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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done a horrible horrible thing

179 replies

Crisscrossthestreet · 15/01/2017 23:19

And the guilt is eating me from the inside out.

I've been divorced for 6 years from my ex, we have 2 children together. He's been with his wife for 3 years. We divorced because of his infidelity (not with his wife, random other women)

I split from my partner four months ago. We have 1 child together.

I was feeling so low. A second marriage down the drain. 3 children to raise on largely on my own. Ex DH came round to deliver DDs hockey stuff a few nights ago, we ended up having sex.

I feel sick with myself. Shakes and cold. I never ever ever would have though I would sleep with somebody else's husband. His wife is so lovely, such a good stepmother and it's fucking eating me up that I've done this. I know how it feels to be on the end of it and now I've done it too.

I have no excuse, I'd had half a bottle of wine but I wasn't drunk, slightly tipsy.

I have to collect the children from her tomorrow morning and I don't think I can.

I don't want to tell her. The children love her so much and would be devestated. Ex and I would never get back together again. It doesn't work between us although we have always stayed quite close friends (up until now really). I've just not answered since it happened and he's getting increasingly frantic that I'm not ok (and probably worried I'm going to tell her)

What do I do?

I was thinking just stop all contact other than DC, drop and pick up at the door etc. But how do i explain that to the kids? And his wife would know something was up to.

I fully expect to have my arse handed to me by you guys. I've done it enough times on this board myself.

OP posts:
VivDeering · 16/01/2017 11:49

From his wife's POV, she knows he's divorced and she must either know or at least reasonably suspect he cheated on you.

Yeah, she was just asking for it Hmm In fact, it's probably her fault this happened because if she hadn't been baby-sitting for the children OP would never have slept with her husband.

I believe that the OP needs our support, but the posts excusing her from her behaviour are really angering me.

differentnameforthis · 16/01/2017 11:50

I too think there are massive double standards at play on this thread...this wasn't a spur of the moment thing...it wasn't a kiss that led to tearing off of the clothes where they stood...

wine was drunk, I assume in the kitchen/lounge, he lent in to kiss her....she didn't stop it.

Then they move to the bedroom, because I wouldn't have thought they would have had sex in the lounge/kitchen with the kids so close ...

Again, time to stop it when he reached for/op suggested the condom.

There was at least 2 windows here when op could have stopped it happening, she didn't. Which makes me think she wanted this as much as he did.

So they are both at fault equally. And yes, I do think the ex's wife needs to know. This may not be the first time, it probably won't be the last and any woman (as often said on here) should have the choice as to whether she spends her life with a serial cheat!!

Lovemusic33 · 16/01/2017 11:55

I agree that this is probably not the first time he has cheated on her, once a cheat always a cheat Sad and yes OP should be ashamed of herself too for letting it happen.

CallMeMaybe · 16/01/2017 11:59

The OP said that the children were with the wife but that he came back for something for one of them.

Given that the OP invited him in for a bottle of wine I'm wondering if it really was all at his instigation. After all there would be no reason for him to come in for a bottle of wine while the children weren't there would there?

How many times he's cheated previously is completely irrelevant, the only reason why the fact he has cheated before is relevant in any way is because it means the OP knows exactly what he is like and yet she went there anyway. In fact some might argue that the fact that the OP knows that he has cheated before made her certain that if she made a move on him he would reciprocate.

differentnameforthis · 16/01/2017 12:02

So I take some of my post back, as it didn't read at all in the the first few posts that the kids weren't at the op's house when this happened, but it appears they were with the SM.

But I stand by the rest of it though.

differentnameforthis · 16/01/2017 12:04

He was looking through them and reminiscing with the kids. These are photos he hasn't seen for years. Then he came back to drop DDs hockey stuff off which she had forgotten. We just got chatting, he had a glass of wine. And then it just happened. He lent in to kiss me and I didn't stop him. This is why I assumed the kids were in the house...

CallMeMaybe · 16/01/2017 12:12

But why would he be there drinking wine while the kids were with his wife?

I would invite my ex into the house if he came round for something specific, and if he was going to be staying for any length of time I would probably offer a coffee or similar purely because it's common courtesy, but inviting the ex in for a glass of wine for no good reason while his kids aren't there shows an intimacy which has clearly never gone away.

Let's face it this didn't just happen. The OP knowingly invited him in for a glass of wine or two. The kids were out of the way, there is clearly a lot of familiarity between them still, and if they were close enough for him to lean in for a kiss they were already in close proximity to one another, and then they knowingly took it further.

ChuckSnowballs · 16/01/2017 12:46

Yes she had the kids whilst he was here.

Wow. She was looking after your kids whilst you were fucking her husband. That is fucked up.

HelenDenver · 16/01/2017 12:50

Or... Their kids were at his house. Same facts, different perspective.

Those berating Op, who knows she is at fault, are trying to achieve what, exactly? The question of the thread is what she does next.

trollspoopglitter · 16/01/2017 12:55

Can someone just walk me through how a woman just happens to accidentally have intercourse? Either it is consensual sex or it is rape.

OP, please be honest with yourself. It did not just happen. You were flirting, you were sexually aroused and you chose to have sex.

Let's just own our actions and deal with the consequences of them like the adults we all are.

CallMeMaybe · 16/01/2017 12:56

What she does next is to assess where this is going. She says that she didn't want it to happen and doesn't want it to happen again. But the fact here is that the situation was engineered by both of them for it to happen. Inviting him in for a glass of wine while the kids are away, responding when he leaned in for a kiss, condoms accessible to ensure it was safe, none of this points to a spur of the moment incident.

OP wanted it to happen and what she now needs to do is to try to get to the bottom of why. Because it's all very well saying that she just needs to say to him it never happens again and to move on, but unless she recognises the factors which have led her here in the first place she will almost certainly find herself back there at some point.

Pikawhoo · 16/01/2017 13:00

He's the one cheating! It's his responsibility and his fault. Just don't do it again as it clearly makes you feel awful.

qwerty232 · 16/01/2017 13:04

He's the one cheating! It's his responsibility and his fault. Just don't do it again as it clearly makes you feel awful.

No. Both people committed infidelity. It is as much her responsibility as his.

If I as a man knowingly have sex with a married women then I have done something wrong, and should feel shitty about it.

Some of these comments are downright bizarre.

Ellisandra · 16/01/2017 13:08

It's pretty simple.

  • You're just as much in the wrong as him on this one incident.
  • If there is some cosmic scales judging behaviour over a lifetime, he's far more of a shit than you are
  • the right thing to do is tell his wife, apologise and then let her play that out
  • I sure as fuck would not be doing the right thing myself. I wish I could say I would, but I think I wouldn't
NanFlanders · 16/01/2017 13:18

OK. You made a mistake. There's no-one in this world who hasn't made a mistake. You can't turn the clock back, and you know you won't do it again, so try to put it behind you and move on. The kids' relationship with both of you and their stepmum is more important than 20 stupid minutes. Wishing you well.

Annabel11 · 16/01/2017 13:25

If you are havign problems dealing with the shame now, imagine what it would be like when ( rather IF) his wife found out. There will be consequences and you will feel even worse. Now I won't go into talking what is right or wrong in this case, but I do know that spilling the beans is going to cause much more trouble and it is one thing you don't want ... what nobody wants.

HelenDenver · 16/01/2017 13:52

Well put, Ellisandra!

RogueStar01 · 16/01/2017 14:05

i don't really care who is more at fault, my disaster scenario would be my children finding out their second family broke down because of me sleeping with their dad again (obviously both the dad and I being partly to blame) - what a mess, and for the DC to have to go through yet another break-up. That's why I would keep quiet.

Original poster
Crisscrossthestreet · 16/01/2017 14:07

To answer some questions

He came round to drop hockey stuff off, I didn't know he was coming. I was on the sofa with wine watching a film, he let himself in and came in the living room (perfectly normal for us). He dropped stuff and then we chatted for ten minutes about some school stuff, he asked if he could have a glass of wine. At this point I absolutely should have said no. We have had wine before together if he is here in the evening, I've had wine with his wife if she comes over in the evening (and I feel I'll just thinking about it now)

I do feel like it was my responsibility too. I was able to say no and I didn't. I hold my hands up. I've never slept with anyone else's husband/partner. I've actively told men to fuck off if they've been flirting with me in a bar and I know they are married. I've torn strips off women on here for sleeping with married men.

I'm not going to tell her. She would never stay with him and I would have actively taken a part in destroying the kids family. I'm too much of a coward to do that.

As for ex. I've always said to him he shouldn't be in a relationship. It isn't the kind of person he is. He agrees but admits he wants a family life and he wants to do what he wants to do. He has huge issues around fidelity and saw a therapist about it when we divorced. He had text again today that he feels gutted for his wife that this happened and gutted that I'm probably feeling like shit too. He added a bit about it only happening with me because I am so familiar to him and ours life's are intertwined with history. I haven't and won't reply.

Best case scenario is that he cheats with someone else and she finds out and leaves him. She doesn't deserve what I and he have done to her.

OP posts:
Viviene12 · 16/01/2017 14:08

Wow double standards much? What's with all the people saying it's not the OP fault?
You knew he was married and you slept with him. How is it only his fault because I cannot really comprehend it?
Do not say anything to his wife - not your responsibility. This would be only so that she can deal with your guilt. What do you expect her to say? That she understands and you can still be friends?
You have to have balls to cheat - I've always said that. You're obviously eaten by guilt so it's not for you. Don't do that again.
You have been absolved by the MN community.

knowler · 16/01/2017 14:18

OP, you've made a mistake. I'm not going to get all judgey about who's most to blame here, as no one can truly say and it's completely counterproductive. FWIW, I don't think you should say anything to anyone as it will only cause hurt. I do however think you need to be a bit tough with your ex and basically tell him to stop sending his pathetic little texts and to leave you alone. He doesn't sound like someone I'd be wasting my time with, so don't feel bad about puttnig (considerable) distance between you and him. If you go the party, don't feel obliged to speak to him. No need to make a big song and dance about it, just look after yourself and bugger him. Please also consider some counselling to help you through this.

NoelHeadbands · 16/01/2017 14:19

The thing that would really stick in my craw is that in his head he no longer needs to feel any guilt about cheating on you (or anyone really), because you're no better than he is when it comes right down to it.

I honestly think that you should tell him that if he texts you again you will tell his wife the whole sordid tale (unless it's something vitally important re the kids)

NoelHeadbands · 16/01/2017 14:20

And keep your doors locked- make clear your boundaries.

VivDeering · 16/01/2017 14:21

Best case scenario is that he cheats with someone else and she finds out and leaves him.

Really? That's the best case? Best for whom?

Huskylover1 · 16/01/2017 14:22

He actually text me and said "I'm so fucking gutted with myself, three years of not cheating gone like that! It could only have happened with you"

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha......

What absolute Head Fuckery is this?

He's trying to make you think that he has changed, but that somehow you reeled him in. But actually, what he has texted you is a spectacular fucking insult. What he is saying here, is :

"When I was with you, I couldn't keep my dick in my pants for any length of time, whereas now I am with Wife, I am faithful all the time" That's a slap in the face for you, is it not?

And furthermore, the only person he would consider cheating on his wife with, is the woman who he didn't love enough to remain faithful to? Really

He must seriously think that you're zipped up the back.

There is no way in hell, that he hasn't cheated on her with other women. He actually planned to sleep with you, as evidenced by him ramping up the text and contact, as soon as you became single. So, it wasn't some spur of the moment, much to be regretted slip up on his part: it was planned. If he would risk his marriage by sleeping with someone so very close to home, who could "spill the beans" to his wife, then I am 100% certain, that when he is on a night out/away on business, that he will have slept with women who don't know his wife and would be incapable of telling.

Do not tell her. And here's why:

  1. You will fuck things up for your kids, and they seem settled right now.
  2. If you throw this hand grenade in to his marriage, and she leaves him, he will hate your guts, and you will have to co-parent for the next 10 years whilst dealing with his seething resentment.
  3. You have a nugget of ammo here. If he ever dicks you about regards the kids, like not paying child maintenance or whatever....you have this as a weapon. You'll never have to threaten to tell, because trust me, he will never mess you about again, now you have this on him.