Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

x post.

I understand your investment now but the OP said she was going to the bedroom before he decided he was going to work so there's quite a bit of projection going on there by you. Understandably so but the OP isn't your abuser.

Blistory, he didn't follow her to the bedroom
He went to get ready for work.

"reads to me like the start of a set up on the DH's part. Actually, if the OP has posted what actually happened then it reads to me like he's a twat and she got her punishment the next day for not mindreading and pandering to him."

Blistory you don't seem to be taking into account that OP's husband has been on the receiving end of her explosive anger for about eight years now and probably walks on eggshells if he thinks she's going to kick off. You suggested earlier that OP may not have the resilience to cope - have you considered how ground down his resilience must be, after living for years with an explosively angry spouse?

And as for " if the OP has posted what actually happened" - she did, as C&P'ed here.
"This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude."

And here's a C&P of how I thought it could possibly look from her husband's POV:
"This morning I was still poorly and asked her who's taking the dc to school (my job usually), hoping that she would take them as I felt so rough. But she said 'can you please', so obviously we're back to normal she doesn't feel I'm sick any more and I didn't feel up to dealing with her exploding, going out feeling rough seemed preferable to that so I said OK. Felt so rough when I got back that I lay on the sofa trying to watch tv, she was doing some admin work. She does this work normally when I'm at work, so why is she questioning me about it, how does she manage if I'm not here to question? After about an hour of her getting increasingly snappy, she snaps that she's going to the bedroom and flounces off obviously unhappy with me. I can't handle it any more, I've more chance of sitting quietly feeling rough at work so tell her I'm going to work. I make myself a cup of tea, and goes to the bedroom to get ready. She snaps 'why are you rushing off like this, I've been looking after you since yesterday and you're not grateful and have a nasty attitude'. I have a nasty attitude? Dear God, I really don't feel up to another of her explosions I just want her to leave me alone and the next thing I know the tea is all over the bed because if I hadn't done that I'd have thrown it at her. I've had ENOUGH."

Just because she's the woman does not mean she's in the right, and just because he's the man does not mean he's in the wrong.

We're all reading through our own experiences. Op needs to see which of our interpretations 'fits' with her experience. We have to believe she is being honest and wants to understand, or what is the point in talking to her?

And I can answer to picklemoon!

Op can I say well done for trying to change. It won't happen overnight and there will be setbacks. Please stick with it. I do think your past has everything to do with it but now you realise how wrong it is you need to keep making every effort to change. I also think you have handled this thread really well. While there has been some good advice there are also a few GFS about and it would have been easy to get worked up.

RE handling the anger in the moment, maybe try walking away, writing down everything you feel like saying (ugly as it may be), write down everything you feel, why youfeel this way, what you want. Then comb through it when calm, pick out anything constructive you want to relate to the other party. Reword it if necessary so you don't sound like a cunt. And only talk about it when you feel like you can handle yourself. If you feel yourself getting mad again, walk away and repeat the process.

Keep trying. I think you did well today

Sometimes after years of shit, it's all too little too late. I'm sure he's bitter after the way you have acted and maybe is going to project this knowing you are not going to react the way you used to. It's not the most

mature behaviour on his part, but I can see how resentment and tears of frustration would make someone react like this. Maybe he needs some counselling to get over the way he's been treated by you. It's all well and good you getting help, but maybe he's just not in a place to just forgive and forget. Times like this, there can be a power dynamic shift, which isn't helpful at all to your relationship healing and moving on. It's something you both need to consider and perhaps he needs some help too, to really forgive you and for you both to move on.

We disagree. So what ? I don't think the DH has been abused and bullied by the OP and think, and to be fair, have said from my first post on here, that they communicate badly and it needs worked on.

I don't agree that the OP is a monster or a bully but was worried that she was very passively taking that message on board, in the manner of someone who is used to being told how things are and has been harmed by this dynamic in the past. The OPs meek acceptance of such a pasting on here, combined with what she was posting and how she was posting, made me question whether she was so used to being portrayed as the baddie all the time that she was incapable of viewing anyone's actions other than in this context.

I offered her a different perspective, not a pass for being a woman.

We're all reading through our own experiences. Op needs to see which of our interpretations 'fits' with her experience

Well said

None of us know the dynamics here and I've often said that if DH and I had put our earlier experiences on MN we'd both have been told to LTB over the years

I think this is why it can be so dangerous to offer or ask for advice over the internet.

I can clearly see that there are at least two interpretations of the events:

A) the OP is being abused, has been abused her whole life, has been told from childhood that if she answers back she is being "angry" and "bad", things in this relationship (her only adult relationship?) were so much better than anything she'd experienced until she got pregnant but then DH stopped trying so much and morning sickness etc stopped her being able to suppress herself and be "little miss perfect" all the time. But the lessons learnt in childhood mean she still blames herself 100%.

OR B) she is a violent abusive person as learnt from her past, and if she even says sorry or feels upset by criticism it is just self indulgence, he children and husband would be better without her, and she needs intensive therapy to change.

Now personally my mother wasn't massively abusive, so I'm not projecting that on a total stranger, so I'm inclined towards A.
But whatever, people just reading this over the Internet DO NOT know the truth. It would need a professional to observe this relationship probably hours to work out the dynamic.

OP get yourself help, but don't accept everything a group of random son the Internet say.

joysmum but the OP said from the start that she is explosive with him, the kids, her family and his family. How many people would really put up with that. At me, maybe, at her own family, their business, but at my family and my children, never! That's not projection.

OP your DH is probably still feeling unwell, he's taken the kids to school, had a blow up with you and has gone to and come home from work. All whilst feeling ill. Now is not the time to bother him about tenants! Apologise to him, tell him you will take the kids to school tomorrow and that he should take it easy and ask him if he wants anything. If he isn't responsive leave him alone and take the kids tomorrow then let him rest.
I think it's surprising that you've never considered that he may be staying with you just for the sake of the kids after all your anger issues. You say yourself that you left your abusive family behind to go to uni and free yourself. Now imagine that you'd have to have left your dc in that environment, with anger all around and probably elevated levels because of having to deal with the stress of separation and taking them to school in the morning etc. Would you still have left to be free for yourself or would you have stayed and been miserable yourself in order to protect them knowing you'd probably be subjected to a long and expensive court case to keep them that you may well have lost? (I realise you say your family were physically abusive and you've not said that you are, but still).

mummytime I was sexually abused as a child, that doesn't make me abuse my own child. Everyone has their reasons for being the fucked yo person they are, it doesn't excuse them doing the same things themselves. It explains it in some cases, but it doesn't excuse it.

But I also know people who will really put themselves down and say what awful parents they are, and how they "always" lose. It with their children. BUT these people are very soft spoken and don't lose it. In fact seem scared to raise a voice etc.

The most abusive parents I know show no remorse even now, and no self awareness that there is even something they could have done wrong.

Now the OP could be abusive or she might not - I'm not there, I have no idea.

what give some people such sense of entitlement and quite honestly reason to bully The Bully of the situation is beyond me.

If OP suffer from a issues is not reason to attack her is it? I have not read every page, but as soon as it was highlighted that OP may be "hard work" so many jumped on the wagon. Burn the witch.

OP I hope you get the support you need IRL, and instrument to get better, just one little word of advice, try to watch every single word you say, as they can hurt of course, but more so they can be twisted and used against you, in an argument and make you anxious and therefore angry, angrier and reactive, words I suspect come out without much awareness and control, correct me if I am wrong. Hope it makes sense

KellyElly my own DH has, that's why I shared my own experience.

I wonder if the dynamic between you and DH is changing a bit, now that you are beginning to discover and admit that you have anger issues. Perhaps this is giving your DH some space in the relationship to let his anger out - and maybe there is a lot of pent up anger there, from all the times when you have been the one raging and he would have been trying to deal with you and your needs rather than this own. There may be some deeper lying resentment from his side, which, if you want to change, you will have to listen to and deal with for as long as he needs it.

I havnt read all the replies but will do properly in abit. A couple of posters have asked why I don't like doing the morning run.

It's just that it's part of the routine for him to do drop off and for me to do pick up. It's not something I thought of before replying, it was like common sense to me in my head instead of intentional unkindness or lack of empathy. Likewise, I've recently suffered from extreme sickness in pregnancy plus some bleeding, but I've carried on doing the pick ups because that's my job, if you see what I mean, and he's at work so I've gone into hospital on my own to get the bleeding checked out without telling him. My sister thought that was really unusual but I was totally fine about it; I had a scan and everything was ok so I got a taxi back home and told him all about it at the end of the day.

If you can get him to talk about it properly that is, not through shouting and tea throwing. See if you can both learn to express anger and hurt without being aggressive.

Have only skimmed Page 1. Dear God, you sound awful. YOU are the one who has the mahoosive issues.

Not going to bother wading through the rest.

Caraaspen you sound delightful yourself.

I don't shout and swear and abuse all and sundry due to my vicious, aggressive nature.

mummytime

until she got pregnant but then DH stopped trying so much and morning sickness etc stopped her being able to suppress herself and be "little miss perfect" all the time. But the lessons learnt in childhood mean she still blames herself 100%

Not entirely sure where you get this from.

You can't rate a book by reading a mere page CaraAspen

Back from the morning school run - I said I'd do it today so dh can rest. Just got back and he's asleep, looks totally worn out.

I found the school run really stressful. But it's done now and dh is asleep peacefully, so that's a win