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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry dh threw cup of tea

394 replies

cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 12:30

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed Shock

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 23/01/2017 12:53

Be honest, you were being horrible. Maybe not shouting and screaming but keeping on with him and generally being a pain in the arse. He was ill, you weren't helping him much at all, you've a history of anger and nastiness and you're surprised he lost his temper? Come on, no-one can be that self-absorbed surely.

CupofTeaTime · 23/01/2017 12:54

I'd have thrown the tea at you never mind on the bed! Sounds like you were horrible to him when he's not well and he's had enough. He's gone into work when ill rather than be at home with you. Doesn't that tell you something OP.

PovertyPain · 23/01/2017 12:54

I'm so glad no one is saying LTB. Op, if you read a thread where the woman reacted to her male partner's long standing anger issues. Would you be more understanding. You're marriage is not going to survive unless you grow up and get your temper under control. I'm surprised your husband hasn't reacted like this sooner. What gives you right to treat your husband with such disrespect. That's what you're doing when you snap, grumble or show your anger towards him, just because YOU can't control your temper.

gamerchick · 23/01/2017 12:54

Evidently they can..... ^

gamerchick · 23/01/2017 12:55

Xposts

CrispPacket · 23/01/2017 12:55

Maybe when youre feeling calmer write him a letter or text. Living with someone with anger/depression/anxiety and whatever else is extremely difficult (I've experienced it from both sides of the mirror). Maybe he just feels he just cant take anymore and didnt know how to deal with it. You've never thrown stuff in anger?! I have and I dont think I'd class myself with 'anger issues'. I really hope the help youre getting is working OP, keep with it if it is :) Maybe just try and talk things through with your OH...forget about the tea, i know its horrible but its happened and its not the end of the world.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 23/01/2017 12:55

With respect OP, from what you've said he's had many years of your anger aimed at him, the kids, and anyone else. It's exhausting living like that, walking on eggshells constantly, being spoken to like shit (the response to his work joke was shitty) and he's probably had enough.
If you were a man posting this, you'd have been flayed alive on here for the way you've treated him and your kids.
He won't tolerate it forever, he and your children deserve better. Time for you to sort your own issues out and stop having a go at everyone else.

Missushb · 23/01/2017 12:55

Spilt it, an accident- didn't throw as you said in title. It sounds like he is under a lot of stress with you and there will be a breaking point

MusterTheRohirim · 23/01/2017 12:56
  1. You turned on him saying he has a nasty attitude when he didn't behave like you thought he should.
  2. You normally send him awful messages.
  3. You often get angry at him.
It sounds like he has lots of reasons for losing his temper, I'm not quite sure you can be all shocked and self righteous about it.
Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 12:56

The reason why I mentioned my history was to give some context, but I don't think I was being horrible or nasty this morning. Ok I might have been a bit defensive about the work thing, but nothing more than that.

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 23/01/2017 12:56

sorry abou the spelling mistakes. 😳

PaterPower · 23/01/2017 12:57

I'd see what his reaction is when he gets home (try and ignore it or apologise to you). It does sound a bit petty, but he didn't threaten or actually attempt to hurt you, and he didn't break anything as such so he showed some control.

You say you've never done anything at the same level, but surely that's in the eye of the recipient to judge? One person's heated argument is another's emotional abuse. He may think it's small potatoes compared to what he's been subjected to. Doesn't excuse it, but context can be key.

It does sound like you need to talk this through and he could do with getting some help to cope with your previous / ongoing behaviour. He may well feel trapped and powerless, particularly if you have kids together - the thought of not seeing them regularly would be a massive inhibitor for leaving, leading to a lot of pent up stress.

Ask him to talk through - calmly - what made him think that was the right response.

gamerchick · 23/01/2017 12:58

You think years of abuse can be erased just like that? It doesn't matter if you weren't angry.

He's went to work to get away from you. Maybe you should focus on that or you'll end up losing everything.

ElspethFlashman · 23/01/2017 12:58

Oh come on. It had been building for a while.

I could be way off, but this is how I imagine it went down:

You wouldn't take the kids to school even though he felt like shit and that bothered him but he said nothing for a quiet life, he came home to collapse in front of the TV for an hour and you kept asking questions, he jokingly hinted that you should know this shit, you answered really really snottily and (I suspect) flounced off to the bedroom and the atmosphere turned pretty shitty.

He thought "fuck this shit, I'm not hanging around for her to get irritated with me all day, I feel too crap to deal with it today". You got quite irate and told him he was ungrateful. He lost the head.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 23/01/2017 12:58

Well, mostly everyone else on here disagrees with you saying you weren't being horrible. Denial won't help you or your marriage.

stitchglitched · 23/01/2017 12:59

'It's just that usually he reacts to my anger but this time I wasn't angry'

He reacted to you telling him he wasn't grateful and had an attitude- was that you not being angry?

scottishdiem · 23/01/2017 13:00

OP - the thing is it doesnt need to be a set piece progression seen in isolation. He could have been holding it in for days (being ill not helping) and one word wrong from you (which you probably wont realise what it was cause it would have been very minor) has broken the dam. A final little drip in a sea of anger and distress. It was not todays little thing that caused the tea, it was everything leading up to it including putting your DH in a bad place mentally which then causes a little thing to be a major thing.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 13:01

pater I've never thought of it like that, where he feels trapped because of the kids.

That's a really awful thought, I always just assumed he loved me despite my issues. And I know I'm hard to live with, I'm working on it and it is helping. I've actually not reacted to his outburst at all and I've not made any further contact with him whereas normally I would be fuming at him down the phone and screaming and swearing. I know that's awful and horrible to live with but I'm changing it and I'm not proud of it Sad

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 23/01/2017 13:01

The fact that you don't think you were being nasty is illuminating.

You clearly have no gauge of what the rest of us find stressful behaviour in others.

GivenupSocialmediaNOTMN · 23/01/2017 13:02

I'd say he's had enough.

HandbagCrazy · 23/01/2017 13:03

OP you are still angry at the moment so I think you're focusing on him flinging the tea on the bed,
You have a temper - think about when you get angry. Do things build up and annoy you and then you lose control? My guess is that too an outsider, that would look like getting angry quickly over nothing but to you, it's about more than just that moment.

I think your DH was happy to be looked after by you, but today you jumped on the defensive when he made a throw away comment about the admin job. You thought it was minor niggling but he felt like you were snapping. Then when he told you that, instead of stopping to consider if you were snapping at all, you basically told him he isn't being grateful enough for you looking after him.
If I was unwell, I would be very annoyed if DH expected my eternal thanks for looking after me, and for me to tell him repeatedly that I'm grateful. I think for you it was more a way to deflect from the fact that you had upset him by snapping.

I am not surprised he lost his temper and I don't think it's fair that you're using the fact that your anger is a long-standing issue to excuse yourself whilst simultaneously trying to paint him as awful for his actions.
No he shouldn't have thrown the tea on the bed and flounced off, but at the same time, I can see why he felt frustrated and would rather be at work than at home.

purplefizz26 · 23/01/2017 13:04

This sounds like a toxic horrible situation to be living with, especially for your kids.

You sound like really hard work, and if you want to stay in your relationship you need to sort yourself out.

To me, your OP reads like you were being a pain in the arse bothering him and making him take the kids to school when he was ill and he snapped. Your title makes it sound like he chucked a hot drink at someone, not spilled it onto the bed. Deliberately or not, it's not the same is it.

You say you are working on it, but what are you actually doing? Because you can guarantee if it was the man being angry and aggressive, it would be all 'LTB' and don't look back.

It sounds like he is at the end of his tether and I don't blame him.

GinIsIn · 23/01/2017 13:08

Going purely by what you have said here, no embellishment: He made a joke, you were unpleasant and defensive when you know he's ill, then you demanded that he be grateful and now you're shocked and fuming that he got upset at that and spilled tea?

You need to apologise and take further steps with your behaviour because whatever you have been doing is not enough.

NavyandWhite · 23/01/2017 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel · 23/01/2017 13:09

The poor man has been abused by you for years.

He's sick.

You got him to take the kids to school.

You threw being nice to him for one day back at him.

You followed him when he tried to walk away.

He's going into work sick because that's preferable to being around you...

And you're annoyed about the tea. Wow.

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