Does the amount of fathers really matter?

[Busybeesbum]

Hi I'm a mum of four aged 10 to 2. I'm single and dating when I get time. My children are to 3 different fathers although my ex husband took the 2 on I already had when we met and is a good dad to all of them.
However I worry I'm going to be judged if I get serious with someone and tell them about the different fathers. I won't lie or pretend to be something I'm not but how do I get past the judgement?

Do you just want me to admit im selfish?

Well yes, I think many people would like you to admit you have a problem, because that's the first step towards solving it.

You're obviously not a stupid person, but can you see how your behaviour is damaging the people you love?

I don't think it should be taken down, personally.

Do you think you are being selfish OP?

Can you not see why posters have reached this conclusion through your posts on this thread and "confession" on another?

By all means get MNHQ to take the thread down. It must be uncomfortable reading, however don't you think it's worth taking stock here?

Everyone has based their views on what you have told them.

Deleting the thread doesn't change any of the information you have disclosed. It just makes you unwilling to re-assess or perhaps explain the paradigm of your life goals.

You're a single mum of 4 kids and I do wish you well, for your own sake as much as your children, but I equally hope that with a bit of distance you consider some of the posts on this thread and reflect on why you've made some of the choices you have made - and specificity if you really feel that maintaining the same outlook is really the right thing for you and your children.

I think it must be hurtful to see people judging your choices. You have been quite open but not really honest with yourself

I mean I don't know you from Adam but it would be nice to think something someone said made you evaluate things and see things from a different perspective. I think mainly this thread has shown that you are in a minority of women who see nothing wrong with quite clearly needing a man for a baby, and I think although you might find more fathers, im not convinced you will find the man of your dreams who wants a ton more kids, has a suitable job etc. There is a real risk you could end up very lonely and responsible for many children you can't support. That's all people are trying to say. To find the man you would like it should be about who he is not what he can provide you with. Many many women would love to expand their family but they accept the limitations of money, the effects on their current children and quality of life.

I can see why people think I'm irresponsible or feckless for wanting more kids. It's hard to explain it's like I can't help it and can't help thinking about it. My ex is coming round tomorrow night he texted me saying he needs to talk to me.

I get that the urge is really strong, it's just you have to weigh that up with all the other parts of your life. You know deep down it's not ideal, you have already experienced 2 crappy fathers for your kids and if you don't tread carefully it could happen again - you would have to know and trust someone for a long time to be assured they would be a decent father.

I hope it goes well with your ex, maybe you need to think about your life in 5,10 even 20 years when kids have left home - although a scary thought, there is so much out there in the world to experience

I don't know what my ex wants. He hinted at getting back together this weekend but one of the kids interrupted us so we never had the conversation

Can't you at least try and give it a go?
Would you sacrifice having more kids to provide your existing family with stability?

Ok - so maybe try listening to what he wants?

It might not be reconciliation - so be prepared for that.

If he did want to try again but additional children were non negotiable how about taking a deep breath and really think about that?

You have, by most standards a large family already.

You were in a relationship where he has been a father to your eldest 2 and continues to support them.

That's a good man and you have not posted anything that would suggest otherwise.

You say there were other issues. How important were they? To him and you?

You sound to me like someone who is focusing on possible futures and wants at the expense of the present and I find that very sad for you - especially when it sounds like both the present and future could be very happy if you could divorce your sense of self worth and happiness from solely the motherhood of infants.

He can't be that decent if he has a girlfriend and yet he's wanting to get back together with you. Ten bucks he's been saying the complete opposite to his girlfriend.

don't know what my ex wants. He hinted at getting back together this weekend but one of the kids interrupted us so we never had the conversation

Honestly you sound like teenagers. You have 4 children together - the decisions you are making are the stuff of their childhood - this is what they will remember. You need to grow up.

Fool my family life is more stable than anything i had. I do want to try again but im worried too much water has gone under the bridge since we split weve both been with other people. If he really doesnt want more kids i dont want to be left feeling resentful so we need to discuss that. He is a good man and the kids love him.

Oh leave the poor fella alone. You're only young - I'm sure you can trick another couple of guys into babies.

I'm sure you have thought about it but if you have another two children with another father/s which you say is what you want, how do you see your life panning out?

Where do your current children fit into that? Where do you find the time and energy to meet everybody's needs? Do you see the man/men moving in with you or is it just the babies you want? Are you looking for a lifelong partner or someone to get you pregnant? What about your work? What impact will it have on your career? Do you want to be a single parent to 6 dc? How would you survive financially on your own?

I had a pretty useless DF but better than none at all. How many DC don't want any father? So OP is selfish imv. It's what she wants not what the DCs want.

family life is more stable than anything i had

Op this ^^ is behind your decision making.

A counsellor would really help you.

The number of fathers doesn't matter as long as the children are given time, are provided for and feel secure.
Various men coming in and out is not secure.
With 4 kids can you provide them with adequate time to spend on homework? Or are they languishing and it is the schools problem?
What will happen when they are 16,17, 18? Will you be able to help them through university? Deposits for rentals. Life. Or will they know not to expect mum to provide anything because she is busy satisfying her need for more kids.
The number of dads isn't the problem.

Homework has been provern to be pointless so don't whip that stick out to beat her with and yes education is the schools problem. If only they'd leave the parenting to the parents everyone would be happier.

It's not a mothers job to be funding rental deposits either, nice if you can buy shouldn't be expected.

I spends lots of time reading with the kids. I work with children so understand the importance of education. My ex has in isa set up for each child and puts money in every month. Yes bee it may be behind it. I got a text on my 18th off my dad telling me he wasnt my real dad at least that wont happen to my kids.

I think it would be great if the OP could sit down with her ex and try to make things work. Try to reconnect and discover the reasons they fell in love in the first place? Maybe a meal or a romantic walk?

Cheers.

Thanks info. The kids will be home so we wont be going out but will talk once theyve all gone to bed. My eldest asked me this morning if we'd get back together because he would love that.

Paillser and birdy youre both rude. Mistress having a crap dad isnt better than not having one at all.
My ex is coming round at 4 with a takeaway

I mostly see that you have had a tough time as a child and young adult and maybe don't know what you really want. Don't get back with him for any of the wrong reasons but please explore your feelings about the babies - me in my armchair psychology is screaming 'unconditional love addiction'
They won't leave you and love you no matter what, so the urge to have babies is probably hiding some pain of rejection and insecurity. That's why it might be an awful shame to let a supportive loving husband and your family unit go, just to try fill that deep burning desire - you might never get it even if you have 10 babies

As long as the children are loved and healthy i don't see any issue. No one is to know if a relationship will last forever. Everyone should have the choice without judgement to have children with a new partner.

Isn't it quite a good evolutionary strategy to have kids by different dads? Not that that's really the point here. I certainly wouldn't judge you. Look after your kids, be nice to people, don't jump the queue in Argos, and your worth as a person should not be defined by how many people you've chosen to have kids with. Anyone who has a problem with it... well, it's just that - their problem.