would I expect my child to go round their bully's house and be polite to them? No, your dc would not want to. So why should you?

AQuietMind · 23/01/2017 14:46

If one of Your dc were in a relationship with someone like you op, What advice would you give them?

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 14:46

I know my last post reads like me me me. I probably am wallowing a bit. It is something that repeatedly crops up though, in our conversations as well. I go to visit my terminally ill mother and they're always there so they get to see me and dh and the kids a lot. I don't go to their houses and never will. I don't like that dh has a good relationship with them either .

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 23/01/2017 14:49

OP all I get from you is poor me, I can't help being horrible
I grew up in a shouting household
Therefore I don't shout at people
Yes I feel like it sometimes but I walk away if red mist descends

Do you have some weird idea that family should be tolerated no matter what? Stop seeing the family who abused you, and never forget that your DH and kids will dump you if you carry on this way.

Print this thread and take it to a therapist
The lack of self awareness is amazing. You do sound just like my dad - now 78 and scared of his children going NC when his wife dies. That is not the future you want is it?

One poster mentions moving abroad - I wish I had but didn't want to leave my mum.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2017 14:50

Op now you're just playing the victim/martyr card for sympathy. Your an adult, as a previous poster said, own uour actions. I have a shit childhood, if you wanted to compete, I'd probably trump you, but I keep control of my anger and actions, for the simple reason I care for and love the people round me, and I have too much self respect to behave badly.

You clearly can control it because you have done in the past. As adults we are responsible for our own behaviour, no one else is to blame and no one else is responsible for how we behave.

Atenco · 23/01/2017 14:51

Can I take vitamin B complex while pregnant

Ask your doctor. I didn't realise you are pregnant and while I have never heard of any adverse effects in pregnant women, I am not qualified to give an opinion.

cheesecadet · 23/01/2017 14:54

I used to be like you (due to the way my mother was with me and I didn't know anything different) but I've trained myself to be different for the sake of healthy relationships. It's definitely possible for you to do it. You can't use it as an excuse forever, you'll lose him for good.

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