I've done a horrible horrible thing

[Crisscrossthestreet]

And the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

I've been divorced for 6 years from my ex, we have 2 children together. He's been with his wife for 3 years. We divorced because of his infidelity (not with his wife, random other women)

I split from my partner four months ago. We have 1 child together.

I was feeling so low. A second marriage down the drain. 3 children to raise on largely on my own. Ex DH came round to deliver DDs hockey stuff a few nights ago, we ended up having sex.

I feel sick with myself. Shakes and cold. I never ever ever would have though I would sleep with somebody else's husband. His wife is so lovely, such a good stepmother and it's fucking eating me up that I've done this. I know how it feels to be on the end of it and now I've done it too.

I have no excuse, I'd had half a bottle of wine but I wasn't drunk, slightly tipsy.

I have to collect the children from her tomorrow morning and I don't think I can.

I don't want to tell her. The children love her so much and would be devestated. Ex and I would never get back together again. It doesn't work between us although we have always stayed quite close friends (up until now really). I've just not answered since it happened and he's getting increasingly frantic that I'm not ok (and probably worried I'm going to tell her)

What do I do?

I was thinking just stop all contact other than DC, drop and pick up at the door etc. But how do i explain that to the kids? And his wife would know something was up to.

I fully expect to have my arse handed to me by you guys. I've done it enough times on this board myself.

I think he is at fault not you he is married to her you have made no commitment to her I understand you feel bad but don't beat yourself up it won't help you , you were vulnerable and he took advantage , and ex sex when they are still in touch due to the kids so you get time on your own with an ex on a regular basis with someone you at least used to be attracted to , in this situation it is very common ime , I would rather know if I was his wife I know lots of people are telling you not to say anything but that's how people like your ex dh get away with it again and again, be kind to yourself .

I agree that it's on both of you. You may be single but you slept with him knowing his lovely wife was at home waiting for him, that's not morally right.
However it's done now. If I was you I would cut all contact with him apart from DC related stuff. Tell him you never want to talk about what happened again and ignore any texts about it.

Bloody hell the double standards on this thread are shocking. Of course the OP wasn't groomed. She willingly had protected sex with her ex husband. Or should we assume all the OW of the women who come here to talk about their partners and husbands having cheated on them are all innocent victims and all the men are the ones in the wrong? What about when it's the woman who has cheated? Who did the grooming then?

OP I'd imagine that you have done what thousands of others have done in having sex with your ex because he's familiar and because he was your husband and is father of your children you feel that he is still yours in a way and you have a right to have sex with him, even though you know after the event that you were in the wrong.

But unlike others I actually think you are far more to blame than he is. Because while he is the one who has cheated on his wife, you are the one who has the first-hand experience and knowledge of what it's like to be cheated on by him, and yet you willingly went there anyway without so much as a thought for his wife or your children who she was looking after while you were shagging her husband.

You have both completely destroyed the dynamic in your family and obliterated the relationship between you and your children. He will no longer be able to have an amicable setup where his children can show him something in your house, or where you can have a discussion about anything other than your children. And his wife is bound to know that something is wrong, you saying that he's good at covering up affairs sounds like minimising on your part.

His wife deserves to know so she can decide whether to stay with him, and so she's not unwittingly in an amicable friendship with her husband's OW, and so that there are no further chances for you to sleep with him again, because I guarantee that the more you cover this up, the more likely it is to happen again.

You don't need to call him and talk about it OP, or be "back in the thick of it". Just act like it never happened - ignore all texts, phone calls etc and keep contact to a minimum, don't be alone with him etc.

You will have had an incline that inviting him to join you for a glass of wine wasn't the best idea...it's good that you genuinely feel contrite but I worry that you're wanting this to continue in some way...

Please remember how you felt when you were on the receiving end. His poor, poor wife.

The person you've hurt most here is yourself because you've got to live with the guilt. I would keep my mouth shut and never be alone with him again.

His wife will find out soon enough if that's how he lives his life.

I'd mentally put some distance between the two of them and would stop his cosy nesting in your house.

He's not to be trusted.

His wife is going to need some support when the shit hits the fan as I don't think he's capable of being faithful to anyone.

Stop beating yourself up. It's not going to change things.

I'm angry I've let myself be pulled back into his bullshit. I was fully removed from his crap and now I'm right back in it

I think you need to cut this dead now.

This didn't happen, and I don't want to discuss this topic ever again. Don't text me unless its relates to the children

I also disagree that you should tell her. Its his issue

what a fucking nightmare, and time will pass I hope

he will be shitting himself - so you do have the upper hand

"But unlike others I actually think you are far more to blame than he is. Because while he is the one who has cheated on his wife, you are the one who has the first-hand experience and knowledge of what it's like to be cheated on by him,"

Eh?

He has first hand experience of what happened when he last cheated on a wife too!

Nice piece of woman blaming!

Liiinoo speaks sense.

Good grief, callmemaybe, OP isn't far more to blame than exh. What an absurd notion.

You are guilty as charged, as he is, but It is not your place to tell the stepmother of any such thing.

The kids come first. Their welfare and mental state is paramount. If he decides to tell his wife, or the wife finds out about his extramarital affairs, then fair enough.

But you should stay quiet. Your job is to deal with your guilt, act normal, and never stray again. You can control this - if you cannot, then you will only make things worse for everyone concerned.

Even from this situation, you can still hold your head high if you paint a future of repentance.

Bloody hell the double standards on this thread are shocking

^ This. And the double standards on this thread compared to if this had been the exDH posting. Groomed? What absolute crap and what an insult to those that have been groomed

Again, I don't think it's double standards to blame the cheating party more.

Nope. I was the one cheated on. I said that OP was vulnerable and he groomed her

No he didn't groom her!

How do you think comments like that make people feel who have actually been groomed?!

I'm angry I've let myself be pulled back into his bullshit. I was fully removed from his crap and now I'm right back in it

That's an interesting way of putting it OP.

What makes you say you were 'pulled back in', rather than you walked back in?

It's probably best not to focus on who is more to blame here, as you'll need your mental energy to focus on what to do next and how to move on from this.

But at the same time, letting yourself believe you were a victim by using language like "I've let myself be pulled back into his bullshit", probably won't help either.

There is only one victim here and that is his wife - the lovely stepmother to your children, who had zero choice in her husband and his ex having sex with each other.

I think moving forward will be easier if you keep that in mind.

foolish mistake....hands up who has never made one?

As others have stated keep away, sever all contact, get therapy.

I am not sure groomed is the right word...however I do think you were vulnerable and he played on it. I think this is part of how he plays it . I do suspect he has slept with others.

Yes you do have a responsibility in this, however what is now important is how you proceed..

I would now be prioritising the children. You need to tell him you only have a relationship as parents. Things go back to how they were before you split with partner.

You have to decide whether to tell her or not and then move on from there.

You never drink near Ex even at party..You are on anti biotics, health kick , Dry January whatever you think will fit.. No drinks and once kids have shown photo's he leaves.

Yes op you did a really crappy thing, but you are just going to have to swag it out.
You are a grown woman and you knew what you were doing with your ex - a man who has done it over and over before.
By telling his wife you will only make her as miserable as you are.
Put it to the back of your mind and dont let it happen again and just carry on as things were (without the shagging the ex Bit)
Why would you want rock the boat with your children and their children?
You can't undo now, it's happened so just move on from it. Eventually you will get back to some kind of normal. Take the shame and angst you are feeling and use it as a reminder not to go there again.

Why is it relevant whether he cheated previously or not? OP was the one who willingly had sex with him. To talk about how he previously will have cheated is just minimising the OP's involvement in the situation.

And as for talking about never being alone together again, never drinking in his company again etc, that isn't dealing with the issue is it? This is about far more than just the fact that the OP slept with him this once, if the OP needs to take steps to be away from him, never to put herself in that situation again, then what needs addressing is the fact that she clearly isn't over him and wants a sexual relationship with him, and would be in a position to have one if they end up alone together.

If I ended up in bed with my ex I wouldn't be questioning how I could face his wife again, I would be questioning whether there were unresolved feelings which had led me back to that place, and if so, why.

The OP has been hurt by this man, and yet she is now complicit in hurting someone else with this man. Even if she doesn't tell, there are no guarantees the wife won't find out, and more to the point, that she won't tell the children, and then what?

ah I think you got played by quite a skillful manipulator of women too. What a turd he is. Unfortunately, I don't think you can be his wife's support when she eventually finds out that he's a scumbag because you can be sure he'll foul that well by revealing this at that point. I agree I'd handle it like stopfuckingshouting from now on, and you having to live with knowing about this is enough punishment in my book. Try not to let it get you down and focus on what positive moves you want to make in your life now.

Sorry - haven;t had time to read all the thread (am just going out).
No need to berate you - you are doing that yourself,yes what you did was wrong.

But to me it sounds like he is stamping his ownership on you. he didn't want you but he didn't like it when someone else 'had' you - you have now split with your partner, and he is 'reclaiming' you. he started all this nonsense when you split up and now he's finally got what he wanted. Big ego boost for him.

Steer well clear of him - only have contact over the children. I don;t know what to say about telling his wife - I think if I were her i would want to know so I could choose whether I spent the rest of my life with a cheating bastard or whether I moved on to a relationship with someone who valued me. But it's a big decision with massive fall out if you do tell.

yeah i'm sure he thought it was a convenient opportunity to have a shag on the side with somebody conveniently on his existing route, the slimebag. I'll admit, I spinelessly wouldn't tell because of the fallout for my kids. It's not terribly morally lovely though as I do generally think she has a right to know.

No you haven't been dragged back into his bullshit, you made a terrible mistake and for the sake of your children you're going to forget it ever happened. Look on the bright side, you can stop playing into his reformed character persona and distance yourself from this cheating twat. You can be polite without pretending to be friends.

"The wife is the ex's issue, not OP's"

This is the same woman who was watching her children while OP was fucking her husband.

To compare the OP to some single stranger is ridicilous.

She cheated on and betrayed the woman who loves and looks after her children - not some anonymous wife she's never met.

I am absolutely disgusted that you had sex with him while she was taking care of your children.

This will hurt her so much more than a random stranger but yes, you do need to own your mistakes. Why?

There is just no fucking way you will be able to keep this inside for years to come

And she doesn't deserve to be lied to for years. She just doesn't and you know what you need to do.

Bad move, but he's the one with the contract with his wife. Not you. He's the one who cheated. Not you. With his track record, it's unlikely that you are the first either.

Telling her will help no-one.

You need to completely forget this and so does he.

From his wife's POV, she knows he's divorced and she must either know or at least reasonably suspect he cheated on you. So, she does know what kind of a man he is.

From his POV he's just a cheat, always will be.

From your POV you fucked up but if both of you forget it and don't tell anyone, there shouldn't be any damage. Re hand overs you need to try and put a brave face on as though nothing's up.