I've done a horrible horrible thing

[Crisscrossthestreet]

And the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

I've been divorced for 6 years from my ex, we have 2 children together. He's been with his wife for 3 years. We divorced because of his infidelity (not with his wife, random other women)

I split from my partner four months ago. We have 1 child together.

I was feeling so low. A second marriage down the drain. 3 children to raise on largely on my own. Ex DH came round to deliver DDs hockey stuff a few nights ago, we ended up having sex.

I feel sick with myself. Shakes and cold. I never ever ever would have though I would sleep with somebody else's husband. His wife is so lovely, such a good stepmother and it's fucking eating me up that I've done this. I know how it feels to be on the end of it and now I've done it too.

I have no excuse, I'd had half a bottle of wine but I wasn't drunk, slightly tipsy.

I have to collect the children from her tomorrow morning and I don't think I can.

I don't want to tell her. The children love her so much and would be devestated. Ex and I would never get back together again. It doesn't work between us although we have always stayed quite close friends (up until now really). I've just not answered since it happened and he's getting increasingly frantic that I'm not ok (and probably worried I'm going to tell her)

What do I do?

I was thinking just stop all contact other than DC, drop and pick up at the door etc. But how do i explain that to the kids? And his wife would know something was up to.

I fully expect to have my arse handed to me by you guys. I've done it enough times on this board myself.

[sleeponeday]

He's a complete shit, but while his wife does have a right to know, your kids have a right not to deal with even more of a shitfest in their lives than they have already experienced, and your main loyalty and responsibility is first, last and always with them - not another adult. That's the bottom line.

Tell him - in person, not text - that as far as you are concerned it never happened and you are disgusted with him and yourself, and it ends there. And then set up boundaries so you do not ever see him alone again in any sort of environment that makes a repeat possible.

You have to move past this, for everyone's sake. Sadly, he will be fucking around and sooner or later she will find out, and probably leave. But don't add to your children's upset by being involved in that.

[user1476869312]

Firstly, it's really not that big a deal. No one is dead.
Secondly, this man not has clearly been grooming you for a while before he stuck his dick in you. It's far more his fault than yours.

[user1476869312]

And don't fret too much about his wife. He will have been shagging around behind her back already and will do so again. Well, until he gets too old to be attractive.

[Isetan]

You're not the first to have Ex sex and you won't be the last. Clearly your first Ex is an opportunist knob who appears to think that not breaking marriage vows is an impossible feat, he didn't cheat (so he says) for at least three years, give that guy a fucking medal.

Don't respond to his text (cheeky fucker has made you responsible for him cheating on his wife) and the next time you see him, act like it never happened but inform him from now on that your interactions will be just about contact.

Been there done that and you're not a terrible person but it should be a reminder what a slimy twat your first Ex still is and how little he respects you and his current wife. If it wasn't you (if he hasn't cheated already), then it will probably happen with future candidates that are already on his radar.

Your Ex has difficulties keeping it in his pants, his current wife presumably knows about his cheating past and despite all his 'new man' promises he still is, that's part of the risk with hitching your wagon to a known liar and cheat.

Enough with the self flagellation, you didn't turn your Ex into a cheat, he was one already and probably will be one in the future.

[daisychain01]

...three years of not cheating gone like that! It could only have happened with you"

Well, go him! Fantastic that he has managed to keep it in his trousers for three long years. Let's get the bunting out.

[Treetophouses]

Not a great thing to have done but everyone gets things wrong sometimes. Just tell him it can't happen again and otherwise carry on as normal. You don't want to complicate the kids' life because of this, so just go back to coparenting with them and try to forget it ever happened.

[Sammygold]

I believe that there is a massive double standard here. The infantilising of the OP is shocking. Of course the OP needs to take responsibility for having sex with a married man. However, no one is infallible and the OP seems genuinely contrite for her actions. OP, you need to move on from this, ensure it's not repeated and certainly don't mention it to his wife.

[qwerty232]

I believe that there is a massive double standard here. The infantilising of the OP is shocking. Of course the OP needs to take responsibility for having sex with a married man. However, no one is infallible and the OP seems genuinely contrite for her actions. OP, you need to move on from this, ensure it's not repeated and certainly don't mention it to his wife.

Best post so far. Perfectly put.

The moral infantilisation is indeed shocking. TWO people had sex with each other who shouldn't have.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I believe that there is a massive double standard here. The infantilising of the OP is shocking. Of course the OP needs to take responsibility for having sex with a married man.

I agree.

Yes he is the one married however OP knows he is married yet had sex with him anyway!

[Crisscrossthestreet]

I don't disagree with you sammy and rubber. I'm fully aware how in the wrong I am.

Ex is still texting and calling. I'm going to need to speak to him today and put this all to bed. I'm going to call him later this morning and tell him it's never happening again and was an awful mistake. Will drop kids at the door and ask him to tell them he's busy/we're busy and he can't come in.

[ChuckSnowballs]

Aw, he used his old tactics of warming them up and then diving in for the kill when he started with the 'it is my fault you ended up like this' line. Pity you didn't see that one coming.

[nixnjj]

Did he have the condom? If so it sounds like he had it planned as he knew you were vulnerable

[qwerty232]

Can people's stop making excuses for the OP's behaviour and suggesting she was not 50% responsible for what happened. She was. She is a grown adult with moral agency and it is frankly insulting to women to suggest that she was too 'vulnerable' not to have sex with a married man.

Her contrition shows her to be a good person who feels bad about what was clearly a wrong act. She should live and learn and try and put this behind her. But she no less did something wrong than her ex.

[JanuaryMoods]

Did he have the condom? If so it sounds like he had it planned as he knew you were vulnerable

^^

This. Don't feel bad, OP, you were vulnerable and manipulated by a total prick. Be glad he's the ex.

[Slimmingsnake]

What goes around comes around....it takes two to tango,the responsibility is only half yours....hope you used contraception...head held high forget the whole thing and move on...she is not your responsibility,,

[shovetheholly]

I'm afraid I agree with PPs - you have done a terrible thing and while telling his wife may make you feel better, it's not necessarily the right thing to do for everyone else.

You need to get a hold of yourself and behave as normal with everyone, and exercise some modicum of self-restraint around this man. Speak with your ex and agree that neither of you will mention this - ever. And, for God's sake, don't do it again. I can tell you're tempted to, but please know that this goes nowhere good for you or your kids.

[ShatnersWig]

Firstly, it's really not that big a deal. No one is dead. said user147

Wonder if the wife would see it as not really a big deal that her husband cheated on her with his ex-wife whom he has to see regularly due to shared parenting?

While the OP clearly regrets what she did, I think there is an awful lot of minimising going on by other posters of the "there, there, don't worry about it" kind. I have always shied away from the "if the OP was a man half these responses would be different" sort of comments, but in this case, I think it would be true.

[trollspoopglitter]

"I would hope that after taking care of and putting my own needs aside for their children, that the two parents would at least have enough respect for me to tell me what they had done.

The most sensible advise given so far -
well said brazenhussy

[trollspoopglitter]

And the OP is just as bad as the ex. You don't get to be a good stepmother if you don't put the children's needs above your own at least part of the time. This woman did that for OP's kids and the OP fully aware of it. Minimising the guilt she rightly feels is ridiculous.

[1000hobnobs]

I'm also at all the people effectively letting you off the hook here too! You feel terrible and so you SHOULD!

This is the very definition of shitting on your own doorstep unfortunately. How do you proceed? Do you tell her and probably break up their marriage (there's no way for them to work through it, not if he cheated with you). Do you say nothing and feel awful for the rest of time, guarding your horrible secret between the two of you? I'd hate to have this hanging over me forever more.

What if she has suspicions about him anyway, goes through his phone and finds these text messages?

[SemiNormal]

Give the poor woman a chance to walk away, OP. Don't humiliate her by letting her find out some other way.
If your children are hurt by this, it is your own fault and will be your (and your ex's) consequence to deal with.

I agree with this.

I can absolutely see the appeal in hiding this, in the short term it's the better outcome for the children, for you, for the ex ..... but as for the new wife, not so much. She deserves to know, she's been shat on from a great height by two people she trusted. You were her once OP, were you glad to have found out so you at least had the chance to move on with your life and not be with a cheat?

[MorrisZapp]

I'll never believe that men aren't fully to blame for their own moral choices. To me, the double standard is the age old belief that marriage should be protected by women saying no when men try to cheat.

How can a married and a single person be equally to blame for cheating? It makes no sense. But then neither does the concept of 'karma' when the OW gets cheated on herself.

OP, put this behind you. Tell no one. You'll feel much better once some time has passed.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Some men are opportunists. You were really vulnerable. Your guilt speaks volumes as does his subsequent text. He's actually making you out to be some kind of temptress. Given his history of infidelity I'd doubt you were the first in three years. It's almost as if he's tried to justify this.

I think you know your actions were wrong. Draw a line and move on...