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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

999 replies

Lovemusic33 · 17/01/2017 08:10

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

OP posts:

minop · 07/02/2017 20:21

I think bants idea, he's like a dating genius!

rememberthetime · 07/02/2017 20:24

Info - do you mean you are spending all day getting a tattoo?? That's full on and then to follow it with a date...

I would be totally pissed off with WG if i were you. She is now sounding like very hard work. I gave her the benefit of the doubt - but honestly its the day before a date. She should be excited!

Bant · 07/02/2017 20:27

But messaging and texting is so artificial.

Several options.

She may just be after free drinks and a meal, and so attractive she can count on that with no need for her to keep being interesting.
She may like you but be keeping her options open
She may be worrying about whether she's overinvesting in you, because she speaks to you almost every day-
She may be just looking forward to meeting you, and hope you don't just disappear like so many men do.

You haven't met her yet.

I repeat. you haven't met her yet

Men, in almost all situations, have to do the chasing. This is, unfortunately, the way of things. It would be lovely if women were as empowered to chase as men need to be, and men didn't get put off by it, but that is the way things are for the moment.

So yes, it's somewhat rude. But you haven't met her yet, you can afford to swallow a little pride to be friendly and funny and amazing, and then meet her and see if it's worth more.

(Sorry, I disagree with the majority of women on here, as I've been in Info's situation, trying to get a date with an attractive women. Most of you haven't. I've succeeded, and then usually I've found they're up themselves a bit. Not always, and those ones who aren't.. Well it's worth a bit of swallowed pride)

InfoSec21 · 07/02/2017 20:32

So Bant, would you message tonight and say hey, any further thoughts on a date, do you still want to?

Then at least I'm offering her an out to say actually, I don't wanna anymore.

I offered her that out last week or whatever and she said she still did. So she either did or she's too polite to say no. She could always ignore.

jobanana · 07/02/2017 20:37

Ok here's an opinion from an attractive women ; ) (ha!) (no, seriously)

Bant is completely right. Persistence pays off. The one who keeps pushing gets the date. But only if she likes him to start with.

Any stand-offishness in the guy at all and ... sayonara.

He has to be keen. And not afraid to show it. And laugh at any (usually faux) rebuffals. And try again. He has to keep at it. And not give up.

Obviously the main thing, though, as ever, is chemistry.

Bant · 07/02/2017 20:45

If she meets you and likes you, she'll up the messaging.
If she doesn't, then there's no point worrying

But if you don't persist, when she's said she wants to meet... Then you lose

Seriously. Option d. Assume like she'll be there. No hesitations, no doubts. She said she'll meet you so obviously she will

This is the male version of fake it till you make it, incidentally

InfoSec21 · 07/02/2017 21:31

So I took the advice and messaged WG. I said hi hey hello and all that, hoped her class went well and seeing if she still wanted to organise something. Said totally if not, giving her the simpler chance for a declared 'out'.

She replied straight away to say she does still want to but tomorrow it out because of a work thing. I'm guessing she wasn't planning on telling me.

I told her that probably just as well as after a full day in the tat chair I'd probably not be on top form. That brought about a chat on all that and I did the usual we'll see how you're fixed and let me know kinda thing.

So you guys are probably right. She's hard work but maybe persistence is the key. I guess it makes no difference does it whether I do persist or not, it's not like anyone else sees me smoke on my own pride except all you lovely people :)

Bant · 07/02/2017 21:35

Mate, did you not mention the firebreathing midgets?

InfoSec21 · 07/02/2017 21:42

I didn't! Are we saying ladies love firebreathing midgets?

BernieBear · 07/02/2017 21:44

I'm a huge fan of firebreathing midgets, I'm almost weak at the knees just thinking about them

rememberthetime · 07/02/2017 22:09

I must be an unusual woman...I am really persistent. But mostly because I believe what people say. If they say they want a date i would be inclined to believe. But I would be the one pushing for that date, I think.

I am pleased you guys are here...my nights are sadly quite lonely at the moment.

I need to establish a fun routine to my evenings to make the days and weeks pass more quickly.

Do you think it is OK to go out with people (ie other men?) as friends when you are in a long distance relationship? Is that even realistic?

BaklavaBalaclava · 07/02/2017 22:19

I agree. If you had mentioned the fire breathing mindsets, she would have cancelled her work thing.

I think its fine to do whatever, as long as you're up front about it. So if they know you're not available for a relationship, and the long distance knows that you still meet people, them that's fine....

InfoSec21 · 07/02/2017 22:21

If you can go out with male friends then that's nice, they'd appreciate it.

I have a few single female friends who have all but vanished when they've got with someone. Look after your male friends!!

InfoSec21 · 07/02/2017 22:53

I'm usually persistant as long as I feel the other person is into it too. The WG stops messages after a few messages but claims to be still wanting to meet. It's all hard to fathom but I guess as Bant was pointing out, nothing to lose by hanging in there.

Bant · 07/02/2017 23:01

Remember the rule, info. She is the prize, so you've got to win her.

You're also the prize, of course, so don't let her treat you badly.

You've got to be persistent without stalkerishness

If she is weapons grade, she has lots of other men distracting her. Be constant, and funny, and sensitive but not a wimp.

You are better than them. Believe it. Know it. She will be lucky to be with you, and you will be lucky to be with her.

Then meet her, and work out if that's true or not.

This is just a date. Go on it. She wants to go.

And if she's not right, call things off, diplomatically.

Channel the firebreathing midgets

hoolabaybee · 07/02/2017 23:12

It's true that you just don't know until til meet. I had about 4 irons last week. Mr Security has been persistent without being overbearing n weird and even when I cancelled (wasn't sure I liked him) but then rearranged (at a loose end) a day later he still met me even though only gave him a few hours notice...I thought that showed interest which made me curious about him. I went on the date and clicked with him instantly! He always messages n planning third date now

Had almost given up hope too...

LosingDory · 08/02/2017 06:43

Wouldn't you rather be chatting to someone who is fun, flirty, hilarious, interesting, willing to talk...rather than struggling on with this dull sounding woman purely on the basis of her looks? Incidentally my iron seems to think I'm WG (I am not) but I am into him and have been pretty much from his first message so I don't need to play games

hoolabaybee · 08/02/2017 07:18

What does WG mean ?

jobanana · 08/02/2017 07:34

As Bant said:
If she is weapons grade, she has lots of other men distracting her. Be constant, and funny, and sensitive but not a wimp

Your messages will be competing with those of others also laying their suit. Remember that. She will be flitting between you all. You need to stand out.

Chucklecheeks · 08/02/2017 07:34

Ok I'm going to go against the grain here and say WG isn't worth the effort.

I get a lot of messages but that doesn't mean I expect the man to do all the running whilst I sit back seeing who is the most persistent.

I message men, I also ensure I respond in a timely fashion and put equal effort in to asking questions and making sure they feel how I want to feel... that I can pique someone's interest and that they want to meet me.

Looks fade, she might be WG now but ultimately don't you want to be with someone who challenges you in all aspects and doesn't rely on the fact that looks mean she will always have a date.

We don't know why she isn't responding as you'd like, she simply isn't. I'd move on to someone who interacts the way you'd like them to.

You've not even met and it's hard work.

InfoSec21 · 08/02/2017 08:51

There are two slants to this and both make total sense. The be persistant to win the girl and she isn't worth the hassle sides.

If I had a bunch of irons in the fire now I'd likely not bother but as I haven't, it probably doesn't matter dropping this one a few messages here and there to try and get the date.

I know she isn't exactly exciting but she just has something. She is WG to me, I showed my mate her pictures and he said she was nice but he wasn't like wow or anything.

When you mention spending the time on someone who is flirty, chatty and interesting and all that, I did that. I spent days talking to that girl who was all of that and then did the I'm not ready for this thing and wanted to be friends. And then deleted her POF account. Anyone we talk to can fall through and prove a waste of time.

Only good thing with WG is that she isn't taking a lot of input. If I was messaging all the time but never getting a date out of her, that would seem a waste of effort. I dunno, you're all right!!

Lilacpink40 · 08/02/2017 09:23

Hi I post on here occassionally. I met an iron I instantly clicked with, but then it looked like he wasn't keen due to my baggage (recent split and links with one exBF and still sorting finances with exH). Well we talked and spent more time together and date 5 is tomorrow.

Lilacpink40 · 08/02/2017 09:24

So persistence and patience can be a good thing.

zanywany · 08/02/2017 10:21

Had my faith in OLD restored a bit last night, my nephew and his girlfriend are a total match together and totally in love, they suit each other 100%, just found out they met online. Hope for us all!

InfoSec21 · 08/02/2017 10:44

That's cool, always nice to hear a good news story from it :)

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