Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

I've just done some reading on Asperger's syndrome thinking that it is impossible that I have any of the symptoms. I am so shocked to be able to relate to so many of the symptoms.

'Appear to be insensitive, not seek comfort from people, seek out time alone when overloaded by people and a massive over sensitivity noise', in my case it's loud voices and just lots of people. I grew up in a huge family and I have married into a largish family, and the get togethers are absolute torture sometimes (more often with my family as it's so much bigger) because of the noise and the sound of children running, laughing/crying. I just can't handle it sometimes and do leave the room and go upstairs quietly without anyone noticing (hopefully!). Likewise in loud restaurants with lots of children I just can't even taste my food, it's like I'm eating in a massive panic.

Having said all that, socially I don't think I find it difficult to read faces or tone of voice or anything like that. I do often take language literally which has caused problems for me in the past (one example being the current one discussed on this thread re dh and school run question).

I am however at my happiest when I am alone. I deeply love my dh and my children, and I feel absolutely awful and selfish writing that, but it's the truth. I just like it when everything is clean and tidy and in it's place and I've got space and time to just potter around the house doing my own stuff. I don't go out much at all during the day, only to pick the dc up from school and then to do drop offs or pick ups from various activities but I must admit I find that very stressful, but I do do it. I find one on one time with my dc much easier and enjoyable or if dh is around, because the noise and mess really stresses me out otherwise.

I don't however have any highly focused hobbies or interests, I don't think I actually have any interests as such I used to enjoy writing but I've stopped that ages ago.

But perhaps many many people can relate to such symptoms without being on the spectrum. I still don't think I am either.

justanother thank you so much for the reminders. I've screenshot your last post so I can have a read of it when I need to.

No one ticks all the boxes. Everyone is different. I would continue reading up on the subject. You'll find coping strategies. Things that help up to self-soothe. It's a journey of discovery.

Dh (feeling and looking much better, gp said it's just viral and no infection), just asked me

Who's picking the dc up

I paused and he said shall I pick them up so you can shower , I said are you sure he said yeah I'll pick them up no problem - I think I can safely take this exchange literally doesn't help when he words his actual questions exactly the same as his implied questions !

misery I will do, it's very interesting. Thank you

He does the implied stuff to make sure he can gauge your response, I'm sure hes learnt to read your responses a long time ago cup

I will only make one post cup because frankly I'm appalled at the continued battering you're getting. You have taken it all on the chin, but understandably you've now had enough. Yes, you treated your DH very unkindly and, originally, seemed unable to see that. However, you not only accepted the criticism of practically everyone, you took it on board and was brave enough to add more details of how you awful you have been. That took guts. I found your complete honesty very reassuring. You are already having therapy, and are completely open to change in any way necessary. You have taken the first steps, and to continually bang on at you about your past behaviour, put labels on you, and make dire predictions for your marriage is counter productive to helping you.

Read everything written, pick the bones out, and act on the rest. Seek out as much professional help as you can, but most importantly talk honestly to your DH. Let him see that confused inner child with a wealth of bad learned behaviour, who wants so badly to be a more loving kind person. Ask for his help. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.

You have a really hard road in front of you, especially as you seem to be suffering a difficult pregnancy. You can do this, but not without the help of professionals who will listen without judgement and help with coping strategies. The most important person though is your DH.

I wish you well, and good luck with your pregnancy.

Cup I'm glad things seem more positive today.

One added complication is that childhood abuse can produce behaviour very like ASD, whether or not someone is on the spectrum.

But actually the best advice is to discuss this with your mental health professional, if they are qualified (not just a "counsellor") but also do not just accept if they dismiss a diagnosis if you think it's helpful for you (those who can cope, and women are under diagnosed).

You are most welcome :) x

Tell me about it, cup! My DH has some communication difficulties, he talks while walking away from me, while I'm not in the room. He has a noise he makes- a 'nyuh' sound, which apparently sometimes means yes and other times means no. He doesn't answer questions if he is generally in agreement with what I say. Basically, he hasn't quite understood that I do not know what he is thinking. The answer is so obvious it goes without saying, apparently. He has a 'woah' shout which he uses when he thinks I'm at risk of crashing the car but also when he sees a particularly good train go past...

Women with ASD present differently from men, and as someone said difficult childhood can present similar results. You could have autistic traits, early trauma or dyspraxia. Any of them will make communication harder for you.

Mention it to your counsellor as a possibility, or your GP. It isn't an excuse, it's an explanation for how you got into such bad habits in your relationships.

Have just read this thread and didn't want to read an run.

It's been established your behaviour has been, quite frankly, horrid. But you have acknowledged that which I think can only be a positive thing surely- I think enough has been said on that to be honest.

I do think the ASD point is valid, however, it is very easy to 'self diagnose' and convince yourself of things via google (I once convinced myself my cat had a rare condition that would basically make her explode. She actually just had the runs. Case in point) It would definitely not harm you to speak to a GP or an Autism specialist though- they are infinitely more equipped to look into that.

I do think that counselling or a profession bal support group would really benefit you- whether that be through your GP, local services or private. You clearly have lots of unresolved issues that you need to work through.

I hope that you do manage to find a way of pushing through this and moving forward with your husband and children together.

Yeah wishing you the best too OP

I always applaud honesty and you have been - onwards and hope not upset by some of the abuse on here

Thank you stop and pickle

Update: dh gone back to work, all is well so far. Dh and I talked and he admitted that he's been feeling overly angry as well lately which he needs to sort out, we had a good long chat about everything and I really emphasised that I want to change myself first and foremost and our relationship. I haven't spoken to him about helping me regulate my moods yet but I will. I think he'd be on board for that and quite good at it. I've ordered the book suggested by a poster (the dance of anger).

I want to keep this thread going as a support and reminder to help me in my journey. Can the posters who have been really helpful and who's advice I've taken on board please keep on eye on my thread and updates and reply to me now and then? I'd really appreciate that and I think it would be really helpful.

I've lurked on this thread since the beginning, cup, and I would just like to agree wholeheartedly with what rainbows said. It's frankly a refreshing change to have an OP who takes on board what's being said rather than getting all defensive, so props to you for that. Good luck, I hope it all works out for your family.

Well done it shows like you've taken all advice on board and are working towards change. Good luck x

I'll happily offer you my support cup I can sometimes be very forthright but I'm always honest so I will always keep an eye on the thread

justanother I hoped you would reply thank you!

rainbows your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much.

Very happy to do that, if you would like me to. That is good news. I'm so glad you and he are working on it together.

ASD really springs out at me too - everyone in my immediate family is on the spectrum, everyone is completely different. My son scored off the scale for an adult's 'identifying moods just by looking at people's eyes' when he was 9. He can read emotions but just doesnt know what to do with the information. I thought he had balled up the test badly - looks like I was the one having problems!!

this book is also great for having a look at whether you might be on the spectrum

this is the authors site

nettle thanks for the book suggestions - will certainly order that too.

pickle yay I was hoping you would reply too

Well I wasn't going to post again cup because I truly believed that the thread was starting to do more harm than good. However, I would be happy to support you on your journey sweetie. Respect.x.

You have been very honest and although you didn't understand what was wrong with your behaviour at first (guilt tripping him over being nice to him the day before etc. and not understanding and being unkind) you then understood and accepted it. I think that is very admirable. Hopefully this quality of accepting constructive criticism and being honest can always be used in your relationship too. Hopefully seeing a good therapist who you connect with and trust regularly will help you as it is someone who you can talk to to understand your feelings and behaviour better and find some treatment which works for you, as well as healing from your abusive childhood.

Also, similar to what has already been mentioned, but you need to remember self discipline so that you don't engage when angry and also remember not to say anything unkind or treat your partner badly. I think it's important to find coping strategies which work in the moment for you. Whenever you recognise any point of contention or any emotions such as anger, annoyance, resentment etc. then don't engage whilst you are still like that. Remember to just keep checking yourself. When in doubt just act nicely or say that you need to take a breather and leave the room, say you will continue the conversation later. And just take a moment to yourself, breath, go for a walk, do something to relax you. Then you should be able to come back and only engage once your thoughts and emotions are clearer. If you struggle with empathy in general then you will also need to work hard at practising seeing things from another's perspective. I think it is very possible you can change as long as you are committed continuously to the hard work. As it is very hard. You and your husband need to have sit down regularly and discuss your needs with each other effectively and calmly. that is very important.