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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex is back in contact

218 replies

Bigfluffybear · 15/01/2017 22:15

Hello long time lurker but decided to post for advice. Please be nice to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigfluffybear · 16/01/2017 01:16

Of course not Raccoon. Id be a very sad person to do that

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigfluffybear · 16/01/2017 01:16

No he didnt leave his wife im well aware of that

OP posts:
WhingyNinja · 16/01/2017 01:17

OP I am confused as to why you posted if you already knew what you were going to do? I am also confused as to why you thought you'd get sympathetic responses and thumbs up from posters, when in all likelihood some women on here have been in the position of this guys now ex-wife. Alas, you won't get encouragement here.

Your posts are defensive and repetitive, you know what you're doing and no matters how many times people say block and ignore we all know you won't.

Crack on, maybe it'll all be sunshine and rainbows for you, or maybe he'll wheedle his way into your life again and show that he hasn't changed!

RacoonBandit · 16/01/2017 01:20

This thread is boring now.

Do whatever you see fit OP.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 16/01/2017 01:43

In your place I'd be really insulted that he chose to try and get back in touch.

Your TWO YEAR affair ended a long time ago. He never left his wife for you and I'd guess his marriage probably ended because he's a repeat offender.

Now, ten years later he's single, probably much less physically attractive than he was then and not able to pull naive 20-somethings any longer. He scraped the barrel of his past dalliances until he got to you.

I wouldn't want to be anyone's last resort in a million years because I'm worth so much more than that. I hope you are, too

Original poster
Bigfluffybear · 16/01/2017 01:49

Yes raccoon the thread is getting boring. Ill try to explain. I know it was more than sex but he felt unable to leave his wife as both families were religious. Obvs at some point one of them has grown balls and ended it.

He was wonderful with my ds. He used to stay with us alot and was patient and kind with him. He used to tell me he wished ds was his. I dont believe he said these things for sex. WE had an amazing connection back then

OP posts:
user1478860582 · 16/01/2017 02:15

People don't have affairs if their marriages are perfect. People also sometimes have trouble ending marriages for reasons such as religion (as mentioned) or kids before falling in love (or lust) with someone else.

It's not right by any stretch of the imagination to have an affair, but it can often be understandable. Just because someone has had an affair before doesn't mean they will in the future.

Contact him OP. What's the worst that happens? Just be sensible and don't rush into anything.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 16/01/2017 04:50

I'm out too, racoon

Yes people make mistakes and I'm not a total prude or an idiot, I understand how these things can happen. But it's actually quite stomach churning to read someone talking like this about shagging someone else's husband. An amazing connection? Gross. His poor exW. I hope she's having an absolute ball whatever she's doing now, she's certainly well rid of him that's for sure.

Isetan · 16/01/2017 04:58

Oh FFS!! You aren't after 'advice'. Given by your half hearted expressions of guilt, you in fact want a chorus of 'yeah, go for it', now that his pesky wife isn't in the picture to cramp your style. Go ahead and romanticise your two year bunk up, if that makes you feel any better but the truth is, you were just his bit on the side and you only ended it once you got bored of being his side piece.

You sound just as disingenuous as he was, so you are probably perfectly matched.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/01/2017 07:28

He used to tell me he wished ds was his. I dont believe he said these things for sex. WE had an amazing connection back then

Did you ever think of his wife or his DC whilst you were having this 'amazing connection'?

Or how he was blatantly lying to them to be with you?

That whilst he was playing with your DS he wasn't spending time with his own wife and DC?

no, thought not

ChuckSnowballs · 16/01/2017 07:41

Just read through your thread. What advice were you after exactly? Or just one poster that said 'excellent, the lying cheating bastard wants an easy shag - how wonderful'?

Pollyanna9 · 16/01/2017 07:58

He felt unable to leave his wife because both families were religious?

WTF?!

BusterGonad · 16/01/2017 07:59

I wonder why he didn't contact you as soon as his marriage ended? Hmm

HelenaGWells · 16/01/2017 08:31

If it was so more than just an affair why has he waited SEVEN years to attempt to contact you?

I'm not saying don't do it I said do what you like and I never called it a grubby affair, those are your words not mine. I just said don't expect people to say that rekindling a relationship with a cheater is a good idea.

You KNOW he is a liar and a cheat so don't be surprised if you rekindle whatever this is and he breaks your heart. In 90% of cases people with a history of long running affairs cheat again.

Original poster
Bigfluffybear · 16/01/2017 08:42

He didnt have kids piglet. I dont know why he hasnt contacted me in all this time. I havent yet replied to his mesage

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 16/01/2017 08:47

I don't think this is the board for you, do you know how many women post on here because of their partners/husbands and women like you.

I think you should run off into the sunset with him, save any innocent people getting involved with the likes of you both

CanarySong · 16/01/2017 08:50

I dont know why he hasnt contacted me in all this time

Because since his split he's working his way thru all of his ex OW and he's only just got to you.

Costacoffeeplease · 16/01/2017 09:00

PP have for it in a nutshell, he's in his 40s now, maybe a bit paunchy, balding, or at least greying, looking for a bit of his lost youth and unable to attract the bright young girls anymore. So what's the next best thing?

Sad, him for contacting you, and you even more so for even considering replying

Have more dignity and self respect op

Meet just to catch up? When you had such and amazing connection? When he hasn't contacted you in 7 years? Yeah right

SandyY2K · 16/01/2017 09:04

I'm not going to be overly judgemental, but I see that you still have feelings for him and that's why I'm posting.

A man who is capable of deceiving his wife for 2 years, isn't trustworthy. I don't believe that he was guilty, because it lasted 2 years and only ended when you knew he wasn't leaving his wife.

How could you trust him in a relationship?

This is a man who had at least one affair and possibly more. When you look at the qualities you want in a man do honesty, and trustworthy or integrity feature on your list?
If they are not important to you, then go ahead and reply to him.

If you are truly ashamed of what you did, you wouldn't think about replying and would want the affair to stay in the past.

I think your past relationship with him will taint any future relationship, because of how started back then.

I'm going to to send you a link via PM that I think you'll find useful.

MyGodLikeChin · 16/01/2017 09:21

Not making much sense op. He couldn't end his marriage at the time as both families were religious but most religions are against adultery yet he could have a 2 year affair.

When you do get back in contact and rekindle the wonderful relationship you had before tell me how you'll feel when he's "away on business" for two weeks as it is very common in his career and you have mentioned you're both in the same field as previously.

GloriaGaynor · 16/01/2017 09:29

If he had feelings for you at all, he'd have left his wife or got back in contact 7 years ago as soon as he got divorced. He didn't so he's just not that into you.

He must be in his 40s now, he's probably hit a dry spell.

GloriaGaynor · 16/01/2017 09:30

PP have for it in a nutshell, he's in his 40s now, maybe a bit paunchy, balding, or at least greying, looking for a bit of his lost youth and unable to attract the bright young girls anymore. So what's the next best thing?

Yep.

Original poster
Bigfluffybear · 16/01/2017 10:21

Thanks for sending the link Sandy ill post there

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 16/01/2017 11:34

Haha ok so you made a mistake! A mistake that lasted 2 years snagging a married man who apparently felt " guilty " for cheating

You agreed to involved him in your child's life, knowing full well he was never going to leave his wife and get in a real relationship with you.

Oh dear!! Your poor son! Why the hell would you even do that?

You've grown up now and had lots of life experience, but clearly not that much as you'd know to delete the message and have no contact...so you've not learned that much have you!

He clearly wasn't that interest to never get in contact until now

He's just chancing it

And to be perfectly honest, you'd been an absolute idiot to reply

Actually If I am honest, In not getting my head around you letting him be apart of your son's life for 2 years knowing he'd never commit to you, let alone it being a 2 year "mistake" - think that's quite vile

HTH Grin

Original poster
Bigfluffybear · 16/01/2017 12:29

Maybe im an idiot then. Believe me i felt bad about it and i was angry when we finished because my son was upset.

OP posts: