I've done a horrible horrible thing

[Crisscrossthestreet]

And the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

I've been divorced for 6 years from my ex, we have 2 children together. He's been with his wife for 3 years. We divorced because of his infidelity (not with his wife, random other women)

I split from my partner four months ago. We have 1 child together.

I was feeling so low. A second marriage down the drain. 3 children to raise on largely on my own. Ex DH came round to deliver DDs hockey stuff a few nights ago, we ended up having sex.

I feel sick with myself. Shakes and cold. I never ever ever would have though I would sleep with somebody else's husband. His wife is so lovely, such a good stepmother and it's fucking eating me up that I've done this. I know how it feels to be on the end of it and now I've done it too.

I have no excuse, I'd had half a bottle of wine but I wasn't drunk, slightly tipsy.

I have to collect the children from her tomorrow morning and I don't think I can.

I don't want to tell her. The children love her so much and would be devestated. Ex and I would never get back together again. It doesn't work between us although we have always stayed quite close friends (up until now really). I've just not answered since it happened and he's getting increasingly frantic that I'm not ok (and probably worried I'm going to tell her)

What do I do?

I was thinking just stop all contact other than DC, drop and pick up at the door etc. But how do i explain that to the kids? And his wife would know something was up to.

I fully expect to have my arse handed to me by you guys. I've done it enough times on this board myself.

It's done, there's nothing you can do to change that now. You will both have to live with the guilt and try to carry on as normal, for her sake and for the children's sake, confessing will do nothing but cause pain, there's no good to come of it. You know it's not 'going anywhere', you don't want him back, he's not trying to get you back, it was a thoughtless, hurtful, mistake.

crisscross He actually text me and said I'm so fucking gutted with myself, three years of not cheating gone like that! It could only have happened with you
Is he seriously trying to blame you? I don't believe for one minute that you're the only one in the last 3 years. He cheated on you and will no doubt be cheating on her with you and with others. Hope it wasn't unprotected? Delete the text and like everyone else has said here, try to forget it and pretend nothing has happened. It won't do your children any favours. Meanwhile stay clear of him. Keep all texts with him businesslike and impersonal. Don't beat yourself up.

I don't think you've anything wrong. He has. Put it behind you x

See I don't agree.

Normally I'd say the married one is the person ^solely* in the wrong.

But in this particular scenario they are both way out of order.

Him - Because he cheated on his wife and put a meaningless shag before his kid's happiness.

OP - Because she put a meaningless shag before her kid's happiness.

That said, I don't think dishing out blame is particularly helpful to the OP, but nor (imo) is telling her she hasn't done anything wrong.

This woman in the OP's words is 'such a good stepmother' and 'the children love her so much and would be devastated'.

Now it's all potentially at risk for the sake of a quick fuck.

His poor wife. I think I could understand it from your POV more, if she hadn't been such a great step mum to your kids. It's the ultimate kick in the teeth.

That said, we are none of us perfect and all make mistakes. These things happen. Hope you're ok.

Please don't torture yourself. God knows we all do things we're ashamed of, I'm sure.
He is far more at fault than you are IMO - he is married and it would seem that he was taking advantage when you were feeling low.

Don't tell anyone else, just put it behind you. And remember that we all make mistakes, some a lot worse than others. Nobody has died, and although you are feeling so bad just now, it will pass, and nobody else needs to be hurt.
Honestly, it is not the end of the world. x

Stop being friends with him. Be friendly for the kids but no more connecting with him personally. No more being intimate on any level.

Tell him (don't text!) next time you see him that you intend to forget it ever happened and suggest he does the same.

I would say to you that you need to accept you did something wrong and forgive yourself (the Catholic sacrament of confession is designed to meet a human need - saying you fucked up and hope never to do it again). You did fuck up but in mitigation (not defence) you were drunk and you were having sex with a man you were previously utterly committed to. So accept you did a bad thing - most of us will at some point or another - and do your best to never put yourself in a position to do this again. And have it impact innocent parties' lives as little as possible - no confessions etc.

I will say that I doubt your ex will remain faithful to his wife. It is clearly something he struggles with greatly for whatever reason - I can see this ending in tears with his wife no matter what.

OP, yes you did do something bad but that doesn't mean you are bad. Be kind to yourself.

And like PP's, I don't believe for a second you're the only person he's cheated on his wife with in the last 3 years, OP.

Agreed WL.

You did fuck up but in mitigation (not defence) you were drunk and you were having sex with a man you were previously utterly committed to

The OP said she wasn't drunk - just slightly tipsy.

You shagged some1 else's husband at the end of the day, thought enough to use a condom. You're as bad as he is, you're as bad as the women he cheated on you with. If you have any respect for your self of your children's step mother. You will put your big girl pants on and tell her the truth. I don't know y ppl are going so easy in you in this thread. Talk about double standard

For the sake of your kids, get over it. --or at least pretend to-.

And. You didn't cheat.

It was him.

Not you.

Thank you all

It shows how easy I'm suckered into his lies that I didn't even consider that he's been cheating with other women, not until you lot pointed it out.

I'm going to try and get some slepp. Hopefully things will look better in the morning

You shagged some1 else's husband at the end of the day, thought enough to use a condom. You're as bad as he is, you're as bad as the women he cheated on you with. If you have any respect for your self of your children's step mother. You will put your big girl pants on and tell her the truth. I don't know y ppl are going so easy in you in this thread. Talk about double standard

Yes because it is really really helpful to tell a woman who already feels awful about what she did that she should feel even worse about what she did.

The OP well knows she did something wrong. She hasn't minimised it at all. How is telling her that Yes she did do something absolutely awfully wrong and that is the only thing to think about and she is a bad person going to help her move forward.

her ex is clearly a serial philanderer plus he can only see women as people he could/does have sex with. He is the problem with his marriage.

• I saw half a bottle of wine as a fairly high intake but yes, she was tipsy not drunk. Not that it really makes a difference.

Sounds to me like there was a power play going on. He's come after you now you are single, to embroil you to justify his previous adulterous behaviour... messed up stuff!
Forgive yourself and move on, you're human and fallible but sound like a decent person x

Don't let him take the moral high ground - tell him it was a wine fuelled mistake not to be repeated but remind him that you are single and can have sex withe whoever you want - he is married. He cheated on his spouse, not you. End of.
Then pretend to yourself that it never happened.

Sorry, but contrary to what lots of people are saying it is just as much your fault as his. What you did was wrong.

You're not a terrible person however. Terrible people don't feel the guilt you feel. They don't care. And people do far worse things every day.

Don't do it again. Move on. If you're exposed, then accept the consequences.

He's the married one. What he did was infinitely worse than you, OP.

Tomorrow you will feel a little better, and the day after a little more. Draw a line under it and move on.

Don't torture yourself. You can't change that it happened but you know it won't happen again.

Your actions are your own. You must take responsibility for them.
What you did is not your ex's responsibility.
He take can take his own share of the guilt and deal with it alone and without you or your input.
Be very wary of starting a oh no look what we did club as it will lead to more sex.

Don't try to feel better by letting others tell you he has done it before. That is his stuff. Focus on you
Have you slept with a married man before? Have you put a fuck in front of the happiness of your kids?

I would guess on some level you wanted to be chosen above whomever he was with.
To be An infidelity, chosen above everything, everyone - -as he did with someone when he was married to you
You felt you needed something.
You have already pieced together a narrative where he almost groomed you into sex. It was your responsibility.

Please don't harm his lovely wife. Don't tell her and don't fuck her husband.
See a therapist. Be honest. Heal. Get better and move on from him and this. Take ownership of you your actions your anger and emotion.

There are miles worse things you can do in this world. You will get through this and I truly wish you well

I'm a stepmum.
If my DP cheated on me with his ex, I would want to know.
I would hope that after taking care of and putting my own needs aside for their children, that the two parents would at least have enough respect for me to tell me what they had done.

Give the poor woman a chance to walk away, OP. Don't humiliate her by letting her find out some other way.
If your children are hurt by this, it is your own fault and will be your (and your ex's) consequence to deal with.
Hold your head high and do the right thing.

What Ronald McDonald said.

everybody makes mistakes.
it is easier to make mistakes when your inhibitions are inhibited due to alcohol.
it is easier to make mistakes when you are vulnerable as you have split up recently
it seems like your ex was betting on you being more available for sex after you split up and was probably working towards that aim.

you know it was not the right thing to do. you know you do not want to do it again, give yourself credit for that. work out how to prevent a reoccurance.

He sounds really manipulative, and he's not worth disrupting everyone's lives for.

Do not tell his wife - you owe it to her to keep it completely to yourself. It won't do her or you any good.

It sounds like a misjudgement on your part, but it happens. Forgive yourself and move on.

What Ronald McDonald said

Bet that's a sentence you never thought you'd say

Once a cheat always a cheat. I blame both of you although more him as you are single. I always think that by shagging someone who is in a relationship you are also in some way shagging their partner because for all you know his dick could have been in her sometime during that day. I think this stems back from a sex education lesson I had at school!