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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
ThanksSmile

OP posts:
MadHattersWineParty · 19/01/2017 07:10

I'm laughing at how a few posters would actually merrily write off a second date with a man who had the audacity to treat them as an equal.

SheldonCRules · 19/01/2017 07:22

Mad hatters, at least it's a lucky escape for the man. Who wants a partner who feels they don't have to pay for anything just because they are female?

There are still a huge number who take a mans salary into account when dating, usually the ones who don't want to work.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 19/01/2017 07:24

Evilrhooo makes a very good point. I'm going to ask my colleague who pays for their meals out - her or her wife? Confused Or maybe they are never allowed to eat out because there is no MAN there. Who is the gentleman? How can one of them show the other respect by paying for them? Oh no! It's a minefield! Hmm

KeyserSophie · 19/01/2017 07:28

I am old so never got into OLD, so maybe a bit out of touch, but my expectation would be that the person who suggested the date and chooses the venue (person 1) would be prepared to pay, but it's fine for the person 2 to offer to split it (when the bill comes). However, if Person 1 says "please, I insist" then the polite thing is to thank them and say "I'll get it next time"

This is regardless of sex of either person.

Frankelly66 · 19/01/2017 07:55

It's not about being equal, I just think men don't play games when they like a woman. So if a man asked me out on a date , I'd love it if he pays. And I'd pay second date. I wouldn't even go on a first date with someone if I didn't think there'd be a second. I'm not into dating.

If I was online dating when you never know what's going to happen and you are out dating lots of people then I'd expect to pay half.

BumDNC · 19/01/2017 08:15

My BF has more disposible income than me but I do try to pay half for most things, or we 'take turns', I will pay in full for our cinema trip and he might pay in full for a dinner - and I would get some drinks. Clearly my turn is cheaper but it's the principal of it. He's a kind man and happy with this. I tried to start this from day 1, I'm not well off but I want there to be some equality where I didn't feel I was just rinsing his wallet and giving him sex in return!

anxious84 · 19/01/2017 08:30

Hmm interesting. What did me and my gf do on our first date?.. Hmm I think we split the bill, but there was an awkward moment where, being both women, we just sat there....not knowing what to do and both blankly stared at the bill. Maybe we should have asked some random man to pay...or maybe we should have had some sort of dominance battle with an arm wrestle or decided who was the more "masculine" one Hmm

Newbrummie · 19/01/2017 08:32

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2016/mar/07/gender-pay-gap-uk-women-earn-300000-less-men-lifetime?client=safari

Well we don't have equality do we ? Do give me the £300,000 I'm missing because I don't have a cock and I'll buy everyone a pint

EweAreHere · 19/01/2017 08:33

If a man asks a woman out, he should offer to pay.
If a man asks a man out, he should offer to pay.
If a woman asks a man out, she should offer to pay.
If a woman asks a woman out, she should offer to pay.

How the invitee responds is entirely up to them, but I think how they do respond says something about them.

Ellisandra · 19/01/2017 08:38

I don't think the "who asked" thing is clear cut if it's OLD.

If a man at work unexpectedly says "would you like to go to see X at the cinema with me on Friday?", then he has asked me out. (I'll still pay my way)

But if I've been swapping messages for 2 weeks on Match where we have both clearly joined to find dates and have been talking with a view to deciding whether to have a date, and the initial asking if often a "so, shall we continue this conversation over a drink..." then I don't think it's as simple as one person asking the other.

Not that it matters to me. I respect myself so I pay my way. I only second date men who respect me, so they don't bat an eyelid at me paying my way.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2017 08:46

Splitting/paying half only works when you order similarly. I went on a few dates where the other person would order expensive cocktails, starters, mains, desserts, wine/beer. I was on a more limited budget and would stick to water, salad, cheaper main, just coffee for dessert. Then they'd try on the, 'We'll just split this.' Um, no, I'll pay for mine and you pay for yours.

Even had one do this and then say, 'Oops, I forgot my wallet.' Funny that, he remembered his car keys and mobile. No way I was going to pay for his £50 of drinks and food on first full date! 'That's a pity, but you'll have to work something out because I can't afford to pay for yours.' And I told the server I'd be paying for mine. Never heard from him again.

Frankelly66 · 19/01/2017 08:53

Ellisandra - just because a woman likes a man to pay on the first date doesn't mean she doesn't respect herself. That part of your comment was rude an not necessary.

Frankelly66 · 19/01/2017 08:55

I've not done online dating. I've only been on 3 first dates in my life. I'm sure it's different if you do more dating than that !

MadHattersWineParty · 19/01/2017 08:57

Oh of course it's not necessarily about splitting straight down the middle- but is IS about paying your way, and being happy to do so.

frieda909 · 19/01/2017 08:58

I've never been for dinner on a first date, just drinks. Much easier that way! I've found the man usually wants to get the first round but I'll always insist on getting the next one and taking turns after that.

If I ever did go to dinner on a first date, I'd absolutely expect to go Dutch unless maybe the invitation was specifically worded 'can I buy you dinner?' Even then I'd make an offer to pay, and I'd insist on buying a round of drinks if the date continued on afterwards.

I've never been comfortable with the idea of a man paying for me on early dates. It would make me feel like he expected something - a second date, at least, and perhaps more.

I did date one guy who absolutely insisted on paying for all the drinks. He eventually let me buy him a coke on date three after much persuading, and looked extremely uncomfortable when I gave it to him. I found it offputting and vaguely insulting.

KeyserSophie · 19/01/2017 09:13

I respect myself so I pay my way

I think that's a bit OTT. I sometimes treat my platonic friends, my family etc, and they treat me (i would never split the bill with my family- one of us pays for everyone). I dont think accepting someone paying for you implies a lack of self-respect. That;s kind of like saying that getting a present implies a lack of self -respect.

TheNaze73 · 19/01/2017 09:15

Dating really seems to be a major head fuck & surely all boils down to preference? So glad, I'm out of the loop.

According to this post:

It's a red flag if he pays
It's a red flag if he doesn't pay?? Hmm

At the end of the day, when a woman asks me out, I'd offer to pay, not because it's a control thing, not out of a lack of respect but, because I'd choose to offer. That's it. If someone wants to go Dutch, or offers to pay, not a problem.

I think as long as you enjoy the date & are arranging the next one, then just enjoy & see how it goes

MadHattersWineParty · 19/01/2017 09:16

It's the expectation thst you may just sit back and let someone pay for you without saying a word that implies a lack of self respect though and bloody entitled behaviour

Graciously accepting being 'treated' and being happy to reciprocate is a different matter.

Newbrummie · 19/01/2017 09:33

MadHattersWineParty - I only ever go on dates where I've been asked and frankly pursued for a while ..... after some of the dickheads I've met in the last few years if we are out together on a date then he's provern he's very very keen.
Love how it's that that's jumped on though not The man that has 4/5 dates a week ? I mean wtf. Shout about equality and good behaviour then that's you're stance. Fucking hilarious

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 19/01/2017 09:50

If you are looking for any kind of equal relationship, you pay half each on the first few dates. Later on, it can move to "I'll get it this time" and allow some flexibility if there's a big disparity in income either way.

If you want a Suger Daddy or "kept woman" arrangement, then he pays.

If you're an escort, agree on a price beforehand, get the cash upfront and if any drinks are involved, he pays for them too.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 19/01/2017 09:53

And if you think a man should pay, maybe use this website?

www.whatsyourprice.com

Otherwise, I think a man might expect you not to assume the role of a child or a prostitute and, you know, pay for your own drinks.

Newbrummie · 19/01/2017 10:11

I prefer you back to my earlier point, when I get paid the same as a man we'll reconsider the position. Currently I believe there's a 30% discrepancy in pay packets.

Frankelly66 · 19/01/2017 10:13

Newbrummie - I'm with you. Only ever go on date with someone I already know and connected with, and you know there will many more dates to come with that person. its not an expectation, they pay as a gesture, they want to treat you because they genuinely really like you. Considering my third first date is my current hopefully forever man, I can't be going that wrong ;-) :-) And no not my sugar daddy, we just love to treat each other on a regular basis !

I think the people so opposed to it are talking about online dating where you are meeting lots of strangers which is fair enough

MadHattersWineParty · 19/01/2017 10:15

There's a 30% difference in pay between you every man you've dated/will potentially date is there Newbrummie? Really? In every job/industry you've come across? Do you get this information out of them early on, or do you just assume they earn more than you?

RortyCrankle · 19/01/2017 10:16

RestlessTraveller
I can't believe that in this day and age women have so little respect for themselves that they insist a man pays, as part of a courtship.

Any chance you could amend that to 'some' women? Not all of us have attitudes which are stuck in the nineteenth century.