Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does the amount of fathers really matter?

515 replies

Busybeesbum · 12/01/2017 10:34

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

OP posts:
BumDNC · 15/01/2017 00:39

Yeah none of this really makes much sense to me. I've tried to make some sense of it!

I think you will find it hard to meet someone with this particular set of criteria that you require.

It's not that at our age all single mums should be lucky what they can get but generally it's unusual to start over again (and again) with getting the package because life is complex and requires sacrifices. For instance my BF and I have 5 kids between us. I can't imagine we will be able to live together and house all these children affordably, plus we are tied to areas of work and school that are miles apart from each other. But to be with him as a partner I would sacrifice that happily,at least for now. This leads on to it being unlikely we will marry, if we can't even live together. I'm not going to let something otherwise brilliant go, because it doesn't fit in with the picture in my head. In an ideal world we wouldn't live an hour apart and have to commute to each other but I will do that because it's enough for me.

They will have to be financially well off, it's usually the criteria of most divorces that the house is sold once the person living in it co-habits again, whether your ex would be so generous to pay it is not something you can bank on. You won't be able to build up a healthy career/financially easily whilst on maternity leave or caring for small children. They may have kids of their own meaning you have to integrate more children into your family. The step parent and child relationship is one of the most difficult bond to grow.
It could take you years to meet someone who you feel you trust with your kids and who you feel is safe to integrate them into their lives once you know your relationship is rock solid (also takes a long time to know this) I think you need to be realistic about that part that a general timeline now even if you met someone tomorrow could be 2+ years to even consider moving in together, let alone having any more children. It's a long complex road more than 'will a man judge me', you need to make sure you aren't wearing those rose tinted baby glasses when you rush into something you already have a history of doing

Sallystyle · 15/01/2017 00:41

I thought you said you stopped trying because HE didn't want a baby. The story keeps changing.

I really do need to stop reading this for my blood pressure's sake.

stitchglitched · 15/01/2017 00:41

I don't see how you can say your existing children are your priority, sorry. Not only have you deprived them of living with a loving father and stepfather, but you would be willing to bring yet another man and more babies and chaos into their lives. Your eldest have each lost a father and have also witnessed the breakdown of your marriage to their father figure. Your youngest won't even remember their parents living together. And you want to bring another man and kids into their lives, with the difficult dynamics, financial strain etc that could cause. Your children are going through all this because 4 kids wasn't enough for you!

When we become parents we don't have the luxury of being reckless with our children's stability and putting our own wants first. That you are doing exactly that is why people are shocked at you.

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 15/01/2017 00:42

We were both being unrealistic U2.

OP posts:
Original poster
Busybeesbum · 15/01/2017 00:46

And we've both done things wrong, admittedly me more than him.

OP posts:
Oblomov16 · 15/01/2017 00:47

You will meet the right person. But your choices are not for everyone. A 32 year old female, with 4 children, from different partners, who wanted 6, 2 more, may scare many, but not all. You will meet the right one.

BumDNC · 15/01/2017 00:51

It's taken me 8 years from being single to meet someone I think is worthy of being in my kids life. 8 years!

Original poster
Busybeesbum · 15/01/2017 00:55

Thanks for all your input. I don't have much else to add so I'm going to leave the thread here x

OP posts:
BumDNC · 15/01/2017 01:03

Well good luck

Bant · 15/01/2017 01:09

Yep, good luck.

In summary, no the number of fathers doesn't really matter that much in this day and age. Blended families are much more common.

However, the circumstances leading to your situation are a bit odd, your prioritisation of having a new baby rather than providing a stable environment for your current 4 children - I think that will put good men off.

Men who just want a quick bunk up won't care though, because they're probably not planning on sticking around for long enough to deal with the repercussions.

No offence, but I'd run a mile.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 15/01/2017 03:00

You don't have much to add, but a hell of a lot to think about. I hope you take time to think about this deeply.

I wish you and your children well.

Twogoats · 15/01/2017 07:45

Op, you should encourage your ex to break it off with his new gf. It's not fair on the poor woman. You know that he's stringing her along.

Twogoats · 15/01/2017 07:45

Op, you should encourage your ex to break it off with his new gf. It's not fair on the poor woman. You know that he's stringing her along.

springydaffs · 15/01/2017 08:41

Bloody hell. This thread Sad

Interesting from an anthropological pov Hmm

whattheseithakasmean · 15/01/2017 09:03

It does feel like you are not so much looking for another relationship as a babydaddy. I think you will get one of them no problem, there are plenty of men willing to upduff women then fuck off. It is sad you would choose that over a loving ex who responsibly supports his and other mens' children, but it is clear that is what you really want.

SheldonCRules · 15/01/2017 09:27

It comes across that you want babies not actual children. You took away the only stable man to pass through your children's life because you needed another baby, the four existing aren't enough.

How do you think that makes then feel? It will be very obvious to them.

Summerisdone · 15/01/2017 09:59

It doesn't sound bad at all, and anyone who is going to judge you on it then really isn't worth having in your life. We live in 2017 where people realise they don't have to stay in an unhappy relationship, not the 60's where they stayed together no matter how much they grew to dislike each other 'because of the children'.

MuseumOfCurry · 15/01/2017 10:18

Summer RTFT.

OP I really hope you seek some counselling. Good luck.

Beebeeeight · 15/01/2017 11:02

OP what is it in 'your background' that your ex thinks is driving your desire for more DCs?

SpareASquare · 15/01/2017 11:24

My priorities very much lie with my children

No, they really don't. Poor kids Sad

Will you inform daddy no. 4 that he is merely a sperm donor for your obsessive need to produce more children?

Sallystyle · 15/01/2017 12:51

I got pregnant with my first 2 children without their fathers permission Or consent

You wrote this on the thread in chat about 'dirty little sins'

How odd.....

Are you playing with us?

BlueParrott · 15/01/2017 14:00

Haven't read the whole thread but I don't think op is messing about it sounds like she needs help. Not saying that in a horrible way but you're need to get pregnant so many times concerns me. Why don't you get back with your ex and make a go of it? Him having a vasectomy may be a good thing

SheldonCRules · 15/01/2017 14:04

U2, hoping that's a sign it's a wind up and there aren't really four innocent children in the middle of all this.

Sadly, given the amount of selfish people in the world there's every chance it isn't.

BlueParrott · 15/01/2017 14:31

Sorry your not you're

WiggleYourWoo · 15/01/2017 14:36

This thread has left me 😲. Honestly, my blood pressure has risen after reading it. Yes, I'm judging and it's well deserved by the OP! Honestly, OP, just TRY thinking about your children instead of following your urges every time they strike. Practice some self control ffs!

Swipe left for the next trending thread