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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
ThanksSmile

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 19/01/2017 10:17

Although my boyfriend paid for dates, it in no way made me feel like I owed him or that we weren't equal!
If I'm out with good friends for coffee/drinks one of us will usually say 'I'll get it' I never feel like it's unequal but I can't say if I pay more or they do. Meals out we'd usually split how ever many ways, often one of us will pay on card and the others bank transfer from our mobiles to them. I have one friend who splits exactly, never buys a round just her own, she has issues with money and we understand and respect that!

lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 10:54

'Otherwise, I think a man might expect you not to assume the role of a child or a prostitute and, you know, pay for your own drinks.'

This is way too black and white. Personally I think paying for you shows care and concern. If my daughter was going on a date I would want her date to make sure she got home safely. Not just to protect her but also because it shows care and concern and is an indicator of how the man is likely to behave in the future.

HotNatured · 19/01/2017 10:56

I always offer to go dutch. However, if I like them and plan on seeing them again and they want to pay, as long as it's offered with respect and not forcefully, I accept, with the caveat that I will pay next time. It's just ungracious to insist on paying half when someone wants to do something nice for you, it's like you're trying to prove a point. You can be gracious and still be a feminist you know !

If I don't plan on seeing someone again then that's a whole different kettle of fish; accepting that they pay is pretty low. I will always pay half in that case.

Some of you really need to wind your necks in and accept some points of view on this subject differ from yours. You are actually coming across as militant and very hostile. This is a public forum and opinions have been sought by the OP and we all have a right to give ours freely without being on the receiving end of insults and scorn.

frieda909 · 19/01/2017 10:57

I have one friend who splits exactly, never buys a round just her own, she has issues with money and we understand and respect that!

You sound like good friends Emboo. I earn far less than most of my old friends from school/uni as a result of retraining and starting afresh in a new career a few years ago. There's nothing I dread more than the words 'shall we just split it?' after a meal out!

Trills · 19/01/2017 10:59

First date - go for drinks, buy rounds. Buying just your own drink feels weird and unfriendly.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 19/01/2017 11:01

If my daughter was going on a date I would want her date to make sure she got home safely.

If this is a first date, especially an OLD one, then I don't think that's necessarily the best advice. She should be in a position to make her own way home safely not relying on a stranger.

And would you want her to expect that the man she's with picks up the tab? Would you tell a son that he ought to pay for everything?

itsbetterthanabox · 19/01/2017 11:03

Split it.
Although you should be part of picking the restaurant.
It's a fact most men earn more than most women. If he picks an expensive restaurant and orders a more expensive meal knowing you earn far less than him I don't think you should spend outside your means to pay half.

Ellisandra · 19/01/2017 11:06

The gender difference in pay is a red herring, because your date is about two individuals not a society's worth of data. Yes there's a pay gap. But I earn more than at least half the men I've dated.

Similarly it's pointless to start throwing in the times people treat family and friends. I also do that - but they are family and friends, not a near stranger on a first date who you might never see again.

I don't think my comment about self respect is rude or OTT.

If a man wants to pay for you and you want to graciously accept - your call.

If you date expecting the man to pay just because he has a penis - you don't respect yourself.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 19/01/2017 11:08

I prefer you back to my earlier point, when I get paid the same as a man we'll reconsider the position. Currently I believe there's a 30% discrepancy in pay packets.

So there should be a 100/130 ratio when buying drinks? That's almost half isn't it? Just order more expensive drinks than whatever he's having and it'll balance itself out.

Also, who are all these people going for expensive dinners on the first date? Are you all dating Christian Grey? First dates in my experience are a couple of beers/coffees in a pub/cafe.

JudithTaverner · 19/01/2017 11:18

I always assume I'm splitting the bill. Often (on first dates) that's what happens. Sometimes the man absolutely insists on paying (or on occasion has sneaked to the bar to pay). I'd never expect the man to pay and I'd never not offer (insist) on paying my way. OTOH it's quite nice I think when they do pay (my latest guy did) although I accept that's at odds with my feminist principles. I won't let him pay next time.

Once (OLD) a very rich man took me out to a very expensive bar. I couldn't afford 1 drink let alone all the food he insisted on ordering. So at some stage I kind of ascertained that he was paying! He didn't get a second date anyway.

On second or subsequent dates I would always insist on either paying the whole bill or paying half. (Unless they get tickets for something and then I'd buy drinks or whatever). Seems fair to me.

PushingThru · 19/01/2017 11:57

This thread Grin. I can't imagine why conversion therapy for us gays didn't catch on.

CaraAspen · 19/01/2017 11:59

OP:
Erm...no. This is the 21st century.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 19/01/2017 12:48

It is interesting watching first dates how in 95% of the hetero couples the man pays. And most of the time it does seem to be expected, even if the woman offers to go dutch.

expatinscotland · 19/01/2017 12:53

I'd always assume I'm paying for my own, not necessarily splitting the bill as again, I've had plenty of dates where they went all out with expensive drinks and food and honestly, I could never afford to subsidise someone on that.

frieda909 · 19/01/2017 13:40

It is interesting watching first dates how in 95% of the hetero couples the man pays. And most of the time it does seem to be expected, even if the woman offers to go dutch.

I've noticed this too, but worth noting that on First Dates they get an allowance towards their meal (something like £25 each) so it's not like the man is covering the whole lot.

TorchesTorches · 19/01/2017 16:46

The two women I know who in their 20s and 30s thought it was more gentlemanly for a man to pay on dates are still single in their 40s. Make of this what you will.

Sallystyle · 19/01/2017 18:58

If you are looking for any kind of equal relationship, you pay half each on the first few dates

My marriage is very equal. And he paid for the first date. He is not my sugar daddy and I'm not a kept woman, I am the breadwinner for a start.

MrsBlennerhassett · 19/01/2017 19:02

I think id always take the money to pay for myself so i could pay if i felt uncomfortable in any way or if it were clear that they had expected me to pay etc
I would accept a man paying if i trusted that he was a decent person because i knew him but i dont think i would let someone id just met pay as i wouldnt know their expectations and wouldnt want to get myself in an awkward situation with someone trying to guilt me into sleeping with them because theyd paid for my meal etc

Original poster
PutneyPandora · 19/01/2017 23:50

Wow! Thanks everyone for all your responses! Such interesting and varied replies. I totally respect everyone's differing opinions on this.
I think if a man wants to pay...let him be the man..at least most certainly in the initial stages of dating. Let him pay. Just maybe ladies he actually wants to..and what is so wrong about that? It has nothing to do with being stuck in the last century or being made to feel like a kept woman. For the man, it's romantic, gentlemanly and part of the wooing process.
I have spoken to quite a few male friends about this and they are horrified that a woman would want to go Dutch on a date! That's what friends do not daters! They would feel insulted!
Some may agree on this stance...and some won't.

For those dating, I wish you the best of luck.

OP posts:
MadHattersWineParty · 19/01/2017 23:57

oh right, so you'd already formed an opinion prior to posting this thread then Hmm

Bant · 19/01/2017 23:59

So why is there almost no mention of the woman paying for the whole thing?

Surely that's equality. Sometimes men pay, sometimes you go Dutch, sometimes women pay?

anxiousnow · 20/01/2017 00:29

I was jusing thinking the same Bant. Women discussing if they would go Dutch or let him pay, only one or two women offering to pay whole bill.

Just out of interest, is it acceptable and gentlemanly for the man to hold door open etc, or do you insist on doing so. I like it if a man holds open a door but I also hold doors open for men, or anyone going through. I have been telling my sons to be gents, hold doors etc. Haven't discussed allowing women to go Dutch or not as too young. What about other stereotype gentleman actions?

Boolovessulley · 20/01/2017 00:54

I wouldn't go for a meal on a first date, I'd much rather keep it casual and meet for coffee.
Always drive there myself and always meet in a very public place.

I've had men offer to pick me up on first dates and I've always said no.

I don't mind a man paying for coffee or me paying.

I really think this avoids s lot of the awkwardness which surrounds dates.
Keep it casual and brief.
That way you don't gave to stay long if you don't like him!

80schild · 20/01/2017 01:03

I have always used the first proper date as an acid test for the relationship. I would be sceptical of someone that didn't offer to pay. If there is not going to be s second date split; if there is he pays and you pay the next time.

expatinscotland · 20/01/2017 07:58

'If you are looking for any kind of equal relationship, you pay half each on the first few dates'

What's with 'half'. You pay your own.