Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

pippi I think maybe. At times it feels like because I am making changes, he's moods are all over the place. But that explanation makes sense.

CaraAspen there are more ways of being abusive and unkind than shouting and swearing.

Indeed. I accept that.

rolls eyes

Hairdryer/ hot water bottle the wet bed and turn it over. Problem solved. Sounds like you husband wanted another sick day and really didn't want to take kids to school. Were allowed our moods. Glad your dealing with your anger. There are some useful books on anger and dealing with children which might help your progress. X

Can I ask why you found the school run stressful?

If you found the morning school run stressful has it occurred to you he may feel the same? You haven't mentioned whether you also work, but he seems to do both. Is this yet another case of you blanking out someone else's feelings and needs? I don't think you won or need congratulating for taking your kids to school, we all do it every day.

Have you sorted the tenants out with their problem now, rather than leaving that to your ill dh too? I can't believe after all was pointed out to you yesterday about thoughtfulness and selfishness you gave him that problem to deal with after work. Help sometimes, it might help fill the time you spend thinking about yourself.

OP I'm wondering if there might be more at play here than an anger management problem, because some of what you've described sounds a great deal similar to behaviour and traits I see in my son who is on the autistic spectrum. Now obviously no one can diagnose someone from a few posts on the internet, nor should they. But I'm raising it as a possibility. Autism is something I am hyper-aware of so I might be focusing on small things and jumping to an entirely wrong conclusion.
I think most people posting here would have interpreted your DH's question about who was taking the kids to school as a request for support. we'd have heard something like " I'm not feeling up to the school run this morning would you be able to do it". But I know my son would absolutely not have made that communicative leap without help.
You said that you expected him to do the school run because he's the one that usually does it, so it seems to me that keeping to a set routine is very important to you and you find change difficult to accommodate.
In the exchange you describe with your DH it seems to me that you might just be missing out on some of the unspoken nuance and might be struggling to fully understand his perspective.
My son defaults to anger in just about every kind of difficult situation. Of course it's ok to be angry at times but in his case fear is expressed as anger, sadness transforms to anger...etc.
Now I'm not suggesting for a moment that if a person has a diagnosis of autism, or a mental health issue, that it excuses them from treating others with respect and dignity. However, if you are on the spectrum you may be able to seek more appropriate support for your needs which might make life a lot easier for those around you.
People on the spectrum can come across as selfish and lacking in empathy, and frankly to me you sound more confused than selfish.
I'm impressed at how you've taken on board some of the advice on this thread. I hope you both have a better day today.

happy I'm not looking for congratulations and I also do all the things other parents do for their parents every day. I was updating my thread which I think I'm allowed to do. No I do not work out of the house (don't see what that's got to do with it) and my dh is usually happy with dropping them off at school on the way to work, and that works for us both not just me. The issue was when he was ill which I have rectified today.
As for my time, please don't make assumptions about me having lots of spare time, you know nothing about me or my life besides what I have disclosed - I have just about had enough with the pasting.

rory would you have any titles I can search for on Amazon please ? I'm really looking for stuff like this to buy and read , would be really helpful.

misery - I'm not sure what it is about the morning run, it just feels too bright, too noisy, too intrusive if that's the right word! I sound mad writing that down i bet

I've made dh an emergency doctors appointment because he's coughing a lot and his chest is hurting and I'm worried that it could be a chest infection.

*for their children

I wondered if someone might bring up asd. I've got two DC with asd and also have it myself but I know right from wrong and I don't treat my dh like crap nor am I abusive. I do come across as cold and probably lacking in empathy but I do feel more intensely but don't show it in the same way.

The question about work was relevant, you don't have to rush to work but still let him do the school run while unwell.

You declared a win for doing a simple task, that comes across as looking for praise.

It's funny really that after one day of criticism you can't take it, yet have been dishing out the treatment to your loved ones for years.

Have you ever considered your might have a sensory issue?

Maybe that's because you have some insight into what you are dealing with Msqueen33 you understand why you react to things the way you do.

mummytime

I think this is why it can be so dangerous to offer or ask for advice over the Internet.

I can clearly see that there are at least two interpretations of the events:

A) the OP is being abused, has been abused her whole life, has been told from childhood that if she answers back she is being "angry" and "bad", thinks in this relationship (her only adult relationship?) were so much better than anything she'd experienced until she got pregnant but then DH stopped trying so much and morning sickness etc stopped her being able to suppress herself and be "little miss perfect" all the time. But the lessons learnt in childhood mean she still blames herself 100%.

OR B) she is a violent abusive person as learnt from her past, and if she even says sorely or feels upset by criticism it is just self indulgence, her children's and husband would be better without her, and she needs intensive therapy to change.

Now personally my mother wasn't massively abusive, so I'm not projecting that on a total stranger, so I'm inclined towards A.
But whatever people just reading the over the Internet DO NOT know the truth. It would need a professional to observe this relationship probably hours to work out the dynamic.

OP get yourself help, but don't accept everything a group of randoms on the Internet say.

Bloody well said. Op you have conducted yourself with utmost respect to some posters, who have not shown you the same level of respect. If you were inherently and angry person, I don't think you would be able to respond in such a measured way. Another poster said he sounded as if he was having a tantrum yesterday morning. Agreed. And he continued yesterday evening, despite having a pregnant wife, who has had horrible sickness and bleeding. I don't doubt that you have some anger issues. However, it appears your husband does too. Blaming you for his anger because you get shouty/angry/stroppy isn't helpful. You both need to work together to turn the situation around. And if he won't work on himself, it is your job to work on yourself to be the best parent you are able. You are both 100% responsible for working on your marriage and home life. He doesn't get to sit on his laurels and blame you. After all he married you and chose to have 2 and shortly 3 children with you. Warts and all.

I'm getting suspicious of a spectrum issue here, the more OP posts.

There's a terrible amount of victim blaming developing on this thread. The OP had admitted her anger issues are the problem but some posters still blame her husband. Comes across as blatant sexism.

"it's part of the routine for him to do drop off and for me to do pick up. "

But why would you expect the routine to be adhered to when he is off work ill.

When he asked he was obviously hoping that you would say that of course you would do the school run as he was ill.

Why wouldn't it occur to you?

I just find that very unusual.

I picked up on that yesterday PollytheDolly not initially, when I went back and reread that would make sense.

Routines are rigid. Definite sensory issue which is most likely personified whilst pregnant. Black and white thinking. To name but a few...

Have a look online OP. Especially at Aspergers. See if you can relate to any of the traits?

Happybunny. It's got nothing to do with victim blaming. I'm not blaming her husband. I'm not blaming op. They are both adults and they both need to own the situation.

You accused her she of having a tantrum when he clearly reached the end of his tether dealing with awful treatment the OP admitted to. You are victim blaming and excusing ops abusive behaviour.

Accused him

Hey cup of tea, glad you're still here and still thinking. I hope you find a bit of clarity and some ways of thinking about and looking at your situation which make sense for you. You don't sound at all mad to find the school run overwhelming. Hopefully, you'll be able to talk things through with DH and manage uncomfortable situations between you with compromise rather than rage. I hope he is able to understand that you are still trying.

Good luck.

Happybunny. Op sounds very compliant. This was my observation. Anyway. I shall agree to disagree with you. Accusing me of victim blaming when you know nothing of my life and struggles is presumptuous.

I don't need to know about your life, I'm commenting on the opinions you've expressed on this thread about someone else's situation, not yours. Yes we will need to agree to disagree.

Hey cupoftea

Hope youre doing well today but keep this in mind as far as this thread goes expect some more shit because you're going to have people not RTFT and commenting also remember this path youve decided to (and I hope stick to) is not going to be an easy one but try and practice your coping mechanisms (even though you might not need to right now because everything is always easier after a revelation), the deep breathing, trying out what you want to say in your head first and so on the more you practice it the more you can rely on it when you need to, dont expect any or much change in those around you for a long time, it took you a long time to get them to this its gonna be even longer to reverse it. Just keep in mind even if your relationship doesnt work out youre doing this for yourself and for your children and hopefully DH will still be around for the new happier you