Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

Not enough time to read 16 pages, sorry CupOfTea. The unkind responses to your post are upsetting. You have gone through too much in your young life. Learn to take care of yourself, not to assume people mean you harm. Then it might be easier to deal with your (understandable) anger

You have no idea of my family dynamic so please don't project or make assumptions without having a clue what you're talking about.

There's no assuming going on. I'm going off your own words.
I didn't force anyone or manipulate anyone into going
And yes, my mother did need convincing

Thank you marchate and ms. I've actually got lots of pms that I still need to reply to.

Today is sunny but very cold still of course. Woken up with a heavier cold than yesterday evening and been getting some pains in my sides so going to take it easy. The dc have been invited to different friends houses for lunch, dh has gone to work and our lovely cleaner lady P' is coming later on to do the ironing for the week ahead.

What's everyone else up to today ?

Im helping ASD/PDA daughter finish her photography GCSE coursework - its not easy because she is so anxious about it that she is refusing to come out of her room and Ive already began to lose my shit at her, then pulled myself back from it, remembering that it may be really frustrating for me, but she isnt doing it on purpose.
Ive put aside the day to help her get it done, so have nothing else to do except listen to the Archers and give my son a bath at bedtime! Trying not to pile too many jobs on myself

Just come back from church. That can be a bit touch and go sometimes as I don't always want to be around people when things are tough. Too intense and intimate when my emotions are raw. But it was great, a few people said some very meaningful things which will reassure me over the next weeks and months.
Later my mum is ringing so I can teach her how to print a document she has written on her iPad. That will be fun!
Enjoy your quiet day. How far along are you, pregnancy wise?

Popping in to say hello and stop the thread falling off my list.

How are you getting on, cup? Hoping your sister is ok, and that a back to normal week is beginning.

Hi pickle , How are you?

All good here, the week has started off smoothly despite lots of coughs and cold.

Had an OK Sunday - was getting stressed having the dc in a tight space (tiny flat) on a wet weekend and not having been out anywhere but then they went to various friends houses and dh and I went out for brunch so that was lovely.

We've booked our holiday for the half term whoop! I'm already planning on what to take mind you there's not much time left!

All else is fine really. Dh is good, the dc are great. The book 'the dance of anger' has arrived this morning. Can't wait to start on it tonight.

Sister is doing really well. She's being transferred to her home town soon, I speak to her on the phone and she's invited me to her house once she's home

Do you know, Elsa must have helped a lot of people! I find it helps to have a little mental picture to help, mine is of 'water off a duck's back'. When someone is giving me trouble I just think of a duck quietly minding its own business. Or a cow patiently chewing the cud and ignoring everything else. Elsa fling her arms about would work too!!

Ooh, you have a lovely holiday, and enjoy that book.

pickle you are so right about Elsa

Dh finished work late and gone to meet brothers so back late - did dinner and clean up and put the dc to bed, just about. Absolutely shattered today, have done some property stuff for dh and a couple of chores, nothing too taxing but God am I tired. Bump is growing and some nausea still lingers not aided by a horrible cough which kept me and dh up most of the night. am now on the sofa with a bag of mini creme eggs trying to ignore the dc talking in their beds

Ooh, mini cream eggs... The only chocolate I've got in is set aside for DHs birthday present. Shame.

Yday we went to mums. It was not a good day.

I had an almost-run in with eldest brother because me, dh, sister and her husband were trying to convince mum to go to hospital as she really wasn't well and was in severe pain. She was ready to go until brother walked in and was being very angry/agressive/dismissive of all our concerns. He then shouted at me using abusive language because I continued to talk to mum about getting ready to go. Mum ended up not going in because he convinced her that 'they'll do nothing for the pain'. I ignored him when he shouted because I didn't want to make a scene with mum already so unwell, and my main concern was mums pain management. He then stormed out, only to reappear and ask dh for a lift to somewhere and back , and then fucked off upstairs and we didn't see him again.

It was a tense atmosphere, my youngest dc wasn't too well and clinging to me, and I'd forgotten the calpol and night time pull up at home, sisters daughter was full out crying because of pain in her ear. Dh and sisters dh went to Asda to buy calpol and pull ups, they brought food for all on the way back as well. The kids had some medicine and settled down. We ate and made tea and sat around for a bit while mum went up to bed. It was just grim though, but that's how it is when we go to visit mum. It's just unavoidable because this brother and another one live with her and they are so unsupportive, yet she looks to them to be the leaders and decision makers and when they're clearly wrong she'll still go along with them. It's so so frustrating for the rest of us, and I just get so worked up and snapped at dh twice during the evening when us four were talking about the whole thing. Reading this thread back I do realise just how much I needed dh there, and how much of a support he was. The whole way home I just kept thinking and rethinking the whole evening. As soon as we got in, I ran to the bathroom and was spectacularly sick. All night I dreamt of mum dying and the brothers being awful in the aftermath. Which I completely anticipate.

By the time I woke up today, dh had been to work and was already back home. He's whizzed around and done a clean, made breakfast and ran a bath for the dc. I havnt called mum yet to ask how the night went because I know she's going to say I hardly slept for the pain, and I know im going to get really impatient and frustrated at her not going to hospital. My head feels all over the place.

Its really hard when you are trying to help someone but they dont help themself, and it all goes tits up the way you expected.

Does your mum look after your brother? Is he used to having all the attention?

I just say this as we have a similar situation with my MIL, although it is FIL who goes around controlling and sabotaging stuff to help her - he hates the change, hates having to fend for himself if she is ill (although he likes all the sympathetic attention from others that he can take) and he hates her having the attention of others. He thinks her role is to look after him, and concentrate solely on him, so anything that threatens that is very difficult.

My DP has just been for an ASD diagnosis and he was worried about his interaction with FIL, who psychologist suspects has NPD. He said a very important thing, that works well with ANYONE who is abusive or difficult. He told us that there was nothing we could do about the other people, or the way that other people reacted. The only thing we can do is to be in control of our own reactions. So with FIL we know that he is going to do/say something, but we dont know what it will be. We cant change this, and in many ways it doesnt matter what it is. He compared it to a tennis match - he says you are waiting for him to bat that ball over to you, and normally you would bat it back in panic or anger, which is what he wants, and it gives him satisfaction and power over you because he feels he can control you.
But the moment that ball is in your side, YOU have all the power. You dont have to bat it back. You can completely ignore it. You can take it away to think about it. You can leave it lying on the ground and walk away. You can understand that its just a stupid ball on the ground and you dont need to play the game. FIL is 80. He wont change. He wont think he is right, but there is no reason to give him any power to hurt you.

also you coped really well. You didnt lose your temper. You dealt with the upset child. It was grim but you survived.

Thank you nettle* - I really liked the example of the tennis ball. I do need to train my brain to start believing that ignoring or walking away from such a situation is a win and not feeling that feeling of being overpowered, if you see what I mean.

Something happened that reminded me of this post yesterday and I spent most of my evening trying to find it. I eventually did but then fell asleep halfway through reading it so I've just finished reading the whole thread now.

I wanted to post on here and update everyone - all the amazing people who replied with really thoughtful, helpful and caring messages. I wanted to let you know that they helped in more ways than you can imagine, and I wanted to update you on my life.

Reading my posts back now, I realise how detached I sounded, almost as though I was viewing my life from outside of my body, a kind of numbness that enveloped me during that part of my life. I know now it was a coping mechanism. I didn't feel anything during that time except anger, fury. My mum was losing her battle with cancer, and she eventually did that year in June 2017. My dc3 was born three weeks later. We delayed the house move that year - I had a kind of mental health breakdown six months later so very thankful that we stayed put for that year - and developed serious anxiety/depression. It was tough going, between dh and I - as you all know he was already at the end of his tether, and at times he did check out from supporting me and buried himself at work and I was alone in my grief. But only briefly; he always made sure he was around physically if not emotionally at times, and I totally understand how difficult it will have been for him. But we've got through it, together. That's what counts.

Looking back, I realise I was taking on a lot of the family anger - old anger, new anger, old learnt habits and changing family dynamics with mums terminal cancer. The family dynamics changed further after we lost mum. Having already lost dad years before that, it's now just us siblings and it's down to individual relationships. Essentially , I have good relationships with those I have a bond with and NC with those I don't and I am happy with the way things are. I have also learnt how to place firm boundaries not only with my own family but also dhs, and there is no more toxic shit from the in laws.

The baby I was pregnant with in my original post is now 4 years old and she is the most beautiful and happy little thing on earth and I love her with all my being! Alongside my other dc of course

We moved house in 2018 and it's beautiful - a proper beautiful family home and we couldn't be happier here. We bake, we cook together, we do movie nights, we fight too of course but we have our own family days now on Saturdays and our own traditions. Dh still works too much and hes still a grumpy sod at times-the dc still sometimes have the odd crazy afternoon with a stray marker pen/paintbrush but this is my own precious little world, and my own precious family who I adore beyond measure.

Life is not perfect but it's a million miles from my original post, and I guess I just hoped some of the really lovely posters would see my update and I'd get to say thank you

I'm happy to hear you're doing much better OP ❤️

What a lovely update @cupofteainbed ! I am very sorry you've lost your Mum to cancer. Congrats on your daughter! Yay on your née home. I'm so glad things are much better.

'New' home sorry for typo