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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

999 replies

Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2017 08:10

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*
OP posts:
LosingDory · 11/02/2017 00:15

I'm getting pretty sick of being in my head...totally OI in my iron now. He's been busy today so haven't really heard from him which is unusual and I feel like I'm pining around waiting for him to message me! Worrying that he's not interested when I know he is...it's really tiresome being me sometimes. Just wish I could relax and enjoy it!

FreeNiki · 11/02/2017 00:54

Hi just found this thread. On tinder and chatting to this guy. He seemed flaky. First matched in December and now only progressed to talking about meeting.

He is nice and friendly and asks me lots of things about me. But he will vanish for a few days and then come back saying he was busy.

Last time he hinted at meeting by giving a place and I asked when and he was non commital. Then vanished again for a couple of days. So I deleted his number as it was just pointless. Deleting his number would have meant my photo and status vanished as it is only visible to saved contacts. He must have seen it as he messaged quickly asking me to meet next week.

I havent replied yet. Do I even bother?

lastnicknamefree · 11/02/2017 01:16

Just back from my date it went really well! He was lovely, good company very chatty and no awkward silences. We stayed in the bar until getting kicked out at midnight and there was rather a lot of kissing goodbye outside. So all in all a success Grin

lettucesoup · 11/02/2017 01:24

last brilliant

LosingDory · 11/02/2017 06:33

I wouldn't bother freeniki it should be easier than that at this stage really (I'm one to talk!). God knows why he's stringing you along but could you handle being in a relationship with someone who drops you and picks you up when he feels like it?

Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2017 08:02

Free sounds like he's possibly married or speaking to several other women, I have had a few irons like this that vanish and then return over and over again, it has never ended well and has done my head in.

last glad your date went well, hope there's talk of date 2.

OP posts:
Bant · 11/02/2017 08:07

Sounds lovely, last
Hi niki - yeah, I wouldn't bother either. Some people want lots of communication, some people want sporadic contact every few days, and neither is 'wrong', the key is to find someone on the same wavelength as you, and this guy obviously isn't.

I'd move on. There are millions of people to chat to, who are nice and friendly. Go back and find some who don't make you feel uncertain like this one does. Relationships are supposed to take work and effort to maintain, not to start. It should be fun and easy at this stage.

Well, having sworn off online dating, this week for some reason I had four women that I'd sent messages to sometime over the last month all get in touch with me. I don't know what happened on Tuesday, but suddenly women started replying or messaging me out of the blue. Odd. They're like buses. (Some of them are big and red and have graffiti on them)

So, I've been chatting to two of them, one says she's too busy for a relationship, and yet she's looking for a relationship. Hmm. Interesting woman, but I think I'll move on.

Another one though, we've got a first date set up. She lives an hour away, but.. Well we'll see.

RunnnyMummy · 11/02/2017 08:19

miniop and last sounds like you both had great dates. Hope you have date2 soon.

I'm meeting a guy for lunch today. I saw him a couple of weeks ago. He was lovely but lives too far away and his work schedule completely clashes with mine. But we both have a day off today so we've agreed to meet as friends.

Lovemusic33 · 11/02/2017 10:00

info I have booked my slot in the chair, has only taken me 2 years to decide what I want and to be brace enough, hope I don't chicken out.

OP posts:
FreeNiki · 11/02/2017 10:06

I also managed to find him on facebook. He has public links on his wall to chat rooms looking for sex chat with women. The links are several years old but indicative of his general attitude.

lastnicknamefree · 11/02/2017 10:12

Ooh bant that's exciting! What about the other 2? You mentioned 4 messages but only 2 in detail so I'm nosey. Good work on the date. Have things definitely fizzled out with the last one you had the date with?

Runny good luck on your coffee non date, what's the betting you really fancy each other now. #sodslaw

Lettuce is your rescheduled date going ahead tonight?

rememberthetime · 11/02/2017 10:22

Nikki - follow your intuition on this one. he is clearly a bit of a player. If he wanted to give a better impression he would have removed the facebook stuff. Move on and find someone better.

What to do when you are messaging and they say "back in 45 mins" and you wait and an hour passes....you get on MN and wait some more :(

FreeNiki · 11/02/2017 10:27

if they back in 45 mins and keep you waiting longer dont sit and wait.

Bant · 11/02/2017 10:34

Oh another one replied with lots of lols and emojis. She hadn't wrttten much in her profile, and after exchanging a couple of messages it was clear she wasn't right for me.

The other one, well there just wasn't much of a connection. Monosyllabic replies. Too much like hard work.

I want to be interested in someone in order to want to talk to them, let alone want to meet them.

Last weekend I had a non-date with a woman who was too fresh out of a marriage to consider dating. Still staying at her parents, having moved out of the family home, leaving the kids with their dad, at Christmas time. Her head was all over the place. But I'd been chatting to her for a couple of weeks, so thought I'd go see a film with her, as she was funny and sarcastic and very, very bitter, but as I went through the same thing when I split with my ex several years back, we met for a drink for a bit of advice and moral support.

First thing she says when she sat down was that she'd done a terrible thing. Oh? I asked?
Two days previously she'd met a bloke just for sex. Met him, shagged him, would never see him again. She didn't feel good about herself.

Okay, I said. Well we all do things we regret when we're newly out of a marriage.

Oh and then the previous day she hooked up with a former student of hers (an adult, now) to give him a blowie in his car. And then she showed me a photo of him flexing his muscles in his bathroom, and asked if I thought he was hot.

...right.

Film was good. She was seriously fucked up though.

If it had been an actual date, it would have ranked high up there on my 'worst date ever' hall of fame. But as it was, my spidey senses were shrieking alerts before we ever met. Good to know I can trust my gut

InfoSec21 · 11/02/2017 11:54

Lovemusic well done for booking your appointment that's brilliant!! You'll be so happy you did it!

Bant you have a crazy time on OLD!! That mentalist one sounds nuts, fancy showing you the guy's photo and telling you all that!! I reckon you could have got a little treat out of that situation. If you weren't a gent of course.

The vanishing type of people are messaging other people. If they come back to you days later, they're keeping you as a backup plan. It's pretty much that simple I reckon. What you have to decide is whether you'd accept that for the chance it might work when you met.

There is still an outside tiny chance that WG might pop up at some point and say she has a window for that date. I'd know without doubt that she's just dragged me back up after something else didn't work out but that's the choice you have, you decline or you accept.

You also have another choice if someone goes quiet. You can either just forget it and let them vanish or you can drop a message to say hey looks like it's gone dead so I'll wish you all the best but I'm gonna officially drop out. That MIGHT have them coming back to you quickly to salvage it but I reckon most people would advise against this, it has a trying too hard kinda vibe about it.

I have no irons still so reckon I'll do a bit of looking today.

Pavonia · 11/02/2017 12:24

Hi all,

Is it ok to just join in?

I feel I'm definitely ready to date now. I joined Tinder yesterday. I have some matches, but the messaging hasn't been great. The guys don't seem that motivated. There was one that seemed promising but the messaging seems to have fizzled out after not very much. I thought he was promising as he was similar to me in terms of location, education, attractiveness etc.

There have been a couple where the messaging has been painful. Like they don't know how to hold a conversation. I guess I should unmatch but I don't want to write people off too quickly.

It went a bit wrong this morning when I super liked someone by accident. He then right swiped me and he doesn't seem awful but we are probably aren't obviously compatible. Again the messaging fizzled out quickly.

Am I doing something wrong? I've probably had about 12 matches in total so far and I've unmatched a couple. Is that about normal? I'm 47. OK looking. I've only got picture up at the moment so I know I could improve that. There are several that I haven't messaged with yet, one of whom is great looking and I'm too scared to message him.

I have a few child free days at the end of next week and I would like to fix up some dates. I'm in London so I thought that should be doable. One problem I've realised with Tinder is that if I am swiping during the day it potentially picks up commuters that don't live locally.

Just want to meet up with some nice, normal guys.

I've loved reading the dating tales on here it's been a real eye opener!

InfoSec21 · 11/02/2017 12:27

That's about my Tinder experience too.

I don't tend to use it really anymore as it's only ever brought about one proper conversation for me.

Pavonia · 11/02/2017 12:44

Infosec, that's a shame. I had high hopes as I'm in London. I like the app as it straightforward and only people you have matched with can message you. I have found my brief stints on other sites a bit yucky, or in the case of eHarmony you can't tell if people are paid up members so you end up wasting your time.

lastnicknamefree · 11/02/2017 12:56

Could somebody kindly start the next thread because we have 5/6 more posts before we're slung off this one. Have we all got Valentine's sorted for Tuesday now as the title mentions? Have we heck but still lets crack on hey Wink

lettucesoup · 11/02/2017 12:56

Niki he sounds bad.
Bant I think you may have to write a book with your "experiences"
Info tattoos really intrigue me. However I am too indecisive to ever choose one design. Plus I admit to being a wimp in terms of pain.
Runny I hope you have an enjoyable non-date today.

Yes 1st date is ON with Mr Norm. He has texted and rung this morning. I have had a few days off and have been able to chat. I have already said that very long frequent phone-calls are not sustainable for me. He seemed ok with this. What to wear. Still in pyjamas so I will definitely change and maybe put on some slap. Dress and boots, or nice blouse jeans and boots are the choices.

Hope all are having an enjoyable weekend. Feeling the cold here: brrh!

lettucesoup · 11/02/2017 13:00

Just realised I have 6 hours to go.I would really like this guy to be nice & that we get on.
Ever so slightly over-invested. When nervous I tend to talk faster and more than usual. Any tips please...?

InfoSec21 · 11/02/2017 13:02

Nothing for Valentine's Day but nothing for any other day either so hey ho! Someone please bring in the world's smallest violin ha ha :)

I might ask for advice about a non OLD person soon. Had mentioned it ages ago but didn't really want to write it down publically. Would love some angles on it though.

Bant · 11/02/2017 13:36

lettuce

The one single tip I can think of is - just be yourself. You're looking for someone who likes you, for you. If you pretend to be someone you're not, then things will inevitably fail.

This guy may not like who you are, and you may not like who he is. In which case, Next!

But be yourself, with the slightly too-fast talking.

Someone did that to me once, she was nervous and talked non stop, and I was blown away by her, partly because of that. If she'd sat and been thoughtful or quiet, I wouldn't have been so impressed. We were together for a couple of years after that :)

So be yourself

lettucesoup · 11/02/2017 13:37

Cheers Bant...that made me guffaw! I forgot to mention the loud silly laugh!

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