Dating thread no 112, still searching for a valentine.....

[Lovemusic33]

Hope it's ok for me to start a new thread as the other is full, I have copied and pasted the rules.

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. *edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

Remember - I am interested to hear about your hot and cold Mr cook. What has the pattern been till now? Has he explained why he is being hot and cold and did you raise this with him or did he mention it himself? I am in second cycle of this with guy I am seeing, will call him Mr football. On our great recent date he mentioned he had done this and kind of explained but has then done it again! Not sure if it is lack of interest in me / uncertainty / scared of getting close. So would be very interested to hear how you have handled this with Mr cook.

Morning all

1. Hmm, I wear jeans and a nice top usually ... never heels just in case heightist
2. Not on a first date. No MB ever on a first OLD for me so no point
3. Not for me, need to have met someone to start sexting tbh
4. After I've met someone a few times
5. No MB on a first date for me ... not from OLD anyway

Plenty - well I would say he has done this 3-4 times so far. Once after a date and the other times after an intense period of "personal" messaging. I actually spoke to my therapist about it and she suggested he has an avoidant attachment style.It means that after exposing himself and getting close to someone he needs to step back from it and have time to think.

It stems from abandonment as a child usually and can be quite stark and seems very mean. But they just do what feels normal to them and in time they come back almost as if it never happened.

At first I felt very sad and thought I was being ghosted. I accused him of that and he said he would never do that and was shocked I would think it. So the next time I didn't assume he had disappeared but it still upset me. I am still trying to work out if I can handle it because unfortunately I have an anxious attachment style - so I need reassurance.

He has recently started telling me he will be in touch at a certain time or day. That works better for me (if he sticks to it). So he might say "Are you around tomorrow evening" and then I know that I won't hear from him till then. Sometimes i get a single message that asks me a question then he never returns to read it. Or he will not look at my messages at all - showing he is making a concerted effort to be entirely distant or he even turns his phone or the app off.

I don't think he knows he does this. Although he did say that he prefers to be alone sometimes, which I understand because I am the same. But so far, he has always come back after a day or two...I am currently sitting waiting for him to do just that. I half expect a message saying (once again) that he just wants to be friends or he will just apologise and say hes been busy.

You should read up on these personality types. It isn't something you can change, but you need to work out how best to deal with it, if at all. I am getting to the end of my tether, I think.

Hope that helps.

Thanks remember for sharing that I really appreciate it. That sounds very familiar and makes sense as I know he has a poor relationship with his mum. I will definitely do some reading up on that and think I also have an anxious attachment style. It's great you could be open with him about how it makes you feel, I will definitely need to do that if we have another date/ I don't get fed up of this. It's hard to know if it's that or" he's just not into you" but advice whichever way is to hold back and give space so going to do that for time being. Thanks again, and look forward to hearing how it pans out with him for you

InTheMoodForLove Let's just say that I've been very lucky over the last six months in getting my hands on a much younger, fit, muscley, gorgeous man. Not relationship material at all but quite frankly who cares when they're that hot

lastnicknamefree in answer to your questions:

1. do you go all out to impress on first dates ?.... Looks wise, I make sure I'm very well groomed but dressed quite casually (no sky scraper heels or skirts). Personality wise, even if I don't fancy them, I'll always make an effort to be interesting, interested and pleasant/polite.

2. do you wear your best lingerie ? Not best, but still very nice - matching just so that I feel nice.

3. sexting : is this a rite of passage with everyone you meet ?..No. Only once we've dtd and then only if I want to/feel it.

4. photo exchange - yeah that type of photos...... nothing I wouldn't be happy for my boss to see, e.g. smiling with a bit of cleavage/leg. I sent headless lingerie shots to my fling last year but that's it.

5. success story of serving MB on first date and still having some respect after (global hot topic of discussion, apparently).. No. I'm quite a nervous type so need a good few dates to warm up and work towards it. I generally go out with people I know from school/college/work etc.. so no strangers, it'd just feel ... weird / awkward. Can't say I haven't desperately wanted to though on one or two occassions! I always find that the waiting/working up to it though is the most exciting and enjoyable time in a relationship. You know, before you find out they're crap in bed/can't get it up/have a mushroom.

Remember I'm an anxious attachment person and exBF was avoidant attachment (researched this before as I commonly end up with avoidants). From my reading, avoidants often do enough to capture anxious people, and anxious doubt themselves so are more likely to persist/wait than secure attachment people would. I'm trying to look out for secure attachment men now, but maybe I am used to avoidants.

Since ending things I'm getting regular friendly messages from ex with kisses. He's trying to reel me back in?

Chuckle, remember and plenty I'd step back from these men as don't sound fair men. I'm going through a phase of walking away if in doubt though, I know it's harder when feelings are involved.

Lilac - from my reading avoidants are the most common type of men on dating sites as they are the least likely to have already found a relationship - so chances are more likely you will come across one. Typical...

I've deleted his number and moving on. Think it's time to give OLD a break.

Even if he gets in touch with me I don't want to spend time with someone who makes me feel bad. It should be fun, especially so early on. I made all the plans. He was lazy. I want someone to want to spend my limited free time with me.

Thinking about it he could only be honest about his feelings after a drink. Then he wouldn't mention what he'd said again till the next drink.

I'm a heart on my sleeve type of girl now and I won't change that for anyone. I promised myself open and honest and I expect the same. I don't mind reserved and cautious but drunk honesty is exhausting.

I think he has done me a favour.

Back from my date with Mr MOD, it went really well, met up at a local national trust place as we both like photography (he's much better at it than me), he was really easy to talk to, there were no awkward silences at all, we walked for miles, talked a lot, kissed a bit, went to the pub for a bite to eat (which is a big deal as usually I don't eat in front of strangers), we talked about a 2nd date and possible night away next month so all good. Now I have to decide if I still go on the date with Mr young on Sunday and/or Mr Guitar next week, I feel a bit uneasy doing this although I'm far from being exclusive with Mr MOD but I feel he's quite a honest person and he won't be dating others (just the sort of person he is).

Well, I took everyone's advice - had some Lemsip and Vit C then went on my coffee date. I texted him beforehand to let him know I had a cold but he was ok about it.
Date went reasonably well. He has an interesting job which he spent a lot of time talking about. I enjoyed listening but felt completely out of my depth as he knows a lot about politics and current affairs. But we did spend a couple of hours talking.
I'm not sure if I would go on a second date and nothing was mentioned. I think we'd either run out of things to talk about or really hit it off. Difficult to judge.
Anyway, I have two more coffee dates lined up for next week so I'm not bothered either way.

Runny I like the 'two more coffee dates' spirit. I'm going to focus on that attitude too. I have a date Sat and may organise another one for later the same day. Have to use the free time while I have it.

Chuckle it isn't you it's him and it's not all OLD it's him. So basically he was a twat but the next one may not be.

Love I'd keep the options open if you can. Did he mention exclusivity?

Glad your date went ok ish Runny, it could have been worse, sometimes it's just like that (I have had a few dates like that), move on to the next one

We didn't really talk about being exclusive but he has talked about removing himself from POF and has said he isn't seeing anyone else. He is calling me in a minute to sort out next date. I don't know what to do as I have quite a few others lined up but I don't thinks there's anyone as nice as him, we seem to have a lot in common and we both have the same warped sense of humour.

I have just arranged a first date with Mr Intellectual. if you remember, he is the one who only comes to the Uk for two weeks twice a year...hoping i like him, but don't fancy him. Not sure i could carry on a long distance relationship, but a friendship might be good.

But he is also the owner of an international company and therefore has the flexibility to travel as he sees fit. That might mean he can come here more often.

Still yet to hear from Mr Cook. One message yesterday and none today. Not like him at all. In fact he hasn't even bothered reading my messages - one of which asks him about the date we were meant to set up. Ready to give him a bollocking if he ever gets back in touch...

Well I have had a interesting week .... Had my date on Sunday with mrlocal date went well but not sure there was a spark, agreed 3rd date for tonight. Monday chatting fine ... He sent me a mesg 10ish which I didn't understand thought it was for someone else ... Went to bed didn't reply, mad day at work came home to 3 missed calls and a mesg asking me was I seeing someone else as I hadn't replied to his message!!! We'd met less than a week before!! Way too much ... I said I was sorry and yes still OK to go out Thursday ... Think I just panicked and sent it, I wasn't even that bothered!!! Anyway no response!! So thats the end of that .... not bothered ..... Sooo I been chatting to a guy on POF I normally stick to tinder ... Anyway he seems really nice a chef with his own restaurant ... Only slight hiccup is that he has a 3 year old ... We are both the wrong side of 45 .. But he wants to meet so going to go with it and he is very goodlooking and he cooks .... Got to be worth a punt!!! mrchef!!

It has been ages since I dipped in - 109 I think!

I have been dating MrLD for three months now, due to circumstances on both sides I didn't see him in December which made me sad, but despite flying home for Xmas with his children, and buggering off on a 12,000 mile round trip with work, he made a huge effort to stay in touch and send pictures and updates on what he was up to every day. Bade him farewell yesterday after a midweek get together - he took time off work so he could see me, bless him - and am more smitten than ever.

Have faith, dear hearts, there are some good ones out there. I only joined tinder for a flirty confidence boost after an awful relationship, and I found this amazing human who treats me like a prize he's delighted to have won. I hope you all find your amazing humans too

Welsh that sounds great, you sound so happy even having had some hurdles to jump. I can't imagine going past 3 months and being happy slaps self across face and says be more positive!

wingle - well the 3 year old thing is a tiny hiccup but how often, realistically, would that be an issue? I presume the mum has the child much of the time?

lilac I was exactly the same after my last relationship ended, it went sour so fast and I stayed longer than I should have because I thought nobody else would ever want me. My confidence was so low, and poor MrLD has had his work cut out getting me to believe that he genuinely liked me, wanted to see me, didn't mind me spontaneously showing affection or hold his hand in public or anything else my ex would not allow... But he persevered and kept telling me I was awesome. I'm slowly starting to believe him

Just had a 2 hour phone convosations with MR mod, he is quite sensible (more sensible than me), we talked about wether the distance thing was a issue and decided it was a bonus, he said he thinks it's really good that we both have settled lives where we are, that neither of us have baggage, we agreed that it's quite a good thing because things won't get too intense too quickly as we can only see each other once a week due to work etc.., if we lived closer it would be quite easy to get carried away and see each other too much. We talked about mooseburger quite openly and have kind of planned it for Monday (2nd date is OK isn't it? ), he also asked me if I can show him how to remove his profile from POF when he comes over Monday. He hasn't asked me if I'm going to be removing mine, he seems very trusting and maybe a little nieve ( I think he assumes I won't be talking to other men ). I have cancelled my date for Sunday as it felt like the right thing to do, I didn't want to get into the situation where I had 2 men that I really liked and having to chose . I am trying to tread carefully, at the moment he seems to good to be true.

Wingle, the 3 year old would kind of put me off too, I don't think it's wrong to feel like that, I decided this time that I didn't want to date someone who had young children, my children are growing up and I am enjoying that bit of extra freedom and I don't want to do the 'little children' thing again. My ex had younger children and I found it really hard. I think as you get older you just don't need the hassle. I'm quite pleased that mr mod's children are 18 and 22, the 18 year old lives with him but that's not a problem at all. I have done the whole 'step mum' thing when I met my ex husband, it was fun but stressful, I don't want to do it again.

Yes bant I agree ... Initially I was ooo no! My 2 are 16 and 18 so I have regained my independance to an extent ... But yes he's with his mum most of the week ... He was worried it would be an issue to me and that actually made me decide to give it a go!

Welsh, that's a fan update, you sound really happy

lovemusic I know what your saying, I unmatched someone last week because they had 2 children under 4. It's surprising how many men in their late 40's have very young children. With mrchef we get on so well I think I should give it a go .... Course it might well get no further than date 1 anyway.