Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done a horrible horrible thing

179 replies

Crisscrossthestreet · 15/01/2017 23:19

And the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

I've been divorced for 6 years from my ex, we have 2 children together. He's been with his wife for 3 years. We divorced because of his infidelity (not with his wife, random other women)

I split from my partner four months ago. We have 1 child together.

I was feeling so low. A second marriage down the drain. 3 children to raise on largely on my own. Ex DH came round to deliver DDs hockey stuff a few nights ago, we ended up having sex.

I feel sick with myself. Shakes and cold. I never ever ever would have though I would sleep with somebody else's husband. His wife is so lovely, such a good stepmother and it's fucking eating me up that I've done this. I know how it feels to be on the end of it and now I've done it too.

I have no excuse, I'd had half a bottle of wine but I wasn't drunk, slightly tipsy.

I have to collect the children from her tomorrow morning and I don't think I can.

I don't want to tell her. The children love her so much and would be devestated. Ex and I would never get back together again. It doesn't work between us although we have always stayed quite close friends (up until now really). I've just not answered since it happened and he's getting increasingly frantic that I'm not ok (and probably worried I'm going to tell her)

What do I do?

I was thinking just stop all contact other than DC, drop and pick up at the door etc. But how do i explain that to the kids? And his wife would know something was up to.

I fully expect to have my arse handed to me by you guys. I've done it enough times on this board myself.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 16/01/2017 14:24

Get yourself to a clinic - I'm much better giving practical advise.

Then distance yourself just enough so the DC don't know. Don't put yourself in that position again and try Nd get over what you have done. Learn from it? Be clear in your own head why it happened so that you can move on with damage limitation.

Don't put anything in text either

Costacoffeeplease · 16/01/2017 14:28

Absolutely put a stop to him 'letting himself in' that's ridiculous and asking for trouble

ShatnersWig · 16/01/2017 14:36

The only people who have a key to my house other than me are my parents and a friend, both in case of emergency. I would not allow a cheating ex free access to my house, no matter how civil things might be.

ChuckSnowballs · 16/01/2017 15:01

I was on the sofa with wine watching a film, he let himself in and came in the living room (perfectly normal for us).

Perfectly normal...for married people.

Not for those not trying to sleep with each other.

Original poster
Crisscrossthestreet · 16/01/2017 15:10

I should make it clear his wife also lets herself in. Just a quick knock and then they come in. I've always tried to maintain a nice atmosphere for the DC, which is now beyond messed up. Because any change to it is going to have his wife asking what's happened.

Best for who? Best for her. She won't be stuck with a cheat.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/01/2017 15:38

I'm thinking he's emphasising the 'it could only be you' stuff cos he's hoping to line you up for an on-going thing. After all, if it keeps happening it's destiny, right?

You have to say to him that he's not to knock and just come in anymore. He can do that when he's with his wife. Things have to change. If he's genuinely sorry about cheating on his wife then he will be OK with being more formal with you and avoiding being alone with you without it being a big deal.

Huskylover1 · 16/01/2017 15:39

Best for who? Best for her. She won't be stuck with a cheat

If you want to tell her he is a cheat, then you could (and should) have done this before she waltzed down the isle with him. Now is too late.

There is not a cat in hells chance that you are the only OW.

NOT. A. CHANCE.

Rafflesway · 16/01/2017 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bathintheafternoon · 16/01/2017 15:53

I've been here, twice. Didn't learn my lesson from the first time. Difference is I told the wife.... massive mistake. Move on and forget but it does take time.

RonaldMcDonald · 16/01/2017 16:40

Op( thi

This first thing that struck me was how you were trying to pretend this wasn't a completely deliberate act.

The other thing I feel by your answers is that you're genuinely not quite done with him. When a man has constantly chosen others over you it would be easy to see how you might feel this way. How you might like him to choose you. How much anger remains there.

His marriage seemed happy, where you two had not managed to be and yet you'd told him he couldn't/shouldn't be in a relationship.
Did you go about putting a spoiler in just to prove it? If the shag doesn't end them you telling her ' for her own good' just might. Are you that angry?

Could there be a little part of this that you wanted, a little part you'd romanticised into something far more special and healing and YES than it turned out to be?

You talk about how he has easily hidden his 'affairs' in the past. Surely you aren't an affair you're a quick fuck
You talk about being pulled back in. Surely all that happened was a destructive shag

I genuinely think you should see a therapist and get this all out. Then you can actually move on. I had a serial shagging husband and he was an ear worm until I spent proper time sorting my shit out. I would quite easily have been you.

Original poster
Crisscrossthestreet · 16/01/2017 16:48

Ronald. The time I told him he shouldn't be in a relationship was when he was single, ages before he met his wife. And based on his own words that he didn't want a monogamous life. He says he struggles with that aspect of his life and also wanting a family life. This was all years ago. I haven't had a conversation with him like that for a long time.

I said he was very good at hiding affairs. I was using it as an umbrella term for everything from a one night stand-full on affair.

I had therapy. I don't disagree that I probably need to go back.

OP posts:
Curly1girl · 16/01/2017 17:05

Sounds as if he had this in mind, maybe even subconsciously, from the time you split up with your ex, lingering over visits and texts, he's a serial cheater who cant resist the thrill. You were vulnerable and he swooped in. Its happened so you can't change that, don't beat yourself up anymore. Just don't be alone with him but occupy yourself with how to move forward with your life. You will get through it older and wiser.

Adora10 · 16/01/2017 17:22

Yeah you did do a really horrible thing and for that you have to take full responsibility, he didn't force you did he - at least you are feeling shit about it and hopefully won't allow yourself to be played again like that.

Stop allowing him to come and go as he pleases, he thinks he can do what he wants, including having a shag with you when the fancy takes him but you are an adult and need to put a stop to this, it's really not difficult.

steppemum · 16/01/2017 17:33

sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but his post sex text to you is trying to put the blame firmly at your door.
Oh. I've been so good and now YOU have made me fal. Only YOU coudl do that.
Don't bite. Wasn't at all surprised to see you follow up that he had been hanging round more and talking about old times.

He has engineered this. Of course you are responsible for your actions, but he was looking for this wasn't he?

Studyinghell · 16/01/2017 20:23

Can't actually believe some of the utter shite I'm reading on here Confused yes we all agree he's the worst of the worst, absolute nob jockey. No doubt. He's the married 1, he's the cheat. But seriously. What happened to girls sticking together. His wife looks after your children. Has a glass of wine at drop off with you. You need to tell her. She needs to know. Yes she might leave him, she might not, things will change for your kids. But that's yours and his doing. Not hers! She has a right to know. You can just imagine the Thread a year down the line. " my husband cheated with his ex-wife whilst I babysat " for all you know she may of sacrificed having her own children because of the present family Dynamics.

Studyinghell · 16/01/2017 20:28

And I noticed up thread, you said, I can just hope he cheats on her again and she'll leave him, that insinuates to me that you don't care that much about things being messed up for your kids, you just don't want to be blamed

LadyVampire · 16/01/2017 20:39

Best for who? Best for her. She won't be stuck with a cheat.

If there was genuine concern about her being stuck with a cheat then you would be telling her now or encouraging your ex to.

I'm currently awaiting an STD result due to an ex cheating and hiding it from me so it's not just the emotions that are compromised with cheating.

We all screw up OP and make mistakes but trying to make things right as far as possible is what makes a better person.

I think your DH should at least make sure he isn't compromising his wife's health. I don't know how things can be done to protect the kids whilst giving his wife the honesty she deserves. But it is you and your ex that have potentially changed your children's set up and it isn't fair to expect his wife to pay the price and live with a liar and a cheat just to keep it good for the kids it's a double insult. Step parents should not be picking up the pieces after parents who choose not to put their kids first especially in this case given it's already a huge betrayal.

It must have killed finding out he cheated on you would you have preferred not knowing and spending all that extra time with a cheat?

Sorry if my post sounds harsh it isn't meant and again we all screw up.

Talkingmouse · 16/01/2017 20:51

Sounds like you have made no attempt to put any distance between yourselves yet. Why is he still texting you? One simple text: don't ever contact/text/speak to me against unless about kids. Don't reply to any other text. Don't ever be 1-1 with him again. Don'y speak to him again unless about kids. Don't let him walk into your house again. Start making plans about wtf you will do when she does find out.

CatBallou2 · 16/01/2017 21:19

I'd say he should tell his wife who he really is and what he's done, if she doesn't already know his form. The deceipt is awful, and she doesn't deserve this.

RockyBird · 16/01/2017 22:35

My friend's DH went over to his ex wife's to tell his kids from first marriage their new bro had arrived.

Wine was had and a shag happened. The ex made sure my friend found out. That was 12 years ago and friend is still together with him. In fact they only married about 6/7 years ago. They've managed to get past him shagging his ex the night their first child together was born.

differentnameforthis · 18/01/2017 08:49

Still don't understand WHY he needed to return stuff for his daughter who was at his house, couldn't she have just bought it home when she came home? Its not possible to drop something off form HIS house that his daughter had forgotten while she was still at HIS house.

HelenDenver · 18/01/2017 08:59

Maybe DD was going to school in between the contacts and didn't want to carry the kit?

VivDeering · 18/01/2017 09:13

Best case scenario is that he cheats with someone else and she finds out and leaves him.

But that's not the best case is it? He's already cheated with someone else and she hasn't found out and she's still providing childcare for them!!

HecateAntaia · 18/01/2017 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleballerina · 18/01/2017 09:28

Your poor poor children. Sounds like the step mother is the only decent person in their lives and you may have ruined that.
Are you jealous of her or of their relationship?
You've painted a picture of how awful he was when you were together but he can't be that awful if you've slept with him again.