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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
ThanksSmile

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 18/01/2017 19:30

No the man should not pay. Going dutch is the way to go.

Butterfly2020 do you have any self respect at all? Obviously not if you expect a date to pay. Or are you just mean and stingy?

Old school bullshit - I'm in my 70s and have ALWAYS paid my way.

SparkleShinyGlitter · 18/01/2017 19:32

Admittedly I haven't dated for years as I'm married but when me and dh were starting out I always paid my half but I did like him offering to pay I'm not sure why.

You should pay your half

Pestilence13610 · 18/01/2017 19:33

Putney it all depends what you want out of the relationship.

Newbrummie · 18/01/2017 19:34

Tbh when I was single i was bloody brassic so if he hadn't been paying we wouldn't have been going anywhere. And he certainly wasn't sitting in my house with my kids. So if he wanted to take me out he had to pay, end of.

Butterfly2020 · 18/01/2017 19:34

Plenty of self respect thank you. Also, the last time I checked this is a public forum, and I'm allowed to have my own opinions. You do you, and I'll do me. Hope that helps.

Maverickismywingman · 18/01/2017 19:34

Should the man pay?
No.

If he insists then by all means. I think it's rude to assume someone is paying and when your begin dating, you don't know each other very well so it's only good manners to spilt (or offer to split).

Jules8432 · 18/01/2017 19:35

Erm I'm kinda torn on this as I always offered my half or returned the favour/drink etc... until I dated a millionaire

I traveled for over an hour every week to see him.
I have an ordinary job, im a single parent and never had help eith maintenance etc so really not got much.
He knew I'd had to take on a 2nd job to make ends meet.

He Accepted half the money for our 1st meal (After I'd travelled to see him)
I only had 2 starters
He spent the eve telling me he wants to buy a house every year just because he can and his son will never have to work a day in his life because he'll be left so much money.

I found him the most selfish guy I've ever met.. but I suppose that's how he's become a millionaire! Hmm

I think if you are similar earners defo go Dutch.. if he insists on paying and you're happy with that then great 👍🏼
If he's a millionaire then make sure he's not tight! Xx

Doolallylally · 18/01/2017 19:36

Always pay your way.

Doolallylally · 18/01/2017 19:36

Always pay your way.

c3pu · 18/01/2017 19:36

I'm going to go against the grain here. Early in dating the man should pay.

What a load of sexist claptrap.

MadHattersWineParty · 18/01/2017 19:42

MysteryCat

A man happy to split the bill on a first date is not a red flag! God if I'd believed that I wouldn't have got far on the dating scene. It's perfectly normal between two wage-earning adults in 2017 Confused

Holidayhelp2017 · 18/01/2017 19:48

In my dating days I always split the bill. My now DP wanted to pay on our first date but I said to him that I wanted to pay my share because I felt awkward about the idea of someone I didn't really know spending their money on me, I wasn't looking for a man to buy me things, and I wanted him to know that any dates we went on were because I wanted his company, not because I wanted to be spoiled. If I recall, he said that he would like to pay because he had enjoyed my company and wanted to treat me, and I said something like "if we keep seeing each other and end up in a relationship then yeah, it would be lovely to be treated sometimes and I would treat you sometimes too!" I had totally forgotten about all of this. When we became a couple we did take it in turns and treat each other a bit, and personally I think that's the time when you should pay for each other, rather than a man paying for everything in the beginning when they hardly know you! I'm now a SAHM so DP pays for absolutely everything. But we are a team, I'm frugal with our family money and DP knows that I always want to contribute my share to our family.

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 18/01/2017 19:49

On my first date with my now OH he paid for most of the drinks - though we'd been talking for a while before meeting and he knew the date was 2 days before I got paid and just after he'd been paid so he pretended to be a gentleman when actually he just knew I was skint Grin

I would never have dreamt of going on a date without the means to pay my own way, though in fairness, of most the dates I went on before him the man always made the first move of paying for drinks/food. I always offered to go halves or buy the next round.

StealthPolarBear · 18/01/2017 19:58

Why wouldn't you?

Offred · 18/01/2017 19:58

I think it is very clear that it depends on what kind of thing you expect.

Some others have said they consider it a red flag if the man doesn't pay.

I consider it a red flag if a man tries to pay, thinks they get to choose the date etc - things some women seem to consider the height of romantic behaviour.

I expect things to start as I mean them to go on - with me and my date on an equal footing.

Madhatterswineparty - that made me snort. I feel similarly.

SadTrombone · 18/01/2017 20:02

Definitely go Dutch. Don't let him insist on paying. Sets the tone for the whole relationship IMO (at the risk of over-egging!) - you want to be on an equal footing.

HappyJanuary · 18/01/2017 20:05

I'm ambivalent but have watched every episode of First Dates and First Dates Hotel ever made and the man almost always pays.

On the odd occasion when they split the bill it usually results in the woman phoning her friend from the loo to complain about his petty meanness.

rumred · 18/01/2017 20:06

It's ace being treated- and treating someone. When you know a person, friend or partner. But I think it maintains the status quo of male domination if women expect men to pay. Being tight has nothing to do with it

Verydownaboutitall · 18/01/2017 20:42

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

jayho · 18/01/2017 21:07

Last time I dared went Dutch on everything until it got a bit more serious and exclusive. He suggested and booked places out of my price range. I explained I couldn't afford it and he offered to pay. On the basis that he wanted to go to these places and he could afford it. I accepted.

However, later on our relationship we'd go out in a group and he would stand my round. I later learned that other members of the group thought I was a user, sponging off him...

DrMorbius · 18/01/2017 21:08

Responses to questions like this show the woman for what she is.

Two equal adults go out for drinks/dinner and like equal adults they share the cost. Relationship of equals established.

Two adults go out for drinks/dinner, one expects the other to pay (implying inferiority or some other bullshit excuse it's the gentlemanly thing to do ).
Relationship of superiority established the little woman needs looking after

Newbrummie · 18/01/2017 21:10

Oh gee, which site are you on ?
Would you like any advice on your profile?
When the bill comes I'll be honest I always said nothing and 99% of the time he would pick it up and just pay it before I'd even notice it arrived. That's just me, I'm sure others would have wrestled it out of his hand and thrust their cards at the waiter. I just said thank you and carried on with my evening or left depending on the vibe.

Ellisandra · 18/01/2017 21:14

OLD, I went for a pub meal first date. He offered to pay - I said no thanks we'll spit it. He tried to insist - I told him really no, that would make me uncomfortable. He chose to do just that by sneaking off and paying it. On that basis, no second date.

My fiancé - he offered to pay for the drinks, I said yes - if I paid next time (I liked him!) Next time, he didn't argue at all when I paid.

It's about respecting your desire to pay your own way.

I think it's shocking that women still expect to be paid for.

To want to treat others is a lovely gesture, and one it's OK to accept.

But to go in expecting to be paid for and calling it a red flag if they don't?
Shameful.

Ellisandra · 18/01/2017 21:16

Actually I think going for drinks only is a nice way round it, if you choose to go somewhere without a tab. You just get "rounds" so there's no discussion.

MadHattersWineParty · 18/01/2017 21:19

Right, so *Newbrummie', you're happy to let the man pick up the tab without saying a word (bad enough) even though you might have no intention of seeing him again? So you've just had a free evening, and he just has a hole in his wallet, and you're not even going to say 'I'll get it next time, thanks'.

That doesn't make you sound like a very nice person, IMHO.

And the dignified thing to do is to offer to go halves. You know, verbally, because it's a totally normal thing to say. There's certainly no wresting or thrusting of cards Confused