Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. III) (1000 Posts)

[Porffor]

As the title says - carried forward from first two threads.

Hi Iron, try using tax credit calculator online.. It might help work out what you will be entitled to..glad things are moving and amicable

No entitlement to tax credits or anything...

Iron are you sure? I'm on quite a good wage and still get some tax credits even though I didn't think that I would. I don't know if I only get them because of childcare though, I haven't had the letter yet that explains them. Also make sure your not entitled to any other benefits, I don't know your circumstances but it's definitely worth a check.
Keep going, you will get there x

I don't think so. I don't have any childcare costs. What daunts me is paying half the mortgage and rent until house is in his name. Kids have facetimed him this am.

I am away for 4 nights at my Mums. Funnily enough - I joined the first thread this time last year. I guess it's my threadaversary :D Makes me wonder how AllOver is doing. I miss him.

How are you all doing?

Really don't know what to do I just want out of the house and starting again ASAP. House same as ours round the corner sold within 48hrs so selling is not going to be a problem.
I originally instructed my solicitor to deal with finances and she sent out a form e to stbxh but we've chatted since then. He is willing to split 50:50 now. I know I'm selling myself and children short but in reality we're probably only arguing over £10k if go 60:40. I need that money to be able to set us up in a new place and hopefully in a year look at buying us somewhere small but if I don't agree this could drag on for months!
I really am seeing the true him now (strange after 15 years together huh?!) So don't know what else he's got up his sleeve but living under same roof is unbearable and not fair on dcs (he decided to tell ds about the split previously although not tell me so l look like bad guy by not saying anything when I was just trying to protect them until things were more concrete but that's a whole nother story!)
I'm just scared about being able to provide for the kids properly going forward but don't want this dragging on longer than necessary as not good for anyone in the house at the moment

Iron why would you pay half of the mortgage if your not there? I'm not paying anything towards our joint mortgage from next month when I move out, he is just taking it over unofficially and I am paying my rent.

Yeah I'm pretty pissed off about the house. I paid off a £12,000 unsecured loan and I feel like I've paid for every single thing in the house. I have accumulated major debts where he has been unable to contribute. So I feel like I should just stay there. I'm really not sure how to broach it anymore

Oh Iron it is a horrible situation that you are in. I have loads of debt for the same reasons really. He refused to buy anything for the house and spent lots of time with no work. I am walking away with nothing even though I paid for everything , I feel really angry about it but also haven't any energy to argue. I move out next week and can't wait! It wouldn't have been possible without using step change and entering in to a debt management plan, it wasn't an easy decision but I do feel free now.

Thank you for letting me in. I'm 57' have been married for nearly 14 years, no children .... I cannot remember the last time I was actually happy in the relationship.... no intimacy for years.... he has no job, makes no effort to find one yet does no housework etc, leaving it all to me. I work full time and leave the house at 6.45am and get home at around 7.30pm. He spends his time in a bubble that is music - buying CDs and vinyl online, playing in concerts and attending live events. He has a v small pension after being invalided out of teaching many years ago, but otherwise makes no financial contribution to the marriage.

He is the sort of person who is happy as long as everyone agrees with him. Any alternative view is taken as a personal slight.

I'm just so tired of it all. I've actually wanted to leave him for years but have been too cowardly to have 'the conversation'.

In the middle of March, I finally snapped. We were talking about yet another parking ticket he'd received. He wanted to complain to the police and went off on one when I said it was a civil matter, so it would be better to contest the ticket with the local council. It was as if he didn't believe me even tho he knew I was right - and started saying how his friend (female) understood, she knew him etc etc. It felt like he was throwing her in my face. I found myself telling him that was fine, if he didn't want to believe or listen to his wife, but would prefer the counsel of another woman, that was fine. That I'd had enough and that we just weren't working out any more.

This escalated into the full 'I think we should split up' discussion. By this time we were both calm again, and I told him frankly that I was really very sorry, but I didn't love him any more.

He didn't make any effort to dissuade me. Didn't say anything about still loving me, and wasn't there anything he could do to make me change my mind ... This made me think that he doesn't think I am worth fighting for.

This weekend, I told my mum. She is 91 and I had been dreading it. But she was brilliant. A little tearful and obviously upset for us, but so very supportive.

So now it is real. My family know. A couple of his friends know.

No real point to all of this except is helps to get it all down, and to know that people who understand are 'listening '!

Hi All. I'm clutching at straws I really am! Asked if he can call mortgage co and take on mortgage in a debt management plan. Watch this space...
Hope everyones good

Hope everyone is doing ok.
I have my the keys to my new house (which me and the kids love) and I move tomorrow! I can't wait!

Thrilled for you BadHair albeit muchly jealous!!! Hope it all goes well tomorrow x

Good news, BadHair!
Good luck, IronNeon !

Good luck 🍀
Over 2 months separated here and all good, still disentangling direct debits etc though!

So good to not feel irritable and taken for granted. It is hard work with 3 dds and work but it was harder before the separation, there's not resentful feelings over unfair 'division of labour ' lol.

Hello all, not posting much but I am reading & keeping up.

Significant day today, he is moving out.

Weird emotions, relief but no sadness or feeling upset, sort of nothing? Other than worry about the kids.

Getting there......

Hurley and HotWater. I can't believe we are all nearly there! :)

I am seeing a bank mortgage guy Monday am. He sounded optimistic so I am quietly excited :)

Oh I feel so pleased for us all that we are getting there and have helped each other. Hurley and hot we've been here such a long time.
Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I moved out almost three weeks ago and it's soooo much better. I'm really chilled in my new pad, the dcs have been great and very chilled about it also. Exh has been remarkably ok after a lot of threats just let things happen so a lot of stress and biting of tongues but I got there relatively unscathed.
His family have largely carried on as normal and not mentioned it. Mine have been offish and distant which has hurt, I won't lie, but it's a small price for peace. My mates have been fab and there's been a few really warm hearted ones who've popped up and a few who have got under my skin with their shock horror and helpful advice! Still I was warned by you lovely ladies and I just soldiered on with faith in my decision and control of my own life. If the dcs turned on me I would feel awful as obviously they don't have control over what's happening and are hugely affected but they've been fab.
Faith and strength to all. You all deserve a happy peaceful life.

Iron keep going, small steps. I do feel for you and Giraffey as it's an awful feeling, feeling trapped, but a solution will come. Keep the faith.

Thank you Shandy. I'm so happy for you. You sound so happy!! :) xx

It's done! The house is now officially on the market!!! Strangely sad but also excited for the next chapter of my life to start! Kids are doing well so far. Despite stbxh constantly trying to poison ds at every opportunity. His dad will always be his hero but think he's beginning to see things more clearly now and knows it's wrong when he's being told things and then being told not to tell me. Poor thing is stressed out beyond belief and his behaviour is then appalling. As soon as the latest 'information' came rolling out and he told me you could literally see the weight lift off his shoulders . I'm so angry his dad is doing this to him but just proving to me more and more this is definitely the right decision and we will all be better away from him.
Open day for the house on Saturday so fingers crossed we get some good interest and I can seriously look at some rental properties with a date in mind. Feeling very daunted about moving a whole house with 10 years worth of crap but that's a worry for next week!
Hope everyone else is doing OK and staying strong

Glad for you MissWhat.

So had the appointment- all agreed in principle just depends on the valuation which I am utterly not confident about!

Hi All
I can resonent with everyone single one of you, I have been living w dh in seperate bedrooms for nearly 2 years now going to weekly counselling with him (his insistence) but I just want out. I posted on here before for advise following a horrible sexual encounter nearly 2 years ago where I felt violated (he has never accepted or recognised himself in my version of events). I have tried to move things on but he has stalled every step of the way. We have told DDs we are seperating but that was in Feb and we are still no further forward I have suggested one of us moves out and rents he refuses to consider moving out so would have to be me but financially it would be hard to cover bills and he won't help. I am not sure how much longer I can keep going like this. I don;'t find him at all attractive have no desire to have sex with him but we get on ok in the house but I don;t want to give him the wrong impression so don't give him hugs etc. Does that sound really mean it seems you all have the same thoughts it is so hard to keep things going sometimes. I find the longer this goes on the less confident I feel in my own judgement but equally I know the other side won't be plain sailing either and I don't think the answer is just to find someone else as the person I need to find most of all is ME! How do we all get to this point and how is it some of us have this and others don't. Can all those others we know have such amazing marriages/relationships or are they better at accepting their 'lot'
I would love to know what the answer is ...... Looking forward to hearing more

I think some people will Indeed put up with way more than others , some have lower standards and some indeed fall lucky,

Maybe it depends on what those others have to put up with arguing about housework one thing being pestered for sex and being gropped regularly quite another. I was scared to be on my own at one point but I think now it would be quite a relief but I know when it happens I may feel differently.

Also how do you say goodbye a handshake, just walk out the door ...??

Shandy, Iron..... yep we are almost all there. I've been on here a year! Hurley that's great. Restless sounds same as my story, it has taken a year for him to go & was so hard I had to harden my heart and keep up my resolve.

He moved out over Fri & Sat. I was out Sat so no awkward goodbye. Sunday he popped in, helped himself to some stuff and left. I bit my tongue.

Yesterday he had the kids for tea, dropped them off, went into kitchen drawers and took some phone chargers, then some dishwasher tablets & other stuff. I had to just sit there as kids were there. I'm so angry. How do I stop this? It's still half his house & I appreciate he did not want to move out but he can't just walk in & out and take stuff now.