Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

Iron I'm so glad for you. I remember your desperation and I remember how trapped I felt although I knew I had the means to leave.
I'm so settled and at peace in my new place. I miss the kids when they're not there like mad, but I know I will adjust and I'm grateful for exdh being a decent dad ti them.
I've been disappointed in my family although initially they took the news ok without blaming they've kept away since and been very distant and now are just superficially normal in contact and conversation and indicate I'm the one who walked away and are most sympathetic to dh. I know it sounds bitter and I will get over it, it's just been a disappointment and the trust in them has gone.
Despite that we're all doing well exdh me and the dcs. It was a long dragged out split and all of what you lovely ladies say was how I felt at one stage or another from the feelings of is this bad enough, to the threats of you can't leave me, and I'm so glad to have found this thread which honestly kept me sane in the dark desperate times.
Strength to you all.

Update from me. He got the key yesterday. He's just packed up the car with a pile of stuff and gone over his parents. All on his terms and told me I've got to have the kids for a fortnight of nights whilst he 'gets the house sorted'.
We went for a final breakfast 'as a family' this morning. DD was continually saying "you hate me, you don't love me". It's all extremely sad. I left the cafe for 5mins when I broke down in front of them all. I walked back in.
I am trying to part everything whilst the kids are on devices. I honestly feel like crap. This is the hardest part. Need handholding.

Hope you are all ok.

Well. It is done and he is gone. Feeling rather numb.

Iron I'm so glad it's done for now. I hope you're ok. Yes parting everything is horrible especially if it's quite hurried and with the kids around. I was all over the shop and jumping from one thing to another. I was so grateful to my friend who quietly got on with the practical stuff and at least my dcs and exdh weren't there but it was still really hard to concentrate.
Hugs to you and breathe. I hope things settle and he does see the kids a bit. Two weeks is a long time for them.

Thanks so much Shandy and you're right - that was the hardest part. What a bloody intense day.

But not woken by his 'routine' this morning which was, just, idyllic. I needed the extra z's today. Bloody hell. Just cannot believe I am here!

Thanks so much for all of the positivity and vibes. If I can be an example to any of you folk out there, please know, it really is possible. . .

That's brilliant Iron, it sounds horrible to go through but out the other side now!

I've possibly found somewhere to live – not getting my hopes up too much in case it falls through, but if it doesn't then it means moving in a month. Earlier than planned, which is great for my mental health but suddenly makes everything seem much more real and terrifying. And telling DS much more imminent.

Stressing out about the possible house now – I'm sure it will be fine, and if not then, well then, just gives me longer to save and sort things out, but it's just left me feeling like I'm constantly on the verge of bursting into tears. I hate uncertainty!

Ah Lego. Hope you're ok. Thinking of you.

We are getting on really well. I'm hoping it will last.

Shandy - is it true to say that you and I are posters of thread 1/3? I can't see anyone I recognise! Yet. Just started reading it back. I wonder what happened to AllOver 🤔

Why?

For info. I posted a real intense post, history, original crap, general stuff. And a poster replied "this thread has been hidden until MNHQ have a chance to review it.
So I had my post removed. Gutted as I thought it was cool !
FTW

Neon, good to hear you've made it this far.
Lego - hope the house stuff works out.
I dream of that moment when I get the keys to somewhere new and I don't have to stress over everything. I think it's about two months since I told X I didn't love him any more and wanted out.

If it were down to me, the house would now be ready to go on the market but he says he wants to do stuff to make it more saleable, and he just takes forever on anything like this. And as for sorting out his piles of junk, although he has got rid of some stuff, he just seems to move his stuff to a different part of the room/landing/house.
I've got rid of loads of stuff to charity, and have tidied up a lot of my stuff, doing a bit every day (unlike X I work full time so have to fit things in as and when). So I can see progress of sorts.
How is everyone else doing?

How's everyone doing? Lego? Shandy?
Very difficult working out childcare 50:50 due to ex's work. My job is pretty flexible but he won't ask to work different shifts a couple of days a week. Anyhow we are getting on ok and kids had first sleepovers at his Fri and Sat. How house is huge but full of other people's stuff. DD is extremely hard work which is very stressful in the circumstances. Just hope it all settles soon.

*his

Agh hope it settles down Iron.

Things seem to be going really well here – I'm really wary of getting too confident though, feel like I'm waiting for the big thing to go wrong. Or maybe the big thing that went wrong was just my marriage and it's okay for other things to go right when balanced against that!

I have a house sorted and should be moving in a month. Sat down with STBXH and planned out the dates for when things will happen and the set-up of joint custody, lots in calendar now. Will be telling DS after half term. We have a similar thing Iron in that my work is flexible so it'll be harder for STBXH on his weeks – in the long term DS will probably have to go to after-school club etc but for the rest of this school year I'll still do pick-ups and just look after DS for a couple of hours. Hopefully it will work out as an easier transition rather than being confusing for DS.

I keep feeling happy and excited about leaving and wanting to plan out my new home, but then feeling really guilty about DS and that I shouldn't be happy about something that's going to change his world so dramatically. Obviously I honestly think he'll be better off in the long term but it's going to be an upsetting time for him to go through.

I think this might be the right thread for me.

Been with husband for 10 years and relationship has deteriorated to the point of barely communicating and a non existent sex life. We don't really argue but that's because we don't talk much. We just keep muddling along as though everything is fine when it clearly isn't.

As per my post I've just ended a 3 month affair which has shown me that I really want and need some passion in my life and I'm not sure I can have that with my husband.

Hi all. Lego. Iron how's it all going. Second holidays in and we're settling into things. Me Exdh, dcs are doing well and getting on ok. I'm finding it hard to not feel bad and the ever ending guilt. I wanted it. I know it's the right thing. But it's still hard to accept and face other random people when we've done something so anti tradition. I'm very nervous of seeing people who may not understand, who may judge, who may feel they know better. I know it's sad but I've truly tried and I know it's right. But it's still not quite enough to stem the guilt. I wish things hadn't been like they had, but then I know if it hadn't been I wouldn't have my wonderful dcs and they have a great father. I really wish it had worked between us, love is a beautiful thing but it's also elusive. I need to free myself to know that I am happier and enjoy life as it is. Big hugs to you all comrades.

Told DS at the weekend. Had thought we would tell him together but STBXH said it was my responsibility to tell him, presumably because the break-up was my choice. Hey ho.

Was really horrible, he cried at first and said he didn't want it to happen, felt awful that my choices and my words were making my son this upset. But quickly started to get excited about the moves and new homes, has seen pictures of my new place and loves it too. Now I'd say he's 80% excited, and then occasionally a bit quiet and sad and asking questions.

Crazy amount of work to do in the next week or so, but am so close now and can't wait. And it feels like every conversation STBXH and I have reinforces how right this decision is.

Hi Shandy, Lego, Everyone else.
So it was 3 weeks Sunday since he moved out. It's been ok. I'm not sure financially, a bit unsettling through this transition. I am finding adjusting to my own company difficult so to speak, much easier when I'm out with a friend. I guess I've lived with blokes for about 20 years.
Shandy - I've been getting all the guilt trippy-shit that goes hand in hand. But then I walked past the bedroom door one morning which has a huge crack in one of the panels where he punched it. Also when I went to bathe DS after he had been with his Dad for a few nights as he was off half term, I took his top off ready for bath and although his Dad had put sun cream on his shoulders he hadn't on his back and chest and he was red raw. My heart sank knowing how much pain he must have been in on the Thursday night.. That's a really grose feeling that I hadn't experienced till Sunday. Out of my control. My poor little man
DD bday Thursday so we are going to do a family thing in the evening. Kids seem to be coping but I guess time will tell.

On the whole I am a lot brighter and feeling more positive/optimistic generally

Hope everyone's ok

Checking in. It's been a month for me now since he moved out. How's everyone doing?

Wow that's great Iron. How are you feeling?

I'm moving out on Thursday so am currently packing madly and surrounded by boxes. Occasionally I'll come across something sentimental and get really sad, but most of the time I'm too busy with logistics to stop and think about the emotional side. That's all put on hold for now – I'm sure it will hit me at some point in the next couple of weeks.

Fell at the first hurdle of shared parenting – STBXH was supposed to be looking after DS this weekend as I settle in, turns out he's working on Saturday and forgot to mention it. Great start.

Hey Lego. I'm feeling good. I gave up smoking Friday which has been difficult on top of everything. Ex and I are getting on. Childcare is working for the interim. It's actually working out really well. I just have no idea what you're supposed to do with wedding photos/cards? No idea and they are taking up precious space

I was thinking the same iron. Spent a small fortune on our big wedding album which then has spent last 10 years gathering dust under the bed. Think we've got it out about 3 times in that whole time yet can't bring myself just to throw it away