Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

Oh well done. I thought you should not do anything w your family and just visit your sis and care for her and you. But, you sound like you handled contacting them really well. Importantly, by protecting yourself as well as engaging w them. Please please keep putting yourself first on your list of you engage w them again, dealing with abusive and dysfunctional people is hard and everyone slips into their allotted roles far too easily.

Try to cut contact back please, for yourself and your own family's wellbeing.

cup you've brought tears to my eyes how you have taken everyone's comments and not reacted negatively at all but with openness and honesty and appreciation. Lube asked for help and honesty going forward from ppl for a continued independent view. Your DH sounds as if he is being supportive. And you've achieved all this change with your past and your pg hormonal fluctuations in such a short time.

I hope you do continue to post as I would love to follow your journey.

lube - arghhh autocorrect where did that come from should be you*

Thank you so much everyone for all your lovely warm replies. It really means a lot and is really helping me to stay on track.

I've been a bit shouty today because I've had one dc at home faking illness , who then proceeded to draw all over furniture/rug/toys in bright blue marker while I was in the shower, tenant issues & school issues. And bloody homework wars.

Dh has come home stressed out from work having had a bad day.

I've spent the whole entire day cleaning up after the 'poorly' dc and then dealing with all the various issues. I'm currently sat in the kitchen on a footstool with the door closed.

And searching for holidays for the half term, which is making me feel much better

Good coping strategies! Hiding out in the kitchen and planning holidays is a good distraction.
Hide all the felt tip pens and markers... they were real forbidden stuff in my house, along with nail varnish!
Some days stink, for everyone.

Youve been a bit shouty because a 'poorly' dc has drawn over everything with a marker pen...yeah I think I'd be pretty blooming shouty too
Really hope this thread is helping you keep balanced and level :) Sorry nothing too 'helpful' to add just a hug and total understanding :)

Ooh yes pickle forgot to add she got to a bottle of nail varnish as well

Dcs dinners done, just me and dh to go now and then I can relax and unwind !

Thanks crisp I think I would have been much shoutier but I've managed to rein it in and just breathe, stop and think mostly before opening my mouth and walk away for short bursts while cleaning up the chaos.. it's resulted in an evening of happy and calm dc, a dh who has been able to unwind properly when he got in because the atmosphere isn't tense, and a relaxed me! So much better x

You're doing brilliantly OP - well done

Morning all

Usually we go to my mums on Saturday. Actually, we've been doing that for the past 8 years. Every single Saturday, dh comes homes from work and we leave immediately.
We've had a few Saturdays here and there where we havnt been but for the vast vast majority of the time, we are there on a Saturday.

I'm wondering if dh has wanted to go every single one of those Saturdays. Sure he gets on with my family and enjoys spending time (especially with my sister and her husband who we're very close to). But I wonder if for the most part, he's done it to please me and made it look like he's enjoying himself?

I'm wondering what we could have done as a family - just the four of us - if we hadn't gone there so religiously. The memories we could have gathered doing different things, just the four of us. I feel a little bit of regret beginning to grow inside me.
So yday evening dc1 (almost 8) said I don't want to go to grandmas tomorrow, I want to do something different ' dh said we won't go there, we'll do something fun, just us four'. I agreed.

Today will be a happy day. Today will be a relaxed and calm day. Today i will spend time with just my family, enjoy their company and be thankful that I have them in my life.

That might be a bit of a challenge, if it's a routine you are familiar with. If you do get a bit tetchy, remind yourself it's not the people you are irritated with, it's the change of routine.

Have a lovely day!

Have a lovely day with your family OP .

introverted thank you

pickle I'm open to it. Although I do keep catching myself thinking 'we might as well just go because that's what we do on a Saturday!' I'm trying to break out of that Saturday habit but it's really hard to be honest. I think even dh has become so used to spending his Saturdays there that he's at a bit of a loss what to do otherwise!

We need positive family role models in our life and my family are not it. I'm trying to hang on to this crucial point.

I think doing something different on a Saturday is a really positive step

Maybe you could introduce the change gradually, so to begin with you still spend every other Saturday at your mum's, then spend one Saturday a month? Depending on how it goes you can phase it out completely or not.

But I agree that the dynamics of your family of origin are not healthy, and it will certainly do you and your own family good to take time for yourselves

A little detachment can only be good cup, for all of you. Make new "traditions" and by doing so you will be making new memories.

I sense a lot of confusion from you towards your family. You have accepted how much they have affected and influenced you in a bad way. Yet on the other hand, you seem to need them in your life. Working with a counsellor will help you find the right balance.

I love reading about your love for your husband and kids. They are your future. All the rest is the past.

@cupofteainbed you're doing brilliantly. Congratulations on the scan pics and handling things like you did with your dh. Sorry about your sister. If you ever want to chat do pm me but you're doing brilliantly.

It worked as mum, one sister and one brother and sister in law went to visit, today another two siblings. I'm really happy she'll be getting regular visitors

This makes me very very uncomfortable. It wasn't up to you to guilt them into going. They get to decide whether they want contact or not, not you. Did your sister specifically request contact from them, or did you just take it upon yourself to push people into doing something they didn't want to do?
You KNEW they didn't want to go. You get to decide personally what you want to do in these scenarios, that's it. And feeling like you want to abuse people for making different choices isn't normal.

Did you call and ask if you could visit her, or did you just turn up? This is the stuff of nightmares for people who've chosen to go no contact.

Just popping in again, pleased to see your keeping everything ticking along! :) re the visiting thing, I see both sides like if they don't want to visit then its better they don't but at the same time they bloody well should...hard one. Hope your sister is feeling as okay as she can right now.
Have you gad a lovely Saturday?

KMC have you personally dealt with any MH issues?...

About the visiting thing : I didn't force anyone or manipulate anyone into going. It wasn't self serving. Family members do advise each other and that's what I did. The ones who decided after that conversation that they should go, did. Those that didn't, still didn't go. I think my sister was more than happy to have her family around her, and since I know the reasons why she went NC, I thought she would appreciate family there and she did. I don't think I did anything wrong at all in this scenario and it worked out.

Gosh that was a bit of a slapping out of nowhere, wasn't it!

Hang in there, cup of tea. Your extended family does seem very intense and volatile, which I think is confusing people. I couldn't function in contact with that kind of extreme emotion- I'm a long way the other way. No raised voices and I f I mentioned I was 'a bit disappointed' that would be a major telling off!

You and your family will work out a way of being that suits you all, if you stay calm and listen to each other.

The ones who decided after that conversation that they should go, did. Those that didn't, still didn't go.

You were clearly informed about other people's decisions and didn't accept it . How many times did your mum say no?

I had got on the phone to mum AGAIN after calming myself down and said I think you should go today. This is after a conversation with dh who said mum should go too, there's no reason why anyone can't or shouldn't go. . Then I spoke to my sisters and said everyone should go, all of us

I don't think I did anything wrong at all in this scenario and it worked out.
I think my sister was more than happy, I thought she would appreciate family there .It really made me imagine how she must be feeling.

The trouble here is that you thought, you think and you imagine. You don't actually know because you didn't ask. Did you contact the hospital before you visited asking if it was ok to visit or did you just show up? Did sister, or her husband actually contact anyone directly and invite anyone to the hospital? Have they actually had any say at all in this?

About finding the school runs stressful & the social situations too noisy, I feel the exact same way. I absolutely avoid school runs unless impossible to avoid. I find myself having lost all my energy first thing in the morning if I do a school drop - it's all the stress over time, traffic, parking, meeting people without warning at the gates, having a late start to work - all things I hate! Hence I choose to pay for the school bus which picks up from our doorstep. It's expensive but saves me so much time & stress that it's totally worth it. Not recommending this as a solution, just saying I feel the same way! And yes I avoid all situations with masses of kids in a room - beyond my ability to stay sane!!

oddsocks - her dh did call the family yes, and I did call the hospital before I visited, yes. She clearly wanted us to be there and that's why we went. Why else would we go?

And yes, my mother did need convincing and she was very glad that I spoke to her about it and she went. You have no idea of my family dynamic so please don't project or make assumptions without having a clue what you're talking about.

pickle tell me about it! I'm going to carry on with this thread regardless. It's helping me and it's helping my family and that can only be a good thing !

Pickle you did say today would be a challenge and you were right. Before this thread I did not realise how much routine meant to me, it's only after the replies on this thread that I'm beginning to understand that part of myself a lot better. workaholic Dh did come home late from work and we had kind of planned having some family time so that couldn't happen, but since he's self employed it's hard to avoid at times. He did ask me if I wanted to go to mums but I said no, so we went out to eat with the dc instead which was nice. My bug has gotten a lot worse though so after having some paracetamol I'm lying on the sofa feeling absolutely totally wiped out and nauseous (pregnancy related) at the same time