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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry dh threw cup of tea

394 replies

cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 12:30

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed Shock

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 13:09

handbag and scottish I understand what you're saying and it makes sense.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 23/01/2017 13:11

My mum is like this. Snapping, criticising, goading constantly. Then when inevitably the goadee bites back, if his voice is even slightly raised she does 'protective hands' and says stop it, you're scaring me etc.

If you live by the sword you die by it, my parents have now separated which they should have done decades ago. It's pretty shit having a front row seat to this ghastly pantomime.

Thinkingofausername1 · 23/01/2017 13:13

I think it sounds like you were looking for an argument. Maybe you didn't feel he appreciated you looking after him. Don't send him any texts until he contacts you.
Anger does damage relationships; I've been there. Have you got any rl friends you can vent out too?

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 13:14

I know morris. I realise that , that's why I'm changing it.

I just thought today's reaction from him was very odd because we were not in the middle of a blazing row.
But I understand about it being the last straw. I just feel as though when I've finally realised and am making a massive effort to change, it's too late Sad

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 23/01/2017 13:14

He told her he appreciated it and felt loved.

Probably to stop her kicking off about it!

I hope he finds the strength to leave.

This is one time I wish the thread was a reverse.

smearedinfood · 23/01/2017 13:15

Instead of finger pointing it might be better to change the conversation.

Have you thought about going to counselling together?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 23/01/2017 13:16

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming

So it is ok when you behave like this but you are 'fuming' when he does and 'shocked' because he obviously doesn't behave like this normally - he must be at the end of his tether. Poor man.

He probably took the kids to school, when he was ill, to keep the peace. He is probably walking on eggshells all the time, frightened you're going to kick off.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 13:16

And yes I shouldn't have made the nasty attitude comment. I suppose I'm so used to being , well, abusive Sad that a comment like 'nasty attitude' doesn't seem that bad.

OP posts:
AliceInUnderpants · 23/01/2017 13:16

You keep saying you are changing. What are you doing?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/01/2017 13:18

all I can say as a fellow angry nut case- FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND ADRESSING YOUR ANGER

by that I mean don't try and analyse others, its very healthy you have recognised this but try and now move on proactively address this .

so don't even think about him, or try and blame him, clean your own house first if that makes sense?

also living with someone angry, makes you angry

and you say you send abusive texts, that's no worst than dropping a cup of tea on a bed!

I am still really angry muthfucker, this thread has made me realise I have more work to do

PollytheDolly · 23/01/2017 13:18

OP. You're being a bit hypocritical here.

I went through a period of anger, couldn't understand myself, never been like it in my life! Went to docs got ADs and started counselling (ex forces so I got in within a week) which helped but I so didn't want to be like that. I was ashamed of myself but I couldn't control my outbursts. My poor DH2b. Yes and sometimes he had enough and reacted back. Christ, they're only human.

Through process of elimination and then my BFriend seeing an article on hormonal contraceptives and sending it to me the lightbulb went on. Ditched the bloody stuff the day I read it and went back to normal within a few weeks. Just like the day I started taking it within weeks I'd changed into an arsehole but I was determined not to be like that.

Do something about yourself OP and give him a break.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 13:18

alice I'm in cbt and have had some counselling to deal with some past issues it didn't help .

I've been raised in a very hostile, aggressive and angry family and the only time I was actually listened to or heard was when I was kicking off majorly. I know that's no excuse for my behaviour but it is what it is. I just find it so hard to be different.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 23/01/2017 13:19

You should leave.

Seriously. Leave and get proper help.

I don't think abusers change by being allowed to continue on with life as normal and have their victims have to put up with it because they're "trying".

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2017 13:19

You say you have anger issues. He also sounds pretty angry to me. I don't know if that's because he's ill or because he's got issues too. I'm just wondering if working on you is not the only thing you will need to address. I think you're perhaps going to also need to look at how you both end up in a dynamic where tempers are frayed and by the sound of it neither of you is backing down thus leading to things being thrown or kicked. It's very easy for other people to just say it's 100% your issue without addressing their own issues as well. I know this having been the family scapegoat, where I was made to take my mothers emotions and anger from an early age and ended up acting them out. I was then deemed the "mad" and out of control one. As I say. Just wondering.

Lorelei76 · 23/01/2017 13:21

Oh you sound awful
Maybe it is too late, if he was my friend id tell him to leave
I have been very low contact with my dad because of his anger, only in touch due to my mum. He managed to vaguely mumble a hint of an apology the other day but that's because he's scared mum will die - she is ill - and then I could go NC.
That's what anger does. He might love you in spite of it but he might still want to move on and have a happy life. Good luck to him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2017 13:21

Walter - that's rather ott. And rather a drama queen response.

gamerchick · 23/01/2017 13:21

And your kids are learning what from this house of blazing rows......?

You can change the future, when you stop blaming the past. The past is done, it's what you do now that counts.

scottishdiem · 23/01/2017 13:21

I think then OP you need to say sorry to you DH. Apologise and not look for him to do so as well. He will, I suspect, be embarrassed about the tea and may have even had a wee cry in private in the car. I know I did in this situation. I dont think I would even mention it and if he does just say that you are sorry for being angry.

If you are getting support to change, is he getting support as well. He needs to be able to release in a controlled way - otherwise you get the tea spilling. He, frankly, needs to be able to shout that its not fucking fair, hes done his best and doesnt know what to do. Cause thats what he is feeling.

You need to think this, everytime you get angry - is this anger worth my marriage and my children? He would have a very strong case for custody.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 13:27

scottish I've just apologised by text.

It definitely isn't worth my marriage or children.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 23/01/2017 13:28

I still don't understand wether he through the cup or hit a pile of things that hit the cup ? I suppose one is slightly more aggressive than the other

Your getting a lot of stick on here op but I imagine if you'd posted this as the other way round your dh would be .

Anger is not justified because the other person is also angry but I get the impression your dh is fed up ! Perhaps he hoped you would take the kids to school but he daren't say that for fear of one of your outbursts ?? If you treat people like that for long enough then even when you try to change they will struggle to see the good in you untill you prove yourself !!

The fact he noticed and commented how loved he felt yesterday shows that he must not normally feel like that

Talk to him . Reiterate that you are making steps to change but you will have to prove yourself and it will take time . Your lucky he is still around tbh

Jaysis · 23/01/2017 13:29

You've had a small taste of what you are like to live with. What your partner and children have to put up with daily from you. Not pleasant, is it? Have a good long think about that.

Why do you expect that you get off scott free for you behaving towards others abusively yet clamber on a high horse of outrage if someone dares treat you badly.

smearedinfood · 23/01/2017 13:29

I think you may need to find the right counsellor - please try again. You have children. I grew up with an angry Mum, I avoid her. I moved country. I can only cope with her through letters or telephone calls. My siblings do to.

ATailofTwoKitties · 23/01/2017 13:29

He sounds to me like a man whose every scrap of control, in that moment, went into spilling the tea rather than chucking the whole cup at you.

I say this because some years back, when DH was ill, depressed, anxious, endlessly irritable, clingy to the point of suffocation... he said one more wrong thing while I was ironing. And I had just enough self-control, in that moment, to fling the half-ironed shirt at his head, and not the iron itself.

It was horrible. I'm ashamed of it. But at least he wasn't injured, and nor were you.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 23/01/2017 13:31

Sounds like he has reached the end of his tether. Your behaviour and words to him were unpleasant and if that is you working on your anger I dread to think how you were treating him before.

Completely agree.

You are abusive to your DC and DH.

SplendorSolis · 23/01/2017 13:33

The reason he reacted today, despite what you describe as less provocation than normal, is the last straw effect. Sometimes some tiny tiny thing is all it takes to bring things to a head. Sounds like the situation is really stressful for both of you but he's got the additional pressure of trying to stay calm amid your admitted anger issues. Think about it a bit: you're pregnant, moving house, angry and then on top he's sick therefore with lower resistance. Despite this he took the kids to school, decided to stay home from work and rest but for whatever reason you seem to resent him doing this - as if he had one day sick and being looked after so shouldn't need another? Then you go on at him about work stuff, yes, he snapped and no wonder. He spilled the tea, maybe deliberately maybe not but either way I don't blame him, you seem to think you deserve a pat on the back for not sending abusive texts or phone calls. If the situations here were reversed the advice from many users would be LTB.