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Original poster

Dating: should the man pay?

360 replies

PutneyPandora · 18/01/2017 18:29

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
ThanksSmile

OP posts:
dabbingcheddar · 18/01/2017 21:52

I really can't believe I just read that from chickenkatsu. You are one to avoid

Rockluvvindad · 18/01/2017 21:55

My ex was a "man always pays" believer. Then she wondered why I never had any money spare after a few weeks of seeing her regularly in London. I'm totally not mean with money, and treat it as fun tokens, but even that sort of attitude takes a reality check after a few nights on the cocktails and meals out. Funny thing was she was living with her parents at the time as she was saving for a house and had WAY more spare cash than I did as a divorced dad of two. Loved her like crazy though so never worried and just cried softly each month as I read my bank statements... ( that's a joke in case anyone didn't pick up the subtlety Wink ).

In the days of OLD and dating a few people at the same time potentially whilst you see who has potential ( as some people on here advocate ), you should always expect to go Dutch. It can get REAL expensive when you get on a roll and start going on four or five dates a week. That said, if I suggested a venue, I would always expect to be paying... I can't shake this dying ember of gentlemanliness, though I try to be a good feminist ! Smile

RLD

Welshmaenad · 18/01/2017 21:57

I paid on our first date (just drinks) because I asked him out. Our second date, I got dinner Friday evening, he got brunch Saturday, I also travelled to him and paid for my hotel (he didn't spend the night there with me Wink)

Now we don't really make a fuss about 'turns' or anything, one of us will get lunch, one will get dinner, whatever. I probably pay more than he does, or get the more expensive things like the room bill if we go away to a hotel, because I have slightly more disposable income, but it's not something we wrangle over.

I would never expect a man to pay for me and would not date someone who was set in the idea that he 'should'. I actually make a point of offering to pay for us both on a first date because any man who makes a big deal about that wouldn't get a second one.

Emboo19 · 18/01/2017 22:03

😳 I've never paid for a date, the odd drink but not meals or tickets etc! I've been with my bf since 16 though and he's always worked full time, where as I had a part time job round school. Plus I knew him really well before we went out.
I do find my friends tales of dates interesting though. I think it's pretty much a given that you should offer to go halfs. My friends vary on if they insist on paying or not though. All but one of my friends, hate it if someone wants to pay for their exact meal/drinks rather than a 50 split though.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 18/01/2017 22:07

I'd like to pay for myself, wouldn't feel right otherwise.

noego · 18/01/2017 22:22

Dutch every time. Its 2017 ffs.

Sallystyle · 18/01/2017 22:28

I would want a man to pay on the first date if he had asked me out.

I would offer to pay if I had asked him out I imagine.

Relationship of superiority established the little woman needs looking after

Not always. DH paid on our first date. No relationship of superiority established here. I can think of a few people I'm close to who had their first date paid for by the man and they most certainly don't view them as little women who needs looking after.

ALaughAMinute · 18/01/2017 22:43

I think splitting the bill is embassessing so if a man buys me lunch or dinner I would offer to pick up the tab next time.

dabbingcheddar · 18/01/2017 22:47

I concur with laughaminute. She can come out with me! This is definitely the way forward.

dabbingcheddar · 18/01/2017 22:51

PuntyPanda take on board AlaughAminute. Don't listen to the going Dutch bullocks. If you offer to pay next time, it's not awkward and you will probably get a second date! Everyone's a winner

dabbingcheddar · 18/01/2017 22:52

Sorry PutneyPandora not punty

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2017 23:04

What century are we in?

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2017 23:07

I think splitting the bill is embassessing so if a man buys me lunch or dinner I would offer to pick up the tab next time.

LellyMcKelly · 18/01/2017 23:13

Pay halves - unless he has a lobster and you have a salad. If you are doing OLD then first dates are really casual. If he insists on paying, then pay for a round of drinks after. After the first date, it's ok to take turns. I'd feel terrible allowing a man to pay for me for every date.

ImperialBlether · 18/01/2017 23:16

I'm divided on this one. On the one hand, I've never been out with anyone who hasn't insisted on paying - and it wasn't done with a kind of "I'll put you in your place" attitude. After the first couple of dates it was always 50-50.

I think at the beginning you're looking for a romantic relationship, rather than just a friendship. When I go out with my friends we tend to take turn about in paying. The idea of dividing up a bill is fine, but if someone started to work out what exactly he'd eaten etc, I'd be put off by that.

I pay when I go out with my children. I take it in turns with my friends. If I went out with someone on a date who wanted me to pay, I'd be put off - hard to say why as the money doesn't actually matter - I'd think he was going to not act as an adult and would want me to look after him as though he was a child.

The thing is that I wouldn't go out for an expensive meal if I thought the guy couldn't afford to at least pay his share. At my (great) age, though, I'm buggered if I want to go out with someone who couldn't buy me a glass of water or a glass of wine.

RestlessTraveller · 19/01/2017 00:05

I can't believe that in this day and age women have so little respect for themselves that they insist a man pays, as part of a courtship. Seriously, I'm agog. Have you thought about how this comes across to a man, expecting him to 'take care' of you, like you're some precious little doll that needs looking after. That way madness lies.

MouseClogs · 19/01/2017 00:10

I'm sure this has been mentioned but the whole reason that in days of yore it was the done thing for men to pay was because they were the only ones with independent money/a proper income.

So what possible justification would there be for it now?

Nothing wrong with a man offering to pay, but I too am agog that women don't feel demeaned by participating in a custom that only came into existence because once upon a time they were little more than chattel.

LALALALALAND · 19/01/2017 00:14

It depends on how the date is set up. On line dating etc split the bill. If you approach someone and ask them out then you should offer to pay and visa versa if they invite you out.

celtiethree · 19/01/2017 00:15

If u had a DS what would you teach them in this situation. I have a teenage DS and it pisses me off that there is an expectation that he shd pay, why?? Does he have access to a magical pot of money that covers two people, shd he get a part time job just to afford to go on a date. We want equality, so put your hand in your pocket and pay half.

Evilrhooo · 19/01/2017 01:16

Lolol why would you expect someone else to pay because he has testes? What if you are both female?

sonlypuppyfat · 19/01/2017 01:37

I'm nearly 50 I've never paid on a date in all my life

SugarLoveHeart · 19/01/2017 01:55

Generally, I've paid half. Or you pay this time, I'll pay next time. Or you paid for cinema, I'll pay for lunch.

However, when being wined & dined by a player he paid. And in that case dessert would certainly be in bed...

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 19/01/2017 02:07

just because it's what a gentleman does, spends his hard earned cash on a woman he has romantic feelings for. It's symbolic of his affection that he just wants to treat you and buy you nice things.

And why wouldn't the woman want to spend her hard earned cash on a man she has romantic feelings for and buy him nice things?? Why on earth would it be one sided?!

lottieandmia · 19/01/2017 02:34

It's best to split it. But a decent man will want to pay if you've progressed to a second date imo.

Frankelly66 · 19/01/2017 06:36

I would offer and happily pay my share but I wouldn't see him again if he didn't pay for the first date. Call me old fashioned i don't care :-)