I've done a horrible horrible thing

[Crisscrossthestreet]

And the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

I've been divorced for 6 years from my ex, we have 2 children together. He's been with his wife for 3 years. We divorced because of his infidelity (not with his wife, random other women)

I split from my partner four months ago. We have 1 child together.

I was feeling so low. A second marriage down the drain. 3 children to raise on largely on my own. Ex DH came round to deliver DDs hockey stuff a few nights ago, we ended up having sex.

I feel sick with myself. Shakes and cold. I never ever ever would have though I would sleep with somebody else's husband. His wife is so lovely, such a good stepmother and it's fucking eating me up that I've done this. I know how it feels to be on the end of it and now I've done it too.

I have no excuse, I'd had half a bottle of wine but I wasn't drunk, slightly tipsy.

I have to collect the children from her tomorrow morning and I don't think I can.

I don't want to tell her. The children love her so much and would be devestated. Ex and I would never get back together again. It doesn't work between us although we have always stayed quite close friends (up until now really). I've just not answered since it happened and he's getting increasingly frantic that I'm not ok (and probably worried I'm going to tell her)

What do I do?

I was thinking just stop all contact other than DC, drop and pick up at the door etc. But how do i explain that to the kids? And his wife would know something was up to.

I fully expect to have my arse handed to me by you guys. I've done it enough times on this board myself.

Yeah of course you were GROOMED and VULNERABLE

You were none of the above, you're an adult and you did a really shitty thing especially as you've been on the receiving end. You should quite rightly feel like absolute shit and you'll have to deal with the shame alone.

I wonder if women come on here after they've cheated/potentially ruined someone's life because they just know they'll get validated by a bunch of strangers cause they were sad.

Actually, MN has a standard of holding the person who was actually unfaithful to account more than the single person (if a DH cheats with a single woman and the Op seems inclined to blame the woman, say). It's not a double standard.

The OP has straight out said she is in the wrong so many posters haven't felt the need to point that out.

Of course she is in the wrong. But he bears the responsibility not to cheat on his wife. They both bear the responsibility not to hurt a woman who is caring for their kids.

Plenty of people have condoms by the bed. If they'd stopped at the "reach for a condom" point, he still would've cheated, just not with PIV.

He's an idiot to be texting you if he's worried you'll tell her, as he's providing evidence, should you want it.

He actually text me and said "I'm so fucking gutted with myself, three years of not cheating gone like that! It could only have happened with you"

So he's blaming you for his lack of commitment to his marriage?

Don't listen to his crap. He cheated, not you. And you know he's a serial cheater.

It wasn't your best decision, but we all make bad decisions in life - if this is the worst thing you've ever done, then I think you're OK - you didn't force him against his will. He took advantage of what sounds like some sort of lingering attachment.

But as other posters have said, maybe you need to get some professional help to help you untangle why you made such a self-sabotaging decision?

Although it's your Ex who really needs the therapy. Chin up, love, worse things happen at sea

He carries most of the blame here. Sounds like he was already buttering you up by being more friendly after you split from your recent partner.

Speak to him, tell him it was a mistake & is never happening again and mean it

Do not tell his wife - that is not going to help anyone.

What do I do?

erm, nothing. do nothing. It happened, he has form for cheating. if you can relate to it as a one off (right?) then assure yourself it will never happen again and close the door

that's my advice anyway

DO NOTHING - SAY NOTHING- ITS DIDNT HAPPEN

I'm just wondering if people are trying to justify their own behaviour to themselves with all this guff about the OP being a 'vulnerable' victim.

To her credit, the OP fully accepts she has done something wrong and doesn't need anyone telling she hasn't.

BOTH her and her ex did wrong.

They both bear the responsibility not to hurt a woman who is caring for their kids.

Exactly

Who was looking after the kids whilst all this was happening? The SM I presume.

"I'm just wondering if people are trying to justify their own behaviour to themselves with all this guff about the OP being a 'vulnerable' victim. "

That's a big leap, qwerty.

They are both wrong, as acknowledged by OP. However, the ex is more in the wrong for (a) making the first move and (b) cheating on his wife.

I agree with others who say that you do not tell anyone involved (eg his poor wife). We like in a confessional culture where there's a morality of complete disclosure. But I think in this instance, it is not your right to tell the wife of your cheating ex about her cheating husband.

Sometimes confession isn't benign - it's an unconscious way of the wrongdoer to pass on their responsibility for their actions. Unburdening the soul etc.

Perhaps think of it as the punishment for what you did: it's your cross to bear. Don't pass responsibility on to his wife to deal with it. Her DH's actions are between her and her husband.

I'm still here. Of all of this his wife is what I feel terrible about. Yes she had the kids whilst he was here. His text and further texts are painting me as the temptress but that's his usual excuse "it wasn't my fault she tempted me".

I'm angry I've let myself be pulled back into his bullshit. I was fully removed from his crap and now I'm right back in it

Not convinced by the "3 years and no cheating" it's a bit like he's protesting too much and getting that in early. "Only with you" - nice bit of flattery there! Yuk.

Helen If a woman who is married made a move on me I would equally culpable in infidelity if I slept with her. Because I could have just said 'No, that's wrong'.

If I was the wife I'd want to know what I'm married to.

I'm not worried about the texts etc. If there is anything he is very very good at its hiding his affairs. I found out by a million to 1 coincidence about his affair

Criss

You don't have to be pulled back into his bullshit.

You're not 'right back in it' honestly, blag the kids for a while to get drop off contact to a minimum, and this will fade, in time.

I know you feel awful, his poor wife, poor poor woman, he's a fucking bastard.

I hope you feel better soon.

If I was the wife I would want to know. Thing is even if the truth is buried it has a nasty habit of coming out. I'm sorry that you are going through this op but what's done is done. Do the right thing and tell her.

head held high forget the whole thing and move on...she is not your responsibility

OP has responsibility for her own actions. How she has treated this woman is terrible, I can't believe she even used her to babysit the children whilst she shagged her husband. I think that the wife deserves to know as soon as possible. I can't believe how you've treated her.

If I was the wife I would want to know. Thing is even if the truth is buried it has a nasty habit of coming out. I'm sorry that you are going through this op but what's done is done. Do the right thing and tell her.

Absolutely this. And stop using her for free childcare in the meantime.

At this point it doesn't matter who was to blame for what. OP, you clearly feel bad about having sex with him, so all that matters now is how to limit the damage and make sure this never happens again.
I'd suggest reducing contact to the absolutely essential. You can't be friends with him. Certainly don't be alone with him. There is going to be a (probably quite long) period of awkwardness, but this doesn't have to mean that everything is ruined, your children will be miserable and his marriage is over. (Well, his marriage may end anyway but it doesn't have to be because of what you did).
Someone upthread mentioned Confession in the Catholic sense. The sense of lightness after unburdening yourself can be amazing, but please don't tell the wife. If you really feel you need to let it out, find someone who won't tell anyone else- maybe a member of the clergy, but maybe a very trusted friend . Then do something good for someone else (call it Penance if you want to continue the Confession analogy). Make that the final line drawn under the whole thing and get on with your life.
We can't change the stupid, destructive things we do, but we can make sure they never happen again.

The wife is the ex's issue, not OP's.

So he was a sleaze when you were married and he's still a sleaze, quelle surprise.

However, you should have seen this coming with the cosy times at home, reminiscing (shudder), and taken avoiding action like never being alone with him in the house

It could only have been with you is he always this deluded? Or did he think that would make you feel 'special'. Vom

You,shouldn't have done it , you know that, but don't beat yourself up about it.
You are not married to his wife, you made no vows or promises to her, you have not cheated on her. Nor should you say anything to her. Her marriage is not your business and you should butt out - completely. That means no angst ridden text exchanges or clandestine phone calls with her husband. Keep the relationship with him entirely focussed on the children. Refuse to engage with his game playing.

Your ex is a manipulative, deceitful, serial cheat. You made a massive error of judgment having sex with him. Don't let yourself be dragged down any further.

He sounds a right game player and you're well rid.