My ex is back in contact

[Bigfluffybear]

Hello long time lurker but decided to post for advice. Please be nice to me!

I'm not proud of it but I can't help being curious to reconnect I'm not talking a relationship just to reconnect after all this time.

I made a mistake and should have pushed for him to leave her

Or not got involved with a married man

Yes not getting involved would have been sensible but I can't change my past.

I made a mistake and should have pushed for him to leave her

Or have finished the relationship as soon as you knew he was married!

You are not naive OP though your first post made you look like that. I say this because i think ten years is a long enough time to grow up unless you are the kind who gets very turned on by significant money/fame etc

You're right you can't change your past, but you can make sure it stays there

Wait for somebody with better morals to come along op

I'm not interested in money or fame. I have my own well paid career

Then you have a very low self esteem as you still feel fascinated by the thought that someone can fancy you after all this time. You are attracted to this thought precisely. Not to him.

So, in summary, you had an affair with a married man. You wanted him to leave his wife, or at least openly admit he was with you. He wouldn't, so you ended it. And got on with your life for 10 years, had a child, happily single..

Years later - many years - he's left his wife, three years after you split up, and he's spent the remaining seven years arising around, in relationships possibly, fathering other children possibly, and then you pop up in his Facebook page and he says hi.

Do you really think this is kismet? Star crossed lovers? He didn't contact you for seven years!

You're a booty call. Deal with it.

*arsing, not arising

No bant I don't.i would like to catch up with him though and I don't think thats a crime.

Ewww this thread is making me feel nasty.

OP you cannot justify his or your past behaviour no matter what you say.
Do what you like why should I care about some random off the internet. Just try not to drag your child in to it this time

FWIW, what happened 10 years or so ago was shitty. But you know that so let's move on.

The key issue that needs to be considered here hasn't been discussed - your ds. You want to contact this man, you know you do. And I'm sure you will. So just take a while to think this through in terms of the likely impact on your ds.

I think you will contact him and I think you will pick up where you left off. You are too intrigued not too. And no matter what a load of people post on your thread, you want to see him again.

So just get on with it.

I admit my past behaviour was shitty raccoon I've acknowledged that

He's a liar and a cheat. No one in their right mind is going to say yeah go back and get involved with a guy who thinks playing happy families with a young single girl and her kid whilst still being married is acceptable.

Cheating spouses are pretty much universally despised here as far too many mners have been heartbroken by them.

If you want to speak to him just do it ffs. You don't need mumsnet permission. Just be aware that the vacancy of wife is outstanding and so is that of mistress

It wasn't acceptable on both our parts Helena but I refuse to call it a grubby affair because to me it didn't feel like that

Ignore, obviously. He is a cheating dick. There is no dilemma here.

Honestly, if I'd had a 2year affair and had truly taken responsibility for my behaviour, there's no way in hell I'd want to go raking all that shit up. I'd leave it firmly where it belongs, in my past.

So what are you going to do?

Just be aware that the vacancy of wife is outstanding and so is that of mistress
Yup. There TWO vacancies now. Besides, he might be too old now to be rejected by the age group that you belonged with then. You might suffice. Feel pity for your son though

And I know I don't need permission I was looking for advice and maybe non judgmental support but because I had an affair years ago apparently I dint deserve that

You can change your future though, to actually engage with a future rather than the past. You did right not to push him to leave his wife. It might not have worked and you'd have been even younger to deal with that. Why should you have pushed him to leave his wife anyway? Isn't that his choice - and hers if she found out about the affair? This situation, 10yrs on, really is bizarre.

Why would you re-connect with something and someone you say you are not proud of? Do you not have a new life with dc now?

He lied to his wife for 2 years, played happy families with you and did not love you enough to leave her.......hardly the romance of the century is it?
I think grubby fits perfectly because that's what he saw you as. His grubby little secret.

Harsh but true.

The advice is unanimous. Up to you now.

It doesn't sound as if you want advice, you have already made up your mind that you want to get in touch with him again.