Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

Why didn't you take the kids to school?

Firstly I think you needed to be a little more sympathetic to your dH, especially since, as you said, it's a rare occurence for him to take time off on sick leave. It would have been better if you had taken the children to school. It would have been nice if you had insisted he stay wrapped up on the sofa and you had made the cup of tea instead, and just generally made a little fuss over him. After the above two actions, you would probably have not come across as snappish as your dH would have been happier and felt cared for, and maybe your attitude would have been softer too. After the angry tea-flinging, you should definitely be messaging your dH apologising for him getting upset (maybe he was upset because he felt uncared for/no sympathy from you? People in general react harsher when they feel unwell). Soften up a little. He's your dH. Treat him the best you can.

"so how did he get so angry and so fast? "

He was off sick & you asked him to take the kids to school-why?

What would you have done if he had said no?

He was trying to rest & you kept talking to him.

Then you shouted at him for going to work& not being grateful that you looked after him-despite this-"He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved."

Poor sod!

Sounds like he was really angry when he was throwing things around. And you didn't like him being angry and lashing out one little bit. Does that give you some empathy about what it's like to live with you?

Personally, if I felt too ill to go to work, I would be too ill to take kids to school. Why did you ask him to take kids to school? Does he do things you ask him to, to avoid a scene?

I think you need to get right to the bottom of your behaviour, it sounds like you are manipulating him through fear of your anger, which is not a good place for either of you to be in.

You have mentioned you have issues controlling your anger, how is your DH usually? Blazing rows take two people.

It sounds like he gave you a taste of your own medicine, OP. He probably realised today that your problems are not just with explosive anger, as you were even horrible to him when not angry. How dare you say he was ungrateful and had a nasty attitude?! I feel angry with you on his behalf. At least it does finally seem to be dawning on you how horrible you can be, though. Hopefully he won't ever have to explode and pour tea over the bed again.

The straw the broke the donkey's back...

I bet he's kept things to himself for a very long time. He was/is feeling unwell. Yet, was still expected to take the children to school. Which by the sound of things you could of done OP? So why didn't you? Can he only be ill when it's convenient to you.

Maybe he feels you are not getting better? Maybe he feels trapped and suffocated and doesn't know what will set you off next?

But it's OK? Because you are getting help? Where's his help?

I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude.

I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages ... thought I was the one with issues.

Jeez, OP, I haven't RTFT but you sound completely lacking in self-awareness and empathy here. Why did your op do the school run if he was unwell?

Hasn't it occurred to you that if he's been dealing with the fallout of your anger and living with it for years that he might have reached the end of his tether??

If this had been posted by a man, many peope would be saying LTB.

Sounds like you're used to having everything revolving around you and can't stand it when your h shows anger. Isn't he allowed to show his emotions? His anger? You sound really hard work.

mummy if you think it's dramatic then you are minimising the affect of OP's abuse.

Thankfully you are in the minority.

But there are always posters who will defend a female no matter what. I suspect you're one of them.

Meanwhile you only have to read the posts from people who lived with this as children to see that it can and does cause lasting damage.

Good luck on trying to resolve this, and well done to being open enough to come here and listen to what others are writing.
I think you need to send him a nice text now, just say you are sorry he felt so unhappy at home that he went to work sick instead.
Start walking on eggshells to save your relationship.
only focus on improving yourself, and good luck once again

normally I would be fuming at him down the phone and screaming and swearing. I know that's awful and horrible to live with

Yes, it is. It really is. Your poor dh. Whatever you have been doing to deal with your anger and your abuse (because that's what it is), it clearly isn't enough.

Has he replied to your text OP?

Yes he's replied.

He was upset over the fact that he had to still take the dc to school.

your poor husband-he sounds like he's really had enough of your behaviour op. he was very restrained considering the way you have been behaving.
Why didn't you take the kids to school?

Walter - that's rather ott. And rather a drama queen response.

I completely disagree.

Minimising the way the OP has admitted to treating her DC and DH isn't on.

you wanted gratitude after looking after him for one day?
maybe his gratitude disintegrated when you started sniping at him, or maybe he felt resentful that you made him get up and take the kids to school when he obviously wasn't up to it.
it sounds to me like the only person allowed to behave like a toddler and have tantrums is you. i pity your family, especially your DH & DC.
you sound like my SD. he was an arsehole as well

You seem to think that you are the one who has the role of having 'anger issues' (that is one way of saying 'abusive nightmare' and you are utterly bemused by him stepping out of his role of punchbag.

If this is as unusual as it seems I would say you are very lucky that he hasn't blown sooner.

You talk a lot about getting help for your 'anger issues' but it doesn't ring true. Sounds like you think you are the victim.

Your house doesn't sound like fun to grow up in.

"Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved."

So the disappointment when you reverted to type today was probably the last straw.

"He was upset over the fact that he had to still take the dc to school."

Why did he have to?
Why couldn't he tell you that he was still ill (hence why off work) & would you do it?
Why wouldn't you just do it because he was off sick?

I was genuinely unaware that he was upset about taking the dc to school and I'm actually surprised because he seemed OK about it. But I guess he probably just did it to keep the peace - I see that now from the various replies on this thread.

I don't know why I didn't take them! I should have. I guess I just felt like he was ok now. I don't know. This thread is making me a look a lot worse than I am honestly !

What really sticks out to me about this is that you said he had a nasty attitude and wasn't sufficiently grateful, and to you that wasn't even a particularly unpleasant or nasty comment. Wow.

It sounds like something you'd say to a child. (And even to a child it would be abusive and counterproductive.) It also sounds like you expect fawning gratitude for the normal back-and-forth teamwork of marriage. And he had already said - quite effusively by your account - that he felt very grateful for your looking after him! Yet a fairly minor thing, and you spoke to him with such disrespect and contempt, and by your standards it was just normal.

I don't know what to say really. I know I couldn't live with you. I think your problems go so deep that you are going to have to work really, really hard if you are going to be able to maintain a relationship with anyone who isn't a glutton for punishment. I think you need to get into some major anger management, posthaste. Anything else just isn't cutting it. I think you and your DH also need some joint counselling, ASAP, from someone experienced in handling these issues, perhaps even from a family therapist, because your children are no doubt suffering from this too.

If your husband were writing, I would be strongly advising him to consider leaving you. Sorry, but there it is. No-one should have to live with that kind of thing being said to them on the regular.

So he went to work ill to escape you OP. His actions speak volumes. You should listen.

I don't know why I didn't take them! I should have. I guess I just felt like he was ok now. I don't know. This thread is making me a look a lot worse than I am honestly !

Uh, I really don't think it is. And I think you're lying to yourself if you tell yourself that you're really a lot nicer than this thread makes you sound. Don't bury your head in the sand. Listen.

If it really never occurred to you that he probably shouldn't take the kids to school if he is still ill enough to be off work, you are probably quite self-centred. It sounds more like you just wanted him to still take them because it was more convenient to you, and so you didn't bother thinking about whether he was up to it or not. Or asking whether he was.

I'm not surprised he was pissed off at having to do the school run. This sounds like one of many examples of your selfishness. He's ill and off work for the first time in ages, yet still has to get up - why don't you answer the question everyone is asking, why didn't you take the kid to school?

You do sound unbearably abusive and I can only hope for their sake that you listen to what's being said now. You need to apologise and show true remorse. I'm not convinced that you understand still how you have made this poor man feel. If he were posting I would advise him to leave.

I know guys I get it.

I'm not angry and shocked at the cup of tea thing anymore and I've apologised to him without mentioning the tea and said I'll take the dc tomorrow so he can have a proper lie in and I'll give him a nice massage tonight. I don't think he's all that impressed judging from his replies !