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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
Thanks

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 12:46

And that's lovely horrid .... I bet you made an effort too

HorridHenryrule · 23/01/2017 12:47

A home cooked meal is a deal breaker for most relationships. Can the man cook or the woman. Maybe that is a good first date if you're looking for that sort of thing.

HorridHenryrule · 23/01/2017 12:49

I chopped up the veg it was nice and he knew exactly how to cook the soup.

flamingc1appers · 23/01/2017 12:53

I think ultimately, good manners are about not making another person feel uncomfortable. A man treating his date as a woman does not mean he is demeaning her and I can't understand that kind of attitude tbh. One of the things that attracted me most to my husband was that he never treated me or expected me to act as one of his mates. We are "equally different", I would say. Also, being with a man who has a provider mentality is very handy when you have 3 young children and don't fancy rushing back to work.

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 12:54

But as a single mum I could not allow a man to come to my house to cook, shag or anything else for my children's safety and if we are talking an online date it's not actually a wise move to go to his either

CockacidalManiac · 23/01/2017 12:54

Imagine if Horrid's DH had asked her to chip in 50% of the ingredients. That would have been equal, no?

How fatuous of you.

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 13:00

In the case of a home cooked meal you'd probably bring the wine because that's what you'd be doing in that situation who Evers house you were visiting. That's not a typical first meetingbthough is it ?

expatinscotland · 23/01/2017 14:16

'Maybe that is a good first date if you're looking for that sort of thing.'

It's a very unwise first date for a lot of reasons, particularly if it is someone you are meeting for the first time.

LittleOyster · 23/01/2017 14:59

If I like to be paid for, and the man I'm with likes to pay, what's the problem? Those of you who are arguing against this, what is it that you object to? Do you feel it demeans you personally or womankind in general? I don't understand the censure.

ShatnersWig · 23/01/2017 15:20

Also, being with a man who has a provider mentality is very handy when you have 3 young children and don't fancy rushing back to work.

Charming. Let's use the man to get our children and then use him to provide so we can stay at home. Nice.

LittleOyster · 23/01/2017 15:24

Yeah right, I expect flaming is sat on her arse all day doing nothing.

Have you considered that she and her DH may prefer not to farm their kids out to paid strangers?

Being a SAHM is a sacrifice, you tit.

ShatnersWig · 23/01/2017 15:32

That was uncalled for Little. If two parents discuss and decide that it would be a good thing for one of them to be a stay at home parent (note, one of them, not automatically her) that's brilliant. If that's what they both feel is most beneficial to the child or children. No problem with that.

The implication was not that at all. "Don't fancy rushing back to work" suggests it is more about the poster in no rush to go back to work than an actual desire or decision between two people to stay at home longer.

ProfessorPickles · 23/01/2017 15:36

If a dates going really well I'll offer to pay half, but will be happy to let the man pay if he insists as I know I will pay on the second date. Or I'll buy some drinks too.
If it isn't going so great, or I don't think I'll see them again, I insist that I pay half!

MadHattersWineParty · 23/01/2017 15:43

People don't 'farm their kids out to paid strangers' when they both go out to work Oyster. I imagine they send them to a nursery or a childminder or leave them with a nanny? You know, people that they know and are qualified. They don't just leave them by the side of the road you know

CockacidalManiac · 23/01/2017 16:04

I'm in a LTR now, having done the online dating thing. Ironically, I'm a man and I've paid on first dates many a time; I've felt the societal pressure to do this.
I wanted to meet a strong, intelligent woman though while I was dating; a potential partnership of equals. I didn't want a pwincess who needed 'looking after'. I think expecting to be paid for demeans you, yes.

flamingc1appers · 23/01/2017 16:05

Shatter - of course I didn't "use the man" for anything They're his children too, you loon. He reserves the right to want them to be with their mother on a day to day basis and so do I. I'll return to paid work if and when it's in the interests of our family, but it won't be because I feel or am made to feel any less "equal" in the meantime because neither of us are of that mentality, fortunately.

ShatnersWig · 23/01/2017 16:09

Flaming I think it was more your choice of words that made me say that. "Don't fancy" rather than "opting to stay home"

flamingc1appers · 23/01/2017 16:14

Ok fair enough.

Cockicidal - "strong" or "intelligent" women don't all come in the same mould. But of course, who and how you date is your prerogative.

BarbarianMum · 23/01/2017 16:47

My advice to my sons is never to go on a second date with a woman who doesnt offer to go halves on the first. This thread has reassured me that this is good advice and will help them swerve those looking for a meal ticket.

BarbarianMum · 23/01/2017 16:55

Or with a daddy fixation. Or who are plain mean but like to hide it behind a facade of "wanting a gentleman".

They may miss out on the occasional strong, independent woman who really is looking for an equal partnership but just liked pretending to be a handmaiden this way but there will be plenty of strong, independent and honest women left.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2017 16:58

'My advice to my sons is never to go on a second date with a woman who doesnt offer to go halves on the first'

Why should anyone 'go halves' if the other party outdrinks/eats them? I'll be advising my daughter to avoid men who think she should subsidise their meal unless she has ordered similarly to help her swerve those looking for a meal ticket .

expatinscotland · 23/01/2017 17:02

And then I'll leave her to use her own judgement and run from men with interfering mothers like you, Barbarian. You sound a nightmare. I really hope my daughter doesn't wind up with a guy whose mother is still policing him about his love life as an adult.

Newbrummie · 23/01/2017 17:15

Her son will do what every other man does. Make a decision using his dick.

MadHattersWineParty · 23/01/2017 17:18

I find it unbelievable that despite having so much contempt for the opposite sex, Newbrummie, you still expect them to pay for your dates

BarbarianMum · 23/01/2017 17:39

Oh so you do advise your daughter expat - you know, before you leave her to make up her own mind. How very interfering of you.

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