Dating: should the man pay?

[PutneyPandora]

Hi,
I've been out of the dating game for a while but wondered in the very early stages of dating should you let the man pay for drinks and dinner, go Dutch or offer to pay something towards the bill?
I don't want to come across as a cheapskate but equally don't want to come across like I expect him to pay.
Male or female opinions welcome!
Thanks

My DP paid for our first few dates and only stopped because I insisted. Now we treat each other but if we go for a meal he ALWAYS pays. I can involve serious skulduggery! He is a very old fashioned gentleman who believes that women should be treated with respect.

My DP paid for our first few dates and only stopped because I insisted. Now we treat each other but if we go for a meal he ALWAYS pays. I can involve serious skulduggery! He is a very old fashioned gentleman who believes that women should be treated with respect.

it can! Not I can!

The above was to Newbrummie but I had a bold fail.

Once we were past first dates (50:50 split) I said to my (now) DH that I wanted him to pick up the bill when we went out but I would settle up with him later. There's a sort of glamour and romance in being taken out for dinner but of course I wouldn't expect him to actually always pay.

Hi Verydownaboutitall

*When you split the bill do you both pay by card? How does it work if the wait staff have already brought you the bill? Or do you need to ask for two bills when you ask for the bill?

Also, if one of you buys the drinks and one of you buys the meal, do you mean one of you buys the drinks over the bar first, or do you add up the cost of the drinks off the bill?*

In answer to the questions (from my experience): 1) You can both pay by card, or one can pay by card and the other cash, or both cash - it doesn't matter at all :) 2) You just wait for the waiter to bring over one bill and then you just do the mental arithmetic to split it into two. Then when the waiter comes over you tell them you'd like to split it/how much you'd each like to pay 3) It depends on what the drinks/meal set-up is; if it's drinks and dinner at the same place on one bill, that's harder but I know when I was saying earlier "offer to pay for drinks" I meant after dinner, you suggest going to another bar nearby for a drink (so a separate bill).

Been a while since I dated, but as a man, I always offered to pay for meal on first date (if first date was dinner).

Only once did the woman not make an offer of splitting the bill. I didn't ask for a second date.

On every other occasion, the woman offered to split. If I'd had a really nice night and felt I would like to see them again, I would politely "insist" on paying. They always said thank you, but if one of them had said they insisted on splitting after that second offer to pay the bill, I would have accepted graciously. If I'd had an ok night but not really wanted a second date, I would a accept their offer to split without a second attempt to pay the whole.

But how does it show respect to pay?

No way I'd want to feel indebted to a man, or for him to feel I was indebted.

Take cash in varying denominations so you can pay your share even if he wants to pay by card.

I have no idea, it is old school manners. The same as opening doors and the man walking on the traffic side of the pavement. Very divisive on here but personally I like it.

What century are we in?

How does man paying for meal equal man showing woman respect, Orlando?

Sorry, x-post. MN really really slow for me tonight.

Tee hee ShatnersWig - if a man ever gives up very quickly on trying to pay for my meal, I'll know there won't be a second date in store!

OMG at the man not offering to pay is a red flag, so is the woman not offering to pay selfish and a gold digger?

It should be dutch, it's no longer 1950. Any woman after a man for his money or "treats" isn't the kind of partner most would want.

I do think you should offer and dont believe that the man should always pay.

However if the man offers to take you out on a date somewhere surely they are expecting to pay. If the plans were arranged mutually then maybe different.

Ohh I really don't care what century we are in! That is what I like, and what makes my DP comfortable. Like I said we do treat each other now as I like to spoil him too but I do like a man who treats women with respect and I really don't see what is wrong with that.

I just don't see how 'respect' translates as a man automatically handing his card over while the woman just sits there.

No worries Verydownaboutitall. One of my friends is on OLD - she's gorgeous (looks like Katie Holmes but prettier, not a word of a lie. Cow ) and has experienced exactly the same situation.

I've seen her profile pic, which is representative, and her biography and everything and I don't know why, but I cannot believe it is the way she looks. So it may well not be the way you look either.

I don't think it's always straightforward. I got into the habit of splitting the bill or else alternating paying for meals or drinks out with my exh, which on the face of it I felt was the right thing to do. However he was so penny pinching, he would ruthlessly remember whose "turn" it was to pay, once very loudly at the end of a meal quite aggressively shouting 'it's YOUR turn to pay' in front of family and friends. (They weren't impressed, although I only found out years later! My mum said it was the moment she really started to worry about our relationship.)

It became exhausting really and over the years I realised he wasn't very generous at all, and his attitude ruined all the feeling that you were being treated at all. I know it's old fashioned but there's something lovely about being treated sometimes, without all the stress of totting up whose turn it is next time.

Has Pandora the OP been back?

I do hope this is not article fodder...

No plan is arranged mutually though.

Generally, in 90% of cases, the woman waits to be asked out by the man.

So whoever does the asking out should be prepared to pay for the meal.

If the woman doesn't feel comfortable, then she can insist she pay or go Dutch. The man can demur and insist, but if he doesn't get the message then he's got no manners at all.

Whoever does the asking out should offer to pay for the meal. Usually, that's the man.

As a man, I would 100% want to pay, I would avoid the whole topic of who is paying, discussing money on some of the first dates really isn't appealing/attractive to me. It is far more appropriate to pay alternate times (if both parties are compliant) then there is an understanding and no need for the awkward conversation. A woman or a friend wanting to split the bill is just cringe. All those who want to split the bill, don't meet me. All those who want to enjoy an evening and not worry about who the hell is paying, join me for a drink!!! Ladies! Don't ask to split the bill, next you will suggest yoga and soya milk to the man. Stop yourselves.

I think that it's better if you pay, let him know who's boss from day one.