Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

Also I don't know if you said but is your husband seeing a therapist?

Obviously that's his decision but it sounds like you would both benefit from it.

I'm new to the thread but just wanted to join in to say that I admire your honesty, willingness to listen, accept responsibility and work on yourself.

I know very little about ASD but from what you and others have said, it does sound as if it might apply to you, so I hope you can get an official diagnosis and that will open the door to getting more support and understanding how to manage your behaviour better.

I was also sorry to read about your abusive family I suggest you contact NAPAC (they have a helpline) and check out the Stately Homes thread which lists some good books and other resources.

I don't think CBT is going to cut it. I think you need in-depth and/or long-term therapy with a professional that has expertise in ASD and/or abuse (preferably both). Anger management therapy could be useful but you need to address the root causes of your anger as well as learning techniques for dealing with it.

Lastly, your marriage. It might be that too much damage has already been done, but based on your latest update, it does sound as if your husband hasn't given up just yet. Perhaps he needs some counselling of his own to help him decide what he wants. If you both want to try and make it work, heal from the past and communicate better, I do think couple's counselling would be a very good idea.

Good luck

Hi cup of tea, how are you getting on?
Hope you have had a calm day.
Do you do any calming activities like yoga, meditation? Basically it tops up your tank so you are relaxed at some points, before the irritations build up. I pray, but it works in a similar way I think. Put aside ten minutes and light a candle. Listen to your breath. Watch the flame.

Hi pickle yday was a calm day, I had my first scan which was lovely and the dc loved seeing the pictures. Dh couldn't make it with me as he'd just gone back to work and was snowed under with work but he said he would make sure he attends the next scan - I was very disappointed. Usually, I would have text or called him back accusing him of not caring and a whole host of other things but I really thought through the situation, tried looking at it from a third party perspective and just let it go. It worked!!! I stayed calm, dh was happy, he got to see the scan pictures later on he can never work out what's what on a scan picture anyway and it was a lovely evening with us all talking about the baby and what sex it might be. I went to bed earlier than dh because I was shattered (and think I've caught dh's bug), he came to bed and hugged me and said 'you havnt argued with me today! '! He said he missed me and felt lonely so he came to bed early because we usually spend our evenings together on the sofa watching crap telly . I think him missing me is a great sign that I'm doing well!

About the candle thing pickle, that reminded me of when I was young and could stare at the flame for ages. I found it strangely soothing. I think I might get some candles I havnt bought any for a while. Thank you for the idea

Good for you. That's really positive. It's ok to be disappointed that he wasn't there, he was too. You both actually felt the same way about it so if you'd picked a fight it would have been pointless and destructive.

I think the key is in how you react to how you feel, not that you are necessarily wrong to feel the way you do.

It's hard to delay a reaction after the feeling has hit to allow you time to think it through but if you do it often enough it will get easier. That's what I've had to learn and not do I feel better for it as much as those around me.

That sounds lovely. I'm feeling so positive for you all! I hope today goes smoothly too, but it's ok to have bumps in the road. Each good day is evidence of more good days to come.

Great news well done.

cupofteainbed i posted some harsh criticism of you near the beginning of the thread, and whilst i stand by my opinion of your actions, I can also see how hard this thread has been on you, and how well you are taking it. I can see how much effort you are making and, by the sounds of things, so can your DH. I wish you all the best for the future, and please speak to your gp re the AS possibility. good luck.

Just had some awful news.

My eldest sister who was NC with everyone has suffered a major stroke and by some coincidence has ended up in a hospital in my city.

Was just speaking to mum and she said the brothers were not too bothered about going to visit or even call her husband ?? Such cunts but why am I even surprised. I just can't believe that such a major thing has happened and they just don't give a shit, such utter utter bastards.

I am fuming. My heart is racing. I want to pick up the phone and hurl as much abuse as I can at them for being such heartless bastards. Mum is dependent on them to drive her there as well and she was very much like 'I'm not well so I can't go either.' I said you're not that unwell either ! You still can make it to the hospital to see your daughter who has suffered a major stroke.

Am I wrong in this??

Dh and I are going. I'm making some soup to take her.

I can't stop walking around the house aimlessly.

Calm down darling. Don't go back to that place where others dictate your moods. You are NOT responsible for the actions of others, just your own. Do what YOU need to do, and lean on your husband.....oh and remember that little bump you're carrying.x.

Your sister won't want people she chose to be NC with there. Don't be angry on her behalf.

OP your family is very toxic so it's not too surprising that they've reacted in this way. There's clearly a reason your sister went NC with everyone! I understand that you're upset but do your best to calm down - I find that focusing on my breathing helps - and follow look's excellent advice to just do what you need to do. It's great that you're going to visit and I'm sure your sister will appreciate it - even more so if your other family members don't.

Oh no!

It's ok to feel really angry with your family, but try not to let it consume you. Try and let it pass through you, not stick in you. It's easier to feel rage than worry and sadness, so worth checking where the anger is coming from.

I hope your sister is stable and as well as she can be right now.

I was coming on to write a post having read all 14 pages this morning. I have moved from agreement with those saying how awful you were being, to noticing your reactions throughout this thread, or rather your lack of reaction & anger. I'm also really glad others have noticed the links with ASD or similar, as bells were going off for me all over your later posts! As someone said, a reason not an excuse, but one worth following up. I think it's the missing link in your upbringing and problems.

Good luck at the hospital.

Misc I hope it's OK if I just copy this supportive and sensitive bit from your post to show my quick support for Cup

I was coming on to write a post having read all 14 pages this morning. I have moved from agreement with those saying how awful you were being, to noticing your reactions throughout this thread, or rather your lack of reaction & anger. I'm also really glad others have noticed the links with ASD or similar, as bells were going off for me all over your later posts! As someone said, a reason not an excuse, but one worth following up. I think it's the missing link in your upbringing and problems.

I read all your thread last night OP but was too shattered to post when I reached the end. My heart breaks for you as I could so easily be in your position.

I hope to get back tonight and post more but really just wanted to say I understand and I feel 'proud?' of you as a stranger for realising where you are and what you need to change. Sorry if garbled running late for osteo for seized back!

FWIW I totally second "lookformeinrainbows" sound advice and the very much needed kind support

You really do sound as if you have Aspergers. The upset at routine, finding things out of routine stressful, the loud noises. I have recently been diagnosed at 24 and my partner is INCREDIBLY helpful. It wasn't always an easy journey, but he is able to notice the warning signs for a meltdown, understand that even if I'm screaming at him over something tiny, it's not personal and does things such as squeeze me very tightly or stroke my back to help with my sensory sensitivities.

Your DH sounds like he would be this caring and capable with an understanding of how your brain works so you should share what you learn about ASD with him.

And from me; just to say that I understand about the explosive anger. I have it too. I'm not an angry person, it's an autistic meltdown- you should read about them and I think it will ring true for you!

That is sad news, and very unsettling for you. Do what you need to, and ignore the others. They can make their own choices and you don't need to approve or agree.

I hope your sister was able to appreciate your visit, and that she is comfortable.

This might leave you vulnerable to wobbles. If you feel yourself getting worked up over little (or even big) things, remind yourself that you are a bit fragile right now and might be overreacting. Be kind to yourself.

So yday we went to see my sister. It was really emotional and we both cried. I haven't seen her in over a year (since mum was diagnosed), and she looked so old and tired. She can't move her whole right side, and was eating with her left hand. She talked non stop, told me all about what happened, and how she'd ended up close to where I live. She looked really happy to see me.

Before I went, the family had visited. I had got on the phone to mum again after calming myself down and said I think you should go today. This is after a conversation with dh who said mum should go too, there's no reason why anyone can't or shouldn't go. She'll be lying there watching the ward fill up and empty with family and imagine how she's feeling. It really made me imagine how she must be feeling. Then I spoke to my sisters and said everyone should go, all of us. I did all this via whatsapp voice messages so there was no extra bits to the conversation and I had planned what I needed to say and then said just that. basically I stole dh's words It worked as mum, one sister and one brother and sister in law went to visit, today another two siblings. I'm really happy she'll be getting regular visitors and it will take the pressure off her dh as well.

Dh was a star. He came home from a long day at work, we had dinner and he made himself some tea in a hand flask. He didn't complain or moan once about getting back into the traffic and driving another half hour to the hospital and then waiting around the day room with the dc for a further hour and a half while I sat with my sister. I luffs him so much!

With family you can only control what you do, not what they do, let it go. It reflects on them not on you.

It sounds like the catch up with your sister went really well - I too will purchase The Dance of Anger, it sounds great.

OP you took a lot on the chin and seem to be making really positive changes and moving forward. None of what you read on here can have been easy to take, well done for pushing forward and making such progress. Onwards and upwards!

don't worry, let the things flow away and forget about this. maybe you had also some angry issues, maybe he is fed up with this situation. be next to him and forget what happens.

You brought tears to my eyes! Well done. If you have ASD, others in your family probably do as well, so bear that in mind when communicating. Some situations may look different with hindsight.

Thinking of you and your sister.