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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Parents house, very complicated!

211 replies

Emboo19 · 19/01/2017 11:46

I feel bad even putting this on here and it's rather complicated so apologies.
I'm 19 and have a dd, I was due to start uni last year, but it's delayed due to baby. Will be going this year instead. I live with my parents, this is the complicated part.
The house is legally mine, left by great grandma to me. My parents were young when they had me and a bit irresponsible, so my mum wasn't left anything herself. The condition being they could live in it, until I was older also some money was left in care of my grandparents for maintenance/modernisation etc!

I've always known it's mine and me and my parents get on really well, not so much a traditional parent/child relationship though. I always thought/said that once I'd finished uni, we'd look at selling the house and split the money me and my parents 50/50 or they could buy my half. Obviously I didn't plan a baby though.
I went out for lunch with my grandma yesterday and we discussed the house, she said she'd spoke to my mum and she thinks that the we will stick with selling/buying when I finish uni as I've said previously. This will mean I'll still be living with my parents when my daughters 4/5 and I don't think I want that. I've not really thought about it until my grandma mentioned it though.
My grandma thinks I need to get it sorted now and that my parents need to be responsible for themselves, she thinks I should look at getting a solicitor and getting the house valued. My mum and her parents don't have the best relationship, so she's a bit biased.
Obviously I wouldn't see my parents homeless and my mum now has a buissness she runs from the house, so needs to stay really.
Would I be horrible to raise this with them? And how do I do that? What time scale do I give them? They are not very proactive in sorting things at all!

If I didn't have my daughter I wouldn't even bother and probably wouldn't have asked to sell or for any money at all! I've now to think of security for my daughter though and I don't think I'd be eligible for any help towards housing if I legally own a property.

OP posts:
Manumission · 21/01/2017 15:05

Well the OP seems to think that this is the case, and she would know better than anyone else.

I'm not sure I'd say my teenage children "would know better than anyone else" about my finances or DH's finances.

There are major financial things and arrangements they have no idea about. They DO know where the "in the event of my death" envelopes so they could find out when they needed to.

I'd share even less with them if my hostile mother regularly took them out to lunch and drizzled poisonous syrup over them, TBH. It'd be more protective to keep them out of it.

I agree that the way the mother has been cast as feckless from day one, which seems to have a lot to do with her own mother, is odd and unfair.

It just casts some doubt over everything else I think. Or at least raises questions.

Blistory · 21/01/2017 15:06

How are they feckless ? They know their daughter is financially secure, they've raised her, loved her and don't appear to have put her under any pressure to support them. They appear to have coped with the punishment of being disinherited without bitterness. They didn't need to save for the next generation as it had already been done at their expense. GGM could easily have left all to her own children whilst ensuring financial security for the next generation. She choose to play games with them. She appears not to have trusted her own child to look out for her children but trusted a baby ?

The OP, through nothing that she has done, is financially secure and in position of power over her parents. Yes, she wants to prioritise her future and that of her daughter but her mother wasn't afforded that luxury but was instead punished. A.teenager was punished by her family with that punishment passing down through the generations. Her daughter could potentially continue that punishment or could do the right thing and ensure that both she and her daughters and her mother benefit.

Plenty of posters on here advocate staying at home to raise a child or enjoying the luxury of sufficient income to achieve a work/life balance. It's not a fault not to be financially ambitious. And yet the OPs parents are feckless for doing so even though they know their daughter is financially secure.

If the OP has sufficient funds to ensure a comfortable split of the money then that is what she should do. If her parents blow the lot, so what ? It doesn't affect the OP unless she wants to sit and ruminate over the fact that she could have been richer. Equally, if GGM was alive, OP may well have found herself disinherited for her own circumstances.

OP, the danger of taking no advice from family is the bias that they cannot avoid. Your mother has been cast as an irresponsible wild child. No matter what she does, she will always have the stigma of that and it influences how she is perceived and treated by family. The notion that you have to be true to what your GGM wanted is affected by the fact that you only have other people's memories or interpretations as to what she wanted. And what is what she wanted isn't fair ? She judged a 16/17 year old child whilst rewarding another. She didn't trust her own child to inherit fully. Maybe your GMs view of your mother is affected y the fact that her own mother left to one of her children and not the other. Why is your uncle not considered feckless ? Is every generation consigned to a life of financial sobriety and constraint just so the next generation can benefit ?

You have a wonderful opportunity to benefit from this or you can choose to continue the family rebuke of your parents. If you are going to give to them ( and I do think you should restore at least part of your mothers inheritance to her) do so freely and with a generous spirit - do it without conditions or expectations or rental agreements. Decide on an amount, see it as her money and walk away from the burden and constraints that GGM put upon you.

And OP, one last thing. Why are you going to uni ? Is it for you ? How would you feel if your child judged you some twenty years later for prioritising you own desire to better yourself rather than stay at home spending time the majority of your time with her whilst she was young ? That's the equivalent of what some posters are doing to your parents.

3penguins · 21/01/2017 15:16

And OP, one last thing. Why are you going to uni ? Is it for you ? How would you feel if your child judged you some twenty years later for prioritising you own desire to better yourself rather than stay at home spending time the majority of your time with her whilst she was young ? That's the equivalent of what some posters are doing to your parent

Hmm
GriefLeavesItsMark · 21/01/2017 15:26

3penguin, I think you are reading that out of context.

Emboo19 · 21/01/2017 15:58

I don't really want to put very personal things on here! My GGM, did act in my mums best interests when money wasn't left to her though. My uncle didn't have the same issues, so got his share. My share was in trust of my GP, they had some say over whether I received it or not!
My GGM, believed money was best used when needed the most! Hence why she left to GC, rather than all to her DC.
My parents have money, they spend money! A bill due at the end of the month isn't considered more important than tickets to see a band, that kind of thing! They aren't particularly materialistic and they aren't particularly selfish or anything. They just don't think, they live very much in the here and now!! The kind who get the train somewhere without the fare to get back home (that actually happened! More than once!)
It's difficult to explain, without them sounding like terrible parents, which they aren't!

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 21/01/2017 16:02

I'm not sure what my going to university as to do with anything really! If I didn't I'd be going to work so not at home with my dd!

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 21/01/2017 16:04

I probably know far more than I should about their financial situation Manumission

OP posts:
Atenco · 21/01/2017 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for being a personal attack.

Emboo19 · 21/01/2017 16:28

Ok then! Thanks for that wonderful pice of advice Atenco

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 21/01/2017 16:29

Piece! Even

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 21/01/2017 17:05

Emboo, I think a few people have seen your situation through very much their own preconceptions. You've had loads of ideas on here about how to approach your situation, and have a very clear grasp of your position, I think.

Manumission · 21/01/2017 17:23

Ursni had the same thought pickle but I didn't express it because it's hard to phrase it without sounding sneery and condescending about anybody that disagrees with you. I'm sure that isn't your intention, of course.

Emboo19 · 21/01/2017 17:38

My mums going to face time later tonight and I think I'll have a word with her. Just around what we will do, if I struggle getting to/from uni with dd and sorting childcare for her, either near home or uni. See if she has any suggestions or as thought about what might happen! Then at least I won't feel like I'm doing it all behind their backs and she may well have a plan of her own.

OP posts:
Manumission · 21/01/2017 17:44

I think that's a great idea OP

picklemepopcorn · 21/01/2017 18:11

I aim my tone at the person I am speaking to Manu. Sorry if you found it sneery and condescending. It wasn't aimed at you, but at the OP as I felt she was being given a hard time. I find some people on here express their opinions with a very brutal bluntness which I find extremely offensive. Not my place to call that, but I will offer the OP support where I can.

Blu · 21/01/2017 18:56

Does your grandmother have a house? Will she leave that to your mother?

I would get a valuation and see if you could afford two places, both owned by you, and live seperately.

Emboo19 · 22/01/2017 16:47

Conversation with mum went as I'd expected! 'Don't worry something will be sorted, you'll be fine going to x from here it's not so far' followed with 'don't you think you'll move in with J anyway'. So no use really.
Conversation with GD, much better. He gave me another option. I move out and rent somewhere with dd, closer to university, my mum and dad pay rent on the house. But they pay to him and he pays my rent. So if they don't pay he loses out not me! That sounds horrible, I know!

But my GGM, did leave money for my mum, just in my GD's name.
I don't feel so guilty now, they're hardly going to be homeless and my mums actually managed to spend a fair bit of her money over the years! God knows on what!!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 17:08

You called it! You know your situation, glad you were able to come up with something. What do you think DPs will say about paying rent?

Emboo19 · 22/01/2017 17:24

Honestly pickle I don't think they'll pay it! And I feel bad about that, but my GD is her dad. He said any rent they pay, he will only save so they can have it when they need to move out. I'm wondering why he never did that to start with though!

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 22/01/2017 18:41

Maybe they had other expenses then, raising you. Maybe he hoped that they would step up and save without his intervention. That is the kind of thing I do with my DCs nearer your age.

You've hinted that your upbringing was a bit unconventional... .

RogueStar01 · 22/01/2017 19:15

hmm, it sounds like your GD and GM are the ones that are effectively going to be funding you - they may be thinking that if you want to sell after uni and your p have knocked your GD for rent for 2 years they'll not be able to protest very much! At least this puts your mind at rest.

Emboo19 · 22/01/2017 19:32

Ha, just a bit pickle I think my dad was more proud of me getting a bf who played guitar than my 4 A/A* A levels! Said bf whom my parents invited to stay over on our first date, I was 16! I could list so much from earlier childhood, I'd be worried I might need therapy after though.
I know Rogue its my GD though, GM doesn't know about it!

OP posts:
Footle · 23/01/2017 07:23

Dear Emboo, don't feed people's curiosity too much on here. I think you're getting close to the stage where you might ask for the thread to be deleted. You've had some good advice but some posters are toying with you now. Have a good life.

picklemepopcorn · 23/01/2017 07:37

I'm still wrestling off my somewhat repressive up bringing... Takes all sorts I suppose. Sounds like btn all your older relatives you found a nice balance.

Anyway, footle is right, I shouldn't have pried, it just sounded so different and interesting. Well done on cracking academic results.

Emboo19 · 23/01/2017 08:54

Thank you Footle
It's ok pickle as I've said they aren't bad parents, my mum had a strict upbringing and they just raised me very differently. I guess having a child myself now, makes me think about it more. Was joking about the therapy though, I'm fine, was very loved and have lots of lovely memories. Do I wish they'd been more responsible, yes! But then I might not be who I am! Think I'll be raising my daughter a bit more traditionally though.

Thanks everyone for your support on here x

OP posts: